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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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Put yourself in your mom's shoes. She has dementia, and her world no longer makes sense. She's lost her concept of time. She's anxious, and you are her safe person, so she calls you.
Job one is to tamp down her anxiety. Ask her doctor for medication to help her with that. Lexapro helped my mom a lot.
Sometimes this can be due to hearing loss and vision loss and other weakening senses. Older people can start becoming insecure about what's going on around them because they can no longer rely on their senses to tell them what is going on. It's just natural to start depending on the proximity of other people to fill them in as to what is going on. You can try telling your mother when you're exiting the room, when your're doing this and that, that you'll basically be out of earshot and not be around for awhile. It may help her and you.
My relief was when my Mom went to daily senior care and nightly, when the caregiver took over for me.
My brother's relief was when he convinced me to come from another state and take care of her.
My sister's relief was that she lived in a different state. However, for the short time while she lived with my Mom, she used to hide out in an area that my Mom couldn't see (my Mom couldn't do stairs and there was this one area hidden from view.) My sister also used to wear wrap-around-the-ear headphones (visual clue that she was not to be bothered) and not answer my Mom's calls when she called out while wearing those specific headphones.
My Mom's memory loss not only meant that she couldn't remember, it also affected her interpretation of time. We attempted to set a timer or an alarm clock, however, she forgot what it was for or why it was set, which started a different round of questions.....each time.
Sometimes, I have no idea how I made it through that time of my life, however, I did survive it and the dementia continued to a different stage with new issues added.
((HUGS))
You can survive. Think of the book you could write and the stories you will be able to tell when this chapter is over.
The simple answer is that even though you feel you have to be there all the time - you don’t. I don’t know if you are new to caregiving, but regardless, IMO, trying to “be there” for every whim is a free ticket to burnout and resentment. If you can afford a home health aide for a few hours a day or week - do that. If you do, make sure you do not hover around since that defeats the purpose. Use that time for whatever YOU need/want to do. If you can’t afford that, then make a plan to carve out a certain amount of time where unless her hair is on fire, you don’t respond. Tell her ahead of time if that works, but if she still calls, learn to respect your own time and needs and ignore it. (You can peek in and make sure she is safe - or use a nanny cam.). Good luck.
I think keeping her busy is good but it doesn't fill the need of a companion. Have you tried a doll or a stuffed animal that she can hold on to for a secure feeling? Something she can dress or comb the hair and hug! Maybe even one of those "pillow people"? It's hard feel alone when you are holding/ hugging something. Rock-a-bye baby with a dolly as she's not getting older but younger mind wise.
They all seem to go through thus stage you have to be firm I will be busy so dont call me until xx because I can’t answer You don’t establish boundaries and you’re heading fur burnout
My Mom was like that too, when she lived with us. I couldn't go in another room very long until she would be calling for me to come back in the room where she was. She is in a wheelchair and could move herself from place to place. When she wanted to go outside she wanted me to sit with her constantly and also my husband and adult daughter. I couldn't sit all day I had things I had to do and house chores to do every day. I understand how aggravating this can be. Because it makes you feel very guilty that you are not spending time with them and you don't want to hurt their feelings. It is a very hard situation especially if you have a family because you are trying to spend amble time with everyone. Then you become overcome with anxiety. I have been there. I am going through a total different situation now. I recommend getting help if you can afford it. Home Health has respite that will sit with her for a few hours. I didn't and couldn't afford the help. I was just stuck. Good Luck to you with your decisions and hope you get a break.
Don’t hire a sitter, wasted money. Hire someone to give her an evening meal and clean the kitchen afterwards, take her for a walk halfway down the block, help her shower and get into bed clothes, file her nails, set up breakfast tomorrow morning, help her toilet and into bed. Turn the laundry on and finish. Watch a baseball game or tv show and interact with her. Feed the pet and scoop the cat box. Get your parent engaged with the caregiver. A caregiver who will become a part of the parent life and be a regular and reliable person in their life and yours. A replacement for you.
I am not an expert on eldercare or psychology at all. But, I wonder if it’s simple fear that she’ll be alone if something happens to her or what’s called object permanence, where she may think you don’t really exist, unless you’re right there. But, the term may be something to look into or to discuss with her doctor. Because, despite the realities of the situation, no one can be with anyone 24/7, for the mere need to resupply food, meds, and for self care. Her doctor may not be able to “cure” it, if it’s that or something like that. But, maybe he/she can prescribe something that will make her less anxious.
She may be frightened to be alone. She may have lost her "time sense" and not be able to tell how long you have been "gone". If she can come along into the room you are working in, it will help her feel like she isn't abandoned. Maybe, time chores for rooms that she can't be in with you for times other family members can be in the room with her.
Is she mobile? If she's in a wheelchair, you could take her with you as you go from room to room. She may just feel comforted having you near.
Calling out for you could be part of a repetitive behavior which she can't stop. Often, with dementia, people get stuck in a "loop", repeating a word, phrase, or even an action. You can Re-direct her attention to something else which she is interested in, to break the looping cycle. Also, anti-anxiety medication could be very helpful.
