I'm writing this discussion in hopes of helping others. I have seen many posts in the forum lately about caregivers feeling burned out and about the negative treatment of caregivers from the person they are caring for. I will not retell my story. If you have not read about my story, please read my profile and etc. But in short, I was my dad's caregiver for over 20 years after my mom passed away. I did not live with him, but my daughter and I did all the cleaning and washing for him. As time went on, his health started to decline a few years ago and I began to also do all grocery shopping, taking to the doctor, paying bills and etc. Just to back up a little, my dad and I always had a strained relationship. He mistreated my mom and I and even admitted a few years ago that he had an affair, His mistreatment did not end when I became grown, it continued. But being the kind of person Iam, I did not walk away. Trying to care for a person who mistreats you, is hard but I did. I wish that I had set boundaries years ago. He is now in a facility but because of the way he treated me, I do not know how to enjoy life. This is because he raised me to believe that is wrong to enjoy yourself. Now here Iam in my 50's and I feel like life is over for me but I keep going and it is hard. I made so many wrong decisions because I was afraid of him... decisions that have negatively affected my life and well being. For those of you trying to care for a parent that was abusive to you whether verbally or physically, please do not sacrifice your own well being. This forum has helped me so much and also counseling. If it were not for the forum and counseling, I probably would have caved in and quit. my job, sold my home and moved in with him but I developed the strength to say no. But that was his plan for me to soley take care of him. Do not feel guilty if you have to place them in a facility. That is taking care of them! Even with all the mistreatment, I still feel sorry for him because of his condition but as this forum has said many times, we do not make them old and it is not our fault that they have health issues. Hang in there and do what you need to do take care of yourself.
You are correct! I try to process things now and I did not before. I love to work in my yard and it is a stress reliever for me and I will also go and get a favorite snack and just sit in the quietness without the television and etc. Working on yourself mentally is hard work but it is worth it to find yourself again. Also. I'm sure hoping to take a vacation soon because I NEED it!!!
I agree! It is a form of abuse. Emotional abuse has a deep, deep, deep affect on people. It takes therapy and the help of forums like this to survive! I have also discovered that over the years I never allowed myself time to process anything that was hurtful to me. I just kept moving.. trying to be there for everyone but myself and like you, I did not realize what was going on until I grew up... really did not realize until I joined this forum and was able to connect with people experiencing the same thing.
I read your comment to me and it may very well be that your father enjoys seeing you angry and upset. This is a form of abuse. My mother enjoys seeing me angry and upset. This has been a fact since I was a little kid. Only I didn't know what was going on until I grew up and went to therapy. It is for this reason that I have to be very careful when I am in her presence (or on the phone with her) not to allow myself to be triggered. I think this could be true for you too.
I posted a couple days ago about leaving her at her doctor's office. She was warned not to start (and she knows what this means) or I would leave her there and she'd be getting an uber home. The snideness started the minute she got in the car. I dropped her off, explained to the office staff, then got in the car and drove away. When the appointment was over the medical assistant called me and I sent an uber. Of course, she was hysterical leaving me messages begging to pick her up because she's afraid of ubers. I did not take her calls and deleted her messages. She got no response from me.
I don't play these games anymore and I am very pleased to see that you don't either.
Sure, it's going to take you some time to get out of your own head. You will have feelings of guilt, regret, anger, and sadness. Everyone has these feelings and you will process them and get on with your life. Good for you. Stay strong but more importantly, be patient with yourself.
Do what works for you, feel the emotions, then let them go....
What you are going through is all part of healing.
I would also advise, if possible to take a vacation.
Thank you! I'm trying hard to let go of the regrets and I'm sure trying change things now. I just want to enjoy my life.
You are doing great setting and keeping boundaries, well done!
This is not the first time he has said this. But I will not engage any longer. His mistreatment has been going on since I was child. As I said when I started this discussion, I regret not taking charge of my life years ago which is why I'm trying to help others not make the same mistake.
