How do you deal with a spouse that verbally trashes you non-stop for three hours running?

She’s lost her mind and belongs in full time dementia care now. That’s the bottom line.

Ask her doctor to help you deliver the news. Don’t warn wife ahead of time. Have options ready - you go visit some places beforehand and don’t tell wife. Let her scream and yell, berate and blame, but she’s going there anyway.

Be firm. You don’t deserve to live like this. Very sad situation, but she’s the one who has been changed by this illness and she deserves to be cared for by professionals who can provide better care than you can at this stage of disease.

Not sure how much of this is dementia vs. how much of this is her being a horrible human. You can walk out of the room, of course. If she berates you when you come back, at least you've had a break.

Have you said, "If your cruelty continues, I'm putting in you a facility"? Because if she can straighten up on that, it's not dementia. If this behavior is truly dementia, a facility is probably the best place for her. Otherwise, you have to dig really deep and remember your love for her and know that it's not really her talking to you like that.

But it sounds so hard, and if it's a choice between your sanity and health vs. hers, well, she's already on the way, you know? Put your oxygen mask on first and hope for the best.

I'm so sorry.

I’ve been caring for my mother who’s now 96 and diagnosed with dementia in 2013. Neurologist prescribed Seroquel for agitation. At home, I was very diligent about getting that medication into her timely. Now she’s in nursing home long term…since a month ago. When I go see her …which is every day, I can tell right away if she refused her medication. Then I ask Nurse to try again now that I’m here. It’s convenient that the facility is 10 minutes away. I took her out of same facility 6 years ago to care for her at home. I sacrificed everything to do this. I had a few aides…but since 2018 it was basically me & one other aide. I was able to work part time or remote. I know I’m giving more information than your question, but I’m trying to convey that I couldn’t just depend on one person or if something happened to me. I’m not getting any younger. I know my mother best & taking that medicine for agitation is most important! Everything else falls into place when she takes it …you need to take breaks. If she’s home, try getting help with home health aide. If you feel comfortable with the person & she’s reliable, honest & caring. People always tell me, oh it’s the disease talking, not her….but it is her voice & the horrible words coming out of her mouth ….Hugs 🤗

Shadow, I think I understand--your wife with dementia is berating you and blaming you for her dementia, yes?

Is this new behavior? If so, get her tested immediately for a UTI. These can cause psychiatric symptoms.

If this is her typical behavior, it behooves you, for BOTH of your sakes to get her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist. She needs meds for agitation and anxiety.

No one should be subjected to this kind of verbal abuse.

Barb,
I think that the first word should have been, “She”.

Autocorrect sure does create confusion!

I am very confused?

Are you the caregiver?

Who is verbally abusing you?

Who is the patient?

If this is new behavior in a dementia patient, consider that a UTI may be to blame.

Limit your exposure. Walk out of the room.

If the person who is "trashing" you is not someone with dementia, tell them to F off and tell them to leave the premises.

Burntcargiver would know exactly how to handle people like your wife and get her to stop. Wish she was around right now to advise you.

I wouldn’t be able to stick around that long for it. I’d have to take breaks and leave the room or go outside for a bit. I’d have to ask the neurologist if meds could calm the behaviors and make home life more pleasant. I’d have to consider my own emotional and physical health and decide if her living in memory care would be better for the both of us. I wish you peace

Try to detach from this because you can't reason with them due to cognitive impairment. Don't know if you are responding but say nothing or something bland like oh or that's too bad.

Agree with sending them to a memory care facility. It's best for both of you.

Dementia often reaches the point where in home care becomes unmanageable for the spouse to handle. Behaviors require a team approach by caregivers working in 24/7 shifts who aren't emotionally invested in personal relationships with these elders. If you burn out or wind up dying first due to stress, God forbid, what happens to her then? She goes to Memory Care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing ANYWAY. Why not make the choice now and spare yourself the trauma that's headed your way with the upcoming care and maintenance required with dementia? My mother thrived in Memory Care Assisted Living for nearly 3 years where she received great care from "her girls" and my husband and I were able to have our own lives as well.

Best of luck to you.

Have you tried just leaving the room or even the house when she goes off like that? Just because your wife has dementia doesn't mean that you have to take any kind of abuse from her. I hope you know that.
Do you have your wife in an adult daycare center or have any outside help coming in to assist you? Those both are great ideas to give yourself a much needed break and help rejuvenate your soul, as you'll have time to do things that you enjoy.
I would also take to her neurologist to see if there is any medications that might help keep her more calm.
And then of course, if her care is getting to just be too much for you, then it's time to be looking into placing her in a memory care facility. That way she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can get back to just being her husband and advocate.
The only upside to this is that if in fact your wife has vascular dementia, it is the most aggressive of all the dementias with a life expectancy of only 5 years, so things will progress rather quickly and she will not stay at the stage she's in now for long, as she will be on to the next one.
So hang tight, and do what is not only best for your wife but also what is best for you.

Your spouse has dementia.
This behavior will not get better. It will probably get worse.
If she is not on medication to help with anxiety, depression you should talk to her doctor.
Making the decision to place someone in Memory Care is not an easy decision. I said I would care for my Husband at home as long it was safe to do so. Safe for HIM and safe for ME. Safety is not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety as well. It sounds like it is no longer safe for you to care for your wife at home. She may be better with caregivers. You could try that. But it may be that you have to place her in a facility that can provide for her needs 24/7/365.

This is new behavior?