Under the circumstances of not having a “husband” anymore, would it be wrong to get in touch with a former boyfriend I haven’t seen or talked to since I was 20 years old?

Do you know if your first love is married? Pretending you cared more about your relationship with your husband than you do, how would you feel if his old girlfriend contacted him?

I'm very wary of these types of contacts. My mother "reconnected" (in her mind only) with her first love once my dad died and she was deep into dementia. In her mind they married, had a sex life (that I had to decline to hear about many times), and they were very happy. In truth, the man died in 2009, seemed to have been happily married until then, and had six children. It would have been horrible had my mother -- in her right mind and newly-widowed --tried to contact him.

I say stick with the fantasy and leave it at that. If you need companionship, find someone who is local and available and also looking. Old romances aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

I think you might go for it, but make it clear it’s just a lookup for friendship and not something that could compromise his family life.

First love is divorced. This isn’t a fantasy, I been thinking of him for years but never acted on it. I am not looking for anyone local or available. I just want to reconnect with my first love, simple as that,

Was this asked before?

Do what you feel like doing. It’s your life and your body. It might go well, it might not – you could end up thinking it would have been better left as just a wish. But marriage is not so different, is it? Just keep your expectations a bit muted, and talk about old times until you get to know each other better. At this time distance, Vietnam might be an easier topic than first love!

You had a bad marriage but you stayed married, for some reason. You're now saying your husband is in Memory Care with dementia, but still "in his right mind" ENOUGH to be making sexual advances to other women, which is what you believe gives you 'permission' to rekindle a relationship with your first love, is that right? And you're asking us if it would be wrong of you to do so.

Dementia is real and your husband would not be in Memory Care if he didn't have a diagnosis of it. This is why his behavior is the way it is, including his sexual aggression and violent agitation, both which should be addressed and treated by his doctor. His disease doesn't give you rights you wouldn't ordinarily have as a married woman. That's not to say you don't want, or don't deserve a life of your own, you do. We all deserve love and affection and kindness and decency from others. But what does that mean for your husband, where does your new relationship leave him? And you can say you won't have a physical relationship until the cows come home, but we all know where loving affection ultimately leads. We're all adults. Don't go into "rekindling" an old love and try to fool yourself at the same time. Either do it or don't do it, but be honest with yourself going in and all along. And decide beforehand if it means you'll stop visiting your husband in MC or what it will mean for that relationship.

Some people are able to have a relationship with another person while their spouse is in Memory Care and be ok with it, some aren't. We can't answer this question for you. Only YOU can answer it for yourself. What's wrong for one person may be right for another, and what's right for one is wrong for another. If you are able to live with your decision and be happy with it and yourself, go for it. If not and you'll wind up full of self remorse, don't. Look within for your answer.

Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

Go for it! My mom, too, thought of her first love for many years. She sent him a Christmas card in July when she found an address for him. His wife had passed five years earlier. My mom divorced in her early 40's, never remarried until....

Mom and first boyfriend did not marry in the 50's because she was Lutheran, he was Catholic. That just wasn't done then.

The Xmas card started a new relationship. They traveled often to visit each other and he finally moved from Virginia. They married on mom's 80th bday, she thought she would never forget the anniversary that way. 😕😕 She had very early Alzheimer's when they married. He passed on their 10th anniversary and mom's 90th bday. She didn't know him most of the time the last couple of years.

They were quite happy for the majority of that ten years.

It could be your first love also has significant health issues, though. But, check it out.

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I feel for you girl! I have been in that situation from early in my marriage but stayed because of obligation to our child...I am now full-time caregiver and nurse and whipping boy for my 84 YO AD wife. I am 82 and watching the weeks go by! Wish I had some good advice for you, but I wish you well...soon!

Go for it in my opinion.

If you belong to a faith, you may wish to discuss & explore this with a representative.

I personally say go for it.

