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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.

The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"

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Ali

based on the Viking's experience, seroquel may knock you for a loop

she was initially given 12.5 mg which kept her in bed all day and did nothing to calm her

rather than keep increasing it, we switched her to a different 2nd generation anti-psychotic and now have her on a very low dose - a quarter of the original

I admire you for seeking our help as so many don't
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Ali, one of my best friends is on Seroquel for depression and it has been a miracle drug for her!
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Ali, I wouldn't recommend Seroquel. I was prescribed it off-label to help with insomnia. It was definitely not a good fit for me. I took it one night and had a total meltdown. I was having flashbacks to my Mom's last nights in the hospital. And I mean total flashbacks. I could smell the hospital, hear the sounds, you name it. I ended up walking the streets at 4 am. that night just trying to shake it off. Add to that the clogged nose I got with it. Maybe you'll have better luck but I would advise not taking it.
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I just want to apologize about my last post.

TG what I was trying to say was that its an honor to be the head of the family,and being there for your loved ones. There is a line to be drawn when being taken for granted. I am coming from a very sensitive place and feelings of isolation and at times my sensiitivity over rides common sense.
.
Some times I get stuck on stupid. Go back to being so sensitive. I think I am doing something right and it blows up and keeps blowing up. I am not blaming just seeing some left over threads of sabotage. I feel if I am hurting from it then they have won. I want to stop hurting.

Trying to find the key. Maybe I never will but I have not choice but to keep trying. Its painful to see how deep and far reaching some scars go in me and my life.
Other stuff I want to share but I feeling to out of sorts to put it in words so I will leave it
Off for a few days. Got a medical apt. See lawyer soon. Maybe its underlying anticipation about health and lawyer and state of this family.

Just lost a lot of my post.

I wish you all the best.
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I've been on Wellbutrin and Lamictal for my bipolar I. My psychiatrist put me on Seroquel at one time, but I found it made me very drousey. I have a new psychiatrist and she put me on Latuda which was recently approved for bipolar depression. It works well at 40 mg.
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It's 50mg daily dose. He said that was a "very small" dose! Ayyy. Look, I'm going to try it. I've tried the whole catalog of SSRI/SNRI, DNRA, benzos, at this point. It's something different. He's knows it's just a "try." But I'm ready to try something different to see if it will help. I have mood swings bad enough to cause me to miss days of work this past year, and as recently as last week. I think I'm improving but I want more tools, too. :-(

He thinks I could have some of the bipolar type 2 symptoms and he's right, I do. This med is not first line med for that, he said, but it is included in treatment options for bipolar 2.

I'm going to start with a tiny, tiny dose then. I thought someone here might have some input about it, which is why I mentioned. I'm going to try it though because I have nothing to lose and I'd like to have my symptoms fully under control. I'm 44 next month. How many years of my life are going to be spent managing mental illness symptoms? I'm tired of it. If I can get relief, I have to try. Thanks for the input, though.
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Ali, what is the prescribed dose? My mom started with 12.5 mg, once a day. I would not touch it, there must be another med. Maybe a different doctor?

It is prescribed off label for elderly with agitation/sundowning behaviors. It is actually commonly used for schizophrenia, I think. It is an antipsychotic.
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I was Rx'd Seroquel/quetiapine today. It's a very small mg dose according to my doc, but may help with some mood swing issues I have... maybe. I'm game to try something new. I'm not taking anything in the way of psych meds right now besides the occasional diazepam. I thought it might be of interest here on AC because this medication is more commonly prescribed to elderly dementia patients if they have agitation, at least that was my impression.

I have no idea what to expect. I'm going to start with half of the prescribed dose because I've had good success with starting a new med that way in the past, taking it very slow.
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Just got screamed at and cursed at for using the vacuum cleaner. Because I break everything (I have never broken anything of theirs, in fact their son is the one who always breaks stuff, not on purpose) I touch. I have to do everything by hand, which makes me wonder why did he spend so much money on expensive vacuums and dishwashers if I cannot use them.

