Husband finally told his mom in nursing home for last 3.5 yrs now that if she would like kids to visit her more than she will need to move.
With my husbands moms partial stroke of basically not much movement in one side and needing to be assisted by aids to restroom visits she will need to consider relocated to closer nursing facility if she demands kids to visit more often than they already do. The kids visit her quite often considering they live 2 to 4 hrs away from her hometown nursing home in which she has lived all her life. She is one in the nursing home that gets the most visitors and when she is at a lull of no visitors complains. She is now ignoring my husbands calls and going into the same ole routine of who is me no one visits her. Every holiday she gets very down and expects the kids to drop everything and put her xmas tree up etc. I had to call out for having a xmas with our family a year in advance. As I too am getting tired of sharing my family. We have visit and talked nicely about possiblities of relocation, but relize it is not our decission. Now it is where the cost of the nursing home is begining to be to costly and she will have to loose all of her assets of farm land in order to pay off the nursing home fee of 15000.00 a month. The home itself is not a castle it is in a very small town, and often is hard to find aid help. Any input or advice to help keep her at comfort yet help reduce her rent in which she will owe the nursing home this fall. Our son already purchased some farm land to help free up monies for her to stay in the same home. He cant assume anymore debt. She dosnt have a tremendous amount of land, but enough to keep her in the home for quite a few and than some yrs until she goes on low income poverty.
Before these senior brats were such, they had all the control over the family. They were the hub through which everything got done.
They aren’t anymore. The fact that they even have kids to visit them and check up on them IS the reward. And when they’re not there, there’s dozens of other ppl their age to socialize with, Just as they did when they ruled the roost.
I would go “ grey rock “ when she complains from here on out about visitors .
Look up “ Grey Rock Method” for how to handle this manipulative behavior by your mother in law .
People have their lives and visiting is something that gets put on the back burner.
I should ask though if the cost of a Skilled Nursing facility is less expensive closer to you or is it more expensive?
If there is no chance that she will move back to the farm it should be sold and all the proceeds to be used for her expenses. there does not seem to be a good reason to hold on to property that she will not return to. (If it is to be kept in the family then that sale should happen so she has the funds to remain where she is.)
Send a lovely card telling her you hope she is doing well, and that she will call when she feels up to having a PLEASANT visit.
When there are complaints, all visits, whether in person or on phone END RIGHT THERE. She should be told this. Any visits and calls that don't make her happy are simply not worth the trouble.
This is a sort of Pavlovian Training if you will. Look it up. It may work, and it may NOT work, but it will provide great relief to the entire family.
Way back when M would vent that Sis hadn't visited..
Initially, I took the bait. I choose to call, txt & hassle Sis. I felt bad. She felt bad. (Result: She visited once & became the golden one).
Then, I chose NOT to call/txt but did defend Sis.. Oh she's working, busy etc. (Result: Sis was not informed. My resentment grew & having to discuss her every visit).
Now. Any mention of Sis (or others) I pass the phone. You can call them. Sometimes it is just a passing wish to hear their voice. But to my surprise - M has grown more assertive! Will ask DIRECT "When will you next visit?"
The Drama Triangle was stopped.
M is communicating directly.
My resentment has gone.
There is new respect.