Damned if I do and damned if I dont? Carer family expectations
Hi, I am a fairly timid quiet person with simple lifestyle. To cut a story short Mum has Alzheimer's, bitter anger, stubborn, realistically in around mid stage 2 old rictor scale with behaviours from accusing the bank teller of stealing, dobbing people in to centrelink, telling people they are horrible sort of a victom inside demented mind. The woman as a mum was really not very affectionate, expected things to just go according to her plan. Most of us 5 siblings were shunted off and unfortunately got the you're 14 now off you go, a bit harsh but true. Now as a adult mums care is shared by 2 of us. The beginning of this saga was others couldn't provide help as living over 15-20 hours away. One decided not to even answer phone calls when five years ago we needed to put things in order so the counsellor said give them 3 more goes if they don't reply put things in order, get a will done, poa, guardianship etc etc. Did so five years ago mum wasn't as bad as she is now, we put in for assessment and got a home care package it went well, we assisted whilst trying to cope with careers etc. We had ups we had downs we left we came back we did tried gave the last three years I travelled home every weekend to give everyone a break do the jobs the ordering of stoma bags, the financials, the payments of bills went through outbbursts of your stealing etc your horrible etc so then a phone call mum said I've fallen in shower. I decided to move back but not live with her, been there done this. For a year and a half between us both, we share care, fixed up home care limited as mum cannot afford full care, helped get new bathroom, flat accessories that will help, I do nearly everything possible, we ask we give care as best we can. But just recently again mum refuses to eat, I don't want it, I hate all of you, go away, I did not ask for this. etc etc etc. We have all been persecuted at the stake like we are wicked witches of dementia. Just recently a family member said to me your mum doesn't like you, doesn't get along with you, didn't want you, doesn't want you around, and calls you names. I just went quite mad at home, cried my eyes out and thought OMG what the ???? did I do now. Over the last week it's has been like living on a witch hunt, forever being told my family isn't good enough, the other sister is good you're not, it's like a game I actually predicted this behaviour and told my sister she will try and tear us apart. Its like she must see my daughter before anyone else. Just recently me and my son sat back very sad that mum didn't want us to go with her to a funeral but the other sister demanded she goes with her. I just sat back and refrained. Yesterday was awful to me I got told Im not good enough not wanted not loved by family that has to endure comments from my mother. After five years of doing financials, paying bills on time, getting a bathroom safe for her, doing daily meds, getting home care support so she will have some type of social life as she has refused and condemned every support here in town. Clean pooh off walls, toilet, stoma cares, personal cares sort of re teaching mum to brush her teeth, wash her hair as sores on scalp from not washing, if she goes without a shower for three days her stoma smells her skin errupts with bacteria, blisters etc etc the most recent outburst was this the fact that she doesnt eat properly even though we descreetly make lovely meals for her she throws them away and buys lollies. Her teeth gums are repaired but dentist said what more can you do she cannot cope with hygiene plates etc. All these different behaviours we have endured right down to each and everyone of us is not allowed to go there we are all horrible people. But to single me out as a horrible person, put me into a state of negativity I have not slept, eaten, just got a pack of cigys and smoked them all from stress. The words keep ringing in my head and little girl syndrome of I hate you came back to my head. This is the saddest thing I have ever seen. And I have worked in aged care for twenty years Ive seen the best of the best and the worst of the worst. I have looked into my heart just to find a solution, but I cannot. We dont have much choice but to continue the cares until mum can afford more home care and when we try to take her to Dr or get assessment done she lies and says we are forcing her to do these things. We are not. My family member whom beared such news said stay away for a bit and maybe she might realise how much you do for her or forget her outburst. Today I said I am not going I am sorry that maybe she will forget her meds not eat not shower put pooh on walls and sit in front of the telly and hate everyone. My family member said you know she is like a little girl not getting what she wants. It's like damned if you do damned if you don't??? Think some of us are in the same boat don't get me wrong I understand but gosh this gets hard sometimes. God bless. Hope everyone out there is aok.