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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.

The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"

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Hi posting and responding here is semi new for me as i dont get on as much as i would like, but this topic caught my eye. i would just like to say god bless all of us who r in this world of caregiving, dysfunctional, and such now at 64 single no children and losing my mom 9/3/21 after being her 24/7 caregiver since 2014 i bitched, i cried, i felt guilty, and i wanted to die at times and to add dysfunctional to the mix WOW that was me. i lost my first brother in 2014, my dad in 2018, my other brother and my mom in 2021, i am/was the trunk of this family and i hope, wish, pray for all of you to have peace, courage, strength, and love. I coming from his/hers/ours, not easy that alone w/o any other drama. god and tears have been my sanity. starting a life at 64 again I never dreamed it would be me i found and find strength in these online groups, they r my life line god bless all of u and hang on, this to shall pass its what we keep that will break or mold us in the future.
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Cwillie, very true! Only a grandparent, lol! Our son in law wants him tested for Covid since he was up coughing most of the night. We are trying to figure out who is taking him to get tested and when…our daughter didn’t want to take off work because they are shorthand plus she has surgery coming up soon, but may have to just be late to work today so he gets tested.
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So while we are in the house this supervisor is speaking adamantly to eva saying my mother is her only concern she is not to fo anything for us. Over and over. I asked if she could tell me what this was a out she made question obsolete and didnt answer. The aps woman came and explained how the nurse agency called complain abou my sister sending aide to store and refusing to help that day. Anyways down the line the aide stated my sister helps more. This is because she helps them bathe her but then she goes up. The fact is she is doing more than she ever has. It does not take away from what I do. It's not a competition but it fed into the mission that I was the problem.
I told her we both help but my sister helps Her more. I dont feed into her hustle for money. I got her game early on
I go to pantries and I was giving her a lot of stuff which she gave to people in her building then she asked me that I could get the things the people were willing to pay and we could split it. I didnt want to hurt her feeling but said I give from my heart not for money. I had other issues with her overstepping boundaries. Opening thing injustice bought gokngbinto supplies and using my things. She was saying oh I bought your mother books only to discover they were my books.
Anyways I had mind to run it all down on her but I kept my mouth shut. That day I also told her to be careful following my twister that she already thru her under the bus over the medications. She has now taken over the meds and actually keeps them upstairs. The neds should be where anyone can get to them. I also told this supervisor to get us some counseling after her tirade about our dysfunction.
So I was back to brokenness in my heart so tired and helpless at my twister s scheme to undermine and make me obsolete. I just leave it let it play out because I know down the line she will expose her self.
I feel much better now we R 6 months in and ba e a long ways to go.
Llooking forward to seeing my son and family specially the grands next month
Ray's of love and healing to us all.
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Lold Cwilllie that was cute.
Allthe best Sharyn. I think it's a priviledge to spend time with the Grands.

I have just discovered Florence Scovel Shinn. She wrote "The game of life and how to play it." and other works. I first listened in utube and then downloaded her works. It's great. I was reading the book this morning about the law of resistance and how if we dont respond the upsetting situation lose their power. I had spoke with my friend who always says I shouldn't be surprise at my sister's antics and how in past she had done a lot of crying and then things didnt bother her. I may not be making this clear. But when I was reading the pdf it started to make since.
I just have to figure it out.

My sister has a new flying monkey. Eva the aide. She gives her money and is her eyes and ears. She is also cooking for my sister. So sometimes when I cook i made enough for us all but notice she didnt give my mother the dishes i left sometimes.
I got call from APS ms Marks of visit last friday. Before this the nursing agency called about helping the aides with my mother. Turns out that aide had called twisted for help and she refused saying today was not her day. So my sister me with them before I got there I was in the laundry and running errands and something made me go to house I was going to wait for clothes to dry.
Aanyways they were all out side in uproar because lights were out.
The circuit breaker flips when I have the convection ovens on and use microwave. All the aide know this and I show them how to turn back on.
My twister manage to poison these people and make it look like I was the problem. I was rudely told not to plug in any high electrical appliances and there was an electrician coming and there was no need for heaters because it's not cold. The tone and spirit was insulting to say the least.
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Only a grandparent would welcome a sick, snotty nosed kid, I'd be saying no thank you 🤣
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Tomorrow we will have one of our grandsons for the day. He has a fever 102*f, stuffed up sinuses and coughing. I’m glad we have the covid vaccine and flu vaccine. I’ve already been exposed to him since I was at my daughters house onMonday making caramel apples.

