She follows me around pacing almost knocking me over screaming and insulting me at dinner. Every night .These fights last all night. She Complains about me having an energy drink or too much of something to eat. Or I didn't put the lid on something. She gets irrationally angry about the fan being on. She chewed my out all night because I slept in at a buddy's house And had a nurse stay at her house. She screams I am not talking to you over and over. Sometimes I hire a nurse just so I can eat in peace. I went and sat in the car and cried for two hours. She started banging on the door and then when I went to see what was wrong she said can't tell me because I am a liar.
My mother’s doctor said , “ There often comes a time when a parent with dementia can not be taken care of by their adult child .” Your mom sees you as a defiant child . Mom needs to be take care of by non family ,
Start by informing her primary care doctor what's going on. Insist that you can no longer care for her. Good luck with moving on from this miserable situation!
I would start with a doctor's appointment to rule out a urinary tract infection and then proceed to respite care while searching for a long term care facility. Bottom line: You need a break before this situation breaks you. Urinary tract infections can cause terrible behaviors in the elderly. How is your mother during the early daytime hours. Evening hours can be the worst for sundowning behaviors. Maybe playing some nice music, better lighting or a snack might help before dinner. Hire outside help for a couple of hours to give you some peace. Mom pays.
Eat your dinner somewhere else before tackling this unpleasant chore of feeding your loved one. The brain is broken, but no one is equipped to handle this level of abuse night after night. Solution: Stop being available for the arguments. Get a hotel room with a pool if need be.
I had a client like this once, and ended up leaving the case. The dementia in this client was poorly managed and the client had nasty sundowning episodes that included trapping me on a basement step when it was time to clock out. I was in the basement doing laundry. She had been known to attack aides physically and chase then out of her home and then turn around and call the agency to complain that the aide hit her which was a lie. The agency would criticize the aides for not sticking it out and to be abused in the process of caring for this person. It's not fair. The agency wanted the money but provided no workable solution in making a situation better for the client or the aide. Family members didn't help with doctor's appointments or medications needed to calm this down. When I left this case, it took the doctor three months to get my blood pressure down to a safe level. I had been in the workforce for almost forty years and this was the first time I cried on a job.
I refuse to stay in a situation where a client is not being properly medicated so that they can have some semblance of peace from the symptoms of this disease. It also makes it easier when they are cooperative with the care they are receiving. Doctors or counselors who refuse to medicate are not dealing with a situation night after night.
At this point in your life, you have gone as far as you can go in your mom's dementia journey. It is now time for placement. It's time for you to put the focus back on you and your goals.
Your mom OBVIOUSLY requires a lot more care than you are able to provide now and even some medication to keep her calm, and it sounds like you're in way over your head.
So I hope that you will do whatever it takes for both you and your mom to live out your days in peace.
Sometimes there are no good answers, just the least detrimental to our own selves.
I have to say that these nightly feasts of insanity will kill you before they do her. It's not good for her either but, her brain is broken so it doesn't effect her the same, even though it can't be good for her to be this wound up.
Please take action before you become a statistic.
Great big warm hug! You can implement the changes, you got this!
I would take the advice of the others and consider placement or your OWN health WILL suffer.
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