Does anyone else wish to have a different outcome in life?


I realize that is very foolish wish but I really do not like this ending to my marriage! My husband does not understand much of what I say and he is angry all the time and I need to be so careful about any words and yet I keep distant because he is actually not very nice. I think if I was willing to go forward he would be relaxed but it is not easy when he is just not nice and says mean things like get out of my way, go be with someone else etc etc. I know he does not wish this but this is just not ok to keep saying.

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What did you mean by "not going forward with him"? I took that to mean divorce or separation.
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Thank each of you so very much for your kind and thoughtful answers. i have not really considered divorce because I will still feel responsible for his well being. He calmed down again but this has happened several times and each time is worse. If we divorce it is just way complicated . I will then feel the ending was horrible. I would like a peaceful end to this. Finances would then be shared too and i will suffer. He is only on aricept and that is all we have a primary care doctor but he is starting a trial this next week so maybe someone will get the full picture. No one ever sees this side of him JUST ME!
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I am so sorry you're in this situation. It's not what you planned, obviously.

My sweet grandmother dealt with my granddad's dementia (which was caused by his having a heart attack and being w/o oxygen to his brain for too long)...she lovingly dealt with all the things--but the verbal tore her up. She finally went with her kids' advice and had him placed in a NH very close to her home. She became calmer and more at peace. She could visit him, he had no idea who she was, but when the time came for him to pass, she was no longer angry and hurt.

He never became physically abusive, and that would have facilitated him being placed much earlier. He just became very mean, pretty much the absolute opposite of who and what he was before.

In your case, perhaps checking out the UTI possibility, then asking dr for something to calm him. Or you.

Bless you for caring for him. Does he even know you still? I know my hubby is going to develop dementia, he is aging just like his mother and she has zero filter now. Life is rarely what we want, is it?
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manatakei, this sure isn't what you and your husband had planned for your retirement. I know I wouldn't have the patience to handle someone with a mean spirit even though I know it is the Alzheimer's/Dementia doing the talking.

What does hubby's primary doctor have to recommend that might help him be calmer?

Any chance hubby has a Urinary Tract Infection as that can cause strange things and anger in us older folks?
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My poor Mom put up with that treatment for years.

After she had a stroke, I came to be with them...neither one could function. It was a surprise to find my Dad was actually in worse physical (and mental) condition than Mom!

In her final year I know she felt cheated because of the miserable life he put her thru. Sadly, his dementia was probably escalating for years.

Try to get out and have a life outside of the house. Get an in-home caregiver to come a couple hours a will save your sanity.

Remember....this too shall pass.
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What stage of dementia is your husband in?
Do you feel threatened?
Would he physically hurt you?
Do you have any adult children you can talk to?
Can you get him into the doctor for an evaluation and the doctor could recommend placement in a facility?
Please give more details so we can give suggestions.
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It is very, very, very hard to have a spouse with dementia. It is hard in different ways than having a parent with dementia. (I've had both.) My heart goes out to you.

What is the situation? Have you filed for divorce? What will happen to your husband? Why are you still living together? A trial separation may be a good thing for both of you, while you wait through the legal process.

Was your husband mean before the dementia? How much of this behavior is new?

Have you discussed this with the doctor who is managing his dementia?
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