Under the circumstances of not having a “husband” anymore, would it be wrong to get in touch with a former boyfriend I haven’t seen or talked to since I was 20 years old?

Yes, go for your happiness any way you can find it.

Sounds like this is a fantasy, an escape from what is going on in your life. There is nothing to be gained by contacting this man, it has been over 50 years, he is not the young good looking man you remember him to be, he is just another old man, who knows he may be in worse shape than your husband.

If you want out then get a divorce and move on with your life look forward, not backward, there is no relief there.

Good Luck!

I just had this conversation with my wonderful husband of 44 years. I’m the caregiver to my 92 yr old Mom with dementia. It’s a terrible disease. I told DH if I get Alz or dementia, to make sure I am well cared for and go on with your life. If u really love someone you want them to be happy, and he is the best guy. What I don’t know won’t hurt me. Make sure your husband is getting good care and find some joy in your life. 💕

At your age you shouldn't be asking such a silly question. Do you really need permission?

What does your conscience dictate?

You’re wanting a fantasy. A “grass is greener” scenario. You haven’t been in touch with him. How do you know he’d be willing or even remember you? You’re assuming he’d be receptive and can pick up where you left off. This isn’t likely to happen how you imagine.

Hypothetically, let’s say you get together with the old boyfriend or meet someone else. At some point you will have to tell them you are legally married. Doesn’t bode well for a potential suitor when you’ve told them you’re still married but seeing other people now that husband is no longer sane. How would the new guy not worry that you’d do the same to him later on?

I don’t know how divorce works when a spouse is mentally compromised. It sounds like you checked out of this marriage a long time ago. Why keep hanging on?

You can start a new chapter in your life, but you can’t relive a youthful fantasy.

The largest moral hazard would be a Terri Schiavo situation. She was contested to be brain dead. Her husband wanted to remove her from life support, and her parents fought him unsuccessfully. Hubs insisted Terri would never want this, and did it after moving in with another woman and impregnating her.

You can see how Terri’s hub had a conflict of interest. I don’t think dating or even sex crosses the line in the way that establishing a long term future with someone else does.

You mention you are a parent. How will this affect your relationship with your children? They could be affected by you having a relationship with a different man. Are you willing to change the dynamics you have with them?

Nope.
A human is a mind with a body. Your husband's mind is gone. The body is still alive.

If your old flame who was your first love and it sounds to me like he was your true love, is single then I say more power to you, sister. I think that would be awesome and hope you do it.
My good friend's parents divorced when he was in his late 20's. His father hooked back up with his high school sweetheart when he was in his 60's. They had twelve happy years together and God bless.
Good luck with reaching out to your first love, and I truly wish you all the best.

Since you are still married and still have a husband, getting in touch with an old flame is probably not a good idea. Please talk to your husband's doctor(s) about his lack of impulse control. There are medications to help him. Look into developing more friendships with men and women - but avoid the romantic entanglement issues.

You will be setting yourself up for more disappointment if you contact him. Keep your wonderful memories right where they are, in your heart. If you contact the old flame you will most likely be in for a rude awakening. He is not the same person you once knew and loved. Either are you. It’s very rare that two people can rekindle what they once had after all those years. If you contact him, take it slow, as a friend, not as a former lover. I’m sorry about your husband and what you feel were “wasted” years.

If you want to do this to get back at your husband, don’t. You won’t feel better. Reading through the lines…whether he was with his mind or without, your husband’s actions hurt you.

If you want to do this for you, however, do it. Life is too short. Find your happy ending.

Be gentle with your kids’ feelings. They may not feel understanding.

Don’t worry about what any others think or say.

If your former boyfriend is married I think you’re playing with fire to meet him alone. Consider inviting his wife to come along for coffee etc. If that doesn’t work for you I think we have an answer as to your motives in reaching out to him. If he’s single I’d say go for it! Although he may not be at all the person you remember.

I think you should go for it! You can’t even visit your husband, by the sounds of it. I can only imagine how lonely you are. Many others have been in your same situation and have done the same thing,

I wish you much happiness, you certainly deserve it!

@SpouseCantCope, I read in your reply to someone else that your first love is divorced.

I therefore say YES, do make contact with your first sweetheart. If you can reinstate an affectionate, convivial friendship with your first love, all the more power to you.

Everyone needs a close friend, and sometimes reminiscing about old times can be both bittersweet and cathartic.

I wish for you, and your first love, the very best! You deserve it.

It does not reflect good while your husband is in the worst stage of his life. It’s not the best time. It is a bad start

How do you know he's single if you haven't seen or talked to him? What if he is married? Are you going to sneak behind his wife's back to fill an emptyness? Just something to consider.
He will figure out why you contacted him, right quick. As soon as you talk about your life, it will be obvious. Like a neon sign.
I know why the now, buy why him? Unfinished business it seems?
Just something to consider. Can you reach out to girlfriends and say your lonely? Someone to talk you.

Im not saying don't contact him. I'm saying consider collateral damage, if things turn romantic. If you just want to see what happened in his life, that's different.

