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We recently moved my mom into an assisted living memory care unit. She has dementia and does not understand that this is most likely a permanent move. Every time my dad and I visit, she enjoys seeing us, but then gets upset when we leave without her.


Will taking visitors (friends, family) to see her be good for her or upset her more? Any advice is appreciated!

My Mom was in a small AL. I lived up the street so went every day at different times. Sometimes only for 15 min. I was told one day by an aide they were having problems with her at dinner time. Salad was always served and she would not eat it. That was OK but unless her meal was not in front of her she would get up and start wandering. The aides were expected to help with serving the meal so no one to keep an eye on her. So I started coming just before dinner. The Common area and diningroom were only separated by a low wall. When the aides were ready to serve the main course, the one aid would holler OK and I would take Mom over to her table. Give her a kiss on the cheek and say, see you later. She was busy eating and talking so me leaving was no big deal. Never say the word home. My daughter used to tell Mom she was going to work.

All you can do is allow people to visit and see how she handles the visits.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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When you visit before you leave get her involved with something. Once she is busy you can leave.
So if you visit during the day plan to leave around lunch time, get her to the table for lunch and when she starts to eat or talk with others at the table take that as your cue to leave.
Same can be done with dinner.
Or when you want to leave ring for a caregiver/CNA to come and get her to the bathroom and you can leave while she is being helped.

If you bring a visitor with you they will leave when you do. If the visitor goes by themselves instruct them to also get her involved with a project before they go.
If they do not do this and cause your mom stress or agitation then you can exclude visitors unless they are with you or other family member that will follow the "rules" you have established
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Everyone in managed care needs visitors. It shows the staff this is a person who is valued and cared for, this having the effect of them valuing the resident as well. You’ll learn how to make an exit without drama, and help other visitors know the right approach as well. Sneaking out is fully permissible when needed. I wish you all peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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BurntCaregiver Jul 10, 2025
@Daughter

Visitors all the time are not a good idea in the early weeks or months after someone is placed if they're having trouble acclimating to their new environment.

Family can check up on their loved one in person without stopping by to visit. They get seen by staff, so everyone knows the person is important and doesn't get ignored. The facility should be made aware that certain people will be regularly coming by to observe the OP's mother but probably won't be stopping to visit with her for a while because she needs time to adjust to life in the facility. This will keep them on their toes if they get used to seeing certain faces.
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I would discuss these issues with her current caregivers. You will want to know how long her agitation continues after you leave. This is usually, like leaving toddlers in care, a short-lived reaction.
Experimentation with more visits and evaluation will decide what is best for your own unique person here, but I would not spend a lot of time forcing these visits in the hope of change in what is not an especially good time in our lives.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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How long has she been in the facility? If it's only recently, she needs time to acclimate to her new life in the facility. Give her that. You and your father should only be doing short visits for now and only weekly for a while.

When your mother has had time to get settled and accept that this is her new home, then other people should start visiting. It would likely be overwhelming for her to have many visitors and extended family now because it will give her false hope that she'll be going back home at some point when she isn't.

Give her time. Encourage her to join in the entertainments and activities there. Even go with her a couple times. When she's settled, then have family and friends visiting.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Your personal excuse would go along the lines by saying you need the bathroom or have a meeting with your doctor or management. Never just say goodbye
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Reply to MACinCT
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I take my mother out several times a week to either eat out or go somewhere fun. She tends to want to take a nap afterwards and that is a good time for me to leave. If she complains about me leaving I just ask her if she thought just sitting there watching her sleep would be interesting and she then lets me leave. At other times I leave her participating in some of the activities or having a meal like others have suggested. She still talks about wanting to get plane tickets to go home (on the opposite side of the country) so I tell her that I wouldn’t be able to visit her if she did move since I have several old animals that need medications. I do tell her that if I can find 24 hours of in home a day care for her I might consider it but, since it took me years just to find someone to clean, run errands and do other chores around the house once or twice a week since she lived in a sparsely populated area, I doubt I could make that work. Beyond that I keep trying to plan outings to do things she really enjoys and I keep reminding her that if she left now she would miss whatever event. I have found that because her memory is bad she forgets the activities they have at the facility and how much she enjoys them. I have to remember that she is enjoying herself there no matter what she says. I have stopped in only to see her so involved in the activities that she didn’t notice me so I just sneak out. The staff can let you know how she is doing when you are not there!
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Reply to Animallovers
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I have found that visiting my grandpa just creates more stress for everyone. We have had a very rocky road since his diagnosis and now that he is in memory care he still seems to try every thing he can to wreck havoc. I broke down and went to see him and I thought the visit went well. I explained that I cannot bring him home and the reason I have not been to visit was due to all the things that had happened (he totally denied them all and said lets have a fresh start) then when I wasnt able to come back the day he requested me, he started the drama all over again. I know it sounds terrible but after all we have been through I feel like protecting my peace is more important than showing my face. I speak with the staff regularly and also chat with them on the portal. As long as he is not in danger why should I allow myself to be put through the ringer whenever his mind decides its time.
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Reply to laura9574
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How about someone who doesn’t have relatives or friends to see them? Perhaps get a social worker to check in that resident.
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Reply to Patathome01
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I would just say, “Mom or Dad, I will be in and out, I have some errands to run! - Love you!!!” Even if you think they really do not know who you are, I think they do. Even if they do not, they surely know who is kind and loving and who is not. Just remember, this will be YOU one day before you know it. Once the loved one passes, there are not any more chances to visit, hug, brush hair, listen to music, make sure the care given is good, talk, or give a kiss on the cheek. Visit even though it breaks your heart to see the decline. ❤️❤️
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