I will wear a mask tomorrow for extra protection. I hope he just has a minor virus and since E is sick, it’s possible L will get it as will.
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HI! Where is everyone? Maybe not posting is a good sign. I am not posting a lot because this phone is so inconvenient.




I hope all is well with everyone.
Babybrooks I think it's a loving caregivers plight. Especially when your life has been revolving around the loved one well being. My mother being a narcissist had me well programmed to her needs and happiness. So much so that I can deeply feel her changes. She is home and I will often find myself depressed deeply and tearful because l am helpless in fixing anything now. And its after I am in this state for a painful while that I realize I am killing my self slowly stressing and worrying. I am so afraid to lose her and it's a reality if I don't go first. It's like she is part of my life force.

So I know I need to get away. I have anxiety issues with everything. I am looking forward to getting away to see my son and family in Ca for Thanksgiving. I wouldnt be able if the aides weren't here and the guardianship. I'd probably come to changed locks on my return.

I think you need to take a break and take care of you. Build yourself up inside out.
Hand in.
Love peace and healing to us all.
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My father might be in a NH but I still am his caregiver who goes to the NH all the time to make sure things are ok and that he has clean clothes brushes his teeth put deodorant on ECT... SOOOOO I'm still the caregiver who is burned out. I called my dad today because they have COVID cases in the NH and I can't go in so when I call and he still saying come get me that he needs to go to the bank and I don't understand and that someone whoever needs to come now. My heart can't take anymore and I'm the only visitor that sees him because my brother and sisters are asses. I feel bad I feel sad I feel guilty I feel sick a lot this caregiver in done mentally. I know I have to keep going and I 'am.
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Greetings to you all. I hope all is well with everyone.

Golden I. Glad you enjoyed the birthday.
Yes my son's visit was great. 4 years. I didnt cry in front of him but I bgg did when he came and after he left.


I did my thing and cleaned halls and set up him a nice space. It felt strong today. I guess feeling cared for builds us up. This morning the door was unlocked when I came In plus the aide was not there. On two previous occasions she didnt come in and another time she was very late. Each time I came home surprised and i asked her to.please inform me also. She stays in touch with mybsidtervwho signs her time sheets. I told her I asked her for this courtesy in past that next time I will agency and ask where she is or if she called in. I felt very strong in addressing this. I don't have anything to do with her communicating.
Wwith my sister I dont like being left out the loop. I explained that I call my clients when I'm going to be delayed a while just so the are not alarmed. I want help but feel cast out and feeling like it is a goal of my sister. As I mopped down hallways and stair case I came across cat poop not to mention resenting having to clean up her old cat vomit areas from years past. It was hard at first to overlook and be able to walk past and not care. I felt its three of them walking past thisband I can learn to do same. But i couldnt expose my son. Actually it was so nice to see clean and fresh after so long. It touches me it gets to me.
Ali glad to see you getting progress with meds.
I have many sleepless nights some times ibcsntvget the worry or stress out of my mind.
Anewsy I am grateful and look forward to visiting my son at thanksgiving for a few weeks.
Rays of peace and healing for us all. Hugs to all.
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Countdown to a full moon, 4 days.
Here is what I am doing now:
Hunkering down, keeping a low profile, trying not to instigate disagreements, keeping emotions in check. Watching old reruns on T.V. to distract myself.
Trying not to panic after someone's bad behaviors.

