The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Truthfully, I wish that my wife had been willing to leave her toxic mother decades ago. However, life is much better with her mom as well as my mom dead. I wish that her identical twin sister would have too as her husband sure did.

Hear hear Anxiety!

Gurshen, that's exactly how I feel. I left my family for ten years, then my dad died and there I am again, taking care of mom. Then all my issue came back, like I hit a brick wall.

I use to joke that maybe I was switched at birth, because they just are so different than me.

And since joining this forum and getting help other places , I've been getting the old me back. And man they don't like me.

And that's ok, cuz I realized, I don't like them all that much either. 🤪

Anxiety, I can relate to not liking who you are when you are around your family. It wasn't till the caregiving journey got really ugly that I started to become myself. I had always tried to fit in with my family up until then. I never felt I was like any of them. I felt like the outcast. Then when nobody stepped up to the plate for my mom and most of it fell on me that I realized that maybe I had something strong inside of me that they didn't. They don't seem to like the real me very much but that's okay cause I never liked who I was trying to be to fit in with them.

I guess you have to risk not being liked if you want to be your authentic self.

I've related this all on this forum before but it bears repeating especially if someone out there can relate and does not feel so alone knowing others feel the same.

Anxietynacy,

Good. I'm glad that your caught yourself and self regulated in a different direction.

We must have boundaries to help us avoiding becoming who we aren't.

Yoda, it was a very brief thought, just surprised me cuz that's just not who I am.

Probably why I don't like being around my family, because they turn me into something I'm not.

Anxietynacy,

You are welcome. "Doing things to his bed in anger or in his bed as a selfish escape? Either would be a flea because it would be more like a narcissist.

As far as time goes, tell me about it. I already had been dealing with toxic memories from my childhood and teen years, but I've been in therapy since 2009 when the really bad stuff, buried memories, came to mind. I've made a lot of progress. Most of my coping habits are behind me. As a statement on TikTok once said, 'you will come to despise what you were once so attracted to when you heal.' True, at the same time though, I have one coping mechanism that declines and rises according to how my emotions are, being triggered, plus returning or new memories.

Well, enough about me. I wish you the very best in dealing with your own fleas so we can all be as free of fleas as we can actually be!

So my brother stays at moms, one weekend a month, mom thinks she needs to wash his sheets and make his bed after.

Now she can't do that, she thought I was going to do it. I just through the sheets on his bed.

But in my mind I was thinking of things I'd like to do to his bed. Lol if I acted on that I would of been considered a flee?

Thank you Yoda, that makes a lot of sense now.

Coming from a dysfunctional family , I try to really learn about all this stuff.

I'm sure I've had times that I have been a flee.

I work on my emotional maturity, but there is always more to do , to be the best human I can be, and be educated.

Thank you so much

Anxietynacy,

Here is the address for the website where the article came from.

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas

One man I know whose wife has borderline personality disorder shocked me when he told me about his one night affair with TMI which gave me mental image of the person. He and his wife did get therapy. However, he told me that one of the first things the therapist said was to his wife, "your husband is not a bad man, this was a coping response to your sickness." I'm not sure how, but they are still together. Sometimes a rape victim in anger and hurt will return to the scene of the event but carry an automatic rifle which is not like her, but it gives her a sense of control and closure. Often times girls who grow up with not much of a dad will go wild looking for love in all the wrong places literally. I met several of those in high school even in Christian groups who in a secluded area would come on super strong. Many in the sex industry who are not there because of human trafficking are there because a family member raped them. They hate the men who they make money off of. Sorry, I'm so full of extreme examples and I'm not saying any of these could be at anytime possible of you. But these are the things that people get caught up with that began with being bitten by fleas and either not be able or just not getting help they end up somewhere that is really not them.

Anxietynacy,

Thanks for asking. By fleas, I mean traits that get developed on the surface of our personalities as a defense or coping mechanism. They are not really engrained parts of our personality, but they are there on the surface which means that they can come off.

Ok, I found an article that explains this much better. I can write out the link, but I don't think that I can post the link.

"Fleas - When a non-personality-disordered individual (Non-PD) begins imitating or emulating some of the disordered behavior of a loved one or family member with a personality disorder this is sometimes referred to as "getting fleas".

Fleas comes from the adage “Lie down with dogs and you are bound to get fleas”.

Sometimes, when a person has been exposed to an abusive situation for a sustained period, they will look for ways to escape - and sometimes they will experiment or resort to behaviors which are not characteristic but serve as a mechanism to demonstrate their anger.

These behaviors are often destructive and counter-productive and rarely get the abuse victim what they want. These behaviors usually result in regret, shame and apologies from the abuse victim towards their perpetrator. Some perpetrators may seize on such incidents as justification for their own abusive behavior or as a diversion from it.

Some Examples of Fleas

A submissive partner who occasionally becomes violent towards an abusive person or towards their property.

A placid individual who engages in name-calling, shouting or slander.

A faithful spouse who decides to have an affair.

What it Feels Like

If you have been living for a long time with a person who suffers from a personality disorder, chances are you have been living with the 3 dreadful companions - hopelessness, helplessness and powerlessness. Like an animal forced into a corner it is quite common to have the instinct to fight your way out of it.

Anger is a feeling that comes instinctively when we feel we aren't getting what we deserve. When we feel angry, our bodies produce adrenaline, our breathing rate and heart rate quicken. Our ability to think objectively and perform other maintenance tasks is reduced as our bodies instinctively divert resources towards our "fight or flight" mechanisms. We become like a tightly-wound spring.

