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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.

The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"

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🥰 more words of wisdom for today…

There are two major reasons why you should avoid toxic/dysfunctional people: health and happiness.
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more words of wisdom for today:

🥰
"If you don't make the time
to work on creating the life you want,
you're eventually going to be forced
to spend a lot of time dealing with a life you don't want."
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Very encouraging words of wisdom, thank you very much
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today’s words of wisdom:
🌟❄️🌟❄️🌟

🥰
“People who come from dysfunctional families aren’t destined for a dysfunctional life.”
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dysfunctional quote…
😉🙂

“I don’t always manipulate, lie and gaslight.
But when I do, it’s your fault.”
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Thank you all for kind words and supportive messages.

I absolutely love and enjoy caring for MIL. I get down sometimes when I hear people tell me to just to put her in a home. I suppose if it comes to that I will consider it, but right now I can't bear the thought of it.

I do not have any prior experience as a CNA or Caregiver so I appreciate all the helpful suggestions.
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(((((Louise))) It's hard watching a loved one decline. We see reports of relatives surfacing once money/assets may become available.
I'm glad your husband is the beneficiary. Don't put up with anyone's bullying. Bless you for caring for MIL so well. Yes, it is sad.
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My dear MIL is slowly declining. My husband and I care for her daily.

I am deeply saddened by relatives who are now coming out of woodwork telling us we need to sell the property (my husband is listed on the title as the befeciary upon her death). And they want their "share".

We haven't even seen him in years.
He doesn't call to see how she is doing on a quarterly or even bi-annual basis.

My husband and I uprooted our lives to care for her, put a new home on the property, which we help pay for. We cleaned up the property and have been providing 24 hr live in care for her. She is now suffering with end stage dementia.

Its just sad.
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🥰 words of wisdom…

“Today, whatever is good for your soul, do that.”
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hello everyone! i’ve posted this before, but i like it:

🥰 here are some cute, wise words for today...

"I didn't realize who I was
until I stopped being who I wasn't."
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Annie - how are you doing? I was a senior looking after a senior too. It isn't easy

boj - good ones, as always

Paul - no doubt your life is challenging, looking after your mom and yourself. I'm sorry you were denied medicaid,

yoda - that's quite a list of ailments! You have my condolences. One day at a time!

lostdaughter - what you describe certainly fits under dysfunctional families. My mother was mentally ill and we were brought up with strange biases too. My father died a long time ago. When I was caring for my mother, my sis did nothing to help but criticized what I was doing. I didn't expect her to help look after mother as historically she had never been helpful, so I didn't have any anger or recommitment about that. I was OK as long as she didn't interfere in a negative way. She did a couple of times and I cut communication down to a minimum.

It seems pretty common from what we read here, that one child gets the brunt of the caregiving, not that that is fair. However, it is your sister's choice to make for whatever reason. I could tell horror stories about my mother too, but I still made sure she had the care she needed as she aged. I did it from a distance and she went into an ALF then an NH. I couldn't have done hands on care.

If you can, accepting your sister's choice, and lowering your expectations of her will give you peace over this. And get as much help as you can to make your burden easier.

I don't know what your situation is, but please look for options so that you have more of a life for yourself. ((((hugs))))
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I think this is an excellent topic. I’m not sure if this is what you meant by this but part of my dysfunctional family was a mother who when we were teens convinced my sister my father didn’t love her and loved me better. This was absolutely not true and my father was a good fair parent to all his children. My mother was not well mentally. Fast forward almost 40 years and my mother has passed and my father now has alzheimer’s and needs 24 hour care. My sister is now using the lies my mother told her as an excuse not to contribute any time caring for my father. It’s 100% on me. She still acts in all other ways like he’s her father. I’m so resentful of her. I have no life and she continues to live and function normally like she doesn’t owe him anything. How do others in a similar situation where their family members aren’t helping deal with this anger and resentment?
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One more and likely last update.

Basically and realistically, my more complicated health journey is going to be a matter of the right self-care for the best symptom care or maybe even symptom delay for there are nor cures for narcolepsy, vascular parkinsonism, DDD, DISH back disease, mild neurocognitive disorder, not even a medicine like insulin for diabetes. Not complaining or looking for sympathy, just the facts for this is the way it is for me on this 13 day of November, 2025. I hope you all are doing as well as possible. Seek to continue onward with detached compassion in order to maintain one's own energy and what well being one has left. Nite!
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😉

