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I'm writing this discussion in hopes of helping others. I have seen many posts in the forum lately about caregivers feeling burned out and about the negative treatment of caregivers from the person they are caring for. I will not retell my story. If you have not read about my story, please read my profile and etc. But in short, I was my dad's caregiver for over 20 years after my mom passed away. I did not live with him, but my daughter and I did all the cleaning and washing for him. As time went on, his health started to decline a few years ago and I began to also do all grocery shopping, taking to the doctor, paying bills and etc. Just to back up a little, my dad and I always had a strained relationship. He mistreated my mom and I and even admitted a few years ago that he had an affair, His mistreatment did not end when I became grown, it continued. But being the kind of person Iam, I did not walk away. Trying to care for a person who mistreats you, is hard but I did. I wish that I had set boundaries years ago. He is now in a facility but because of the way he treated me, I do not know how to enjoy life. This is because he raised me to believe that is wrong to enjoy yourself. Now here Iam in my 50's and I feel like life is over for me but I keep going and it is hard. I made so many wrong decisions because I was afraid of him... decisions that have negatively affected my life and well being. For those of you trying to care for a parent that was abusive to you whether verbally or physically, please do not sacrifice your own well being. This forum has helped me so much and also counseling. If it were not for the forum and counseling, I probably would have caved in and quit. my job, sold my home and moved in with him but I developed the strength to say no. But that was his plan for me to soley take care of him. Do not feel guilty if you have to place them in a facility. That is taking care of them! Even with all the mistreatment, I still feel sorry for him because of his condition but as this forum has said many times, we do not make them old and it is not our fault that they have health issues. Hang in there and do what you need to do take care of yourself.

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Drivingdaisy, Yes we have!!!
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Faithful, you and me have came a long ways!!!! 💞
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Drivingdaisy, Yes we have to pull away for awhile because it can be debilitating. I have learned that I have to protect my mental health at all costs. I use to think if someone is family, you have to tolerate misbehavior but I have found this to be unhealthy and not heroic.
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Faithful, I agree, you can only do as much, when you feel it's starting to affect your mental health, you pull away for a while, and regroup, and if you feel you want to or you feel you can you go again, or not, but every time I feel that my family is taking up too much space in my brain , I back off for a while.

It takes time to get to a better place. I strive for peace in my heart, and too keep it there as much as I can.
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Just wanted to add a thought to this discussion.
One of the hardest things about caregiving is when the parent ( who has mistreated you) now starts saying they want you to be happy. They do not realize ( or maybe they do but probably not because of aging) that their behavior over the years has caused you depression and anxiety. You feel sorry for them one minute and then the next you are angry because of what they took from you. I know that we are in charge of our own happiness but when we are emotionally abused as children and even as adults, it is hard. My dad has a pattern. We get along great for awhile then he says or does something to cause issues. Then when I get upset, he accuses me of mistreating him. If anyone else experiences this, my advice to you is limit your time with them. If you do not, you are emotionally scarred for life.
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@sunburst38701,

You did not make your mother old. You can’t fix old . You did not make your mother in need of assisted living . Therefore you are not the reason she may be miserable . Mom’s aging is the reason .
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Another day.. another fall. Another near miss (mild knock to the head).

Another call from the falls alarm co to let me know. This caller was polite - no laid on guilt to attend like a recent one.

I am not the solution.
I cannot help, cannot save, cannot change it.
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Faithful and everyone - Above all, you need to be your own solution.
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Isthisrealllyreal, that is the best , I love that!! 😃 Thanks!! And glad you're still here!! 💕💕
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Daisy, when I am dealing with people that I know are calling me a b!t@# I always agree with them in my head.
Yep - I am;
Beautiful
Intelligent
Talented
Charming
Happy
Yep b!t@# describes me very accurately, thank you very much!

I learned a long time ago, thanks to a dreadful nuclear family, that others opinions do not drive my decisions or create my view of myself. You are doing great with your mom and brother, keep up the good work.
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Faithful, hard to believe, but today I was thinking about the person I am now, to the one I was a year or 2 ago. I am surprisingly greatful for all I've been though. It has made me so strong. I'm greatful for the friends I've had enough courage to finally dump, I am greatful that I've stand up for myself, so many in my family. I am even greatful every time they call me the B word, in there head, as I'm sure there are many!! That word just tells me, I'm doing something right.

Sure there are things, I wish were different, but I've had to learn to accept them.

