Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!

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I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)

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Smoking will kill you...
Bacon will kill you...
But,smoking bacon will cure it.
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Birdie birdie in the sky -
you put whitewash in my eye
I'm a big girl, I won't cry
but I'm sure glad that cows don't fly
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Don't be sad when a bird poops on your head.

Be happy that dogs can't fly.
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Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons.

They forgot to mention Morons.
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I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
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Yes, that was Emo :)
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That was the wonderfully weird Emo Philips, wasn't it, FM? Brilliant tangents he went off on, I remember him fondly.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
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When I was a girl, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
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Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
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