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I posted this same situation/question almost a year ago, and my situation has only gotten worse so I'm seeking some additional advice:
My mother has had severe OCD throughout her entire life. It manifests itself in her through constant worry, fear, irrational thoughts and depression (not in ways such as excessive hand washing, checking door locks repeatedly, etc.). In the past 2 years, her physical health has declined due to chronic issues such as AFIB, arthritis, neuropathy, etc. This has elevated her OCD even more. She now calls me 3-4 times/day about something related to her health fears. She has a psychologist but only has phone appointments with his occasionally, in spite of my suggestion that she utilize his services more frequently. I live out of state from her, but try and visit her every 5-6 weeks. I am an only child, so no real family support for me other than her elderly brother who lives near her and can only do so much. She lives in a rural county with few aging services. Any advice on how I manage my increasing resentment and anger over the situation?

I also agree to cut visits back to every 8 weeks or so. Let phone calls roll into voice mail.

You have to take care of yourself first.
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My ex husband had OCD. He was unmedicated for 7 years of our marriage. It was rough. During year 8 his PCP prescribed Zoloft for the OCD. My ex husband told my Mom the Zoloft was miraculous.
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Our city has several “friendly visitor” programs. I took part in it myself several years ago. I volunteered to visit once or twice a week with elderly. Sometimes I did errands with them. Sometimes I did errands for them. On occasion, I would take them to their doctor appointments. But mostly, I kept them company. No actual caregiving duties (such as hygiene or medication responsibilities) were involved.

A quick Google search of friendly visitor program, or elderly volunteer program, might bring up something in your area.

This might be a place to start, before paying for care.

Hoping you find some respite.
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Her health problems will only increase. But what I see here is a lonely old woman who may need more company. If brother could visit more often, that might help, but brother is probably tired of the situation and family isn't necessarily eager to help. I hope her psychologist has her on meds. If not, insist she try them because they could make a world of difference.

A hired sitter or companion is another thing. My mom benefitted from companions in the last years of her life. In a rural county (and I've lived in some), there's usually someone who does this sort of thing. A young mom who can sit with her for two hours while her kids are in school. A church member who likes to help people and is part of the elder ministry of her church. An agency who can supply a companion. This person could entertain mom with tales of her own household and kids, maybe take her out for ice cream, count out her pills.

Your visiting every 5 - 6 weeks is not good for you and possibly not for mom, either. It encourages her dependence on you. I'd suggest next time you are there, find a helper for mom, and then reduce your visits to every 8 weeks. If these approaches don't work, it's time for mom to go to assisted living where she is cared for by professionals and has fun things to do.
Alone in her home is no longer beneficial.
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sww1414 Jul 6, 2025
Thank you!

SWW
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You can't 'fix' old. Put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help. It's either you or them.
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Is it possible to get her on a daily anti-anxiety med? I don't know if this is a viable suggestion but if you could have her start on a med, then maybe you could say, "in the mornings, you can call and leave me a message, after you've taken your anxiety med. I won't be able to take the call because I'll be busy, but you can let me know that you've taken it. Then I will check in with you later in the day. I won't be able to pick up calls due to my schedule (whatever schedule you have whether real or imagined, to protect yourself). Then you decide whether you need to call her back.
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sww1414 Jul 1, 2025
thanks for the advice.

sww
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Quit answering your phone is the simplest way to manage your resentment and anger, and just let her calls go to voicemail.
And then if and when you want you can listen to them. And it's ok if you don't want to listen to them too.
Just because you are an only child does not mean that you owe your mother anything. And I guess in your case, be grateful that you live out of state.
I would just call APS, and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and allow them to get her on their radar. That will take some of the stress off of you.
You and your mental health matter in this situation too, so please don't forget that.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Don’t answer every phone call . Let it go to voice mail . Also try telling Mom you will only be available once a day or once every other day . Set a time to call .

Mom won’t be changing or calming down as her health declines unless she takes calming meds . She’s too old and scared of the changes she is experiencing due to age for her behaviors to change .

You will be the one that has to make changes to how you react to her . You going to therapy will help you . Mom going to therapy helps no one.

Good Luck .
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sww1414 Jul 6, 2025
Thanks!

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Fully accepting mom’s condition and the lack of solutions within your (or maybe anyone’s) capabilities may help you with losing anger and resentment. These calls must provoke some internal need to help, to somehow make things better, or to at least hear her out, when the end result is nothing changes except it’s all too much for you to bear. And you’ve had years of this. Time to severely limit your exposure, accept the lack of being able to effect change, and protect your emotional health. Counseling is never a bad idea either. I wish you healing and peace
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sww1414 Jul 1, 2025
thanks for the advice

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Tell her to ask her psych if she can try a course of L-methylfolate. It’s an over the counter supplement.

Just remember that every time you answer the phone regarding her obsessions, you are enabling her thought processes.
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