The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing? - AgingCare.com

The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.

The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"

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I just learned this morning that my neightbor who is my age had a stroke in December. The news was shocking and sad. Her husband? was sitting in car infront of my house when I came in and I thought it was a man sitting in passenger and when I turned it was the wife? So I went over to speak because we always exchange information about the grands. Her son and my son were best friends until my nephews cames around and my mother started doing ugly stuff when he road past on his bike. It was almost like a feud and one day she and my mohter were at it and I told her I know how my mother is but I am not going to stand by and watch you hit her or harm her. So we didnt speak for years and one day she came to me and said lets put this behind and I was like sure and admired her for being the bigger person. We always spoke but there lack. Her father was a heavy drinkier and over the years if he asked me for a dollar or two in store I would just give it. Until she came to me fussing that I keep giving her father money. I didnt realize the harm I was doing. He later died. Then the mother came down with a poll wrapped in paper once for my mother. Nothing happened but it was not a nice picture. Then once when the kids were small I let them go to a party in the house two doors from these people. When I the lady I am speaking of approached me and said my nephew spat in her son's face. I told her not to worry I would straighten it out. As I rounded the boys up I have my son and nephew looking for the youngest nephew then see him getting beat up by the son. I send them to go break it up. And I tell her mother she should be ashamed of herself for sending the grandson out to get my nephew. she was hanging out the window telling him to kick his **butt. So when I got home my mother is saying she know I stood there and watched it, its my fault in front of the kids. I was baffeled and upset and had no recourse for someone who would believe I would do such a thing. Not only did she do this type of thing often it was with my son also. I didnt know about narcissism. I was young and a little stronger to let my hurt roll off my back and forgive it. And then years later this woman comes to apologize for something my mother started and say lets be friends again and let things go.

I know I wrote a whole book. But this is the jist of all the feeling that went through me. She and her mother used to make these beautiful huge doll houses for some seller and I would admire her work and ask about them. I have never seen any like that since. But they were to me every little girls dream. I always felt that she didnt know it was my mother instigating things and my mother had something negative to say about it like I started it.

I just feel bad for her, then knowing myself how painful it is to be helpless and unable to do the things we are used to doing. I am just so tired of sadness and hurting. Its like I want to make it go away not just for me but for everyone.
Anyway I know she reads, I have seen her exchange books with another friend who lives on the block. All our children played together. The other friend J and I have been close, and still are even after things that were not nice was going on with her. My cousin who just passed was crazy about her for a minute, thank goodness she didnt fall for him LOL he was the worlds #1 womanizer.

I tend to ramble. I am thinking to give her a few books, a card and a plant. I have lots of books, some I havent read and probably won't. I just want to show some report and love. right after I choke the handyman. :)
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How am I doing? Horrible! I have been arguing with my dad a lot this week. He has several symptoms of dementia, but I am not convinced that all of his behavior can be attributed to that. My one brother that was helping caretake up and left-told dad he was never coming back-and hasn’t been reachable since. That was 2 months ago. Before I did everything except actually live in the house and cook meals. The brother lived with him until he said he wouldn’t do it anymore, but did cook meals. Now I have home care coming in 5 days a week, 3 nights they cook and the other 4 I do. I still go see him every day except Saturday and Sunday which I save for myself and my husband. I do all his medical appointments, fill his med box, get meds, grocery shop, balance his checkbook that he endlessly messes up, ensure he has what he needs, drive him to whatever store he needs to visit etc. The issue has been he is just so mean and doesn’t care. He makes snide remarks about how I don’t really work hard at my job, has called me stupid, dismisses my anger at a second brother that has been verbally abusive and physically threatening to me for a decade, lies a lot etc. Today he said he would be happy if I just showed up everyday, took care of his needs and kept my mouth shut. When I was crying my eyes out telling him how hurtful he is and how his lack of understanding about the one abusive brother makes me feel he was laughing. I don’t want to be anywhere near him now and he couldn’t care less. I know he has always struggled with showing his emotions and I don’t think this presentation is dementia talking. I don’t have any choice but to continue to care for him, but I am so burnt out and tired of feeling like this about my own father. Rant over and thanks!
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Duck, give him a deadline to finish and if he doesn't cut him loose. You can find a more reliable handyman. Maybe find the handyman now, have him finish the work. Then let the other know that you have found someone that will get the work done when you need it. NEVER pay anyone in advance for jobs like this. Always pay by the job, not by the hour. Jobs can linger forever that way.
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Becky my thoughts are truly with you during this time of mourning and loss.
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Sharyn, My thoughts are with you and your brother.

