Only child/90 yr old super-narc mom/guilt tripping from my three adult children.
hello to all, and thank you!I’m brand new here, and this is my first post. Im so grateful for stumbling upon this site!without going into too many specifics right now, my Mom abandoned me in so many ways throughout my life. My dad was basically absentee—busy starting/running his own business. Mom at his side. they divorced when I was 19. I left home around that time, and feeling pressure to the extreme (guilty of course), spent at least two to three days a week going to Mom’s to help her. I got married twice, had three kids, had a wonderful time being a Mom—having learned how to not be a mom who was critical and deserting. The kids loved “Gram”, we all visited a lot. They grew up and went away to live their own lives, and I celebrated that. Meanwhile, I continued going to help Mom. A lot. shes now 90. Fell two years ago, was in rehab/nursing home til this past February (2025). Then she went home! Has a caregiver there free m 8:3O AM to 8:30 PM. (She appointed her sister and niece as the POAs—idk why, they never had been in her life before, and I was originally hurt, but SO GLAD now!)ok. Wrapping this up for now: I haven’t any feelings left. The guilt is gone, and I guess it’s the only reason I spent 50 years helping her.she’s exactly the same as so many elderly Mothers described here. Reading your posts, I felt I’d written most of them! Anyway, my three adult kids, who’ve witnessed the abusive, disrespectful, and ungrateful way she’s treated me…and them, for that matter…have been attacking me for “not supporting Gram”. They live 9,5, and 6 hours away. I live 45 minutes away. Again, I’m only “child”, almost 70. I’m finally letting myself feel ok about her and my relationship. We text a few times daily. Visiting is minimal but is happening occasionally. Her three grandchildren have basically seen her about once a year. Just as I’m getting over her really quite awful behavior towards me (she’s actually been much less horrid recently, to her credit…maybe she’s getting too old), I’m now getting guilt-tripped by my three kids!(who were raised with probably too little boundaries, too much over attention—my problem, I was desperate for them to NEVER feel abandoned or neglected and I now believe went a bit overboard, but oh well—Nobody’s perfect!).I also got the “You’re ALL I HAVE”, and to illustrate how Mom treated me—and I hope that this isn’t going to flip anyone out—as a very little girl, like two, three years old, if I’d climb up in her lap after a bath, she’d push me gf saying “Get your tinklepl**ce off of me!” In a very harsh voice. I remember that very well. She’d take off with my Dad for trips overseas for their new business about 3-4 times a year, for about 3-4 weeks a a time. I would stay with an incredibly wholesome and loving family, thank goodness, but cried so much for my Mom (never for Dad). I’ve been to so many psychiatrists, therapists, counselors since age 15, (when anorexia nearly killed me). im still standing, and this is NOT a pity party. im just wondering how on earth do I deal with the…bullying? Yes, I’d categorize it as bullying, from my three kids?So much for a short post! thank you all so much, and again, I’m so grateful to have found you ❤️
9 Answers
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First of all, I don't think any of this is now or ever was about "guilt". You are smarter than that. You understand that you were abused. I think it was about "seeking approval" from your mom, and now wanting to seek approval from your children. Your mom raised and groomed you for this. You once seem to have broken free of it where Mom is concerned, but you have stepped back into it with your children for some reason that you really need a therapist to help you identity.
The thing to fully understand here is the extreme INAPPROPRIATENESS of the word GUILT. Guilt requires that you have DONE something with MALICE AFORETHOUGHT. And that you refuse to acknowledge your evil ways. That isn't you, is it? It requires also that you refuse to fix those you have harmed to the extent you are able. Again, nope, not you.
The words you continually and habitually tell yourself form a well trod path through your brain. They make of you a martyr and a victim. That is why it's crucial now to change your words out.
You don't feel guilty. You feel grief. You feel grief that your mother had limitations so severe that she couldn't be a decent mom. You feel grief that you waited a lifetime to hear you were good enough, and she loves you, and you never got to hear it. You feel grief that she has lived a life of misery no one can change. And you feel grief now that your children have somehow inherited this tendency toward abuse and you can't fix them or your relationship with them. GRIEF is the appropriate word, and if this isn't worth grieving then what is? Your playing victim to your children's abuse will cause them to lose all respect for you.
I welcome you. When you join a Forum on Social Media you will get the opinions of multiple people. There, among the many suggestions you will find something that works for YOU. Kick the rest of it to the curb (including my own it it's irrelevant.)
So I would run, not walk, to an excellent cognitive therapist. Not one who will sit and listen and collect hundred dollar bills and sympathize, but rather one who will shake your world up like a snow globe, revealing there are paths AWAY FROM abusers.
For now, for today? When the kids call? It is for you to say to them "I don't wish to speak about your grandmother today. Your relationship with her is your own and I respect that. You will have to respect mine as my own and as my own business. Now, tell me how your barbeque at the Benson's house was".
Stop allowing people to play games with your head.
Stop discussing things with others. Clearly they have no answers.
Get help. Make a good and wonderful life with people who RESPECT you.
My heart goes out to you. You don't have to live as the victim of others. Let them trot on off and victimize someone else.
” Gram is abusive . I need to maintain boundaries for my own mental health .
Gram has chosen to live at home and has a caregiver during the day . I am not obligated to be a caregiver and support this decision . Gram could have stayed in the nursing home and receive 24/7 care.
Additionally , legally I am not responsible as Gram has named other relatives as POA. “
My niece became the POA to her mom. We are still not on speaking terms.
At this age, I'm done with transactional relationships. Life is too short.
My suggestion to all is enjoy the time we have left. The time we give away is the time we don't get back.
Ignore your kids, and don't fold to the pressure.
I'd tell my adult kids, "I don't need you to tell me what to do unless I ask for advice, OK?" Nip it in the bud, then change the subject.
And let me say abuse comes in many forms not just physical, or sexual but mental, emotional abuse is just as bad.
Your mother is being cared for for 12 hours a day. You don't say how many days a week that is.
You visit.
You are in contact with her.
You are or have established boundaries that are healthy for you.
Do not let your kids try to "guilt" you into doing more than you are comfortable with.
(see what happens when you need care, how often will they see you, care for you? I bet they will sing a different tune then)
When they call or start in say "I thank you for your concern for grandma maybe you can call or text her."
or "Next time you're in for a visit you can spend some time with grandma, I'm sure she would love that"
But end the conversation with that, if they continue, tell them you have another call or set the oven timer and say you have a cake in the oven you have to take out.
(my husband thanks you too!)
I really needed to hear that. I really did.
At this point, they’re not communicating with me, but now I’ll have some “tools” in my “toolbox”!
You provided me with some great ways of expressing my feelings about the situation. It’s not only WHAT we say…it’s HOW we say it.
Much Gratitude 👍