Eating a nice salad for dinner, then some ice cream for dessert! y u m . 🍨

Early to bed.
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We have employee appreciation bbq on Saturday. I will not be going. Too many people indoors, no masks or intent to mask even if needed in this rogue county.
Just not going to risk it and make sure that HR knows why.

There has been so much good ol boy crap at work lately the powers have a very hard time treating people the same. Thinking about doing something about it. Now a committee member made a rude comment, harassing comment about my surgery. There has been so much crap over the years. I don't play their games and they don't like it, not one little bit.
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Failing to 'protect' the person in my home who constantly goes after the old, spoiled food in the fridge, but has been known to sort through the trash.
I cook and prepare food regularly, but he is on a roll, eating the 12 day old chicken. The fridge is packed, I can't even find things in there.

"three to four days:
According to the USDA, cooked chicken will last three to four days in the refrigerator, and two to three months in the freezer. Eating cooked chicken after this point can result in foodborne illness — even at refrigerated temperatures, bacteria can still grow".
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Ali, I'm happy for you that you have found a balance that works for you.

I've been feeling really down lately. Missing my cat Daniel a lot. For those of you who don't read other threads we had to have him put down August 18th. It's amazing how a little furry being can capture your heart and not let go. I still have my other cat but it's just not the same around here without Daniel.

Plus ever since getting my second covid vaccine I've been feeling really dull and lackluster. Even my face looks different. There is a spark that seems to have left my appearance. I feel like everything is an effort. Even just blow drying my hair leaves me exhausted. I feel like crying when I have to bend over to pick something up. No kidding...........I do hope this passes soon.
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Cheyenne, I have been there and done that, not making fun of your situation. I don’t know your situation. I can say that there are times we must step back and put ourselves first. It sounds like that is where you are at. Take a needed break, you may be surprised that things will be taken care of by others once they see you are not currently able to.
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I just wanted to share something here that happened to me recently. I've been taking mood stabilizers for over a year and I've noticed my behavior changed a lot and it was in a good way. I'm pretty happy I finally found medication to help that part of my life. Anyway, so recently I had this weird blip where I couldn't sleep for two nights in a row, and I went back through my old Facebook posts from the past few years and realized... there is this whole pattern of me kind of "flaring up" about once a month or so. It's hard to describe. But it's there. And I don't want to medicate myself to the point that my old sparkly personality is gone but tbh, I think that could be for the best. So I had this two day blip where I was so miserable and couldn't sleep no matter how much I tried. I remember the feeling from before -- I think it's when you have too much cortisol at night. Just as soon as I'd be getting relaxed, my brain/body would just juice itself on some cortisol or adrenaline or something... and I'd be completely awake again.

I don't know that I described it well. It was an interesting and miserable experience but it reminded me that I used to have those problems before I was taking mood stabilizer meds and also the nightly zolpidem. The combo really helps me. I'm a little behind on school work now because of the blip, but I should be able to catch up this week and keep going.

I'm just realizing how much these meds have helped me. I'm so glad! It's been a long time now that I wanted to "smooth the rough edges" of my mood swings. I've never thought of myself as being bipolar but going back though old posts of mine definitely showed the pattern. I've changed, for the better, and it's a good thing.
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If I am being honest, I am struggling. There is way too much on my plate right now so instead of taking action my brain and body have just shut down and I am not doing anything at all.
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Glad, we are surging as well. Even though I received the vaccine, I am wearing a mask when I do out and distancing. I lost a friend on September 4 from complications due to covid. I’m glad I got to see her before I left California.

continue getting better, we are cooling down into fall weather. This virus seems to explode with cooler weather, more people inside,etc. Stay safe.
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We have a 4th surge here too, other areas of the country have it much worse than here. The news just reported people in this state are getting it 3 and 4 times. Still should get the vax.

Golden great you got estate done. I am sure it is a relief!