Cinderella is going on strike. I’m done here. My health is going down the toilet and I don’t have insurance...
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TG, there's nothing wrong with being the parent that says, "Sink or swim." They have to learn their own way sometime. I understand though that losing a job is something out of one's control. Is there any way maybe you could help her with the first 3 months' rent on an apartment instead? That would help her get back on her feet but at the same time encourage her to be self-sufficient without making her too dependent on you, plus would give you and your wife more alone time, which is important for your marriage. Plus, you and your wife really do need the vacation. I think you should go ahead and take it if at all possible.
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NIght Night for real.
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Tg, Cwillie , is right on point as usual.
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TG I remember some of what you posted in past. Its a hard way to go. From my stand point I would love to have family reach out. I have been taken for granted and used as doormat a lot. But I miss the feeling of what I thought was love, in my present isolation and position as outcast. You are a very loving person and its hard to embrace chaos. I wish you the best as you deal with the movement and growth in your family.

Today was one of those days. I was missing my son. spoke to oldest grand got a text from DIL that package I sent arrived and it felt so good to not be outcast and a thought to someone.

I have so many issues and it scares me sometimes thinking about some decisions and choices I have made and what in the world was missing, why didnt I love myself enought to reject certain issues with my mother and later my sister as normal and then continue to need that semblance of love. What happened to my self persevation button. I would have jump a tall building in a single bound for anyone else. Guess I should be on the whine line but I dont want to relive these thoughts. Although once when I was back and forth in different forums I ended up working my stuff out eventually in my posting.

Anyway my train ride was a lecture about the president and the wall and how things used to be in the 70's by a guy I see outside begging. In NY where I am every block you walk someone is asking for change some even state the dollor or five dollars. Then a man got on and he had a story about cancer. How he was diagnosed with bad exzema but it was acutally cancer and 3rd stage he learned when he came to NY. He said gave options on how to give him. Share the story or give him change. Its was sad, I gave him change and just partly shared the story. So that still had me a little sad and then I get on the bus and this woman with a toddler and baby sat next to me and the baby was crying and just stopped when I started to guu guu gaa gaa her, everyone near was doing same and it was so funny to see people from all walks and ages frown again when she started crying again. Well seeing that youth and innocence and love made me feel a tad better. Sometimes I get tired of feeling like poop.

I am still trying to get approval for a pelvic mri, and have apts set next month about the thyroid biopsy and Gastric issue. These past few week the gastric pain started to flare up so I am back on those meds. So I will be busy enough and then I will be glad to complete my promise to take Shams' children iceskating. so far they are doing okay. They have a lot of support from the church and friends of family. I am looking forward but dont have the level of motivation so it bother me.

So thanks for letting me vent. I guess I will go back to my hobbie - tv series. I am almost finished binge watch reign and am in the last season now. Cant wait for start trek to return that was really good. Ooh,and I watched "What They Had" which is a movie about a family dealing with aging.

Rays of light , love and peace to you all. Sleep Tight.
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TG I hope you have learned something from the last time, have an understanding from the very beginning about how long she can stay and about your expectations in regards to household chores, it will be much better to lay it all out from the start.
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Sandwiched again..... or soon to be. Dad moved in five years ago. Daughter moved in with hub 3 years ago, 2 years after moving in kicked him out of our house then a few months ago she moved out and in with a new BF (soon to be SIL, real nice guy). Other daughter just lost her job and is coming home. Still has a place but not sure for how long so may be the sandwich generation yet again.
I dont want to be the dad that says "sink or swim". I will give them every opportunity but getting tired of no alone time with my wife. Supposed to be planing a big vacation this year but may have to use some of that money to take care of crisis number 105 with daughter moving in (possibly). Dads car is tanking so may have to buy him a new used car as he has no money and we are not in an area that has transportation nor does he have the money for a car yet alone repairs.
Never having quiet time less than an hour.
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Chris - I am gad you can keep your cool.

duck - ah you found it. It is good to be cautious before blaming. The bubble bath was great,

gershun -feeling better thank you, Now to get my sleep hours to a good routine, Bullying does leave its mark. and can quite seriously affect people as adults. Three of my kids were bullied at school. One quite severely. I approached the school gym teacher about bullying in his classes and he acknowledged it and said there was nothing he could do about it. My oldest son was being slammed up against the gym wall and nearly knocked out a few times. I was furious. In those days bullying was not the concern it is now and there was no recourse. We supported the kids at home when they were being bullied and made suggestions about how to handle it, He has grown up well and worked out any issues he had.