I would encourage you to minimize your contact with him. He obviously enjoys upsetting you. So don't give him the satisfaction.
He is definitely where he needs to be. For example, he just became very upset with me over the phone. He gets upset when I do not agree with him. He basically told me that I do not have any common sense and then when I take up for myself, he says I'm mistreating him. He even said now his head hurts because of me.
To others who deal with parents who mistreat you, remember that it is not your fault. Protect your peace! It is like he enjoys seeing me upset. I'm so nervous that I was almost thinking of going to the ER.
Of course a part of you feels sorry for your father. You're a human being with empathy and compassion. A part of me feels sorry for my mother too. Not sorry enough that I will move her in with me and become a care slave. People will so often beat themselves up and go on a self-induced guilt trip if they can't make their parents' old age a happy and fulfilling time. Even those of us who had selfish, narcissistic parents feel a bit of that too. We still set unrealistic expectations for ourselves that we're somehow supposed to have the ability to turn our homes (or our parents homes) into a geriatric Disneyland where our elders are never bored and are endlessly catered to in every way no matter how great their care needs are or how nasty their behavior towards us is. We're also supposed to earn money at the same so we cost them nothing and can also cater to them financially as well.
Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregivers terms and not the care recipient's.
It's okay to say no and not explain yourself. It's okay to walk away from a caregiving situation and let others (homecare or LTC) take over. I can't even tell you how many times I will get a call from a frazzled family caregiver who is so burnt out that they're near a nervous breakdown yet are still trying to micromanage every aspect of their parent's need out of guilt and conditioning.
Know what I tell them? I tell them that they called us because they need help. They have to let go and let me and my people take over. Many struggle to do this.
@Drivingdaisy
Good for you too telling your mother she has three other children. It doesn't have to all be on you. It doesn't have to all be 100 percent on any one person.
Nursing homes, memory care, assisted living facilities, board and care homes, homecare, etc... stay in business because there's a need for them. No one should ever have a moment of guilt for needing to use one.
As far as people seeing the truth, some will, some will but never admit it because, that would be admitting they were wrong. Many have a hard time doing that.
I would also like caution others who are struggling with caregiving that your parent of whoever you are caring for will also have others thinking negative of you. But just be patient because one day they will see the truth. There are people that have mistreated me because of things he said but now they see the truth.
Then yesterday she started again, I told her she has 3 other kids.
I understand what you are feeling now, a little mad at yourself, mad at life. I call it I felt, bamboozled. That feeling will get better. Even though you wish you learned sooner, better now than never. Be kind to yourself, be your own best friend.
I'm trying my best to make up for lost time.I just wish I had known what I know now about a lot of thiings but all I can do is pray and move forward!
Make it count while you can!
I hate that it took me a long time to learn to say no. I thought I was not supposed to if was family. You are right. It is hard sometimes to say no to family members but then we have to ask ourselves if it is best for us. I admit that alot of it is my own fault for allowing myself to be a"never say no" person but it was how I was raised.
Yes that was a big childhood message to me too, via family, church & society.
I feel this message failed me. It was a message of servitude. It left me open to being bullied.
When bullied as a child, adults told me to '"Turn the other cheek". (What's that even mean? Get slapped & be happy to get slapped again?)
Thank goodness for my sensible Aunt. She said "Nonsense. Stand up for yourself. Tell that bully to stop it & get lost."
Since then I have found many times I have had to do say *stop* in one way or another. In ways I never imagined.. the hardest being to closest family members & say "No, I won't do that".
Thankyou FB for this topic 💕💪
You are correct. I did try to fill my mom's shoes and it cost me a lot of missed opportunities. It all goes back to the way I was raised, lacking self confidence which made me think that I had to please others before myself. I hope that others will take my advice because it can really, really affect you in so many ways when do not set boundaries.
This should be a cautionary tale for anyone that is thinking of taking care of an able bodied parent. It's not healthy in any way, shape or form.