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She follows me around pacing almost knocking me over screaming and insulting me at dinner. Every night .These fights last all night. She Complains about me having an energy drink or too much of something to eat. Or I didn't put the lid on something. She gets irrationally angry about the fan being on. She chewed my out all night because I slept in at a buddy's house And had a nurse stay at her house. She screams I am not talking to you over and over. Sometimes I hire a nurse just so I can eat in peace. I went and sat in the car and cried for two hours. She started banging on the door and then when I went to see what was wrong she said can't tell me because I am a liar.

Time to place Mom.

My mother’s doctor said , “ There often comes a time when a parent with dementia can not be taken care of by their adult child .” Your mom sees you as a defiant child . Mom needs to be take care of by non family ,
Helpful Answer (21)
Reply to waytomisery
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Get out. She needs medication and placement. If you are hesitant about the second, go forward with medication first. Antipsychotic medications and anti anxiety medications. And, you need caregiver support. Someone seasoned and experienced and who can handle stuff. Without you being present. A private caregiver who can shoulder half or a third of this would help you. Not random agency caregivers that you have to train and supervise. You may get good people but you are at the mercy of agency staffing. You need a reliable partner to help you. Your mother needs a lot. Medication, supervision and probably placement in a facility. However, if her behaviors are not under control with medication and residential support, she may be rejected from nursing homes and memory care for her behavior. If she has no assets or money, get her a social worker to assist with Medicaid and nursing home placement. You deserve so much better and a life of your own. You do not owe her your life or caregiving. Move away. Become unavailable. Leave. The situation will resolve if you are no longer there. Don’t bother trying to reason with her. It won’t work.enlist help and back away. It’s the kindest thing you can do for both of you, especially you. Big hug. You are not alone.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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Mom needs professional care in a memory facility now. She needs medication. Make up your mind to find better care for mom, and don't beat yourself up over it. It's not your fault that this is happening.

Start by informing her primary care doctor what's going on. Insist that you can no longer care for her. Good luck with moving on from this miserable situation!
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Reply to Fawnby
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I'm so sorry you're having to deal with. Please stay on this forum. You will receive help and support. You cannot carry on like this. Is it possible for you to look into further alternatives for her care? Until you do, people will just leave you to it. You have to take care of your own needs first, or it will take you a long time to recover from this role. Please know that you have choices.
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Reply to SID2020
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Time for placement. Self preservation is the number one rule. You cannot continue to subject yourself to these nightly rituals of yelling and screaming which is a form of verbal abuse. How is your health holding up under this stressful situation?

I would start with a doctor's appointment to rule out a urinary tract infection and then proceed to respite care while searching for a long term care facility. Bottom line: You need a break before this situation breaks you. Urinary tract infections can cause terrible behaviors in the elderly. How is your mother during the early daytime hours. Evening hours can be the worst for sundowning behaviors. Maybe playing some nice music, better lighting or a snack might help before dinner. Hire outside help for a couple of hours to give you some peace. Mom pays.

Eat your dinner somewhere else before tackling this unpleasant chore of feeding your loved one. The brain is broken, but no one is equipped to handle this level of abuse night after night. Solution: Stop being available for the arguments. Get a hotel room with a pool if need be.

I had a client like this once, and ended up leaving the case. The dementia in this client was poorly managed and the client had nasty sundowning episodes that included trapping me on a basement step when it was time to clock out. I was in the basement doing laundry. She had been known to attack aides physically and chase then out of her home and then turn around and call the agency to complain that the aide hit her which was a lie. The agency would criticize the aides for not sticking it out and to be abused in the process of caring for this person. It's not fair. The agency wanted the money but provided no workable solution in making a situation better for the client or the aide. Family members didn't help with doctor's appointments or medications needed to calm this down. When I left this case, it took the doctor three months to get my blood pressure down to a safe level. I had been in the workforce for almost forty years and this was the first time I cried on a job.

I refuse to stay in a situation where a client is not being properly medicated so that they can have some semblance of peace from the symptoms of this disease. It also makes it easier when they are cooperative with the care they are receiving. Doctors or counselors who refuse to medicate are not dealing with a situation night after night.

At this point in your life, you have gone as far as you can go in your mom's dementia journey. It is now time for placement. It's time for you to put the focus back on you and your goals.
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Reply to Scampie1
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You handle it by either placing your mom in a memory care facility(that would be my first choice), staying away at dinner time, and wait until she is in bed to return, or move out and call APS on your way out the door telling them to come and take over her care as you are done.
Your mom OBVIOUSLY requires a lot more care than you are able to provide now and even some medication to keep her calm, and it sounds like you're in way over your head.
So I hope that you will do whatever it takes for both you and your mom to live out your days in peace.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I, personally, would have her medicated to stop the sundowners behaviors and if that didn't work, I would put her in a facility.

Sometimes there are no good answers, just the least detrimental to our own selves.

I have to say that these nightly feasts of insanity will kill you before they do her. It's not good for her either but, her brain is broken so it doesn't effect her the same, even though it can't be good for her to be this wound up.

Please take action before you become a statistic.

Great big warm hug! You can implement the changes, you got this!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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I think it may be time you and Mom don't live together now, don't you?
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I don’t have any better answers than the ones below but you are not alone. My grandpa made our lives miserable for over 5 years before we got a clinical diagnosis and he had an incident that helped me get him into MC. Our lives suffered, as I sure he was too. We had no social life, no alone time and although we work full time demanding jobs he expected to be catered to every day. The arguments got worse and worse and I KNEW something was wrong but unfortunately was unable to do much about it due to not knowing or understanding the disease. If only I’d found this forum sooner!
I would take the advice of the others and consider placement or your OWN health WILL suffer.
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Reply to laura9574
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I'm so sorry. it sounds like past the time she needs to be placed in suitable facility and you need time to recover.
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Reply to golden23
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