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I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)

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Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the blazes happened.
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I have a cousin who was walking downtown, once, very hungry. He saw a large mob of people outside a department store.
“What’s going on?” he asked
An employee replied, “These people are waiting to get the new colective Barbie doll.”
He joined the mob. After all, he was hungry, and who can resist a Barbie queue?
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This is a joke NOT real

Dad died because he could not remember his blood type.
His last words were, "Be positive."
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Here is your Wiz-dumb for the New Year....
1) There's no place like Om!
2) Get in touch with your IN-FUN-IT Self.
3) Develop your fool potential.
4) Don't forget how unique and special you are. Without you, there could be no everybody.
5) It is bad luck to be superstitious. Thank your lucky stars you are not.
6) If you are thinking about procrastinating, put it off.
7) Try that refreshing new feeling, called thinking.
May you introduce your mind to your mouth.
8) Appreciate the unique design of the human body. It was designed so that we can neither pat ourselves on the back or kick ourselves in the butt too easily.
9) Remember , too much of a good thing is..............wonderful.
10) Never use big words when diminuitive ones work just fine.
11) Frolic, but do not frog lick. Remember to savor the frog's philosophy of life:
"Time's fun when you're havin flies".
12) Quit while you are in bed.
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Advice for the desperate:

Eat a live toad every day first thing in the morning. Then you can be sure that nothing worse will happen all day!
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How do you call a group of Chess Champions gathering in the hotel lobby for a drink?

"Chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer...."
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My dad, 90 years old and primary caretaker of my mom, 87 years old w/mild dementia, said to me yesterday, "Well, your mother finally admitted why she keeps asking me the same questions over and over." Why? "Because she just likes to bug me!" Funny...but funnier still if you knew my mom :)
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People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a good electrician.
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I was not aware that Koalas are not actually "bears". Apparently they don't have the right "koalafications" - courtesy of my 10 year old.
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There were some days that just went into the next day when I was living out of state with my late mother that I was so tired that I laughed at nothing...or anything. I must have looked like a fool because I never sat down for a meal...just ate while running past my dinner. 😆😆
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Read these again. And let's all ask ourselves. What the heck is wrong with us?The answer is NOTHING? It's the rest of the world that has the problems. We're just a group of normal people. Hanging out and sharing ideas, concerns, advice, concepts. Figuring it out. Day to day. Laughing it up as best we can!!!
About engineers, lawyers, Ninja dogs and bananas. Really. Where else can you find that!!!
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Let me push the boundaries a bit

Worried about the burglary News on the neighborhood, the woman decides to buy a watchdog.
He went to a breeder, looked at some fierce Doberman. Asked for the price.
“1000, said the breeder.”
“No, I can’t spend that much. What else you have?”
“We have German shepherds, for 700.”
“No, we are on a tight budget. Do you have anything else?”
“Well... come with me”
They went to a hidden spot, where they saw a thin mutt, with a sad face.
“I will make that for 500.”
“But how will he protect my house? He can barely stand.”
“Oh, he’s a Ninja Dog.”
“Ninja Dog?”
“Let me show you.” The breeder looked at a trash pile nerby “Ninja Dog, my tire!”
And the dog, like a hurricane, slashed the tire to threads in seconds.”
“Ninja Dog, my chair!”
And on a bater of na eye, the old chair was turned on sawdust by the beast. Impressed, the woman took the Ninja Dog home.
Her husband was not happy.
“You spent 500 on that mutt? Are you crazy? The burglars would just laugh at him!”
“But, honey, he is a Ninja Dog.”
“What?! Ninja Dog, my ass!”
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I'm a lawyer by original trade, and my husband is an engineer. So this was a contentious joke:

An Engineer dies... and goes to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building
improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he
should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to
Heaven. Send him up here! "
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan says, ‘Go ahead. Where are you going to find a Lawyer?
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Why did the banana go to the Dr.?


Because, he wasn't peeling well. :)
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I'm starting a petition to have Barbara Walters do the New Year's Eve ball drop announcement this year, just so I can hear her say, "I'm Barbara Walters and this is 2020."
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Question why New Year's Day is the holiday, when the celebration happens on New Year's Eve? We should rename New Year's Day as Hangover Day!
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Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Blighters.
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My current favorite "dad joke" that I use to torment my kids:

Kermit the Frog goes into the bank to ask for a loan, and is assigned loan officer Patricia Wack. She asks him about his qualifications for a loan, and he says, well, my father is Mick Jagger, and I have these as collateral, pulling out some little figurines out of his pocket.  Patricia calls over her supervisor, telling him that Kermit the Frog wants a loan, but doesn't qualify.

The loan officer looks at her angrily and says (get ready for it):

"That's a knickknack Patty Wack!  Give the frog a loan!  His old man's a Rolling Stone!!"
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How we elected to spend New Year’s Eve depended on: 
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
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I finally got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts. I'm not gonna lie, it was a rocky road.
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A Happy 2019 New year to you all.
I wish for you, all that you need and able to use all that you get.
Buzzy x x
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This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep.
No dieting all year long.
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My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full
with either...........rum,.............. vodka, or............ whiskey. lol
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To kick start my New Year: I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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Smeshque: Thanks.
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ooo
Starting my New Year ones. $(*.*)$ (Me with earrings. lol

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
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LL
Type this or copy and paste this in the search
'My grandfather's annual sundowning episode is coming tonight

And you will find it
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Margaret: I didn't find that post you mentioned-you wrote "from newandtrying."
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Friends, you have to look at the post from 'newandtrying' on 24th entitled 'My grandfather's annual sundowning episode is coming tonight'. It's too good not to be here!
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A morning after joke:

Why did they find the elf, out of it with his head in the fireplace, the morning after Christmas?

Because he was so tired, he wanted to sleep like a log.
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