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My MIL spent most of the last year in several rehabs. She had a stroke and the night after she returned home, she broke her hip because she tried to go to the bathroom by herself.

My wife and I bought our first house in June. I spent the entire summer working on getting it finished for us to move in by September.

In late August, we were informed by FIL that MIL’s insurance had run out for the rehab, and our house was the only place without big steps.

So less than a week after we moved in, MIL did, too. We were supposed to be the stop-gap until the insurance rolled over. Instead, when it was offered to her, she declined it.

We also have a one and three year old. At no point have we had the ability to have real family time, because MIL is always there.

Her desk and wheelchair take up a large portion of our living room. Our dining room table is her pharmacy. What was supposed to be my “man cave” is now her room.

She is supposed to be doing some kind of exercises to gain strength. She never does. She can’t go into rehab unless she spends three consecutive days in the hospital.

The most she’s had since she declined, was one. She is overweight, and demanding. She doesn’t cover her mouth when she coughs.

The first thing my wife and I have to do is wake up early to get MIL out of bed. My wife then has to put her in and take her out, by herself as she works from home.

We then have to do this again to put her to bed every night. Every single day. She hadn’t gotten any better, but rather has become comfortable.

The only reason I have not yet asked her to leave is because I love my wife, but I’m not going to be able to keep up the facade much longer.

Your MIL is your FIL’s problem . He can get a ramp to get her into the house .
What does your wife say about this ? Have you expressed how you feel ?
MIL should go back to her own home , FIL and hired help to take care of her , or she goes to a nursing home .

Show your wife this thread .
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to waytomisery
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Unfortunately you’re one of a good number who’s found this forum after finding themselves in just this circumstance. Something started with good intentions, meant to be temporary, spiraled into an untenable mess. Please don’t even attempt to keep a facade, it isn’t healthy or sustainable. Sit down and have an honest conversation with your wife. Your home isn’t comfortable for anyone. MIL isn’t getting the care she needs with proper therapy and socialization with peers. Your wife is risking injury trying to move her mom. Your children may be young now but in no time they will sense the attention they’re not getting and grow up resentful and angry that their home is being dominated by dysfunctional grandma. You’re full of bottled up frustration. None of this is working. This isn’t just about what MIL wants, it’s about the best plan for all involved. She needs to move where appropriate help is available. Most of us here would never expect or allow our adult children to be our caregivers, it ruins relationships. I wish you the best in changing this situation and reclaiming your home
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Where is FIL now? It sounds like he is the one who decided this move.

Where does the 3 year old and the 3 year old friends play in the house?

I'd plan a going away vacation to the beach with you, your wife and the kids for 2 weeks and tell FIL MIL has to go to respite care.
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Reply to brandee
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I haven't read the whole tale properly yet but the last part leapt out.

"The only reason I have not yet asked her to leave is because I love my wife".

Can I change up that sentence?
Sentence 1. "The only reason is.." *think what the reason actually is*.
Remove the word *because*.
Sentence 2: "I love my wife".

Loving a spouse does not stop a person from speaking up, from discussing how they feel - with honesty.
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Reply to Beatty
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What does your wife think about all of this? She needs to drive this change with her family and you both need to agree what is ok and what is no longer ok. I suggest that at the very least you hire a daily caregiver, paid with MIL's money, to come to the house and do the part of the hardest labor taking care of her. Bathing? Morning routine? Laundry? And then you decide together what you are going to say to FIL about moving her out to a care facility. The bottom line is that this is not sustainable, and you need the time and space to care for your young kids and to work. Take your wife out to dinner and have an honest discussion. You might agree on a strategy with some white lies to help her negotiate things, such as saying that her job is going to require she works in the office in 6 weeks, and that is the deadline for moving her out?
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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Suzy23 Jun 12, 2025
I totally agree. Bowler, my guess is your wife loves her mother and just thinks “what other choice is there? We have to do what mom wants/needs.” But now your wife, you, and your kids are all in an unsustainable situation that could drag on for many years and only get worse for all of you (including MIL)

I agree with talking to your wife and saying you know the toll it’s taking on her. And the toll it’s taking on your marriage and the time it’s taking from being able to enjoy and play with your kids. MIL needs another living situation. Get wife to agree to a date, perhaps six weeks from now. She or the two of you can lay out the options with FIL. Assisted living for MIL (or both of them) and you can tour the local options. Or he adapts their home or finds another place for them to live that accommodates her current and their future needs. You can help figure FIL choose and get the plan in motion, but continuing the current situation is off the table.

Say you have compassion for MIL but you have MORE compassion for her, your wife. And more concern for your marriage and your kids.
(2)
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How old is MIL and FIL. I am sorry but this is something FIL has to figure out. When she refused to go to rehab, thats when she needed to go home. Its time for FIL to sell their house and find something to accomodate her wheelchair. Time for him to take care of his wife.

"Our dining room table is her pharmacy." This is such a no no with small children around. Don't think that 3 yr old won't be able to open a bottle of pills. Get those pills high up away from little hands. Sorry, Mom goes home or into care.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Yeah, sit your wife down and have a talk. MIL has to go. It was a mistake to move her in your house and you two are the only people who can change this situation.

As long as you are the solution, there will be no other solution.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Bowler, have you found a way to have a discussion with your Wife yet?

If not, can babysitters be found & a nice meal out be planned?

Nothing like having a nice meal out to reset & remember what your priorities are.
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Reply to Beatty
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