Just remember this one thing. You are Worthy!!! Worthy to have a good stress-free life.
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@Drivingdaisy,
I look the idea of a Gratitude Journal!
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@sunburst38701,
Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad my message has given you hope. I also said many, many years ago that would not put my parents in a facility. I think that a lot us truly mean that but sometimes it can not be helped. In my case, I could not take care of my father. His needs are too great and I can not handle it mentally. One of the most important things I have read in this forum is when someone said that putting them in facility is taking care of them when you know that you can not. It is definitely hard when there is dysfunction. You said that you did not want to make your mom miserable. I understand this because I feel the same way about my dad but I had to learn that my feelings matter as well. I know you have probably heard of the phrase- "Never set yourself on fire to keep others warm. " That fire you set will eventually burn you out.
As far as programs, many states have programs that if you have insurance, people will come in and help out. Other than that, I would talk your mom and tell her that you think it is a good idea that you all look at assisted living places. Depending on how much her Social Security is, she could use that to help pay for it and her Medicaid if I'm correct. It is hard to take care of someone and work. Please take your life back because life goes by fast and we just never know. Please let us know what you decide.
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Hi Faithful Beauty, Love the username btw. your message was one of the very first i read just now after finding this website. You do not know how much your words hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm taking care of my mom, going on 5 years, and I also grew up in dysfunctional family. My mom is a control freak, and we are living in my house, I purchase and pay for everything. I do all of the cooking and cleaning. I am also working fulltime and have been for 40 years. I often feel like my life is over, and not my own life anymore. I have a sister, older than me, that is absolutely no help. She never comes to see my mom, she never invites her for the night or weekend to give me a break, and my mom treats my sister better than she does me. I've been trying to figure out what to do. I can't keep doing this any more. I don't want to wake up and have my life having passed me by.

My Mom has no retirement no money and is strictly dependent on medicaid and medicare and social security. I've always said I wouldn't put her in a nursing home because I know how miserable she would be....and I don't think I can live with the idea that I had anything to do with making anyone miserable. I have been trying to figure out how to pay for assisted living. She is in relatively great health, her mind is slipping a little more recently, but otherwise in fine shape.

Does anyone know how and if there are programs, or any advice on what I can do in order to have her either live on her own or in assisted living? We are in Mississippi. I know each state is different. If anyone has any advice on how I can take my life back at the same time, providing a safe environment for mom. I would appreciate any ideas or input. I truly feel trapped.
Thank you for your message you posted. It gives me hope and lets me know I'm not alone. God bless you.
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Faithful, I understand, just try not to let the depression last too long. I'd suggest a gratitude journal. Every morning, write ten things in life you are grateful for. It could be as simple as being greatful for the birds, or flowers. That helps me, different things help different people, nothing is one size fits all, but try it, for a week, see how it goes
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@GSDlover,
Having a tough relationship with a parent does something to you mentally. I still get so depressed at times just thinking about what I have been through. I'm actually scarred for life.
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Yes, many of our parents born in the 1930s and 40s have had it good, at least relative to previous generations, and now they don't want to let go. . Many had a choice of employment, could afford to buy a home and car, foreign holidays, relative peace, one salary was often enough, health care revolution and welfare state, vaccines, antibiotics, transplants, foreign holidays, the list is endless. Many women didnt even need to work!. Now bleating and bemoaning when they've had 90 years!! As another said, they suddenly want contact every day, when they didn't contact their struggling children for weeks. Many of them have been spoiled. Not all of course, I know we can't generalise, and it's certainly different for single people. But the lack of planning and assumptions that children will sacrifice their lives is staggering. We"re seeing it everywhere. Yes we will 'care' in the sense that we'll 'deal' with the main issues, but with boundaries and on our own terms. Am I bitter? Maybe a little, yes! But this forum has made us see the light. Thank you.
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I read so many comments about these parents that expect their grown children to pick up the slack and fix their lack of planning or responsibility. I understand some are situations beyond anyones control, but I swear so many have just flown by the seat of their pants with pensions/SS and giving zero Fs that they will indeed eventually grow old! I told my parents they were not going to get the luxury of just keeling over, modern medicine has made sure of that, so they better plan…and nope! Mom gave me the double finger salute! And here we are😩
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@faithfulbeauty-Your story resonates with me, I too have had (and still do) an abusive relationship with my mother who is now in a SNF. I’m the closest in proximity to her so, the external familial care lies with me. Three siblings, two washed their hands, the other is at a distance. She’s been an awful mother, remains eternally as a 16 year old mentally. She’s always been vindictive, selfish, petty, jealous pitting us three girls against each other, fighting is her comfort zone. I’ve started to block her number so it goes to the blocked mailbox, otherwise she’d call every day. How someone thinks that their child, whom they never before spoke to everyday, all of a sudden is at their disposal is beyond me. I’m GenX, I swear as latchkey kids our parents were the ‘ME’ generation and we were designed to be the fixers/empaths. And you’re right, this forum is a lifesaver!
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@Drivingdaisy,
You are correct! I try to process things now and I did not before. I love to work in my yard and it is a stress reliever for me and I will also go and get a favorite snack and just sit in the quietness without the television and etc. Working on yourself mentally is hard work but it is worth it to find yourself again. Also. I'm sure hoping to take a vacation soon because I NEED it!!!
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@BurntCaregiver,
I agree! It is a form of abuse. Emotional abuse has a deep, deep, deep affect on people. It takes therapy and the help of forums like this to survive! I have also discovered that over the years I never allowed myself time to process anything that was hurtful to me. I just kept moving.. trying to be there for everyone but myself and like you, I did not realize what was going on until I grew up... really did not realize until I joined this forum and was able to connect with people experiencing the same thing.
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@faithfulbeauty