We are having a warmer day tomorrow so I am running errands.
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Golden, you are always so good about acknowledging everyone. How are you feeling these days? Better I hope.

As for my grade one experience. I know people blame their past experiences for their present day problems and it's wise to just get past it and move on. But I think the bullying by someone who I thought of as my first best friend ever left it's mark and shaped the person that I've become. I don't trust easy and I think I've left good people behind in the dirt because of my trust issues. But it's hard when you want to protect your heart to let just anyone into it.
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Golden, the bubble bath sounds luxurious!!!!!! Enjoy.

Thanks all for bearing with my crazy.

This weekend while I was off I had this strong need to post. I was introspective in a positive way and grateful for what ever bought me here, and what ever led me to getting affordable counseling with no insurance, proud of my progress in dealing with stress and anger and pain that I live everyday.

Its very difficult texting on my phone even worse now that it seems to have a malfunction. Random calling people, and repeated calling. making a call while I am talking on phone. Phew so I just gave up hoping I would remember where my heart was.

Rays of love, light and happiness to all!
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Country, that was a nice flashback. I enjoyed it.

Chris, hang in there. Eventually she may move out of that stage into one that is easier on the nerves in general.
I am not sure what you were saying about the HBP but when my pressure is high I forget things repeat doing things and am acutually very mildly confused and dont even know it. After I keep forgetting where I put something and it right in front of my face. Or leave something in a store or a key in the door then I realize what it is. A high salt snack or treat can send very high for days.
Make sure she is taking her meds and not hoarding them like my mother.

Sharyn, my heart and prayers are with you and your brother. Its a tough road but like you I am sure he is a fighter and will come out of thisl.

Golden! Ah the tv was found by me a on my last day of work. I got off that morning, fell a sleep woke up late in the afternoon I noticed the door to parlor floor was open and it was cold. Went to close the door and low and behold there was the tv. There is this giant stove ion the parlor floor that my mother the hoarder salvaged from a friend moving to another state. It couldnt fit through doors and has been there for many years. I was not living there at the time but I went with her and this coleman who batch jobbed the shed when she got the stove, a van full of lampshades which were beautiful, and a bunch of ice chests and junk. A lot of that stuff is still in rooms. Anyway I will babble and go on and on often told to get to the point. Well the stove was blocking the view of the tv.

Now how it got there will remain a mystery. I was glad to see it. I dont know if it was returned or was there all along. It was very similar to the crockpot express cooker that I had bought brand new still in box missing. Now my mother did a lot of sabatoge in her life towards me but she did not move that big heavy box and put it in the bathroom. Well the tv about 40 inches wide was light. My mother has often taken all the cables apart and covers the screen with towells and things but has never moved it.

The thing is I felt bad if no one moved it out of malice. I felt bad for the thoughts and anger. I had typed up these nice notes about honor and the lack of understanding of how my mother was so active in all areas in her life and is left with televison as her only form of communciation with outside.........

Things I said need to be said but I know these would be ignored and read by illogical, tainted minds so I am glad I didnt post them.

But one thing I was proud of during this event was that I kept my head. I spent a lifetime giving the benefit of the doubt in situations and events concerning my mother and my sister. I know what they are capable of, seen them in action out side of myself.