a narc's attitude:
"I got 99 problems and you are all of them."
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I’m still hanging in there. My Mom is 93 years old going on 94 on Christmas Eve. She hasn’t been out of the apartment and it will be a year on Thanksgiving. My older half Sister got her to take a shower over 2 weeks ago. My Mom still shadows me with Hello Paul when I’m in my room and she’s hard of hearing. I don’t bother shouting so I get up and see her on the sofa with Fox News on the TV. The dementia is worse than it was 5 years ago. She drinks vodka and port wine every day. She eats well. She tells me she’s dying more often than not. She’s physically healthy but not mentally. She’s had incontinence for over a year and doesn’t wear diapers. She did but that was about 5 years ago. Looks as though I am not getting my social security disability benefits because I would have the same ALJ that denied me June of last year on the phone with my Lawyer and a Doctor. I was told to reapply for them by my Lawyer and I don’t really want to. I got turned down for Medicaid because I live with my Mom apparently. I can’t get Medicare. I don’t recommend Caregiving. It might just take your life. Hopefully by the grace of God it won’t take mine. I thank God for being alive and for what I have. I do count my blessings. I know things could be worse and that’s what I try and convey to my Mom. She’s got a very good dog named Dobie. We’ve had him since March 2021. So I’m alright.
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🥰 today’s words of wisdom from me:

🙂
“If speaking kindly to plants helps them grow. Imagine what speaking kindly to yourself can do.”
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🥰 today’s words of wisdom:
(just kidding)

🙂
"Kill your enemies with kindness. Name your car kindness."
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Caregiving by itself depends on different dynamics, The support circle around you, is that diminishing or changing. When political decisions affect programs that help support the elderly are being affected it really is the outer circle that helps to secure care or to make things more insecure. That is the dysfunction that I am facing now as an elder taking care of another elder. I wonder how we will be alright in the coming months and years. Programs that make all the difference now being shattered is like a false bottom floor, with zero supports. We need to be there for each other and yet who is there for us? if not us. I try to be there for myself by identifying what will create the best dynamic for the day. How to affect change in my own life and create the best quality of life for both me and the person I care for. We are truly not alone and need one another. Hope is a form of coping. I wish you all hope and better days ahead.
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bingocat - Agreed. Set boundaries. Develop your own life. Don't be a slave to someone else. Your life is important too.

BOJ - good one

casole - perhaps more importantly, did you learn something from it?. Instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, do something interesting/beneficial to you. Plan anther cruise maybe? You can have the orange outfit!!! 💃 lol ((((((hugs))))
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My therapist suggested to me that I watch this old Alfred Hitchcock episode called "Coming Mama" (yes it's as disturbing as it sounds) 11 minutes, can be found on YouTube.

Worth the watch tho it may be upsetting (fair warning)
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🥰 today’s words of wisdom:

“When life gets tough and you’re faced with defeat,

remember somewhere in the world a flower is popping through some concrete.”
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Bob, I am married, and my MIL is willing to upend my life and marriage to save herself from pancreatic cancer, which has spread to her liver. I have four children, and she thinks my husband should drive her 3-5 hours away for a clinical trial since her treatments are no longer working. She is 80. The reality is there is no saving her. I was told to transport her, which has been an issue, and SHE is a full-time job. I have been close to asking for a divorce because our lives revolve around her. You sound young. Live your life. Pursue your dreams. Go on a date! Go hang out with friends. This is not honoring your parents when you are suffering yourself. They can make choices that don’t ruin you. They choose not to.
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🥰 many of us on this forum are empathetic people.

here’s a quote for us:

😉
Empaths be like:
"I got 99 problems
but 89 of them belong to other people."
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🥰 words of wisdom...

"Just because today (or last week, or last month...) is terrible doesn’t mean tomorrow won’t be the best day of your life. You just have to get there."
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here’s a funny quote to say to someone dysfunctional/toxic:

🥰
“If I promise to miss you,
will you go away?”
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Hothouse and Golden,

Thanks. I think they both knew I was on my last nerve bc Dad called me later to see if I wanted to come over there later than I usually do today (Yes) and said "thank you for everything" when I dropped off his prescription last night. And mom called to tell me she forgot to tell me how nice my haircut looked.

Because mentally I had gotten to the point if you're going to treat me like a hired CNA that's what I'm going to act like and not be emotionally involved with you people!!

Thanks for the support.
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casole, I get it. I've been there. My parents did not know how good they had it and expressed no appreciation. Dealing with two people's needs is very stressful. It was an awful time.
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(((((casole))) Oh, my. I would be tempted to haul myself out of that too. They definitely have no idea!
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Today I was told to watch my facial expressions i.e. not make a face when he (dad) does something outrageous like yell at the the laundry or the answering machine. So I guess I won't speak, blink, smile or frown. Maybe I'll get some botox and kill two birds with one stone. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Soooo close to just telling them to hire someone and walking away. They have no effing idea how good they have it. Both of them. Tired.
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Bob,

Order or pick up a pack of womens depends. Open the pack. Leave 3 or 4 on table next to her bed and leave 3 sitting out in the bathroom.

No need to say anything. Just have them available and she can choose to use them if she wants when you are out.

Go visit friends, see a movie, go to church etc. You are entitled to a life.
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