Yes chest area has loosened a lot. Couldn't sleep well for the last nine weeks until the last 4-5 nights. Work is ok, what I would give to be able to retire! But at least I enjoy my job.
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sharyn - Sisters!!! So glad I cut contact with mine. You worked very hard looking after your mum.

Fraz -so sorry your hub is so ill and your fil passed Too much!!! You have been through a lot and still going! Let us know how things are. Prayers for you and him! He is so young!

Onetriestoohard - welcome. You have a big load with two parents. Glad you can work with your sib. Yes old stuff comes up and makes the caregiving job harder. Sounds like you are looking after yourself which is great.

Hi duck -been thinking of you with 9/11. Thanks for b'day wishes. I had a quiet day. Just today dd came over and we ordered in for my b'day treat. Glad things are going well with home care. Not surprised you are still emotional. You have been through a lot. Have a good visit with your son! It's so good to see family.

glad - I read on some thread that your chest area is more comfortable - what a relief. Hope work is going well.

My good news is that the last cheques have been sent out so mother's estate is finalized and I have no more work to do in that regard. Whew! I have had a few emotional moments realizing that my life is free of certain influences for the first time in my 84 years of living. It feels good - very good!

Here after a strange summer, not two nice days in a row, we are having some lovely fall weather and no frost yet, so no leaves turning colour. We always have frost by the end of August, but not this year. I just put some rhubarb in the garden and hope it takes.

My dgd is out on her own and taking a power engineering course so she can earn lots of money. Sounds like a good plan for an 18 year old. Dgs at 16 wants to be a marine biologist!

We are into our 4th wave of covid and are the province with the lowest rate of vaccination in Canada and the highest rate of cases. I am once again having groceries delivered to be on the safe side as our local case rate is high. This too will pass!!!

Take care everyone and check in once in a while. (((((((hugs))))))
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Hhello everyone! I pray you are all fine and in good spirit and health. I am just checking in. I am not caught up. Things are going well since home care. A few growing pains as I adjust to aides and personalities. So grateful for them. I am still emotional and tearful often. I am looking forward to seeing my son this week for first time in about 3 years. Going to try and set up a nice space for him he only coming for one night just to check.

Hhappy belated birthday Golden. I know it was a lovely day for you.
I miss and love you all and those special parts in my heart I will never forget😘😘❤❤.
Once I set up my laptop a computer that's easily acessibl
I will post move often.

Stay strong and beautiful. Ray's of love and healing.
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Hi I just joined yesterday. Been carer for parents since beginning of year.
Shared with sibling, we never got on brilliantly but have joined forces to work together and it has been good for us. It is A challenge as parents have accepted help but recently are kicking off against it, as they require more help especially with their finances which they never discussed with us. Old traits of how you were treated as children growing up come to the forefront, as they come out stronger as dementia is coming in. You learn to step back from it, at first you get upset and question their comments or anger towards you, why did you just say that ? or do that to me ? You realise it was what was how they spoke to you when you were at home, you could not escape from it then, but you can choose now to not accept it, walk away, take a breather. I was told to give yourself space, as long as they are safe, have a day or half a day away, they may appreciate you when you not there. Also not to get involved in their arguments, sometimes they are mean to each other and Id say, but was advised they are a couple, its how they probably always been, its their argument. As long as they are not abusing each other.
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Frazzled good to see you here. Hoping your hubby turns the corner soon and on his way to health, healing and getting stronger. This covid sure can cause serious issues for so many.
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Frazzled - praying that your husband will pull through. I would be a nervous wreck, too, if I were in your shoes. So sorry you're going through this.

Good to see you back.
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It's been quite awhile since I posted here. The last time I posted I believe was early this year when I was going through physical therapy for a broken foot that I had surgery on due to a car wreck last September. Then my husband's dad was diagnosed with lung cancer a couple of months after and we were trying to decide when to make the trip out of state to visit, which we did and had a nice visit with his dad and family around his birthday in April...

