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My mom has been in the nursing home for 3 years now. She initially went it for rehab but refused to participate. Six months in, her limbs began to contract and now she’s bed bound and cannot even feed herself. I live 3.5 hours away and have honestly spent more time at her house which is near the facility than I have my own. She has never been loving toward my sister or I. My sister broke ties with her over 20 years ago for that very reason. I am her only caregiver. From the beginning she has rarely spoke to me or thanked me for being there or given me so much as a smile. I have had many conversations with her telling her I do not understand why she will not communicate with me. She does not have Alzheimer’s or any other cognitive disorder. I am sick & tired of being treated so badly. She barely even looks at me. She communicates more with the aids & nurses. I repeatedly ask her why she won’t take to me and I get nothing. I want her to die so we’ll both be out of our misery. My husband and I retired 5 years ago and I resent feeling obligated to be there for her. Almost every time I leave her I am mad and resentful. How do I get through this?

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IMO, a Caregiver is a person who does the physical caring. You are no longer doing that. She is in LTC with all her needs met. Your now a daughter that visits and maybe brings goodies. If Mom won't talk to you, don't go to visit. I would sell the house and use the proceeds for her care.* I would visit once or twice a month just so the staff knows I am still around. Just staying a weekend at a hotel. Call on the phone to check on her. Your husband is more important. Time to spend time with him, not looking for the love Mom is not able to give.

*I so wish I had talked Mom into selling her house and getting an apt after Dad died. Trying to sell and keep the utilities on in the house was too much. It was 120 years old and needed a lot of work. As it sat there it got worse. Never was able to sell it until after her death. And that was just enough to pay the tax lien and Medicaid. Wouldn't your life be better to get the house cleaned out and sold. Then you visit Mom when u want.
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You are the one who feels obligated to be there for a mother who doesn't even like you, then feel resentful? Stop being there for a woman who doesn't want you to be there or appreciate your efforts, or you'll eat yourself up with resentment of your own making! Not all women are cut out to be mothers. Just because yours had sex 2x and happened to get pregnant did not automatically turn her into a kind and loving motherly type woman who showered you and sister with love. Yet you insist on doing for her so maybe she'll show you that she cares, although she has never done so before. She's not going to suddenly turn into the loving mom you've always wanted, unfortunately, it's too late for that. You, and many others, were shortchanged in the mother department. I'm sorry for that.

What steps do you plan to take to acknowledge that your mother is not a loving or lovable woman and never will be? What steps will you take to realize shes already being cared for by staff at the SNF that shes able to be nice to, and does not need any help from you? What steps will you take to accept that your mother does not want you in her life, and move on with YOURS? In a perfect world, things wouldn't be this way, but we don't live in a perfect world.

Kiss "mother" goodbye on your last visit and enjoy your retirement, my friend.
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I agree with all the comments here. Focus on your life and your husband.

I had a father who showed up at my wedding a year before he died because his wife made him attend. I confronted him four months before the wedding. I remember writing out the invitation and leaving it on the entertainment center. My husband (rest his soul) mailed it. I would never had done it. Two years later my husband died.

We spend so much time trying to appease parents who were never there for us.

My advice: STOP!
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You "get through" it by stop going to see her. You are NOT obligated at this point in your life to spend even one minute with a mom who didn't give you what you needed growing up.
You may need to think about only going once every month or two, as the facility will call you if there's something urgent that requires your attention.
You and your husband deserve to enjoy your retirement, so start planning that much needed vacation far away from mom, sooner than later.
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No, hon, the reason you are her caregiver is because you chose to become that.

Stop visiting her.
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You don't get through it. You get out of it.

She's not going to have any deathbed revelation that she really really cares about you and is sorry for all the pain she's caused you. I wish it were otherwise, but might as well accept what IS rather than what you WISH.

You're not obligated to her, and you and husband need to go and enjoy retirement! How will you feel if Bad Mom lives another ten years and Nice Husband passes away soon (heaven forbid, but it happens)? Then you're stuck with remorse about not enjoying time with husband when you could have.

Husbands are more important than mothers at this stage. You and husband need each other more than ever now with retirement and old age coming on fast. Go have fun and send Bad Mom a post card from time to time. She won't even notice you're not there.

I'm sorry, OP.
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Bulldog54321 May 10, 2025
That is right. It’s terribly sad and unfortunate but any acceptance or approval or acknowledgement OP is looking for in her mom is very likely not going to happen.
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You tell us nothing about your mother's mental state. If she has dementia, then that could be one reason. However, she has never been particularly warm or forthcoming from all you say. So perhaps this is just "who she is" and is a part of her human limitations. She cannot really change who she is at this point.

Your sister has chosen one very valid way of responding to this. Like me, she isn't all that into "blood ties" and "an accident of birth" and apparently finds life more to her taste without Mom in it.
You have chosen another way.
Now why you would spend more time in HER house than in your own? That is a question I suggest you might want to explore with some help from a good cognitive therapist? Sometimes we work and wait to hear the simple words "You're a good kid and I love you." But when it is clear that won't happen it is in our own best interests to seek help in order to move on with a happy life, lest your mom's unhappiness play out generationally.

I wish you good luck. I am sorry there isn't a good "mom" here for you, but mother's day stories will assure you that you aren't alone. Seek the nurturing of good friends and family you create in love and react to with love.
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funkygrandma59 May 10, 2025
Alva, the OP stated that her mom does not have any dementia or cognitive disorders.
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