
Mom was doing great in her new apartment and environment. She is in a wheelchair and cannot walk unless the therapist comes and helps her. And then it is just a few feet before she gives out and is back in the wheelchair. Her hip joints have arthritis so bad that it has displaced her hip, so it is painful all the time.
But she woke up on the 27th being stiff and aching all over her hands were drawing. So I called paramedics out to check her and her blood pressure was very low. She took the ambulance to the hospital and they took blood tests and gave her Narco and then Percocet. Her demeanor changed to a very snappy hateful person.
My husband and I stay in the room with her attending to her every need all night, every 5 to 10 mins moving her from side to side. We were doing our best to make her comfortable. My back was hurting terribly but I said nothing to her because I felt her pain was worse than mine.
So three days in, they gave her Ativan for anxiety and Percocet for pain. I requested to stop the Ativan because it was making her sleep so much it was hard for her to wake up and be alert to eat. She started being ugly to the staff, my husband, and I (mostly because we couldn't understand how she wanted to be fixed in the bed). My husband had enough and told her we were going home. I talked to the nurse and she said she would ask the doctor to change her medication to something milder. But Mom refused to take anything else and wanted Percocet.
I feel like I have deserted her. I have not answered her calls or texts. She was wanting me to come back. The therapist at the hospital tried to see how much mobility she had, and under the influence of those drugs she didn't have a lot, so he recommended a nursing rehab. But she refused, saying she wasn't going to one again. We didn't say yea or nay about it.
I haven't been back today. I feel so bad. We are her only help for transportation to and from the doctor visits. I also get her groceries. My heart is broken and don't know what to to about the whole situation.
You and your husband cannot live in a hospital room.
Step away and visit during the day and go home by 6.
My twenties daughter was in a terrible car wreck last year had 3 fractured vertebrae and 4 fractures on her hips and my husband is a doctor.
He forced me to go to the hotel every night because he knows first hand that you cannot take care of a dependent if you can’t take care of yourself. Also, you need fresh air and natural lighting and a change of scenery.
So even though my daughter was on the trauma ward, I was only at the hospital from about 8:30 a.m. to about 5 p.m. (he did stay night # 1 and I stayed there night #2 but after that it was take care of yourself first.
Your mother needs to understand that you are not hers to destroy. You are a fully formed adult and you need to live your life. She needs to be a compliant patient and yes, she needs to be somewhere with 24 hour care and that is not you.
Stand up for yourself and your health. You and your husband need 8 hours of quality uninterrupted sleep.
Also, she may very well need Ativan and to sleep a lot because of the pain. Don’t rule that out because she is sleeping. Sleep is when our bodies heal and reset.
Work with the hospital to get her into a facility and do NOT go pick her up and bring her home. She needs a level of care you cannot provide.
Your mom OBVIOUSLY cannot live by herself any longer and needs to be placed in a skilled nursing facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she now requires and where you can get back to just being her loving daughter and advocate and not her overwhelmed caregiver.
So talk to the hospital social worker tonight or tomorrow about getting your mom placed in SNF when she's ready to leave the hospital.
And if money is an issue mom will have to apply for Medicaid.
It's time now to do what is best for your mom so she will be kept safe, and looked after 24/7.
I wish you well in finding the best facility for your mom.
Please don't take this wrong but, have you been able to place boundaries with your mom? You have been run through the wringer back and forth a couple times with her crazy wants and demands, when are you going to say enough or have you already?
I would encourage you to let them drug her to calm her if that is needed. Nobody deserves to be chewed on by another, not even if the other is old and sick.
Have you told the hospital that you can not, will not, are not going to be her hands on caregiver if she goes straight home?
I have followed your journey and I want to encourage you to not get so involved, she is never happy and she uses you as a scratching post, step away without guilt, from her craziness and self entitled life sucking nonsense.
You matter too!
Great big warm hug!
Also, she had a major life threatening illness. With someone as frail as your mom, she might not bounce back to her previous lifestyle. You might want to visit some LTCs to see what they are like since after rehab, she might just end up in one.
Staying all day with her might not help in the long run because you will cater to her when she needs to do things for herself in order to heal. Or not! Visit her but try not to enable by being hands-on
Your husband is right to step away, your responsibilities are to him, not your mother. Her body is failing her as ours will in due course. There is no magic wand to make her better so if she wants to sleep for a long time let her.
She needs to be transferred to a rehab/ skilled nursing facility from the hospital.
From there, unless she makes a remarkable recovery, (which is unlikely given the circumstances) she should be moved to a long term care nursing home.
And talk to the doctor or nurse about the medication side effects. Let them figure out what is causing her mood change, don't you try and guess and change medications. You should insist she be checked for a UTI, which can cause negative mood changes as you describe.
I'm so sorry your heart is broken. If she is mentally competent and no one has medical POA for her, then she can refuse to go to nursing rehab. If she is once again back home, as hard as it is for you, you need to step away and let her fail. If she is relying on you to take care of her every need, so she doesn't need to get professional help, then she has a false sense of independence.
She has the option to hire aides, nurses, therapists, anyone with the skills needed, to come to her home and help her. She can even hire a medical transport driver to take her to appointments, or an Uber.
Decide how much you are willing and able to do to help her. Then have that conversation with her, letting her know your limits, and be firm. She needs to understand this is her problem, not your problem, and even if you are a daughter who loves her, it is selfish for her to expect you to provide for all her complex needs.
If she is legally responsible for her own decision making, it will be up to her how she proceeds. If you have this authority, you need to step up and do what is necessary for her welfare / best care.
It sounds to me that you need to feel you deserve to take care of yourself and your own health. You must be your first priority. If you do not have the physical strength to do what she requires, then you DO NOT ATTEMPT to do it. Hire caregivers or get a volunteer.
If you do not take care of yourself, you will suffer the consequences, physically and mentally. You might be already. The question is: Is this how you want to live now and moving forward.
If you do not set boundaries for yourself, you will pay the consequences.
Feeling like you have / are deserting her is a sign that you would benefit from therapy / self care / learning how to manage guilt, overwhelm - everything happening now. Feeling bad and having a broken heart is a very difficult situation to be in. The 'best' one can do is FULLY feel through these feelings. Do not push them under the carpet.
Know that you did and are doing your best. It is time to honor your own care needs and put yourself first. A therapist can help you sort out this maze of feelings.
Your mother won't change. She will continue to be miserable and lash out.
The only person that can change is you. You need to make some decisions.
This isn't a 'cold hearted response,' it is the reality of the situation. If you keep going as you are, you will totally burn out, and perhaps have a physical injury yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
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