As others have suggested, giving her small tasks - or helping her indulge in a hobby, can help to placate her and make her feel useful.
You need to protect your time and energy. Ignoring her calls may be hard to do, but try and develop a routine that is consistent, where you acknowledge her and provide a snack, or take a few minutes just to sit and give your undivided attention, or engage in an activity, such as taking a walk, going outside, doing a puzzle, whatever it is she might like. But, do this at the SAME TIME every day! You will get her accustomed to the "schedule", and if she sees she is getting your attention, it could help to calm her anxiety. It's not easy with someone with dementia, as they don't remember very well, but they still seem to respond positively to a Consistent Routine! I learned with my husband, consistent routine is key! Any change in the daily routine can feel very upsetting to the person with dementia.
In your profile you indicate that you live with your husband, your older sister and your 91 year old mom. - Before you start on your chores could you give your mom a puzzle, a movie or folding job of dish towels and wash clothes, or matching laundered socks? - Could your sister sit and have tea with your mom? Can you get a "senior au pair" to live with you? Perhaps an elderly but fit cousin, or family friend? - What are the usual things your mom calls for and can you arrange her to have all she needs around her just before you begin your work then each time your mom calls for you, in a sweet calm voice, you can say "I can't right now mom". Or, "as soon as I'm finished mom". Or, "Mom I need you to help me by allowing me to cook, or clean, or make phone calls, or pay the bills, etc. - Is she in a wheelchair? Perhaps all she needs is to be in eye shot of you especially if her hearing is bad. Is it possible to cut out a portion of a wall and install a window between the room she occupies most and the rest of the house. Kind of open-concept to make her feel connected. Play music near her.
Clearly, you need some kind of help although without telling us some specifics of the situation, you leave us guessing ???
I've presume that she had dementia, might be physically disabled, too.
I would venture a guess that "yes, mother will continue to call for you" and that won't stop.
When does it stop? When you make some (needed) decisions about the dynamics of the living situation.
In other words, it is up to you.
Consider:
Does she need to move out, memory care, AI ? Or are you living you her house and you need to move out? How long has this behavior / pattern been going on? Do you need caregiver help to manage your mom's needs? Are you able to set boundaries with your mother or are you unassertive? Do you understand what dementia is / means - and that she may not be able to control or change what she is doing (due to brain changes).
Clearly, you want this situation to change so you can 'do things around the house' and I'll bet outside of the house, too. In other words, have a life of your own ... or more than you do now.
You might be at the point of being exhausted, depleted, overwhelmed.
So much depends on the housing situation, finances, health status of your mother, and how you feel about yourself and the relationship / responsibilities you have with your mom.
We do not know any of this so it is all guessing on my part.
Perhaps edit your question and give us much more information so we can support you.
I have a split house. Mom was in the bottom level and could seebus moving around the living room and kitchen. But as soon as I sat down, she would be calling me.
You are your mom's "safe person" She knows you, she trusts you. I have a couple suggestions that will help both of you. 1. Hire a caregiver, actually you might be able to call it a "companion". this person will help mom out and be there when she needs something. Mom will begin to trust the caregiver and rely on them. When I hired caregivers it was like a new lease on life!
Before the home caregivers there was:
2. If there is an Adult Day Program in the area get mom involved with that. Typically they come in the morning and pick the participant up bring them to the program and they will get a breakfast, snack, lunch and a variety of activities. the one my Husband was involved in would pick him up before 9 and he would get brought back home by about 4. I can't begin to tell you what a difference those 3 days a week did for me. I could actually get things done.
In the meantime. If you have to do something that will take you out of the area where she is give her a task to do to keep her occupied. Sort socks, fold towels, cut "recipes" out of a magazine. A coloring book, might also keep her busy. Or give her a snack. Some Iced Tea and a bowl of berries, some cut up fruit will keep her busy.
Your mom is shadowing you in much the same way a little dog will when you are there together all the time. She is only comfortable when you are in sight. Look up "shadowing and dementia". This is exceptionally common.
You just have to harden your heart a little and not respond, I know that's easier said than done but it's better than allowing yourself to get frustrated or angry. One thing that help me (for a little while at least) was a two way baby monitor that allowed me to speak to my mom from wherever I was, that way she got reassurance and I didn't have to trot to her side every few minutes.
Hi RosieKay and welcome to the forum. Sounds like she is exhibiting some "shadowing" behaviors. There are others here who have experienced this, and they can give you some insights and advice.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Job one is to tamp down her anxiety. Ask her doctor for medication to help her with that. Lexapro helped my mom a lot.
It's just natural to start depending on the proximity of other people to fill them in as to what is going on. You can try telling your mother when you're exiting the room, when your're doing this and that, that you'll basically be out of earshot and not be around for awhile. It may help her and you.
My relief was when my Mom went to daily senior care and nightly, when the caregiver took over for me.