I read your comment to me and it may very well be that your father enjoys seeing you angry and upset. This is a form of abuse. My mother enjoys seeing me angry and upset. This has been a fact since I was a little kid. Only I didn't know what was going on until I grew up and went to therapy. It is for this reason that I have to be very careful when I am in her presence (or on the phone with her) not to allow myself to be triggered. I think this could be true for you too.

I posted a couple days ago about leaving her at her doctor's office. She was warned not to start (and she knows what this means) or I would leave her there and she'd be getting an uber home. The snideness started the minute she got in the car. I dropped her off, explained to the office staff, then got in the car and drove away. When the appointment was over the medical assistant called me and I sent an uber. Of course, she was hysterical leaving me messages begging to pick her up because she's afraid of ubers. I did not take her calls and deleted her messages. She got no response from me.

I don't play these games anymore and I am very pleased to see that you don't either.
Sure, it's going to take you some time to get out of your own head. You will have feelings of guilt, regret, anger, and sadness. Everyone has these feelings and you will process them and get on with your life. Good for you. Stay strong but more importantly, be patient with yourself.
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Faithful, when you start getting mentally healthy, you have to process a lot of deep emotions. Find what works for you. For me I was writing poems, I would have something that was eating away at me, and I couldn't let it go. So I would start a few lines, then clean my house , and process those emotions throughout the day. Then after the poem was finished I truly felt better the next day. It was my therapy. Kind of a poetry journal. Instead of just rambling away ,on paper , for way too long.

Do what works for you, feel the emotions, then let them go....

What you are going through is all part of healing.

I would also advise, if possible to take a vacation.
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Isthisrealyreal,
Thank you! I'm trying hard to let go of the regrets and I'm sure trying change things now. I just want to enjoy my life.
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As someone once said, 'You can't fix old'. You will mend one hole in the bucket and another one will appear? You can't and must not try it alone, if at all.
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Faithful, I pray that you can let go of any regret. Hindsight is a beautiful magnifying glass, you didn't even know what you were trained to be and do, until it was past. You are changing things now you see and know what is what with him, that's nothing to be regretful about. Any regret should be his, which we all know he will never feel, abusers never do.

You are doing great setting and keeping boundaries, well done!
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Faithful, it really does help you, to help others, I found repeatedly telling people, the things you and me learned, really helped me to remember to do those things and not fall backwards. Kinda like practice what you preach.
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Isthisrealyreal,
This is not the first time he has said this. But I will not engage any longer. His mistreatment has been going on since I was child. As I said when I started this discussion, I regret not taking charge of my life years ago which is why I'm trying to help others not make the same mistake.
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FB, maybe he is saying you don't have any common sense because you keep engaging with his bs treatment of you.

I would encourage you to minimize your contact with him. He obviously enjoys upsetting you. So don't give him the satisfaction.
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BurntCaregiver,
He is definitely where he needs to be. For example, he just became very upset with me over the phone. He gets upset when I do not agree with him. He basically told me that I do not have any common sense and then when I take up for myself, he says I'm mistreating him. He even said now his head hurts because of me.
To others who deal with parents who mistreat you, remember that it is not your fault. Protect your peace! It is like he enjoys seeing me upset. I'm so nervous that I was almost thinking of going to the ER.
(2)
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