Have you ever lashed out on a parent?

Yes. I have a few shameful moments that I will carry with me forever, and I don't even have the excuse that my mom was wicked, if anything she was the opposite. It happens when we are trying to do more than we are physically and mentally capable of handling, it's a sign of burnout. I came to realize that I wasn't doing either of us any favours by trying to continue and eventually placed my mom in a nursing home. Do you have an exit plan in place?

cwillie says.."I have a few shameful moments that I will carry with me forever"
I would bet that we all do.
We are HUMAN not super beings.
If we did not have the capacity to be ashamed of something that we have done that we are not proud of then we lack compassion. I would not want anyone caring for me or a loved one that lacks compassion.
We learn as we go. How to deal with stresses, how to redirect our frustration and anger.
I also have moments that pop back into my head that I am not proud of.
I did what I would do if he were cognizant...I told him I was sorry.
I know in my heart that he would have forgiven me...the difficult thing is to forgive myself.

chickee,

I posted earlier and I would like to add something else.

Sometimes, when a person is living in dire circumstances they are susceptible to harming themselves. Although, it may be unintentional, it happens. Other times, people will deliberately harm themselves as an escape from their misery. There is nothing worse than feeling trapped.

Anxiety and depression are extremely common in caregivers who don’t see a way out of their dilemma. Often times they neglect themselves in order to care for others.

I neglected myself as a stressed out caregiver. I couldn’t eat from being so stressed. My stomach was always in knots and I lost so much weight that my doctor and therapist were concerned. Others will overeat and have health issues stemming from eating too many unhealthy foods to try to comfort themselves.

Very often we neglect our own medical needs, both physically and emotionally. Some people become so depressed that they may turn to substances such as drugs or alcohol. They may sink so low that they are suicidal.

You know the consequences of being an addict. I suspect that you are most likely like I am who shied
away from substances after seeing the damage done by using. My oldest brother was an addict. I never wanted to end up like him. Sadly, some people follow in the same footsteps as the addict because it was their only frame of reference.

Please take care of your own physical and mental health. You owe this to yourself. You deserve to receive proper care. Look into care for your father.

While I certainly can't speak for every caregiver, I would venture to say that most of us have lashed out in some capacity at some point - maybe at different levels. It doesn't make you a bad person - it makes you pushed to...and beyond...your breaking point. You aren't a terrible person. But you are a person that needs to take a really hard look at your next steps. To protect yourself from making a misstep that you can't come back from. To protect your mental and physical health.

I think what is critical here is that you pay attention to your own red flags. You say you didn't do it intentionally and I completely believe that. It is incredibly easy to be provoked to anger by a parent who has caused you pain your entire life. It is also a dangerous position to be in - caregiving for them as they become more vulnerable -but no less antagonistic, angry or abusive.

One of the things that a lot of people like to tout when talking about caregiving, especially in relation to never putting your parents into a care facility, is a Bible verse about children honoring their parents. The huge, key thing they leave out every time is the part about parents (fathers) not provoking their children to wrath/anger. Now of course not everyone believes in the Bible - but it seems that it doesn't really matter if they do or not, plenty of people will use it as a "reason" for you to do things they think you should do.

I think you really need to consider where YOU are right now. Even the most mild mannered person can be provoked when backed into a corner and fight or flight kicks in. Your father makes you angry. He likely brings back feelings of fear, frustration, panic and any number of other negative emotions just being in the same room with him. And you have years of pent up anger under the surface that have never been dealt with. Also, you have your own health issues that you are not really being allowed to focus on because you are having to focus on him. Everyone deserves the opportunity to focus on themselves at some point - and if you are not well - that is quite frankly - the critical time to take that opportunity. That isn't selfish. That is prudent. It is necessary.

Your father needs care from another source. Be that another family member if they are willing, or an assisted living or nursing home. You have done more than enough. It is time for you to take care of yourself.