Sadly, today he passed away after having been in hospice care for about 3-4 weeks. And life here has been beyond stressful. It seems I come here more often than not to vent. You guys became my online support family when I was caring for mom, and I know there's always someone here who understands.

My husband is only 48, and he got COVID at the beginning of August, and was hospitalized for breathing issues on 8/7. He is still as of now in ICU on a ventilator. No, I haven't told him about his dad because of how critical he still is. I'll wait until he gets better. He just had a trach today and we are looking at transferring him to a LTAC facility for hopefully being able to wean him off the ventilator and then being able to go to physical rehab to regain his strength. That's our hope. I know there are no guarantees. It's been such an emotional roller coaster.

I am sitting here in his room watching him sleep. Have to get home soon because I have to take our 5 year old to s school in the morning. Our older kids help out but our 20 year old son still doesn't have his driver's license yet (I know, the younger generation baffles me too - I couldn't wait to drive). Earlier his BP dropped to like 79/40 and they said it's probably from his normal sedation combined with the sedation still in his system from when he had the trach put in earlier. They gave him medicine to raise his BP and backed off a little on his regular sedation, which finally seems to have worked. He also has had a few times tonight when his breathing got fast, like 40+ respirations per minute. He does that for a couple of minutes and then goes back to normal. That scares me too. His nurse said she thinks it's anxiety and getting used to the trach. I hope that's all it is.

I am so thankful he's still here on one hand - they gave him only 10% chance of survival on the ventilator when we made the decision to intubate - but on the other hand I am scared to death every day that something will go wrong. We have already had some major scares. One night a mucus plug blocked his tube and I watched his sats drop into to 40s while he couldn't breathe. They had to call an ER doctor up because it was like 3 am, and the doctor was able to turn up the PEEP and tidal volume on the machine and get it dislodged and get my husband's sats back up. I remember praying that night and I have through this whole ordeal. I just want him to get better, and am so glad he's still here.

Thanks for letting me vent here. Sometimes when I'm a nervous wreck it helps to get things in writing. I've missed everyone here. I do check in from time to time and read the updates, just haven't posted in awhile. Ready for life to be boring for once!
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Sissisu, I went through a similar issue with my sister who was the primary on our moms DOA. My sis had health issues, I acknowledge that, she was still working only 4 hours a day while I was working 40 hours a week. Sis dumped everything on me

I was doing all the care for our mother. I worked retail which meant I had 2 days off in the middle of the week while my sis was working 12:00pm -4:00pm, she had the weekends off. She refused to come to town on the weekend to give me a break. She lives 40 miles away. We had placed our mother in a facility that specializes in Dementia care. They were wonderful. The problem was my sister.

as our mother progressed, I was running to give her medication at the same time each day, on my days off, I was cooking food and packing in it up for mom to reheat. The reason I did this was my mom’s DPA was written as a springing legal agreement. It means my sister nor I could take over her medical and financial affairs until she was legally diagnosed as mentally incompetent. I was running full steam 7 days a week with no help. This continued u til my mother was diagnosed as mentally incompetent.

once we placed our mother, my sister was still not available. She did not become available until the last year of our mother’s life. When she did, she took over everything, she would not inform me of what was going on with our mother’s health. I had to step back in when our mother was not eating well. I was second on the DPA, questions were not being answered so I stepped in and took my mom to her private dr.

Her dr put her on an appetite increasing drug. It did not work. My sis and I did not know or realize our mom was slowly shutting down. Because I stepped in taking control of our moms health, they called me one morning, her feet and hands were very red indicating organ failure. I called off work, went to the facility. My mom was in the dinning room and the RN took me in to see her. I made eye contact with my mother, she looked right through me.,.,no recognition yet her head fo.lowed my voice. I told them I wanted her in bed Immediately.

after my mother passed, I had to fight my sister to buy her a new dress, under garments for her memorial. I should not have had to do that, it should have been a normal, given thing to do. It only got worse from there. Y mother passed in 2016. My sis and I did not talk until June 4 2018, her oldest daughter committed suicide. We have made amends and are talking again.