However, most Non-PD's are more accustomed to "keeping the peace" than being aggressors and most of us are not comfortable or accomplished in winning arguments or fights.

We will often back down or feel remorse after lashing out. We may begin to compare our behavior to that of the person with the personality disorder and wonder if we are the ones who have "the" problem. It is common for Non-PD's to begin to question if they are the one who suffers from a personality disorder. It is also common for Non-PD's to greatly fear retribution after an angry outburst and engage in a manipulative campaign, similar to hoovering to try to deflect consequences or payback.

What NOT to do

If you find you are doing things that you are not proud of and think you may be getting fleas:

Don't fight fire with fire with a person who is abusing you - you will just feel twice the heat.

Don't use their poor choices as an excuse or justification for making bad choices of your own.

Don't allow your own bad choices to be used as an excuse for somebody else's bad behavior. Everyone gets to be responsible for their own stuff.

What TO do

Learn all you can about personality disorders and the abusive cycle.

Get yourself a support network where you can discuss things that concern you without feeling judged.

Work on setting Boundaries that will help you escape the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness.

Take along a friend or therapist if appropriate and confront the behaviors of your abuser in an assertive, rather than an aggressive way.

Promptly remove yourself and any innocent children from any verbally or physically abusive situations.

I will post again.

Thanks Yoda, I'm fighting 3 of them to get what best for mom.

3 against 1 ugh.

Curious what do you mean by flees, exactly?

Anxietynacy,

Yes and that involves getting free from the trauma bond.

Another thing that can happen, but not always nor automatically is that the child of a narcissist will develop some traits as a means of survival and they can get help for those, what I call mental health flees.

I wish you the best in your journey.

I've just been realizing, something about narssasistic parents and there children.

Often the children of a narssasist just wants to be loved because they have had so little of it.

The child of a narcissist takes on the roll of caregiving, hoping to get that love.

The narssasist withholds that love to keep the neglected child coming back , over and over hoping , this time I'll get love. The narssasist with holds it to keep them coming back. They fear that if they finally give the person taking care of them the love and acceptance they crave they won't come back. Which is a way to control.


So if us lost children of a narssasist accept the fact that we are looking for love in all the wrong place. They won't be able to control us that way anymore

🙂 today's wisdom quote:

“It’s a good day
to scream into your pillow.”

So my high school bf , I dumped because he was boring I'll say. I dumped him and met my ex. High school BF came out, like 5 years after . Living his best life Ptown Rhode Island.

Now my ex. 🤣 Im not sure what wrong with me I turn men gay. 😂
I am not judgmental at all but.....
It's a little weird

Way , that's so adorable. 🥰

who knows what will be going on at the time. Time will tell.

But now mom is being really nice, an unfake honest nice. And POA brother is fitting in more time to go to moms.

I'm just not a fan of being neat mostly my brother, but bro and ex is a lot!

So it's all going good!!

Anxietynacy,

It’s your decision .
I only went because I could not decide .
So I went , DH and kids came to run interference to help me dodge siblings as much as possible , although two had some ridiculous comments about how “ we all helped and visited Mom after Dad died “
NOT !!! I did 95% of the work and caught all the criticism .

Anyway as soon as the funeral was over My DH and I and my two kids hightailed it out of there for the 4 hour ride home . Did not join the family for the Irish funeral after party.

We stopped at McDonalds on the way home in honor of Mom , she loved their French fries .🍟🍟🍟
I’ve gone to the cemetery a few times . I bring Dad hot tea and Mom French fries and flowers . 🙄🙄. I know it’s silly .

Thinking about hothouse and what she is going through. When the time comes I might not even go to moms funeral. She will be gone, I'm dealing with what I'm dealing with for mom. Not my brother and his boyfriend.

I'm expecting my ex will be the one living at moms after she is gone.

They both know any more gossip about my life anymore disrespect from mom or any one, I bail. And I know my brother pulls moms strings . So I got them all walking on eggshells around me for a change!!

When moms gone I just want them 2 out of my life.

Hi some guy, sometimes we regret reconciliation, sometimes we don't.

Follow your gut, do what's best for you!

My family still hates me. They still think I roped Stanford, UCSF and CoH in on my "fake cancer" diagnosis.

My father wants me try and reconcile with them, but honestly at this point, I can go either way with them. You don't need a lot of hatred at my level of cancer, you need support.

Just saw someone on reddit write this GREAT comment:

“One of the best lines in the movie ‘9 to 5’, which should be told to every Narc on a pity party (‘Honey, get off the cross, we need the wood.’)”

today’s final wisdom quote:

"No one is going to give you the education you need to overthrow them."

today's wisdom quote #3

"Beware the person who stabs you and then tells the world they're the one who's bleeding."

🙂 today's wisdom quote #2

"I am convinced that the hardest language to speak for some is the 'truth'."

flying monkeys are people the narcs/toxic people recruit to do their dirty work against you. if you have an abuser in your life, it's very likely you have flying monkeys circling you. protect yourself from these people. keep them out. don't give them information; it'll be used against you.

today's wisdom quote:

"Don't feed the flying monkeys."

🙂 today's wisdom quote:

“You know how to tell when someone is miserable with their own life? When they look for ways to destroy someone else’s.”

“I have a dysctional family. There is no fun whatsoever.”

🥰 today’s final wisdom quote:

“If you’re reading this, I hope something great happens to you today.”

🙂 today's wisdom quote #2

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.