I live my with emotionally abusive, 90 year old mother. How do I protect myself?

I look at it as you moved in out of necessity not to become a caregiver. There is no abuse on your part if Mom is capable of caring for herself. If you feel u should, stop in and make sure everything in OK. When she starts on you, say bye and walk out. Which is what you should have done all along. Just because she is a parent it doesn't mean she has the right to abuse you. And she needs to be told this. Walk out when she gets this way. Boundries! We all need them or we get overwhelmed. We are at no ones beck and call.

Was this ever considered to be a permanent thing by you? If not this is what you say.

"Since living at Mom's was not a permanent thing, I have finally found a place I can afford. Living at Moms has given me time to get back on my feet and I appreciate that. I will be moving out on ________. " I don't even see why you need to give 30 days. Your not a tenant, as such. She was on her own before you moved in, she can be on her own after you move out. Maybe at least 2 weeks. You can be there for her if you want but you don't have to live with her.

Maybe you can get a list together of agencies in your County that maybe able to help Mom if she needs it. Office of Aging for one. Even APS can help but start with O of A. Put down how u have ordered her food. Maybe you can continue to do that from afar. Medicaid number in case she needs an aide and fits the income criteria.

If siblings have stepped back, then they really cannot condemn you for doing the same. No one needs to take abuse physically or verbally.

Happiness is knowing who to blame, right? Oh my.

I agree with Geaton. Don’t engage in any right or wrong conversation with siblings or close friends or neighbors of your moms or even your mom.
Do that here on the forum if you feel the need. Much safer.

Its a dynamic difficult to explain or understand but it is easier to care for a non relative in many cases than our own elders. We take exception to what is said, we believe we see meaning where none is meant or where another (unrelated) person might not feel the sting so deeply. We have unfinished business. A flash point sometimes that simply wouldn’t be there so quickly with a stranger. And of course stacks of books written on the mother daughter relationship and also how elders lose their filters.

At the time you moved in, you were emotionally bruised (assuming) from your divorce.
So I would dig deep, thank mom for the open door. It’s now time for you to spread your wings again and seek your fortune type of explanation. This way she can feel good about her story as to why you moved out and may not want to trash you....or be seen as the aggressor that she is.

Keep it simple and aboveboard.
If you go over a script in your mind and on paper to refer to, you will be better prepared for any phone calls you might receive trying to guilt you into staying. “I have to take care of me now. Wish me luck”.
“It’s been hard on mom, having me here. I am ready to take the next step”. Don’t let yourself get emotional and lose it.

Your siblings know who their mother is if not how difficult a time you have had with her.

I think the notice is fair due to your mom’s age and her propensity to find fault.

Some have even suggested that the one moving out contact Area on Aging or APS to report a vulnerable elder living alone if you feel she is vulnerable. Once you’ve had some distance between you, the desire to see her or check on her might return. A journal will help you process this time and help guide you in the future. Not to dwell on it but to release the pain.
I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. Wishing you all the luck.

Let her twist things. Sounds like the rest of the family has always know she does that. Get out while you can. At her age she will soon need someone 24/7 and you would be unable to work. Get out at once. Supply her with the emergency numbers; be a support with shopping, getting her meal delivery and etc. You have kind of always known who she is. So did your siblings. What they thing, and indeed what they SAY doesn't matter at all. Just say "I appreciate your opinion, and I am going to give it a lot of thought. Whoops, have to go!"
Remember, go get out while the getting's good.

I am sorry that she is abusive to you, there is no excuse for abuse, EVER!

Have you been paying your share of costs during the time you have lived with her? Because people will think that you have been using her if you have not and they will be inclined to believe her words.

You do not have to leave in a huffy, it can be done cordially, with a plan and smiles, even if you have to fake it. Thank you for allowing me to move into your home in my hour of need, smile, I am so grateful for all you have done for me. Here is my new address, I look forward to seeing you when I am all moved in and settled. Bye bye!

People will believe whatever they want too, regardless of the truth. You can not stay because you worry about what others will think.

Go find a place to live and move before you become a statistic.

Please move out and feel no need to explain or justify your decision. You’re an adult, free to make your own choices. No one deserves abuse. I wish you peace

You say that your sibs are happy to be away, because they know your mom better, so why are you concerned what they will think of you if you move out? They probably won't be surprised at all and will probably ask you what took you so long? No one at any age should take abuse of any kind. Life is too short and if you are not happy in your current living conditions, then only you can do something about that. And don't worry about what your mom tells others. You know the truth and if someone doesn't believe you, tell them that they can now move in with her to see who's telling the truth. Best wishes.

Give written notice to your siblings and your mom on your move-out date (preferably an email that everyone receives at the same time saying the same thing so it can be tracked). Make sure you give them at least 1 month's notice. This is not abuse and they can't legally pursue you over it. You are not obligated to give a reason, but if you do feel the need to provide one make it short and unemotional, like "moving on to other pursuits in my life". Again, don't feed into their dysfunctional drama with a wordy resignation. If their treatment of you changes when they realize they will lose a valuable service, don't go back unless you have an employment contract with fair compensation and outlining off-duty and vacation time. This makes your mom your employer and the appropriate taxes will need to be withheld and paid. This not only protects you, but also protects your mom should she ever need to apply for Medicaid (and many, many elders do because of the cost of facility care). If she just pays you without a contract Medicaid can view this as "gifting" money and it could cause problems when she needs the financial help the most. Good luck!