It sounds like you've pretty much had a miserable marriage, so why wouldn't you at this point just get a divorce before "reconnecting" with an old flame? That way you both could do whatever you wanted(since he's divorced too)without any ties or regrets, as often what might start as just a simple reconnecting friendship, could easily and quickly turn into something much more involved. Are you ready to live with the consequences of that as a still married woman? Just something to think about.
We get a version of this question every now and again, and there are no simple or easy answers, as we all have to live with the choices we make in this life.
As a Christian, I took my marriage vows very seriously, and would have never even thought about reconnecting with an old flame, while my husband was still alive. He ended up having a massive stroke just a year and a half after we married, which forever changed him and our marriage, but I chose to stand by his side until he died in 2020.
But that is me, only you know what you can live with if you decide to reach out. I would certainly recommend praying about it and like Beatty said below, if you belong to any kind of faith/church, please talk this over with your pastor/rabbi, or whoever.
I'm praying for God to give you wisdom and discernment in this situation.

I will leave your moral questions up to you. I would be the very last to judge another's moral choices if they hurt no one else, and in this case I cannot see who would be hurt.
For myself I would divorce this husband. Whoever he was when you were together (and apparently he was violent) I would have divorced him THEN. I certainly would divorce him NOW when he is really no one you ever knew. This will also divide your assets so his go to his care and yours are protected for YOU. It is then I would consider whether to seek companionship with others for myself.
These truly are personal decisions that I feel are not any one else's business at all. I wish you good luck whatever decision you make for yourself.

Your husband’s behavior now or in the past should not be the determining factor with your decision to pursue a relationship.

I think you should divorce your husband to start with and to be honest I don’t see why people look at the past as things change people change and the ex might be in a happy relationship anyway so think you should focus on a divorce first then see what the future holds for you

My husband and I discussed this subject and our covenant of “til death do us part” is the deal we made when we married. His mom cared for his dad 11 years with ALZ and the dad had a “girlfriend” he saw in the park. His mom would not have put up with a “girlfriend” if he was in his right mind, but her stance changed because he is not in his right mind and he has joy in seeing the other lady on his walks with his caregiver. He was not a perfect husband and she can say she was not a perfect wife, but the commitment they made allowed for care until he passed. Consider this, you may be “justified” in the world view of having emotional or physical intimacy with another person while still being married but it appears that you will suffer the feelings of guilt and remorse. I base this on the way you posed this question. No one who has answered this question, (so far), has done what you are proposing to do; the advice is based on their thoughts not their experience. You can’t UNring a bell.

Dear Spouse Can’t Cope:

Some if the answers below are good, some are careless. I tend to lean towards the moral and what could become, emotional issues for you. - Trust me when I say that I understand what it is like to have a spouse living with dementia. While my bride of 31+ years is still in love and tender with me, physical intimacy went out the door nearly 2 years ago. We had a great marriage. But since her illness set in full force, physical touch went away. - A relationship with another, be it a new person or an old flame, could have some emotional consequences.

I am not judging you, by any means. The type of relationship you had with your husband would have driven me to divorce court years before dementia set in. But I am not you and cannot pretend to know the why’s and why not’s of your past or present emotional decisions.

I didn’t see any responses that dealt with the legal sides of divorcing your husband. But do consider that! What happens to your assets? - If your husband has been deemed mentally incapacitated then he will not be able to legally fight for himself and therefore would need a court required representation. This could get VERY expensive for you with the legal court tie ups. Not only would you have to pay for your lawyer out of your joint assets, but his also. You’re not entering an easy road to travel on.

I wish you well and will pray for you. You are in a difficult place many “caregiving spouses” have been.

As long as the Old Boy friend is single - why Not ? Your 78 and need to enjoy the rest of your life. Go On a cruise and have some fun.

Go for it, you deserve every bit of happiness that comes your way! We only have one life to live, and since your marriage wasn’t the greatest before, and you sacrificed being in a happy marriage for the sake of your children there is nothing wrong with reconnecting now with your first love. Only someone who has walked in your shoes can understand. Go for it.

Are you sure your first love is alive? Just asking.......

I think u answered your own question...u probably have lived your life for others raising a family...now do what u feel makes u happy.. who cares if others dont approve.. they'll get over it

It seems you are trying to CONVINCE everyone to tell you it is ok to contact this past love. Do what YOU want to do.only YOU know what is “ right” for you. Why do you care what WE think anyway? We are total strangers.

In your heart I think you believe it is "wrong," and you are looking for permission from those of us on the forum. Don't rely on "reasons" that you hope justify your contacting your old boyfriend. Is he nearby and available? If you can accept your own self-censure, go ahead and contact your old boy friend. If you are going to be racked with guilt, you might cause yourself more distress than pleasure. No matter what people on this forum say, think about how you will feel spending time with your old boyfriend vs the resentment and regret you are currently feeling about 58 years of a less-than-ideal marriage. And how will you feel if you do not contact him?

