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Mom was doing great in her new apartment and environment. She is in a wheelchair and cannot walk unless the therapist comes and helps her. And then it is just a few feet before she gives out and is back in the wheelchair. Her hip joints have arthritis so bad that it has displaced her hip, so it is painful all the time.


But she woke up on the 27th being stiff and aching all over her hands were drawing. So I called paramedics out to check her and her blood pressure was very low. She took the ambulance to the hospital and they took blood tests and gave her Narco and then Percocet. Her demeanor changed to a very snappy hateful person.


My husband and I stay in the room with her attending to her every need all night, every 5 to 10 mins moving her from side to side. We were doing our best to make her comfortable. My back was hurting terribly but I said nothing to her because I felt her pain was worse than mine.


So three days in, they gave her Ativan for anxiety and Percocet for pain. I requested to stop the Ativan because it was making her sleep so much it was hard for her to wake up and be alert to eat. She started being ugly to the staff, my husband, and I (mostly because we couldn't understand how she wanted to be fixed in the bed). My husband had enough and told her we were going home. I talked to the nurse and she said she would ask the doctor to change her medication to something milder. But Mom refused to take anything else and wanted Percocet.


I feel like I have deserted her. I have not answered her calls or texts. She was wanting me to come back. The therapist at the hospital tried to see how much mobility she had, and under the influence of those drugs she didn't have a lot, so he recommended a nursing rehab. But she refused, saying she wasn't going to one again. We didn't say yea or nay about it.


I haven't been back today. I feel so bad. We are her only help for transportation to and from the doctor visits. I also get her groceries. My heart is broken and don't know what to to about the whole situation.

It doesn’t matter one bit if her pain is worse than yours. It’s a shame and all of that, poor lady, but you cannot injure yourself because your mom is in pain.

You and your husband cannot live in a hospital room.

Step away and visit during the day and go home by 6.

My twenties daughter was in a terrible car wreck last year had 3 fractured vertebrae and 4 fractures on her hips and my husband is a doctor.

He forced me to go to the hotel every night because he knows first hand that you cannot take care of a dependent if you can’t take care of yourself. Also, you need fresh air and natural lighting and a change of scenery.

So even though my daughter was on the trauma ward, I was only at the hospital from about 8:30 a.m. to about 5 p.m. (he did stay night # 1 and I stayed there night #2 but after that it was take care of yourself first.

Your mother needs to understand that you are not hers to destroy. You are a fully formed adult and you need to live your life. She needs to be a compliant patient and yes, she needs to be somewhere with 24 hour care and that is not you.

Stand up for yourself and your health. You and your husband need 8 hours of quality uninterrupted sleep.

Also, she may very well need Ativan and to sleep a lot because of the pain. Don’t rule that out because she is sleeping. Sleep is when our bodies heal and reset.

Work with the hospital to get her into a facility and do NOT go pick her up and bring her home. She needs a level of care you cannot provide.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Slartibartfast Jul 8, 2025
Really great advice for any similar situation.
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Neither you nor your mom is safe in the living arrangement you’ve had going, one or both of you will be injured. Her needs are too great for you to meet, not your fault, you’ve done your best. It’s simply too much now. Mom cannot be nasty, meds or not, to get what she wants. No wonder your husband has had enough. Mom is dealing with the inevitabilities of aging as we all will, happy is over for her, not fixable by you or anyone. Meds for pain are a blessing even if they cause sleepiness. Do not listen to rude words, no one deserves that, just as you shouldn’t deny your own physical pain. It’s not a contest of who has it worse. Mom cannot refuse rehab if you wisely refuse to be the help. I hope you’ll act to protect mom, your emotional and physical well being, and your marriage as well
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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What do you mean that you don't know what to do about the whole situation?
Your mom OBVIOUSLY cannot live by herself any longer and needs to be placed in a skilled nursing facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she now requires and where you can get back to just being her loving daughter and advocate and not her overwhelmed caregiver.
So talk to the hospital social worker tonight or tomorrow about getting your mom placed in SNF when she's ready to leave the hospital.
And if money is an issue mom will have to apply for Medicaid.
It's time now to do what is best for your mom so she will be kept safe, and looked after 24/7.
I wish you well in finding the best facility for your mom.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Butterfly, good for your husband for saying enough.

Please don't take this wrong but, have you been able to place boundaries with your mom? You have been run through the wringer back and forth a couple times with her crazy wants and demands, when are you going to say enough or have you already?

I would encourage you to let them drug her to calm her if that is needed. Nobody deserves to be chewed on by another, not even if the other is old and sick.

Have you told the hospital that you can not, will not, are not going to be her hands on caregiver if she goes straight home?

I have followed your journey and I want to encourage you to not get so involved, she is never happy and she uses you as a scratching post, step away without guilt, from her craziness and self entitled life sucking nonsense.

You matter too!