my point is that I still have times when my anger against my sister rises and today is on of those days; I am here to provide support and I know that is where I’m suppose to be.
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Sissisu,

You said, "Nope. Not engaging as I don’t want an argument. A friend of hers a few years back emailed me and said she couldn’t deal with her calls anymore; she had her own serious medical issues but mom would cry and insist how bad her life was. She suggested mom get psych help but knew it was probably something she would not do. So now I get those calls. Visits are pure hell. I am at a loss as to my next move. I even thought of applying for a job transfer to another part of the country where driving to her home wasn’t feasible. I hope everyone is doing well. So thankful for this forum."

Gosh that is crazy-rough. Nobody needs to put up with that kind of treatment. I hope you'll check out outofthefog.net - lots of helpful stuff there for dealing with difficult parents. Sounds like you're letting calls go straight to VM which is hard to listen to, but she'll wear down eventually. Bless you and take care of yourself.
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Thanks Send. I have never suspected bipolar as never seen the lows but interesting... I will play a bit more detective I think.

Obviously I am not a doctor or specialist, just concerned + I have found I am avoiding phone calls & visits as just too much/too hard to communicate. Must leave people isolated 😔
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Beatty,
Arriving late to the conversation about excessive talking.

Beatty
Jul 18, 2021
Hey does anyone know the name for 'excessive talking'?

Overheard a psychiatrist on the phone to the hospital about a patient:
"She is rather difficult to interrupt with mild pressure".
The patient had bipolar.
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Sissisu, I hear New Zealand is nice. I saw an episode of House Hunters Int'l where a lady & her dog just packed up & moved there. 🌳🌴🌊🗻

Seriously, I could not deal with that for 2 mins!

'Grey rock' communication method may be of interest? 'Soft' or 'lite' can be easier to do with relatives you want to or need to be in contact with.
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Smolberding, I can appreciate your frustration. My mom has always been difficult. Since I was a child, like walking on eggshells around her, don’t make her mad! Dad died when I was 12, or as she tells me you were almost 13, should have made you get a job! I have said 13 is a minor and that her providing food and shelter was her basic responsibility as a parent. She’s thrown that response in my face; I try to keep anything personal out of our conversations as she weaponizes even the most trivial things later. Last night she was ranting on the nightly call I have with her. I have such a big house, too much for me to handle! I simply stated her home, a condo, was larger. But you have all those bathrooms (2.5 to her 2) and those stairs. She says it was all an evil plan to buy a two story home, as she can’t do stairs now. She could when I bought my home. Bottom line is that I didn’t go along with her “plan”. She would buy a bigger home and I could live there. No way as it would always be her house her rules. I don’t remember her telling me of this plan, only mentioned it after I bought my home. Her last visit here over 10 years ago was awful. Dug out flower beds, ruined furniture and an appliance, told me everything here was stupid. Never invited back. I live about 170 miles away from her. So last night I had it with the house comment; she’s been needling me for weeks. I blew up said I would just sell my house (with some cursing). She didn’t respond, and I hung up. Been blowing up my phone since, and I haven’t responded. She wanted me to drive there this weekend to put out flower pots with artificial flowers. A round trip of about 8 hours, plus constant complaining. Not happening now. Every message has been a rant filled with insults: rotten child, no good, you have mental problems, you have no friends, if you’d gotten married probably wouldn’t have lasted, your dad would be so ashamed. And she still was thinking I should go there tomorrow. Nope. Not engaging as I don’t want an argument. A friend of hers a few years back emailed me and said she couldn’t deal with her calls anymore; she had her own serious medical issues but mom would cry and insist how bad her life was. She suggested mom get psych help but knew it was probably something she would not do. So now I get those calls. Visits are pure hell. I am at a loss as to my next move. I even thought of applying for a job transfer to another part of the country where driving to her home wasn’t feasible. I hope everyone is doing well. So thankful for this forum.
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