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How to Convince Your Parent to Move to Assisted Living

96 Comments

This article was a huge help to me! Thank you.

My mother only will go out to dr or grocery store. She won't consider it I do worry about her. She wants me to stay home all the time, won't wear the life alert necklace I brought her. I do worry, but have gotten so tired of watching family vacation and enjoy life while I don't. I go for few hours at a time now but not a single overnight getaway in over 10 years. I'm tired, my health is suffering and I cry all the time. No help is here, so I don't try for that anymore. I now find mom to be selfish, but really my siblings are more and always have been. How do I get mom to check out places while she may enjoy the benefits there when she won't even consider it, she's so stubborn I really don't want to wait till I can no longer do it and have to tell them and al she gets out of it is a bed and nurse. Mom needs friends and activities, or she will just continue downhill till all she can do is lay in a bed. I'm so lost, what do I do?

This was a great read.

good ideas, mom has resisted every idea-we tried your ideas, still refusing- has needed an ambulance to pick he up off the floor twice in 1 week. we are afraid for her now what do we do?

you didn't let your mom down - no way. hugs, again...

They want to be paid? Shocking. Surely they can provide housing, catering, nursing, domestic, security, advocacy, administration, facilities management, staff training and activities services without demanding fees.

Nasmir, I am sorry for your loss.

People can get c. diff from almost any setting; most commonly it happens after broad-spectrum antibiotic treatment, and normally they are put on isolation if in a healthcare facility in an attempt not to spread it. You have to wash with soap and water as hand sanitizers will not kill it. It is usually not fatal in someone who is not already debilitated but it can be if treatment does not work. By itself, just acquiring c. diff does not mean a facility was negligent, which you have probably found out if you tried to report or file a suit. You are hurting and you are angry and that is very, very understandable. We've been arguing with you mainly because we don't want other people like us to feel totally horrible about using a skilled nursing facility when it is really needed, and most of us do feel badly enough to start with and wish we could handle or could have handled things at home.

Again - my sincere condolences though!

This article was first printed in 2010 and I always appreciate Carol's information and insights on these subjects.
However the main barrier I see to assisted living is the cost.
Long term care insurance is way too expensive for many people and the benefits are often limited and the company like most other insurers are slow to respond to claims even when the case is very urgent.
Assisted living would be an ideal solution for me in the not too distant future but alone not in a married situation, where, as we age our long term partners need their space.
Being solitary by nature the idea of sharing a room with another resident in a nursing home is my idea of prison and being encouraged to participate in the "fun" activities is my idea of punishment.
Just the way I feel but I can so empathize with the elderly who are being encouraged in this direction. I don't have dementia so can see the sense and need for such a move but not to a sub standard facility because I can't afford something really nice. I am not difficult to deal with - I take that back, I am very difficult when I experience less than professional care. For example being given only yellow gowns as I was labelled a "fall" risk. I admit I could be if I was not competent enough to take very great care. I am also competent enough to know when if is necessary to use assistive devices. Also on one occasion being addressed as "Love Bug" by an aide really steamed me. Fortunately I only saw her once.
We do have friends who made the decision to move into a progressive assisted living community well before they needed to so they can have the security of progressive steps up to full care should it be needed BUT the buy in price was $4000.00 and not too many people have that kind of cash lying around.
To sum up I think I would have to be too incapacitated to argue before I agreed to be placed.
This is not to say that i think all the sons and daughters who have given up their lives to care for elderly and usually ungrateful narcissistic parents should be expected to do that, with no help from society thus increasing their burden on society after they too become needy because they were prevented from providing for their own needs.

WileyJ - Where you said: "I have a problem with some of the patronizing language I’m reading in this comment section" - you are not alone!

Some people pass very rapidly from caring about their elder loved ones to trying to usurp the right to decide what is in their best interests. Well, if that's you, you let me know when you think *you* will like being told what's good for you.

Assisted living can be an extremely good option. I plan to prepare myself for it in due course, and if possible move in well before I'm forced to by circumstances. But some people genuinely would rather die than move away from everything they've ever known, the home that's been their adult life's work. They haven't the least interest in making new friends, or the energy to enjoy stimulation. Please respect that choice too.

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Nasmir, I'm so sorry. I totally understand where you're coming from now. That's such an awful experience your mother and you just went through and my heart goes out to you. I can see why you think it would have been so much easier if she'd have just died outright in the beginning. I just don't agree that someone should have made that decision for her. I really am sorry you had to go through all that though.

I had to watch my mom slowly die in the hospital from lung cancer. It took her three days to die after we took her off the ventilator... fortunately she was full of morphine most that time and was mostly unaware, but it broke all our hearts. She had no chance of survival and she had a living will she'd written a couple of years before she got cancer that asked, if it were legal at the time of her death, that she be given a physician assisted suicide if death was inevitable. Sadly, it wasn't, so instead we all took turns sitting with her around the clock so she wouldn't die alone. So I do feel for you.