Glad, I am happy for you that things are coming along in your new home. Sounds exciting and energizing.

One dilemma forgot to mention is the problem with the reconstruction of the back shed. Its off from the kitichen and I ask the guy to fix the problem. It had whole in roof, lot of mold and mildew.. So now after two years and he is still not finished with it. (I made downpayment in november 2years ago.) (I bought cabinets from him that he found some where and paid for hime to put them up. Meanwhile the water spots are seen on the floor in 3areas of the floor not the one adjacent to house. and the mold spots are growing daily along with the smell. When I call he says its from the backup from the drain on roof when it rains. Really. Before I left for my trip he was saying he had to check and see if the drain pipe had a leak. I am really pissed off. I still owe him 500 and I am so tempted to tell him forget it I will find someone else. Only he is my go to person in an emergency. Any suggestions on how to handle this would be great. Last I called he say a little harshly I told you its coming from the drain, did you go up there and check the drain. I say no. Then he asks if I have any more questions.

I was not happy with him before about some work he had done previosuly and I was to fast in giving him the deposit. I appreciate any help.
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Welcome susanNH you have come to a great place with lots of ears. Vent and vent away.

Well, house drywall supposed to be finished today. Will check tomorrow. Start of stucco today. Now it seems it is taking so long. Waiting and more waiting.
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Becky, I imagine that today is very busy, with funeral arrangements, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, and hope that your family is rallying around you, and being very supportive of one another too! Try to get some rest in here and there, and remember that this part doesn't need to be rushed. If services are put off for a week or more to allow for family and friends, allow that to happen, it's all about the ones left behind, and helping them and you to grieve now, and to celebrate PJ's life.

Don't make any rash decisions in the coming weeks, just take care of yourself and the family. Again, I am so sorry for your loss! Take Care!
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The title of this group called me...my family is dysfunctional, but I've always pretended it wasn't. And now IAM the primary caretaker. It's hard. My dad is quite abusive to me, at times. My mom died last year, and she was who I was close to. My family appeared so normal..but we weren't. My parents never touched or hugged me, since I was 5..but yet I still felt comfortable, and a bit too close to my mom. She died last year. I'm now caretaker for my dad..but from afar. I convinced them to move to independent care facility last year. I get no joy..he screams out of the blue at me..gets mad...but then really appreciates me, when he needs me. When he feels his ol self, he's a bit intolerable. So..I've backed off. I couldn't back off when mom was alive as she needed me..she couldn't really be alone. Now it's just dad..who has morals that are questionable, never ever did anything with or for me..except clothe and feed me. My life was good.. materialistically. But I never had a bond with him. That all..just venting. I could sing, 'the cats in the cradle'...that song was very appropriate..my dad has no clue, that we do not have a bond. Oh, he and my mom never touched either..ever...odd...but observers thought we all were a great family.
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Sharyn, I hope this latest treatment helps your brother. My uncle was in a medically induced coma for two weeks with pulmonary fibrosis. He came out of it fine. I hope this resolves his problem allowing him to heal and get back to his family.
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The drs have put my brother in a medical coma so his brain and body can rest while they reduce the meds every 4-6 hours. This process will take about 3-4 days. I am getting concerned he may not get to wake. I pray these seizures stop as they reduce the meds.
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