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I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)

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OH Buzzy that is so funny, we were out 4 wheeling and I saw my 1st ever in person dung beetle, then this joke comes up. Seriously, no crap!
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A Dung beetle walks into a bar and says,
"Is this stool taken?"
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Isthisreallyreal: YouTube. I searched for *beeeep* giving a *beeep* pill to a Beeeep* cat *beeeeeeep*. That didn't work, and I tried just "pills" and "cats"
- get the cat on your arms like a baby
- press the sides of his mouth, so he opens it
- throw the pill in
- tickle his nose, he will have no choice but swallow.

Worked like a charm.

Funny thing is, I thought the cream would be more difficult, since I would be touching a hurt area, but he accepted it well. Maybe the medicine was painkiller. However:
Vet: "to avoid the cat licking the cream, play with him for three-to-five minutes, letting the medicine dry.
Very smart me used his hands to play with the cat. Ouch-ouch-ouch.
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I put my phone in Airplane mode and now it calls me Shirley.
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What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people


P.S. I crushed the pills and sprinkled on their food then popped a little more food on top. :)
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My German shepherd would do the same thing, I even melted the cheese and the refrigerated it, nope, cheese gone, pill stuck to the floor.

I ended up poking it down her throat.

How did you win?
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Ok, an anedocte that happened to me in the end of last year. I decided to spend my vacations with my parents. My mother has several health and mobility issues, so I thought I could take my laptop and do some work.
So I was there, caregiver of my mother.
BUT my sister-in-law got a temporary job and started leaving her two daughters at my parents house, two angels of six and four years.
So I was there, caregiver of my mother and sitter of two girls.
I promisse all those barbies and nail polish didn't hurt my masculinity.
A week laker, the cat appeared with a leg injuried. Rush to the vet, she said not to worry, he just fought another cat or dog.
"Here, twice a day give him these pills and aply this cream."
So I was there, caregiver of my mother, sitter of two girls and nurse of a cat.
Do you think I got any work done?
A coda:
I asked the vet how could I give pill to the cat. She said it was easy, Just mix with a food he likes, and he will swallow it.
I got a small strip of ham and wrapped up the pill on it.
The *beeeeppp* pet unwrapped it, ate the ham and left the pill.
I was all "Oh, yeah? You ancestors were licking their butts, mine were discovering the fire. You're still licking your butt. Let's see who wins."
I got a tiny chunk of cheese, bury the pill inside it, gave to the cat.
"Unwrap it now, you freak."
He ate around the pill.
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I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead
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No jokes from me...apparently I'm not that creative! But laughing like crazy reading yours!
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I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting in my nose
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To get rid of unwanted junk this holiday season, simply put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.
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A man says to his new girlfriend: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
"Well," she replies, "You succeeded."
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Q: Why did the leprechaun wear two condoms?
A: To be sure, to be sure



Say it with an Irish accent. :)
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Heavy rains and floods were forecast and everyone in town was preparing to evacuate except Joe. Joe's neighbor had his car packed and was leaving. "Joe," he said, "You better get out of here. This whole place is going to be flooded!" 
"No," Joe said. "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
So the neighbor drove off and the rain started and soon the first floor of Joe's house was underwater. Two men in a rowboat saw Joe in a second story window and rowed over. "Mister, you better come with us or you'll be drowned. There's room for one more in our boat."
"No," Joe said.  "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
The men rowed away and it rained even harder, and before long the second floor of Joe's house was underwater.   Joe was sitting on the roof when a Coast Guard rescue ship approached him. "Come on, Mister," the captain yelled, "Get on board or you'll be killed by the floodwaters!"  
"No," Joe said.  "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
The Coast Guard left, and the rain continued to pour down until the only thing left visible above water was Joe straddling the chimney. A helicopter hovered down and dropped a rope ladder. "Come on, buddy, climb up to safety.  It's your last chance!"
"No," Joe said.  "I trust in the Lord. He will not abandon me."
 The helicopter flew off, and the rain continued to fall and Joe and his house were completely consumed by the deluge. The house washed away and Joe drowned.
As he stood before the Lord he said, "Lord, I trusted in you and yet you let me drown! Why?"
"Well," said the Lord, "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?"
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"I gave up jogging for health reasons.
My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."
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An elderly couple goes to their favourite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.

When the lady goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments, “Wow, you have an amazing relationship with your wife, all those lovely names you call her…”
 
The man looks at him, “To be honest, it has become a necessity. I actually forgot her name about 3 years ago.”

Read more funny jokes: https://short-funny.com/marriage-wife-husband-jokes-3.php#ixzz5WXYxmV1F
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My new liquid diet is fantastic, after four glasses of wine I don't care how much I weigh.
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Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?
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After winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on tv. Apparently it's unacceptable in bowling.
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Our monthly newsletter from Sunnybuns Nudist Club ran an article on the elections and reported a clear swing to the right.
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Two ladies talking about their husbands:
One says Ah call my husband "Elephant man" cos he's hung like a big trunk
The other says, well I call my man "Tia Maria",
To which the first replies, Tia Maria? Are you kidding me? Ain't that some kind of fancy liquer.
To which the other replied, it sure is!
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“Honey what do you love most about me? My honed body or my charming face?” 
– 
“Your sense of humour.”
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This is a bit early but hey! So are the shops. lol

There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
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What are the three worst words a person can hear while making love?

"Honey, I'm home"
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My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...
But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".
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A woman needs an Elder Lawyer, so she goes on line and finds the firm of Steinberg, Steinberg, Steinberg and Steinberg. She calls and an old man answers the phone.
"May I speak to Mr. Steinberg, please?" she asks.
"I'm sorry," the old man says, "Mr Steinberg is in court today."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
"Mr Steinberg is playing golf and won't be back until two."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
"Mr Steinberg retired a year ago and is no longer with the firm."
"Then let me speak to Mr Steinberg," she says.
The old man says, "Speaking."
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Two nuns having a bath together to save water.
One asks "Where's the soap?
And the other replied, "It does, doesn't it."

Don't worry my sister told me this one when I was about seven and it took me years to get it! The next one took a long time too!!!!

Two nuns riding a tandem took a short cut down a steep cobbled road.
The one at the front said, "I have never come this way before."
And the one behind her said "Neither have I."
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How does Mario Andretti's mother know which are her son's underwear?


By the skid marks,,,, :-(
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President Trump goes to London to visit the Queen of England.
While they were riding in the Queen's golden carriage, one of the horses was suffering from flatulence and the Trump tried to hold his breath because the smell was terrible. This happened several times and the POTUS was visibly having trouble breathing.
The Queen noticed his discomfort and said " I am most awfully sorry about the unpleasant odor."
To which he replied "No problem your Highness, I thought it was the horses."
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Poor taste warning, read AYOR

A man is out jogging when he stops to pay respects to a funeral procession.
At the front was a man walking a large dog, followed by the hearse and then a lot of people walking in single file.
Intrigued he asked the man with the dog to explain the strange entourage.
Well, said the guy, this is my dog and he killed my mother in law who is in the hearse.
Wow, said the jogger, could you lend me your dog?
Of course, the man replied, but you will have to join the line of people walking behind the hearse and wait for your turn.
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