Great big warm hug!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Jacquelinezr Jul 8, 2025
I sort of said the same thing, too. If the mother can reason, then make it clear you're not putting up with nonsense. If she can't reason, then she won't know that it's not Percocet. This is a hard, hard journey for us caregivers.
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Discharge is unsafe right now, even if it is percoset or delerium. Rehabs might not accept her until less abusive, depending on their admission rules. Let the docs settle her on something.
Also, she had a major life threatening illness. With someone as frail as your mom, she might not bounce back to her previous lifestyle. You might want to visit some LTCs to see what they are like since after rehab, she might just end up in one.
Staying all day with her might not help in the long run because you will cater to her when she needs to do things for herself in order to heal. Or not! Visit her but try not to enable by being hands-on
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Reply to MACinCT
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You learn to step away otherwise you will cripple yourself and then what ? As for turning her every 10 minutes, why ? She will have to go into rehab of sorts, let the system sort something for her with your input. She cannot look after herself because she can't stand and I would imagine (based on my experience with my aunt who lost her ability to stand even for a few seconds) she can't deal with her bodily functions easily.

Your husband is right to step away, your responsibilities are to him, not your mother. Her body is failing her as ours will in due course. There is no magic wand to make her better so if she wants to sleep for a long time let her.
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Reply to JudyTeen30
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I think the Ativan is more likely to cause the undesirable side effects you describe than percocet. If she is really in such pain, she will not do well to switch to a milder pain control medication.
She needs to be transferred to a rehab/ skilled nursing facility from the hospital.
From there, unless she makes a remarkable recovery, (which is unlikely given the circumstances) she should be moved to a long term care nursing home.
And talk to the doctor or nurse about the medication side effects. Let them figure out what is causing her mood change, don't you try and guess and change medications. You should insist she be checked for a UTI, which can cause negative mood changes as you describe.

I'm so sorry your heart is broken. If she is mentally competent and no one has medical POA for her, then she can refuse to go to nursing rehab. If she is once again back home, as hard as it is for you, you need to step away and let her fail. If she is relying on you to take care of her every need, so she doesn't need to get professional help, then she has a false sense of independence.
She has the option to hire aides, nurses, therapists, anyone with the skills needed, to come to her home and help her. She can even hire a medical transport driver to take her to appointments, or an Uber.
Decide how much you are willing and able to do to help her. Then have that conversation with her, letting her know your limits, and be firm. She needs to understand this is her problem, not your problem, and even if you are a daughter who loves her, it is selfish for her to expect you to provide for all her complex needs.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Thanks to all for your sympathy and guidance! The hospital sent her to a Nursing Rehab and she doesn't like the way they are so rough with her but I do not emphasize on that at all. I haven't called mom or talked to her when she calls. I do text her but not so much, only twice a day to ask her how she is and hope she enjoys her day. She is only getting tylenol for her pain. I haven't talked to her Dr at the facility where she is. She has told them what she takes at home and who her Dr is. So I am letting them help her. My heart does hurt knowing she wants to see and hear from me. But my nerves just can't take the drama. I told her that I need some time.
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ElizabethAR37 Jul 8, 2025
If she is in a lot of pain, Tylenol probably isn't going to help much, and it may be very painful for her to do rehab. Maybe talk to the doctor or nurse about medication that will control her pain at least somewhat--and hopefully, find something that does not change her personality or mental status. I'm not a fan of the "let 'em suffer" approach to pain in old age. Yes, falls and even addiction (rarely) may occur when stronger meds are used, but severe pain can rob a person of ANY desire to participate in life.
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You didn't desert her although I hear you feel this way, which is very different from the reality of what is / has happened.

If she is legally responsible for her own decision making, it will be up to her how she proceeds. If you have this authority, you need to step up and do what is necessary for her welfare / best care.

It sounds to me that you need to feel you deserve to take care of yourself and your own health. You must be your first priority. If you do not have the physical strength to do what she requires, then you DO NOT ATTEMPT to do it. Hire caregivers or get a volunteer.

If you do not take care of yourself, you will suffer the consequences, physically and mentally. You might be already. The question is: Is this how you want to live now and moving forward.

If you do not set boundaries for yourself, you will pay the consequences.
Feeling like you have / are deserting her is a sign that you would benefit from therapy / self care / learning how to manage guilt, overwhelm - everything happening now. Feeling bad and having a broken heart is a very difficult situation to be in. The 'best' one can do is FULLY feel through these feelings. Do not push them under the carpet.

Know that you did and are doing your best. It is time to honor your own care needs and put yourself first. A therapist can help you sort out this maze of feelings.

Your mother won't change. She will continue to be miserable and lash out.
The only person that can change is you. You need to make some decisions.
This isn't a 'cold hearted response,' it is the reality of the situation. If you keep going as you are, you will totally burn out, and perhaps have a physical injury yourself.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Seems your mother was not necessarily having issues taking Percocet or Norco... Her problem is pain management. Unfortunately, arthritis is better when the joint is moved more frequently. However, unusual insults to the arthritic joint increases stiffness, increasing damage, cause more pain... Ask for non-medication measures - hot or cold packs - as well as long-term and short term pain medications. Whether your loved one is in the hospital or a long term care facility, the staff are responsible for helping her change position. They have several types of beds and devices and aids to help her find comfortable positions. They also have the training to move others without getting hurt themselves. Utilize their help.
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