My father owned a successful business for his entire life and after selling it a few years back he started a new self-help business with the goal of passing knowledge from one generation to the next in order to create a better tomorrow for all humanity. A worthy goal, yet very big given his advanced age.
He also day trades in the market, borrows on margin, and he has hired a book writer to write two books about his history and how he has been successful. He recently set up a foundation, plans to set up another business for manufacturing product, and in addition he teaches 2 younger people to trade options in the stock market and gives them money to do so, with strings attached.
He has very little mobility due to nerve damage caused by a back surgery last year yet drives and gets around with a walker or cane. He has also had an ocular stroke due to a bleeding ulcer so has trouble seeing clearly. After talking to the eye doctor and his regular doctor they both said they were concerned but didn't tell him he couldn't.
My dad is still handsome, looks like 86 instead of 96 and is very charismatic and a seasoned salesman. His charm engages most everyone he meets, which include anyone he comes in contact with, nurses, sales people, doctors, grocery store employees, etc. He tells them his age and about his business of helping the world and all mankind have a better tomorrow and boasts to me and others how everyone thinks he has a winner of a business idea. He now thinks this is his purpose for living.
Although the business hasn't brought in any revenue, he has a $60,000 monthly payroll for his 5 employees. He is hoping to get revenue from sponsor donations and grants from companies that believe in his vision. This money will go to creating podcasts, training manuals, workshops, memberships, staffing, etc. His employees have created a website showcasing some podcasts, written training manuals and plans for the future. The 5 employees recently created a business plan as it has been challenging to define what the business really is and more importantly, how it is going to make money.
His dream of making the world a better place is an admirable goal, but most likely take more time to develop than he has left. Other than providing support for him as our dad and grandfather, the family has numerously denied his requests to be part of his business, as we have our own careers, families and lives. Although we listen to him often, hear his ideas and have met with his employees, we don't see his business as a sustainable business for us to carry on now or in the future.
The family all love my dad and are grateful for his generosity, determination, drive and vision, but he often consumes our conversations with business and positive mindset preaching. We have grown weary of listening to the same rhetoric over and over as well as don't appreciate being talked down to. If anyone in the family or close circle challenge his reasoning, he tells us we lack vision and accuses us of putting up roadblocks in front of him.
After talking to the family attorneys, financial advisors, CPA's, and doctors we are all trying to help him enjoy the rest of his life, doing what he loves, but the family finds it very sad to see him spend his money on a business we do not see as long-lasting after he is gone and most importantly, sad that we cannot enjoy time with him without listening to him about his latest unrealistic big ideas, including buying acreage to build a center on, buying other businesses, etc.
After re-reading this long essay I wrote I have gained some clarity, so this site has already been of help to me. Maybe I just needed to write my thoughts all down, but any comments will be appreciated. I am the POA.
In MN, you simply fill out a confidential, one-page form to alert the state of a concern about an individual's driving capabilities. We did this for both of my in-laws, and they received a letter with an appointed time to meet with someone at the DMV. Another family member accompanied them and they both voluntarily surrendered their DLs after some back and forth -- the other option was to take a new driving test. They went through the process of getting state ID cards right then, before leaving the DMV.
Hopefully other states have a similar setup: simple, helpful, and takes most of the responsibility off of the family and places it (appropriately) with the agency responsible for licensing oversight.
You and your siblings are presumably already of retirement age yourselves. You have consulted attorneys, financial advisers, and doctors. Not sure what the rest of us can offer. I can imagine you feel like “enough already” but the employees, book writers, young people investing in his behalf, etc, are presumably all doing this of their own free will and realize that at 96, he’s not going to live much longer.
Are you wishing that he would preserve whatever funds he has left for you and your siblings to inherit? And that he would redirect his love and attention on you and you and your families and your future well being instead of all of these projects? Understandable if so. Just a guess here, but I’m guessing he has always been grandiose and is getting moreso now in an effort to cement his legacy in his own mind.
im 78 but look younger. Act younger…love adventure, and miss my man so much because he was ALWAYS starting some new project, dream. When he died, I’ve lost all interests. I did get two zoom interviews, to give my experience as a physical therapist, but nope! Too old!
Can I have your father? He sounds perfect! I’ll fly to wherever he is! (I’m in Ecuador. Brought my husband here for all round healthcare)
Ive been a caregiver my whole life! :-) I’m good at it. I understand men like your father. My husband was brilliant, but also practical. But…he was a Risk taker, an adventurer…..and I MISS THAT! You want a picture? 😇
Curious as to how your thoughts changed ?
Five employees / $60K a month is very steep for sure.
* You've talked to taxes/financial advisors and MDs. Do the MD 'continue' to assess that your dad is of sound mind to make his own decisions (i.e., financial)?
* Is there a way to get a co-signer on legal / financial documents that your dad wants to pursue? If yes, and someone changes his intentions or amounts or something on the agreement, will your dad remember? Be confused about it? Remember and be upset?
* Could you encourage Dad to add a business partner (family member) and give him specific reasons why ? (I know, likely wouldn't work...)
* Could a 'fake' (or not) Excel sheet showing how much is going out and not coming back in make a difference in his thinking / behavior? I doubt it as he seems to be in a state of 'hoping' and an inner 'knowing' that things will get better / turn around - no matter how unrealistic this is - this alone should tell the MDs something about his cognitive abilities and lead to make a determination of his inability to care for himself / his welfare.
How he is handling his finances / business now IS about his welfare.
