I have posted here before about my mum. She is 85, very narcissist personality and a chronic hypochondriac. She has always suffered from depression and anxiety. It has quadrupled with age and it's causing herself and myself and my brother a lot of distress.
I see her every 3/4 months for 3 weeks at a time and she calls everyday 3/4 times a day which now I have learned to cut short if it's getting too distressing.
She refuses to take medication for her mental health but she takes Colonazepam which helps her sleep.
She DOESN'T suffer from dementia as yet.
My brother lives with her and that has been his choice but the dynamic between them is VERT toxic and he now wants to leave which I don't blame him.
Her negativity and outbursts of anger and frustration is affecting us both badly mentally and now physically.
She has fallen out with everyone around her who has tried to help.
She won't come to stay with me as it's hard to travel the distance and she hates my family.
My question is how does one deal with this situation emotionally? I am emotionally exhausted.
I know I am lucky I don't live with her. I will go and see her in March for 3 weeks and I know the trip will make me mentally ill.
She has never been nice or motherly to me and I have been away from her since 16 .
I suffer from depression myself which I am not sure it's caused by her or not .
How can I handle this ?
Have you sought therapy for yourself?
Your mother is a bully and mentally ill. You have written in the past that NOTHING you've ever done has been good enough for her. That she's never been a loving mother to you OR your brother.
I wouldn't help someone who was mean to me. Why do you keep showing up for more abuse?
Consider saying " No mother, I won't be visiting you this month. You need to make other arrangements. Here is the number for the local Area Agency on Aging. Call them and arrange to hire help."
Let her know that you will no longer speak to her or have any relationship with her whatsoever if she does not clean up her abusive act. Then make sure to tell her that youre going to do everything within your power to help your brother get away from her.
Make sure she knows that you will not allow (use the word 'allow') her to speak ill of your brother or villify him to you. She will likely try to because she doesn't want to lose you. So she will probably get her negavitity and anger outbursts in with you indirectly by villifying and outright lying about your brother to you and trying to pit the two of you against each other. Don't allow this to happen.
If she starts up about your brother the phone call ends. If you are visiting her and she starts up about him in any way go stay somewhere else.
I'd cut the three week visit down to one if I were you. Neither you or your brother have to tolerate this behavior from her and neither of you should.
YOU are more important in your own life than your mother.
Thank you 🙏
Misery loves company. Don’t be her company. Don’t even think about inviting her to live in your home.
You don’t owe her anything. You deserve to live in peace.
Do make an appointment with a therapist to help you sort through your emotions.
Do let go of your desire to make things better for her. Your mom isn’t willing to do whatever is necessary to create a better life for herself.
As hard as it is to believe, some people want to be miserable and they really get off on making others miserable.
Grieve for the mom that you wish you could have had. Find other places to put your time and energy into. There are plenty of people who will appreciate you.
Wishing you and your brother peace. Encourage him to leave so he can resume his life without your nagging mother spewing her toxic venom.
It's FICTION.
RE-write the story so that you become your own hero, your own best advocate and friend. Leve your mother out of this version.
Taking an antidepressant is not "popping a pill". These meds are not fast acting, not are they addicting. They exist to replace depleted brain chemicals. Depleted by years of abuse.
Take just one call a day from her, then block the calls for the rest of the day. If there is an emergency, I am sure your brother will let you know.
When you visit in person, limit the amount of face to face time. That's what worked for me. I realized I was in control of the situation. I spent no more than 30 minutes a day visiting with her, usually in the presence of her helper because then she was on her best behavior. I spent the rest of my time running errands and making appointments, doing what needed to be done around the house. I did not have meals with her. I did take her out a bit when she was still relatively mobile but that stopped when it got difficult to get her out of the house. If she starts with the toxic bilge, tell her you do not need to listen to her vitriol and simply get up and walk away.
I made a small living space in the basement of my parents' house which is where I stay during my visit. That way I have my own place and not subjected to her miserableness 24/7. Maybe you could do something like that when you visit.
My parents are both in a NH now. I visit them every day when I am back for my month long visits. It's not so bad because now I bring my husband with me to visit them because he the master of small talk. If he is there, the visits are much more pleasant and she will not get nasty front of him. My husband has never seen that side of her and refuses to believe that she is that way. He actually likes her, go figure. lol.
But above all, do not take her into your home and do not move in full time.
sorry to hear all of this.
We cannot do this to ourselves. How long can we go on?
For me, my blood pressure is high (while my dads is totally fine). I'm gaining weight. Adding on to my own health concerns and medical problems at age 54, catering to my narcissist 87 year old dad. What am I doing to myself?! I have a wife and 19 year old son who still want me around and to be healthy. At my pace the past year, I was tracking to be 6 feet under prior to my dad getting there.
So I've been backing away , progressively and slowly, and will continue to do so until my own health is no longer at risk. Thats my plan now.
So- be careful. How long can you keep this up?
Also, please dont feel lonely, We are here with you. Its not a lonely planet, we are all in this together.
You are right. My own health is very much deteriorating with anxiety, palpitations. BP..etc etc.. I am 62 and sometimes feel my mum will outlive me. I am trying to cut down this co-dependency and addiction to toxicity and negativity of my mum.
The answer of why ? Mine is guilt and even though I KNOW I haven't done anything to feel guilty about, it's hard to shake it off.
All the best x
So WHY are you going to spend your time and money to be basically tortured by your Mother for 3 weeks? You ask, how do you handle this?
You cancel with any excuse you want. You have COVID, you can't get off work, you can't afford to come, car in the shop, whatever...Avoid going there. Do not cave in, plan something else to do! You need to see that catering to her whims doesn't help you at all. It only gives her the power over you she wants!
Stop those 3-4 calls a day (what is there to talk about?) for starters. Stop stressing yourself out visiting her 3 weeks on a quarterly basis! One short call a week is plenty! Don't even bother traveling to see her, especially staying 3 weeks?
The time you spend catering to your Mother is time you will never get back. Just the daily phone calls alone...3 calls @ 1 hour daily equals 21 hrs a week, or 1,092 hrs a year! That's over 45 days (6.5 wks) a year!? Take a real vacation instead!
You left home at 16 for a reason...repeat that reason to yourself every day. Don't feel guilty or sorry for anyone who has "never been nice to you." Stop rewarding her bad behavior...let her calls go to Voice Mail.