He is not suffering from any dementia etc---he is just a very cruel man---I have tried to help him as my mother passed away a year ago...he is now dating a woman---he is a narcissist....I just can't get it out of my head that he tried to strangle me---I'm a 50 yr old

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WALK AWAY NOW. Why do you need to help him? Why are you even thinking of giving him a second chance? Second chance to finish the job?
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Reply to lkdrymom

I would report him to the police. He has no right putting his hands on you. No second chances in my opinion. He abused you as a child and is still abusing you as an adult. Move out and stay away from this man before it is too late.
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Reply to earlybird

I am reading comments about 'forgiveness' here and I thought you might like to read this quote I recently came across and saved in Word, for just such a situation as yours:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just a reminder that calls to ‘be kind’ to someone who has abused you is a gaslighting tactic. It furthers the idea that the abuser is deserving of considerations that his or her victims are not.

~Meg Pillow’s Doppelfanger on Instagram

Please do not put yourself in harms way again, not for a parent, a friend, a lover.......nobody. Nobody has the right to raise a hand to us, nobody. Don't use the bible as a reason to put yourself in harm's way either, because God wants us to take care of OURSELVES and to honor the beautiful bodies and the minds He gave us.

If you are able to find a way to 'forgive' your father for the egregious crimes he has committed against you, that's long as it doesn't involve dealing with him in person and putting yourself in harm's way again in order to accomplish. Forgiveness is for YOU and your peace of mind, nothing else.

Best of luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
AlvaDeer Nov 5, 2020
So beautifully put. I think when we truly grow, we understand on some level that an abuser may be a product of personality disorders, of having been raised in abusive situations, of perhaps level of diminishing competence.
This father is abusive now, and he raised his daughter in abuse. Those who are raised in abuse often think they deserve it, that it is their fault, and they stick around for more and more abuse. They often are condemned to continuing the cycle of abuse into their own next generation.
That this abuse may have links to his own past, or to his failing mind, doesn't factor for me at all. Psychiatrists may understand; Gods may forgive. That's THEIR job description; not mine. For myself I would try to help the victim who is being abused to move as quickly and as certainly out of harm's way as possible.
Would anyone tell a victim of child sexual abuse to forgive his or her abuser? Really? To me that is utterly incomprehensible. And one being victimized IS further victimized by being told to forgive. It is like telling someone with cancer that they can heal themselves, and then, if they are unable, to tell them that it is their own fault they are dying. It is piling victimization on victimization in my mind. But that's just my humble opinion.
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Your father is unfortunately not able to provide you with a loving parent/daughter relationship. I am sorry, that's of course very sad. I am a strong believer in counseling and gently encourage you to see one. Determine how to best maneuver this volatile situation and how you can protect, heal and move forward. Be well~ Nydia
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Reply to Nydia1708
Steph007 Nov 4, 2020
Thankyou Nydia....the hard thing is...our father owns our family business...he comes in from time to time....he acts like nothing happened trying to be nice to me...its just so sick...the rest of my family knows what he did...there is no confronting this man because he is vindictive...but I am going to seek counseling as this happened a week ago....such a nightmare 😪
He’s shown you who he is, now believe him. And don’t come around for more. Please take care of yourself, not said lightly
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Reply to Daughterof1930

Don't try to help him. Cut him out of your life and if the time comes when he needs a caregiver totally ignore him. You will also have to give up your share of the family business as well. What's it worth to you? Is it worth your pride, dignity, and safety to keep this person in your life?
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
Steph007 Nov 4, 2020
You are so right...its so heartbreaking...truly at this point I could care less about my share or money...I've never been about that...I think what hurts is I really tried to be there for him after mom died...I really thought he had changed and he finally loved me...I was so wrong...
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Forgive? Yes, at some point.

My abusive brother is dead. We did NOT come to 'terms' before he died, I had not seen him in 12 years prior to his death.

My mother asked me if I felt 'terrible' b/c I had not forgiven him. I told her what one therapist had said to me.
'Christ said to turn the other cheek, He did not ask us to stand there and be slapped to death'.

This ONE statement changed my entire outlook on my 'responsibility' to mend a relationship that could not be mended.

GET OUT--before he kills you. Stay away and work on having relationships that are not toxic and cruel.

I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. To be abused by those who should love us is so hard to deal with.

You've gotten great advice here--please take it.
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Reply to Midkid58
notgoodenough Nov 5, 2020
Your therapist gave you a great line.

I am a Christian. I am a practicing Christian, who in the past has been deeply, deeply involved in my church. I grew up in a family active in church.

My mom was a woman of deep faith. But, as my sister so eloquently said at her funeral, she never used her faith as a "cudgel". She expressed her faith in deeds, rather than words, and taught us, her 3 daughters to do the same.

When I used to teach confirmation class, I warned each class about "Christian bullies". People who use their faith as a "cudgel" to "beat" you into what they want. And to quote scripture while someone does that doesn't make it right.

For anyone saying "to forgive is Christian", I say this: Jesus also spoke about the responsibility on the part of the person to be forgiven - and that part is "repentance". Even He told the sinner whom he forgave to "go thou, and sin no more."

For someone who is unrepentant, who fully intends to continue the sinful behavior, to seek forgiveness is being a hypocrite. As a Christian, the price you are expected to pay in return for being forgiven is to try and live your life more like the example set before us by Jesus - to "go thou and sin no more". That doesn't mean to continue the behavior.

For those who say forgiveness is for your healing as well - maybe. But maybe forgiveness is as simple as removing yourself from the abuse and not wishing vengeance on your abuser. We are called as Christians to "love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you". It's not "like your enemies, and hang out with those who persecute you."
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Are you currently living with your father? If you are, I would leave at once, even if that meant a battered woman's shelter, and even in Covid-19 times. I think that you should stop seeing your father now. If you are attacked again, do know that any attack on your person should be a 911 call to the police. You understand who and what your Dad is. Now it must be your choice to protect yourself and your future. Do not endanger your life. In the case of people who batter others, it is often when the person being abused chooses finally to leave that their own lives are most in danger. Please don't see your Dad alone. Do know, the first times a man abuses you is the first time, and it makes future attacks easier for them. I am so sorry this happened to you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
rovana Nov 4, 2020
Very wise. Be alert to the danger when you leave. So many tragedies because people underrate the lengths that a narcissist will go to to "win".
So sorry that your dad is such a jerk. For your safety and sanity, you need to be done with him. Doesn't matter if anyone agrees with you or not from your family, you need to protect yourself. Don't be where he could be, including the business. I don't know what the business is, but time to give your notice and move on. Has he been violent with other family members?

I'm sure this really hurts since you thought he'd changed. Glad you're going to get therapy to help you deal with this.

You owe him NOTHING. And you never have to see him again. It is totally your choice. Draw the boundary line and just keep away from him, no convo or confrontation needed.

Good luck.
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Reply to againx100

If your father tried to strangle you a week ago, you need to take your safety very very seriously. As I replied to Hailybug, ‘Attempted strangulation has been made a crime in its own right here, along with petrol dousing. It is the strongest indicator in the statistics that a perpetrator is ready to proceed to murder, and on the way is prepared to terrify the victim.’ This criminal law was passed here a year ago, after a ‘great guy’ poured petrol on his wife and 3 children in a car, then lit it and murdered them all. Strangulation was dealt with in the same law because of the similar statistics.

This is not a ‘forgive and forget’ issue for your family or your family business, and he is not being ‘nice’, he is covering his tracks. Property will get dealt with when he goes to jail – before or after the murder.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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