For those who don't know me, my husband and I live with my mom who is 91 and has Alzheimer's and a weak heart. I take medication for depression but it still gets a hold of me. We rarely get out together as my mom can't be alone. My brother and sister live far gives us breaks maybe once or twice a year. Sister doesn't lift a finger. I've been doing this for almost 5 years and making other arrangements is not an option for me. My husband says I'll feel better in the spring. I don't know... Guilt goes along with the depression. If I don't do anything I feel guilty, but I some days don't feel up to doing a thing.

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I deal with my depression everyday. Some days, I don't deal and just let it ride out. I just lay there and hardly move and barely speak. It's hard when you got to do it on your own. I think this whole guilt thing has got GO. None of us in this type of situation need to feel guilty for not wanting to deal with it for a while. As a matter of fact, that is our RIGHT. We deserve to do or NOT do anything for ourselves.

Have you looked into adult day cares in your area? i dang near jump in joy when I put my mom on the bus.. on those days.. not an ounce of guilt to be heard or seen.

Best Wishes
Helpful Answer (27)

Depression? Oh heck yes. Today I am so depressed I've not been able to do the one little errand I had scheduled. So I totally understand.
Some days I feel like throwing in the towel.
My 90 year old Mother goes out once a week to go shopping-and that is the greatest time for me! Its like all the bad air in the house is gone for awhle and I can play music, walk around wherever I wish, dance, talk to myslef-whatever. This is one thing that doesn't get addressed very often. Emphasis is on the "getting out" part of respite, which is fine, but since most of us are adults, we also mourn the freedom to just "be" in our own homes!
Does anyone agree?
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ERAsDaughter Jan 2019
Ohmygosh yes!! I know this post was 8 years ago so maybe no one will see it... but this is a HUGE problem to me! I just want my own space to live my life in my own way on my own terms... ugh
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Rosyday, I can so relate. Antidepressants do not work for me and have horrible side effects - and think about what it says that we're supposed to take medications ourselves because caregiving is so hard?

Sometimes I wish I could run away but Mom needs me.
My life is basically over. This is just reality. I'm coming to think that caregivers don't have lives.
Helpful Answer (21)

It always seems to be dumped on one person! Random venting is good I think. I have felt so isolated, and for the first time in my 55 years of living, I have been put on antidepressants after having my 86 y/o dad living with me. He is verbally abusive and has dementia. My half sister and brother will have nothing to do with him. I feel better knowing that I'm not in this alone I guess, but I feel for everyone that is living this mightmare!
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All caregivers experience depression at one point or another. How we cope with it is the tricky part. Some people resort to "happy pills" like Prozac or Celexa to mask it; others accept it as part of a war in which all sides lose something. Some, always so free and easy on the advice, seem to be in total control. The fact is that half the time they're playing the Cleopatra Queen of Denial bit complete with teflon attitude, and pretending they're in control of everything and everyone. Some give in and become trapped; others go screaming into the night after the first week. The list goes on and on.

Miz, it sounds to me like you're grieving for a life you used to have before all these sacrifices of caregiving came along. And barely anyone around to help except those whose love for you you believed unconditional.

Every 24 hours or so take some "me time" and rewind the tape of your existence. Have you been happy, even if it's for 5 minutes a day? Is your soul searching deep enough to identify the causes or triggers of your depression? Of course you'll come across individuals handing out their spiel about people, places, and things. What they won't tell you is that those same people, places, and things are actually you.

All us, in time, will need a source of strength other than our own. Dig a little deeper within yourself, and you'll realize the answers you seek have been there all along.
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I took care of my mother for 17 years before getting her in an Assisted Living place a couple years ago. She was in her home, in a wheelchair with an ostomy. It got harder and harder over the years. One time I was driving to get groceries just outside town. Something snapped in me and I drove 100 miles before I came back to myself and reluctantly returned. No one really knows how it feels, do they?
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You can add anxiety along with depression for me as well.
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When you don't have a support system esp. within your own family,how could anyone not be depressed. Caregiving is hard in the best of circumstances. It does make a hugh difference when some one is there that you feel that loves your parent as you do,such as a brother or sister,but when you handle everything alone;it is a recipe for diaster.
Helpful Answer (14)

I've suffered with bouts of depression all my life. Some deeper and darker moments but mostly manageable. Flash foward to now.....welcome to my Bermuda triangle of depression!