Not only do I feel sad that he is spending $60K/month for employee retention and likely more ... with his dreams, I would encourage you / family to do what you can legally to gain control over this aspect of his life ... realizing he will be MAD - or worse. Expect this behavior from him. A person isn't as successful as your dad has been, and continues to be charismatic as his age, won't relinquish his perceived 'inner power,' and perceived independence easily - not at all.
You expect he'll be very upset and you do what is in his best interest anyway.
In time he will either forget or have more needs / less independence and be more or less 'okay' with the situation. Or not.
While you do not mention it, I am equally concerned of his fortune being wasted as it is ... and not having whatever financial resources he has for either the family and/or donating to non-profits that he / family would like to support. In my view, it iSN'T selfish of the family to want to hold on to his assets - for himself - and thereafter for the family.
Gena / Touch Matters
With love and prayers,
Phyllis
It sounds like your father is obsessed with this grandiose plan, to bring it to fruition before he is gone. I'm sure he feels he is running out of time. No wonder he is trying to rope his family into "running" it after he is gone. His big ideas are very important to him and he wants to pass them on before they die with him.
Don't be sad to see him spending all his money on this, unless the family is more concerned with their inheritance being depleted. He is doing something that gives him purpose.
Regardless of his age and how sound his ideas are, it is ok for you to disagree and not share his interests. Tell him that this is not for you, and encourage him to find someone else who sees his vision. He can mentor that person and who knows, maybe they can find a way to carry on his vision.
When he monopolizes every conversation with "his ideas", gently steer the conversation in another direction. Your life, you ideas, your family (kids, grandkids) are important too. And it's ok to remind him of that. Tell him firmly that you don't care to talk about his business ventures, as you don't share his interest. Make him listen to you. If he can't, then maybe it will cause you to distance yourself from this relationship.
I don't know if he's a narcissist, maybe he's just a smart man who wants to share his knowledge with the world. But, if he is a narcissist, that can be a very toxic relationship for close family members. He can enjoy his life without sucking the life out of you. You are not responsible for making his life enjoyable and fulfilled. It sounds like he is able to do that all on his own.
Set your boundaries. You don't owe him your undivided attention and support just because he is getting on in years. He is not a child who needs to be placated. He is a grown and competent man. Give him the space to follow his dreams and have some purpose in his life, without criticism.
Try and spend some quality time with him, on your terms, so that you don't have regrets when he is gone.
That said, I understand some of your frustration because I'm going through it with my own mother in different ways. For instance, it was a BUGGER to get her driver's license taken away from her (after two strokes), and her doctor refused to be involved in any way. There may be a way in your state to alert the DMV of a person who needs retested.
((((HUGS)))) It's not fun navigating these waters.
If he wants to see this vision live on beyond his lifetime, he needs to pivot it from business to foundation, and set up a trust to run it after his death. He would leave some portion of his estate to the trust with instructions for the foundation's board. If there is no way his idea can truly earn money, then it can be a charitable foundation, especially if it is beneficial to "humanity" in some way. The family can pass on any invitations to join the board of the foundation, of course.
If you and the family are worried that he is squandering his money (which is relative to his wealth, of course) due to mental decline, then you may be in for a fight and might risk alienating members of the family and disinheritance for some. It could get ugly. FTD is very insidious and you often hear stories of jobs, savings, and marriages lost before the diagnosis. There is a lot to weigh in making decisions.
I think first I would find out what would happen if he passed away tomorrow? What obligations are in place? What does the will dictate about this entity? Assuming you are also the executor, would you quickly wind it down and put it to bed? He does not need to know that this is your plan if the "business" is indeed a fool's errand. If he has so much wealth that this can be his nonagenarian hobby, I would let it be, knowing that you'll be dissolving the whole thing the day after his funeral (or the day after he has a catastrophic stroke, etc.). If you are concerned that he is looking to invest or squander more than he has, or something else that could be seriously damaging to other people's lives, etc., you may need to meet with your family lawyers to find options.
Good luck!
I mean...really??? What doctor/person in their right mind would allow this man to continue to drive and jeopardize the lives of others? That needs to stop now before he hurts or kills someone.
And the fact that he's making "risky" business decisions leads me to believe that he may just very well have some sort of dementia, more than likely frontotemporal(FTD) as risky behavior is often a major sign of it.
So the fact that you are your fathers POA means that you now must get more involved before things get even more out of control, and someone gets hurt.
There's a world of difference.
What you can do to protect your father is nothing but offer your advice; and with his attorneys and financial advisors it appears he already has the advice he has had and has relied on to get where he is now.
This all changes of course if there is any question of executive functions and incompetency.
If you are seeing signs that are worrisome to you they should be discussed, as his POA, with him and with his ATTORNEY present, and perhaps his attorney and financial advisor. Tell him what worries you and why.
Again, you are POA. It is crucial to coordinate and discuss this with your FATHER, with his ATTORNEYS and with his financial ADVISORS as well as with his DOCTORS. I says this as I believe you are indicating that there is a good deal of money at risk here if there is any incompetency.
I would have a discussion with now competent (?) Dad as to what you future obligations may be. If he is unwilling, given what you say, to allow for any of this, then you will tell him that he should hire a private financial Fiduciary to act for him should he experience, in the future any incompetency.
My brother was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's Dementia at the same time Covid hit us in 2020. He couldn't get me put in charge of all his finances fast enough in order to protect his funds. And that's what I was able to do. If there is no trust, then that would havve been impossible. And he could have stood to lose everything.
So much of this depends on your father's level of trust in you and in your judgement.
I can only wish you good luck. We as a Forum chock full of strangers cannot give you as good advice as your own attorneys, financial advisors, doctors in this matter.