I have so many demons to deal with but I have never tried to harm or hurt anyone. (except for my son's father, I tried to run him over with the car only it didnt pick up speed fast enough that was over 36 years ago)

I know I have been brainwashed by my mother from an early to be her crutch, blame for everything. I did it. I realize this meshing is far deeper than I could have imagined and that's painful also. I mean every stage she goes through, every change if she doesnt eat i feel down. I mean I dont even get upset when she comes in bathroom while I am on toilet or shower. I guess she broke me in and I am trained. I get tired of her high pitched hoarse chatterings. I realize all she wants is a similance of who she was, always planning or counting or checking so I go along. Then there is the conspiracy thing talking about some one or saying SHhh about someone supposedly near.

She has started banging on the door again but its not long like before. If I am half asleep I hear the door knob turning or her with a key trying to get in. One morning when I was off I was startled to awake hearing her in my room, I had left the door open. She would have had a field day!! LOL

Its hard......
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Golden, Blackhole- I was diagnosed with HBP before my mother. HBP runs' in my paternal family. It is one reason my grandmother died at 59(1973), She was also a smoker. But I don't go ballistic about things important to me. I do make an argument about something(my health, biking, discrimination, etc.). But I don't get fire engine red in the face, in the process.
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((((((ali))))) that's tough about the g/f. Addicts blame others -what can I say. Rough life = many of us have had a rough life and some still are. It's not an excuse. However BPDs have a hard time with lots of things. You don't have much choice other than to let her go. It is her issue. Missing people is no fun. I am sorry for that part. I know about limited energy That's no fun either. Yeah - one step in front of the other...

duck - I wonder if the tv will turn up again, In any case it is wrong. Keep working on the apartment. Glad you are keeping your cool.

gershun - I have had to, too. One I found out was a prescription drug addict and one was a narc. Neither were good for me. Nasty grade one experience you had.

nomore - good luck with the applications

send - so true that everyone needs friends

Margaret - I am sorry. Sometimes you have to go "no contact" even with your children. Marriage can make a big difference. I was "no contact" with one son for 3 years - very much his wife's doing. I know it is her problem. Now it isn't formal but is obvious she wants nothing to do with us, so I see him once in a long while. Life goes on.

cm - the video is awesome. I needed it for totally different reasons

sharyn - always thinking of you and the health issues your family has been through

chris - Happy New year to you. It's tough with your mum. High BP wont help. Hope she takes her meds.

glad -hope you feel better soon.

Getting the executor stuff done, Didn't go south as the house I like has had an offer made on it. But, it has made me think again about what I want which is good. Little bit of a sore throat but I think I can get rid of it with zinc lozenges.

Brain fog is clearing - may have been mostly stress/grief related. Had a little work done on house repairs last couple of days and I am having a quiet day today. Progress not perfection!!! The days are getting longer and we have only about 6 weeks of possibly severe winter left. Yay!!!

Take care of you everyone. I bought some bubble bath for me and plan on soaking in it soon.
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Hang in there, Chris. It’s never really a new year, is it?? Your mother has a long history of not making sense. Find a way to keep your blood pressure down - and to heck with hers.

(((big hugs)))
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Hello all, Happy New Year.

I have tried to keep daily reports about my mother. To a minimum.

I had another argument with my elderly(78 in Nov.'2018) mother. Today she stormed in my bedroom to tell me 'something'. She yelled that the FBI are doing an investigation on Pres. Trump, as if I voted for him. I purposely didn't vote at all. Because of behavior like my mother's. That when it comes to politics, only she is right. When I said I don't care what Trump supposedly did(I can't find any headline on CNN about it), or how the FBI has supposedly reacted. She stormed out of my bedroom. My elderly parents'(father, mother, step-mother) are political 'junkies'. Like they need a daily 'fix' of political discussion. But my elderly mother's reactions about it are stratospheric. Maybe her unfortunately being diagnosed with HBP(high blood pressure). Will temper her 'political' behavior. Then again, maybe not.
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Thank you Frzz and Duck regarding my brother. There are no updates on improvements. It is a sad situation. I’m hoping and praying with time he will come out the other side.
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Countrymouse,
Loved your reference.
Harvey and Rabbit tv ad deluxe version-youtube
for those not wanting to copy and paste.
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www.youtube.com/watch?v=20UhjXpFX_c
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Thinking, no matter how kind and understanding, how mature, it may feel like rejection, or another loss. You are handling it well, Ali, imo.
Kudos to you! You are an example of a good friend. At her time of chaos, you
were very understanding.
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Send, it was great advice, sorry if I took your clearly well meaning and generally aimed advice and turned it into something too personal to the specific situation. "It's all good," like they say in the common vernacular. I understood your intent with your comment; I think I had unfinished words to say about this girlfriend-breakup I just went through. It's an emotionally complicated situation and I don't blame her in the least for calling out her own boundaries.