I am so sorry for all you have been, and are going through. I cannot even imagine. You had an unhappy marriage and made the choice to stay. Your husband is behaving this way now because of his brain, he is sick. Even very good people do very ugly things when they develop alzheimers.
You deserve to have a good life. I believe that you are hurt and have regrets, and would give anything to turn back time and do things differently. If contacting your old flame makes sense then do it. Be careful though, because our memories can paint a prettier picture then things actually were. Also, would you be ready to deal with the possible guilt an affair would cause?

Sorry that you've had your hands full with your husband. So hard to hear about him being sexually inappropriate in the facility, but I'm sure it's not unheard of. For some, it's part of their disease. I don't know if there are any meds that help keep this kind of behavior at a minimum??

I can't say that if would be wrong to get in touch with old flame. But I think you need to be careful. You are probably not at your best right now, with all that you've dealt with including regret over staying with husband for so long. If you want to send your ex a message or a short letter, go for it. Just be clear about your intentions and do not have any expectations of having a relationship of any kind with him. Our memories of past relationships are often rosier than the reality.

Maybe you should reach out to other old friends that you haven't been in touch with lately. You could use some support and friends at this tough time.

Yes, get in contact. Be happy. Your "husband" will never "get well". And I think you may never want to divorce now, even though you may want to go "no contact". It isn't all about your husband..... it's about you, too, and the happiness and quality of your life.

Life is too short to deal in what if's. Go for it. It may turn out to be the best thing ever; of course, it may not. But you will never know until you find out.

I don't know about wrong, that's really not for anyone but you to say; but my first thought is that it's begging for trouble.

What are the childhood sweetheart's circumstances?

This answer is not meant to judge your - or anyone else's - morals.

I want to ask a few questions about your long-lost love.

You say he was "your first love, but Vietnam got in the way". How so? Plenty of romantic relationships survived Vietnam, as they survived other wars, or long absences through military deployment. Did you both decide to end the relationship because of the risk of him being at war (and I'm going to assume he was drafted to serve in combat). Were you not willing to wait for him to get back? Or was he changed by his experiences to a point you were no longer willing to pursue a relationship?

Clearly you have kept up with him, since you know the circumstances of his marriage and divorce. WHY was he divorced? You say your current husband has been abusive to you throughout your marriage. Was he also abusive to you? It's not uncommon for someone who is abused to go from one abusive relationship to another. Do you really think you will be happy with this first love, or is this a situation where "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"?

And on the subject of his divorce, how will he feel being the "other man" so to speak, since you are still legally married to your current husband?

If you ask me, before you start to delve into another relationship, I think you might be better served finding a therapist to figure out why you stayed in an abusive marriage for as long as you did, whether or not you end your marriage with your current husband. You seem to understand that the way your husband treated you was not acceptable, yet you stayed (and still stay) in the marriage. Maybe you need to figure that out before you start considering another long-term romantic commitment; so, you're not, in effect, jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Absolutely shelf the idea of contacting a man who has had a near lifetime of personality development and change away from you. From what you write, you sound lonely, disorganized, if not a little desperate. Yes, you describe a broken marriage, but after 56 years there are better ways to handle it. You don't mention a planned divorce, but your "children" are middle age adults. Why have you not filed 30 years ago? That would be step 1, along with accepting the fallout from your children. Be prepared to give them details. Can't you get more involved in civic activities, church, volunteer at a hospital or youth group? After a divorce you would then have legitimate social connections. There are numerous reasons for not tracking down a man from your youth. If alive, he is likely married with family. After all the years, consider he may not remember you; could you handle that? Are you strong enough to handle rejection if your contact is unwanted and threatens him? What could you possibly say to a now stranger from 50+ years ago that wouldn't scare him? It would me! Yes, you deserve happiness but you're seeking love and male companionship by burning a village down to get it. Above all, you're not available, you're married. You have to get out of it as legally as you went into it. Even then, please resist the urge to selfishly interrupt someone else's life. You're trying to relive a dream, wake up.

No get in touch. My sister in law hooked up with an old boyfriend after her husband died. They were together until he died. Life is short find all the happiness you can.