How do you deal with caregiver isolation?

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How do you deal with caregiver isolation?

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In my own case, my network is in my former city. I make efforts to keep in touch with my friends, but it’s painful for me to hear about all of the fun activities that they are continuing to partake in while I have been dealing with Mom here (this tends to intensify my feelings of isolation).

I am planning to return to my former city when the timing is better to list and sell (currently am in a buyer’s market).

Because I put so much energy into caregiving in this city over the last 10 years, my friendships are arms-length and ‘thin’ here. I often felt very isolated during my caregiving marathon and continue to feel that way now after it’s ended — it’s terrible for my mental health.

I am wondering how others on this forum deal with the sense of isolation that seems to be an inevitable part of caregiving. I truly want to do everything that I can to help myself, and know that I need to ‘re-buffer’ myself.

Burnout Depression Mental Health Relationships

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i hear you. I moved back to my hometown 3 years ago to manage elderly parents medical crisis. I’m an only adult child. My father died at 94 last year. It took a serious toll on my health. I kept my job and did not live with them. This buffer was important. I have friends since childhood here but they are done with elderly caregiving. Parents are dead after long dementia illness and they are not interested in revisiting that time. I don’t blame them. They have shared a few stories of how it impacted their lives. I was living a fun, free life in my 40’s and early 50’s while they were saddled with elder care. They are now free and living life. I’m happy for them and they don’t seem much interested in getting involved with my life as a 60 year old caregiver for a 91 year old parent. It sucks. Maybe it’s me, I just don’t feel supported.

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Reply to Beethoven13

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Beethoven 13, I can relate. I also moved back to the city where I grew up and ended up dealing with my mother for a decade. My friends here are also out of synch with me as their parents have already passed on. They are living carefree lives and don’t want to hear about it. It has been isolating. No, it isn’t just you. You aren’t being supported.

This changed me. There were impacts. I am still processing them. Thanks for responding.

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YOU are important and YOU matter. It takes 3 people to care for one adult. Everyone takes an 8 hour shift.

YOU must really take care of yourself. You know how they say on airplanes that you have to put your oxygen on first and then help anyone else put theirs on.

You must get 8 hours of quality uninterrupted sleep. You must have dental visits twice a year. Health check up at least once a year. You need to exercise and get out of the house regularly by yourself. You need to make yourself healthy foods with high protein and fiber— a balanced diet of whole foods.

Is any of that happening currently?

Would you give us a little more information on your situation? Has your mother passed away? You mention your caregiving is over. Why are you not going back to the area where your house is?

Thanks for any additional information.

I find if you join an exercise group like Pilates or a gym that you can meet people there. Church if that is your thing. Join things in the community like community trash clean up day or habitat for humanity etc.

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Reply to Bulldog54321

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One very important lesson: you must not allow yourself to be the ONLY caregiver. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t do too well at this either. Let your clients and/ or family know this and stick by it!

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Reply to annemculver

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Agreed! Now I’m struggling with finding the right people to share the caregiving with. Hoping God will help me do that soon.

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Even as a paid caregiver, I struggle with this especially with challenging cases that make time drag on and difficult.

I'm taking some time off this week after waiting for almost an entire hour for someone that never came to open the door. I sat on this person's porch for the entire time while waiting for the agency to make contact. I made a promise to myself that I'm incorporating hobbies and movies into my life and getting healthy again.

This summer has been sort of up in the air. One of my clients has been ill and in the hospital for the last two weeks. So, I've been bouncing around on cases and have had a couple of cancelations after showing up for work or before I leave my apartment. Trust me, I know. This will wear you out if you don't keep up with your life. Also, I understand about not wanting to be around a support group discussing what you want to get away from. Maybe, hiring someone for about four hours so that you can get a mental break. It makes a big difference.

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Reply to Scampie1

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@Scampie

I'm sorry to hear that you had to wait for so long. Don't do that again. Never wait longer than 15 minutes. Call the agency if no one answers, wait the 15 minutes, then leave.

If the client is playing games and won't let you in, that's not your problem. That's the agency's problem, the client's problem, and/or the problem of whoever is responsible for them. It is not your problem, Scampie and you should not be expected to deal with it.

You don't have to sit outside a client's house for an hour because your boss or supervisor can't handle the situation in a timely and professional manner.

If a client won't let one of my caregivers into the home, they are to call me immediately. Then stick around for 15 minutes trying. If they can't get in, they are instructed to leave. The client is billed for the full time unless there's an actual emergency or service was cancelled for the day. If the caregiver gets in after 15 minutes of trying, they receive half (1/2) an hour's pay more and the client is billed extra for the time. If a client wants to play this game, they pay for it and the caregiver gets paid for it too.

If a caregiver can't get into a client's house because of ice and snow not being adequately cleared and salted/sanded, they are not to even try. I will not risk a caregiver getting injured because the homeowner or landlord doesn't take responsibility to make sure there is parking for the caregiver and safe entry into the home. The client will be billed half (1/2) amount for their regularly scheduled service.

Truly, I wish you could show your agency how a reputable establishment treats their people.

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Hi Danielle,
I have a similar circumstance. My mom is 105 and I've been living with her for almost 5 years. I'm 2 hours away from my city with my friends so I got a couple mom-sitters from Nextdoor and they will occasionally watch my mom while i go visit my friends in the city.

Is there any way that you can go visit your city/your friends? Is it far away? Can you start calling your friends more? Maybe have some zooms?

I'm thankful. My friends are very supportive but sometimes I just forget who I am - if that makes sense because I'm not living my life. I'm living hers.