My brother's relief was when he convinced me to come from another state and take care of her.
My sister's relief was that she lived in a different state. However, for the short time while she lived with my Mom, she used to hide out in an area that my Mom couldn't see (my Mom couldn't do stairs and there was this one area hidden from view.) My sister also used to wear wrap-around-the-ear headphones (visual clue that she was not to be bothered) and not answer my Mom's calls when she called out while wearing those specific headphones.
My Mom's memory loss not only meant that she couldn't remember, it also affected her interpretation of time. We attempted to set a timer or an alarm clock, however, she forgot what it was for or why it was set, which started a different round of questions.....each time.
Sometimes, I have no idea how I made it through that time of my life, however, I did survive it and the dementia continued to a different stage with new issues added.
((HUGS))
You can survive. Think of the book you could write and the stories you will be able to tell when this chapter is over.
you have to be firm
I will be busy so dont call me until xx because I can’t answer
You don’t establish boundaries and you’re heading fur burnout
This kind of behavior has no real solution except ignoring it.
If she's in a wheelchair, you could take her with you as you go from room to room. She may just feel comforted having you near.
Calling out for you could be part of a repetitive behavior which she can't stop. Often, with dementia, people get stuck in a "loop", repeating a word, phrase, or even an action. You can Re-direct her attention to something else which she is interested in, to break the looping cycle. Also, anti-anxiety medication could be very helpful.
As others have suggested, giving her small tasks - or helping her indulge in a hobby, can help to placate her and make her feel useful.
You need to protect your time and energy. Ignoring her calls may be hard to do, but try and develop a routine that is consistent, where you acknowledge her and provide a snack, or take a few minutes just to sit and give your undivided attention, or engage in an activity, such as taking a walk, going outside, doing a puzzle, whatever it is she might like. But, do this at the SAME TIME every day!
You will get her accustomed to the "schedule", and if she sees she is getting your attention, it could help to calm her anxiety. It's not easy with someone with dementia, as they don't remember very well, but they still seem to respond positively to a Consistent Routine!
I learned with my husband, consistent routine is key! Any change in the daily routine can feel very upsetting to the person with dementia.
- Before you start on your chores could you give your mom a puzzle, a movie or folding job of dish towels and wash clothes, or matching laundered socks?
- Could your sister sit and have tea with your mom? Can you get a "senior au pair" to live with you? Perhaps an elderly but fit cousin, or family friend?
- What are the usual things your mom calls for and can you arrange her to have all she needs around her just before you begin your work then each time your mom calls for you, in a sweet calm voice, you can say "I can't right now mom". Or, "as soon as I'm finished mom". Or, "Mom I need you to help me by allowing me to cook, or clean, or make phone calls, or pay the bills, etc.
- Is she in a wheelchair? Perhaps all she needs is to be in eye shot of you especially if her hearing is bad. Is it possible to cut out a portion of a wall and install a window between the room she occupies most and the rest of the house. Kind of open-concept to make her feel connected.
Play music near her.
I've presume that she had dementia, might be physically disabled, too.
I would venture a guess that "yes, mother will continue to call for you" and that won't stop.
When does it stop? When you make some (needed) decisions about the dynamics of the living situation.
In other words, it is up to you.
Consider:
Does she need to move out, memory care, AI ?
Or are you living you her house and you need to move out?
How long has this behavior / pattern been going on?
Do you need caregiver help to manage your mom's needs?
Are you able to set boundaries with your mother or are you unassertive?
Do you understand what dementia is / means - and that she may not be able to control or change what she is doing (due to brain changes).
Clearly, you want this situation to change so you can 'do things around the house' and I'll bet outside of the house, too. In other words, have a life of your own ... or more than you do now.
You might be at the point of being exhausted, depleted, overwhelmed.
So much depends on the housing situation, finances, health status of your mother, and how you feel about yourself and the relationship / responsibilities you have with your mom.
We do not know any of this so it is all guessing on my part.
Perhaps edit your question and give us much more information so we can support you.
Gena / Touch Matters
She knows you, she trusts you.
I have a couple suggestions that will help both of you.
1. Hire a caregiver, actually you might be able to call it a "companion". this person will help mom out and be there when she needs something. Mom will begin to trust the caregiver and rely on them.
When I hired caregivers it was like a new lease on life!
Before the home caregivers there was:
2. If there is an Adult Day Program in the area get mom involved with that. Typically they come in the morning and pick the participant up bring them to the program and they will get a breakfast, snack, lunch and a variety of activities. the one my Husband was involved in would pick him up before 9 and he would get brought back home by about 4. I can't begin to tell you what a difference those 3 days a week did for me. I could actually get things done.
In the meantime.
If you have to do something that will take you out of the area where she is give her a task to do to keep her occupied. Sort socks, fold towels, cut "recipes" out of a magazine. A coloring book, might also keep her busy.
Or give her a snack. Some Iced Tea and a bowl of berries, some cut up fruit will keep her busy.