It started slowly, with some expected losses. Friendships, travel, personal time, romance, etc. As I busied myself with what needed to be done, I stopped looking up and around buried myself with tasks. Mom required more time now. Not that she needs constant care but we don't leave her alone in the house. I work all day, errands on the way home, and switching with the day sitter, home all night.
Bye bye freedom.
Even though when I had the choice, I stayed home now that the choice itself was gone.......
Trapped. Begin to freak out.
OK breathe.
Set a goal to turn things around. Make a plan.....
Sister from out of town arrives on a visit with husband.....marital issues boil over..hubby goes home, sister stays for 8 months. Trying to help her with her depression, care for mom, work full time, daily life hurdles and speedbumps......

Wait. Am I still breathing?
Inhale. Exhale.

Falling further and further behind. Sis tries and helps some, but causes more work and stress regardless. Sister going home now, sigh of relief.

Sister #2 comes to stay the very next day, caught in-between homes temporarily. Did I mention my suite is tiny?

2017 begins and so does the sorrow. I am now worn out and sick. Risking TMI, I am so backed up, the pain is excruciating. Days off work. Missed my birthday, but so did everybody else, thanks guys. I start to notice that regardless of how sick/tired I am, everyone around me just carries on with their own lives. Like I am not even there or at best an afterthought????
Sorrow weighs heavy on the heart.....
Everyone now squared themselves away. I am on my own again. Sigh of relief.
Wait. What's this feeling of drowning? Just keep I'm sinking. Try harder. Work faster.
The only time I hear from siblings is when they need something...everyone wants more, more, more. No one will make a move, a decision, and all responsibility is mine and mine alone. Cracks become fissures. I shake. Coherent sentences escape me. I'm screaming in my head all the time.
Stop. Breathe.
What do I do?
Ask for help. OK.
Honestly open up. HELP ME. I'M DROWNING.
Yup. I get a deflated life raft sewn together with empty promises.
Anger fuels me. Pull myself up.
Set new goal. Make new plan.
Steel myself for hard work. I shall be victorious!
Nope. With that raw lump of bitterness in my throat, I ask for help again. This time I am very specific. Is there hope?

Sister #1 plans to visit again with the sole purpose of helping me. I lay out my request. I need to complete the dehoarding of mom's place so day to day tasks are manageable. I have 2 weeks of holidays from work. 1 week back and then another off. I require sisters dedication and focus on the task at hand. To be priority #1 until project complete. No side distractions. None. Period.
She agrees. She promises.

I ask sister #2 for help with specific tasks on specific days. Schedule me in please.

I relax a little bit knowing that help is coming. With this project done, a lot of pressure will be gone. I am hopeful.

Bwahahahaahahaha.... .

My so called time off begins. I begin to work. My sister goes to the beach. A church weekend rally adding on an extra day while I watch her dog. WTF??
Returning only to tell me that she is picking up granddaughter to come and stay. WTF?!?!?!
How is that not a distraction.
Sister #2 shows up but leaves soon after due to my attitude.
Wow. I've warned everyone in earshot how stressed I am and I may react badly. Apologies ahead of time. Never got the second days time from her.....
Spent every waking moment of 2 weeks doing the job on my own. This includes moving furniture, sanding and painting, yard work etc.
A team of one.
While my sister keeps promising me that she'll be here as long as I need her....flitting away to go swimming now....I lose it.
The screaming has come back with the shakes. As a special treat, vomiting has now joined the party hand in hand with uncontrollable bouts of crying.
I can't verbalize anymore and am afraid to open my mouth for the profane nastiness that will spew forth.

Returning to work, I ask useless #1 to take care of all the daily chores and I will continue on the project. Make sure to feed me etc. Tasks better suited to her possibly.....