Thank you so much for your post. It interested me because it closely matched my situation. All my friends' parents already died years ago. I just turned 71 and am fearful that my 70s will be spent not being fully me. Btw doctors said my mom could live another 2 years.

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Reply to TakeFoxAway

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I am only 62yrs and caring for my mom changing cleaning her etc. I am wore out physically how are you doing it at 71 ? Are you the sole caregiver do you ever think of nursing home for your mom?

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I am absolutely the only caregiver for my husband who has moderate Alzheimer's. He is with me physically at all times of the day and night. To the extent that he becomes anxious if I am in a different room and even follows me to the bathroom. He has his great sense of humor and is pleasant nearly all the time, but that doesn't change my feeling of being trapped. I recently had to retire earlier than I wanted to because he needed more attention than I could provide, even working from home. I tried to have a companion come to spend time with him so I could work but it upset him so much he walked away from the house. I haven't been away from him in 18 months except to have a colonoscopy (which doesn't count, does it?). I have lost contact with my work friends. I worked 40 miles away from the town we live in and have very few acquaintances here. I felt so trapped in our house, which was in an isolated spot without neighbors, that my mental health suffered dangerously. I found a way to move us to a retirement community with lots of activities and folks around. My husband is more cheerful, his thinking is sharper and I don't feel like there's no one in my world.
I know not everyone has the flexibility, availability or the financial means to make a move like this, but it has made all the difference in our lives. It's worth exploring. I was very pleasantly surprised how flexible and flexible the company was in helping us with the entire experience-from the finances to the physical move.

The isolation is brutal and a very real additional burden to the already immense burden of care for your mom. It's so hard to stay in touch with friends and to feel like you still have things in common with them. It's impossible for most people to understand the life demands of caring for a loved one and that makes it hard to maintain those former friendships. I wish the very best for you. If you find a way to renew those friendships, let me know.

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Reply to mrsand4

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You are right. I have tried very hard to stay in touch, but feel as though I am swimming against the current and also engulfed by caregiving and distance. Thanks so much for understanding.

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Thanks for sharing this, your thoughts are clear and all of the responses I have read so far have elements of application for you. I am taking care of my wife of 44 years, we are 67 years old and she is late stage 6 Alzheimer's. I can't tell you how many times I have considered support groups, but somehow they don't appeal to me because I don't want to be in a group with folks sharing about the things that we all want to get away from. Why would I want to open up in a group of people when all I want to do is have a simple conversation about life in general? Phone conversations help me, connecting with people and relatives we have not seen in a long time. We have been reaching way back to college and high school friends and talking about the good ol' days. Of course, lamenting the present situation is important. I believe that it is important to lament, to think deeply about life, to consider what really is important in the long run. I can't help but think about our situations with purpose, that maybe you and I are in these situations for some lofty reason that we cannot discern right now. Later in life it may be revealed. Mentally I am broken, broken enough to care enough for another person so that their life might be tolerable. If I am not broken, we both suffer. I started thinking about solitude and its purpose. I bought a couple of books about solitude and just finished one today. The essence of the book was that solitude plays an important role in the lives of creative, fulfilled individuals. Some of the best art, music, and literature in history came from people who lived solitary lives and at times suffering lives. I don't know if any of this helps, but it has helped me to write down my thoughts and I sincerely hope that you continue with inner strength on your journey and that you grow in your faith and understanding about life.

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Reply to sammyg

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sammyg, thank you so much for your kind, considered, and insightful response. I like what you say about thinking deeply about life; also, that the purpose of all that we have struggled with may later be revealed.

Hoping that that you also continue to cultivate meaningful connections with relatives and old friends.

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First off-you’re not alone. Caregiving is a demanding job especially if it’s just you. My brother and I care for our Mom (and we have 3 other siblings!) I am still trying to find the “me” time as well. I have joined a counseling center. that helps me realize so many of us are in the same boat. It can be so overwhelming. But I’m beginning to look into respite care even if just for a couple of hours a week. I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time. I don’t have answers…but look into help from your city/State. I found some programs that are free. They offer like adult day care/meals/things like that. Good luck to you. Breathe. God bless

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Reply to stressedmess

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Thanks so much. I’m glad that you joined a counselling centre. Respite care is a brilliant idea.

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The friends and social life I had are gone. Moving two hours away from the city didn't help. I thought making friends with my husband's co-workers would help. Five years of his dementia has erased that. Local folks here for the most part are not friendly-rural, very conservative. No family. So, once my care giving is over I will move. Researching various parts of the country to re-locate to.
As a counter point to this. I cared for my mother in a large city. So much easier and better for me.

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Reply to Ariadnee

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There are people everywhere, whether you know them yet or not. You may not already know many people in your immediate area because you have been isolated while caretaking, but now that you have more time, remember who you are and what you like to do. Do you garden or sew or read or walk or cook or quilt or love animals or enjoy adult education classes? Look around the community for a group that does an acitivity you already enjoy. If there is a center like the Y in your area, you could go to exercise classes or card playing activities. Attend a meeting of a group that sounds interesting, get involved with a project, volunteer at an animal shelter, join and book group, help with a church outreach project.
Focus on finding an activities (not too many at once!) you enjoy and get involved. You will meet other people who enjoy doing the same things.
Focus on the activities, not on just "finding friends,"so you are enjoying what you are doing whether you find particular new friends in that group or not. Going somewhere regularly, perhaps a coffee shop or a library, will help you feel "at home" there and you will begin to be a regular seen by others.
Whenever you are out doing errands, look people in the eye and smile. Even those momentary social exchanges will brighten both your day and that of the people you say hello to.
Look around you all the time. There are multitudes of other people who are also often isolated and could use a welcoming face.

How do you deal with caregiver isolation?

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