I do feel like... I'm not the problem here, and that friendship with me isn't the problem. But she'll either figure that out on her own or she won't, and I cannot do anything now except get out of the way for her to do the work she must do on herself.
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I woke up this afternoon, in a bad place, tearful, on my way in to what I call a "funk". So I dug in my heels, prayed and recalled some things I had learned through therapy. It worked.

I had came in this morning and saw that empty spot where tv used to be and thought how F
*&^D up my family is, how messed up we are as a family, I felt the old pain, and hurts, wondering and knowing at the same time the source of this crazyness. The mental illness and how the dyfunction is passed on and continues. Then I remembered how my mother didnt even want me to watch either of the tv's, how she would turn them off while I was watching something or unplug them and put chairs and towels infront of them. And I thought oh wow, I had vowed she didnt ever have to worry about me getting her a tv again. Then here I am thinking to get another tv put a lock on the plug and then also chain it to the bars to window or something.

I just know things are going to get worse. I just dont know what to do to protect myself and my rights. I am so highly insulted at the invasion of trust and honor which is nothing new so why am I mourning this.

Also, I called place to make apt. for interview the woman says to be sure and bring in the disability certification. I had previously put visually impaired on my application form and have since changed it. I guess this was an older one. So I ask her what if I cant get form completed and she says I go on regular waiting list so that is where i stand now.

I was desparate for housing and decided to use my poor vision as a disability. I told I was very close to being legally blind in high school. I was eligible for an NYC bus driver postion, took test, passed and they stopped hiring before they got to my number. Then they called me again and I failed the vision they say the requirments were changed.

So here my trying to be smart backfired. So now I am kind of releived because the place was really too far out of my area of operation. I know I need to get out and I dont really think I can afford it.

Then I spoke to the social worker case manager who put me in for the therapy. I have to redo my intake again and they will most likely help me pay for the therapy.

The topper of my day was that I went down and heated up my mothers meal. She was sitting playing with stuff in a large suitcase and reading wording on an old block party banner. I sit there and start feeding her as she read and duig through bag. I am thinking I will have to start getting down earlier so I can take more time and feed her. Anyways when I come down to leave out she is smacking her lips and scaping the plate. Now that made my day.

Gershun, you are so right and your advice is always right on.

Ali, I admire your many qualities that I have noticed. You are so resilient and understanding. What you posted about your friend shows how much you loved and cared for her. That the growth and years of friendship was a period of growing to understand and embrace her. You seem to know and understand her innermost pain and turmoil and life experience. You are a wonderful person just becuase of that in my book. You love hard. People do move in and out of our lives. For a reason and sometimes a short season sometimes forever. Friends grow apart. Who knows what is in her heart now or what was. Move on, she has to find her own way and figure this out. Its difficult and thus the blame. But when someone shows you who they are believe them especially when it hurts you.

Hard.

You got good things going on, maybe new friends is in the mix. You have a beautiful heart.
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Ali,
Was trying to be supportive.
What I meant was, your friend announced and accused you of chaos, and I thought that was unfair for her to blame you, for her own stuff. Make sense now?

Reading my post over (when you said there was a lot of generalities there), I go oops, what did I say? Except for my brief reference to you, I was speaking in general, not that it applied to you.

Did I mess up? Sorry. I see that I did not say what I meant, or even say anything of value.
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