Reality....I spend the week going to work. Return home to do HER chores, mom's stuff, then my stuff, make my own dinner at 2am (not a typo) bed, get up and do it all over again. For a week.
I am going to hit her with this shovel. Swallowing all these emotions to maintain a calm with mom.
Enough is enough. I am leaving for my last week off. Project undone. Whatever. This is a must.

I say I'll be gone and she'll need to be responsible for mom.

Can't. Have to leave.
What? You'll be here as long as I need you and now that I need you....poof. gone.

Crushed. Devastated. Dumfounded. Gobsmacked. Heartbroken.

She had watched me slave, shake, vomit, breakdown, cry, scream, collapse and after caring for her for 8 months in her time of need, after caring for her mother too, this is the support and compassion I am given.

You are not my sister.

#1 cries to #2, who then calls me to say I'm being harsh and need to fix this.
Do I need to be dead for anyone to care?

Mom takes a turn for the worse. I start to think about her mortality, then my mortality, then my dogs mortality, death, death,death.

If the will splits the house among all, they will want to sell and I'll have no where to go, no friends, no one cares, am I really here...welcome anxiety!
Irrational fears taking over. In my head, all I have cared for these past years is dead and I'm living under a bridge, invisible. I'm scared to death of growing old. If Noone cares for me now what happens when I'm old and infirm?
Sheesh. Anything else?
I'm caught between not wanting to be trapped hereally and not wanting to go out into the world. Limbo.
I'm becoming (become?) someone I don't want to be.
I'm not even a real person anymore, I'm just stress and sadness. It was better when I felt invisible then knowing I'm in plain sight just ignored. This forum, God bless you, is my only confidant.
2017 was an emotional mess. Definitely scarred. Still bitter.
I battle every day between the loss of my life's choices and freedoms, the overwhelming anxiety, my broken heart and the stress that binds it all together. And I'm one of the lucky ones. Mom is still with it, capable of basic self care, happy and appreciative. My situation is heaven compared to the realities of so many others.

Ahhhhh, this is only the tip of the iceberg but I'm going to put my baggage down for awhile....I'll end saying that mom is doing much better now. I'm slowly working through the backlog (paperwork, taxes, blah blah blah). I'm releasing myself from my expectations of others and of myself.

I'm still very bitter and angry and sad. I will need to concentrate on not feeding negativit.

My motto of 2017 was "people suck. I hate people"

My motto for 2018 is "love thyself. Do good. Be kind.
And if you can't be kind, be quiet. (OK, I'm still working on that)...

Hugs to all of you, going through a rough time.
Love to all of you who give all your love to others.
Thanks to all of you for being there.
Helpful Answer (14)

As my 92 yo mom slides back to immobility, I find myself becoming so angry!
She apologizes for asking for a drink of water but that is the least of my problems!
I want her to move around. I want her to get up and go to the bathroom before she’s busting at the seams! I want her to stand up and sit down often enuf that her legs will support her.
She has her mental faculties and no life threatening ailments, but she sits so long she can’t walk to bed.
It’s bad enough that I’m in charge of all repairs with no experience and little money but now I’m wondering why bother? Why worry about the yard? Why should I fix the sprinklers if she doesn’t care enough to take care of herself?
I find myself berating her for killing herself when I want her to be comfortable. Now it seems I’m up all night every night dwelling on her deterioration and staying in my room all day so as not to yell at her.
It’s not helpful to bite my tongue because I’m still angry inside.
She’s had pt often enough she knows she has to use it or lose it but she refuses to do it!
Yes I’m depressed. I hate watching her becoming infirm and feeble just because she’s lazy!
Helpful Answer (14)
Val3rie Jul 2018
You are not alone! I have the same issues with both my husband and my MIL.
As well as several ailments, both of them have dementia and both of them have decided they cannot move around at all.
However I know my husband has depression which he says makes him feel as though he is trying to move through 'silly putty'.
The not moving to help themselves may also be the frustrating part of mental issues.
I get angry because my husband says 'he can't' take a shower. But he can get up and ask me what I am cooking for supper or watch Netflix.

I don't think we can make sense of these things.
Very frustrating.
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