First..
You are NOT a bad person.
Let me tell you a little story.
Years ago the facilitator of the support group that I attended handed out an info sheet. (I am going to get the exact percentages incorrect but that does not matter)
This paper said that 80% of caregivers admitted that they got angry at the person they were caring for.
My comment to the group was...
That means 20% of the people responding lied.
You can not do this day in and day out and not "loose it" at some point.

A few things you can do. And these are for YOU not him.
Get a Caregiver to come in and help you. Dad pays for the caregiver.
Find resources that will help you help him.
*contact local Senior Center and see if they have any programs that will help.
*If dad is a Veteran contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission or the VA and find out if he is entitled to any services. Even a little help is better than none.
*contact Area Agency on Aging find out what help they might know of.

When you get angry do one or more of the following.
If it is safe...walk away.
go out of the house, go for a walk or just sit down and gather yourself.
Practice meditation. All you have to do is just sit calmly and focus on you, block other things out. Just a few minutes is all it takes. Breathe slowly, calmly.
Contact AL anon. You can talk to someone if you need to.
Let YOUR doctors know that you are a caregiver and in a stressful situation. This will effect your health.

We humans all have moments we're not proud of, let's face it. I know I do. I'm sorry your health is suffering and you feel trapped in an untenable situation which can feel suffocating. Look into a Skilled Nursing care facility for dad which may be the best situation for both of you. Allow yourself some Grace and forgiveness without calling yourself names in the process.

Best of luck to you.

You are not a bad person. Toxic parents can drive one to do things like that. My brother joked that when I visit my nutty mom I slip a valium into her coffee so she is somewhat calm and does not drive me crazy.

I said Todd, that would be illegal. He said killing someone is illegal too and he cannot see how I put up with my mom (he lives out of state) without getting to that point.

I assured him I would not do something like that, but I guess the point is its our responsibility to create the borders or space so we dont let the nutty parent drive us to do or say things we regret.

You were not a bad person for doing what you did but I think we all need to find ways to prevent the other person from pushing us to that point.

I don’t think you should be taking care of your father any longer. From what you describe, you are not in good enough physical condition to do it and this in turn frustrates you and probably contributed to what happened. Concentrate on your own health.

Someone else in your family needs to take care of your father. Call someone now and explain this. It is not a good situation for either of you.

Good luck.

chickee,

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.

While you didn’t plan to lash out with your father, it’s completely obvious that you feel awful about your behavior.

I find your honesty quite refreshing! You are a hurting human being. Hurting people often unintentionally hurt others, not on purpose, but out of frustration. Plus, lack of prolonged sleep can cause serious issues.

It’s miserable to be completely exhausted and still have to care for another person.

I agree with Grandma, if someone claims to be perfect they are lying! No one, absolutely no one is perfect. Every person on this planet has been angry and lost their patience when they have been pushed beyond their limits.

My therapist said to me in therapy, “Anger is a natural response to being provoked. It’s not always a bad thing. It can actually help us to resolve a problem. It’s far worse to bottle up our emotions and ignore a situation.” My therapist also told me apologize, if necessary, and to forgive myself when I overreacted to something.

Our parents know exactly what buttons to push. They are frustrated too. I’m certainly not excusing bad behavior but sometimes it’s unavoidable and we lose it!

I understand perfectly why someone becomes angry in certain legitimate circumstances. I much prefer honesty over someone who is passive aggressive with their nasty digs and a self righteous attitude.

I really hope that you can figure out a way to find placement for your dad, so that you can take care of your own important needs.

Your posting breaks my heart and I wish you peace in the midst of this horrible situation. Please let us know how you are doing.

Call Council on Aging in your area. Get an assessment and recommendations for your father.

You don’t say what kind of care your Dad needs from you . Does he need help with bathing , meals etc ? Maybe he could go to assisted living. How do you take care of him and yourself if you can’t “walk most days “? Maybe you could see your doctor explain how it’s difficult to take care of Dad because you are not well. Doctor can help get a social worker to evaluate what kind of care your dad and you would need. You could also contact your local Agency of Aging for help , a social worker will come to the house to evaluate what help is needed and help you get that help , or with placement in a facility.