You're not going to like what I have to say, but, you asked for opinions. I say you are putting the cart before the horse. You sound desperate in trying to find an old love for such a petty reason. From what it sounds like to me, you are the one who let Vietnam get in the way, so I'm basing my answer on that assumption. Sounds as though boyfriend was drafted and you were not willing to wait. You went on to marry an abusive, manipulative, controlling man. You stayed in that marriage for whatever reasons for decades. Now, even though he can no longer do those things to you, you think you are ready to start searching men out again and you want to start with the man who you let get away. What makes you feel you are so special to think he would even want to see you? Why would a man who's girlfriend dumped him while he was forced to go to war even think she was worth seeing him again?
What do your girls think of this idea of mom breaking her wedding vows after all these years while their Dad is in a facility to go find an old love.? Have you had the intestinal fortitude to ask them? I'll bet not because you you know they would feel it's the wrong thing to do. With that being said, I think you are feeling relieved that you are now a free woman. You are basically in a period of adjustment and you are thinking of doing things you're not quite ready for nor have you thought it out thoroughly... you've let fantasy get in the way if logic. You must have a talk with yourself. If you feel you've got to make such a bold move as to hunt this old boyfriend down, you'd better get a divorce first or wait till your husband passes. If you don't, and happen to reconnect with old boyfriend, what do you think he will think of you??..a married woman, who dumped him in the past, who has now dumped her sick husband and is out looking for other men. He'll drop you like a hot potato as old feelings of rejection, resentment etc resurface in his mind. I'd be ashamed and feel like a fool doing what you are asking us to give you permission to do. There are plenty of men out there to get involved with. Why old boyfriend? Guilt? You threw him away decades ago. Now you want to reconnect? Leave that poor man alone. How do you think you will be seen in any man's eyes with a sick husband now locked away and you are still married to the man. I'll bet they'll cease to be interested in you after funding out you've got a husband.
Put the horse in front of the cart. Either get a divorce or wait till husband passes. Don't make a fool of yourself. I think you already know all this, but talk it over with your daughters because in the long run, it is they that will judge you most. It's their Dad you are wanting to step out on. Just because he was abusive to you, doesn't mean they don't love their dad. I'm sure they love you as well. Therapy is needed by you before anything. You certainly deserve it. Good luck!

I think you already know what you want to do and are writing n this forum to say it is OK. Do what you believe is right and live with the consequences, It is really not for othersto speak for you.

If he is married, absolutely no. If he is not married okay but guard your heart, you may be better off with the sweet memory of your old beau.

From a guys point of view, which is near to impossible as I am not, he may think that you're out for sex no matter what you intend. He may think badly of cheating on your husband and there will be no amount of "no, you misunderstand" that will fix that.

This is so difficult. TV, movies, and the occasional newspaper or magazine articles report too that such things happen. Great human interest story, good Hallmark story, or a Reader's Digest quick read but you never see how it pans out.

Could be that your old boyfriend may be pining for you too. On the other hand after 58 years your beau may be in a world of neediness, diapers, colostomy bag, hel-acious bad breath, warts and all and in debt.

In the midst of sadness it's very common and normal for the mind to automatically snap back to the last point of happiness, or even an imagined oasis of relief. It's a micro vacation that takes off the pressure. A bit of heaven in your mind. But it is very important to replace that maybe with something or someone well thought out. Especially because there is (1) no more time to waste and (2) you do not want to pile on more sadness.

If you must find out about him without being intrusive give it a try. Keep in mind he hasn't reach out to you and you may be giving him grief.

This may be helpful -
Almost 52 years ago I took a typing class. There was a young man in the class who was a crack typist but registered for the class to meet nice girls.

With that in mind there may be a better way for you to reach out for something real. Go to places or join in on a pastime that older guys may be likely to go to like car shows, dancing, dog parks, parks, museums, coffee shops, library, petting zoo's (they maybe with their grandchildren). Many older people do volunteer work at hospitals. You may meet an active older gentleman there that simply got a cut from skateboarding or just model building and is otherwise in good shape, fun loving and would love company.

These would be the genuine articles and not a shaky memory of wishes.

If you go to the park or boardwalk bring a thermos of coffee and an extra cup.

After my husband passed away, I got in contact with a friend from college days. He now lives with me and takes quite good care of me.

I felt I wasn't getting any "younger."

Your's would just be a little earlier in the game. The man you married is no longer there. His body is, but.....

Good Luck!!!

You do what YOU want to do.

Reach out and see if you ole beau is even wanting to chat. He might, he might not.
You might not even like him now, after all, time does change all things.

I know what it's like to live in a broken marriage. I've live it everyday for the past 15 years. Started off great and things continually worsen daily. We're like 2 strangers that just survive under one roof. The love is gone, completely. I live with a bitter, hateful, moody person of whom I don't even know anymore.
I've asked him for counseling, church, and any type of therapy and the answer is always no.
I'm hoping someday to have someone that will truly love me until the end. And if I could reach out to a friendly face from the past, I would sure give it a chance, But at this point I can't do that. If it worked out, great! If not, I could rest my mind that it wasn't meant to be.

If you don't reach out to him, you'll always wonder, what if........

Take it slow, keep it simple, if the old flame doesn't work out, you can rest your mind that he just wasn't the one.

Best wishes for you

I have friendships with my former husband and three old boyfriends and I'm remarried and my now until death husband is not in memory care. He also has female friendships from past relationships. It isn't a problem because in both our cases those friendships are clearly defined as just friendships. The younger years of friendships and falling in love are important to us, so you of course wish to connect with this guy. Is what is stopping you from contacting him your intentions? You aren't really looking for just a friend, rather a relationship? The suggestions here so far are all things to consider as you move forward. Divorce and splitting resources, staying married while intending to start a relationship, how to deal with your responsibilities in either case, etc. It could get really complicated. If you contact this boyfriend with the idea of simply having a friend and are completely honest about your situation, I see no problem. But whatever happens, do start getting some legal advice toward how you wish to continue or not continue being a wife and/or your husband's advocate, all toward finding some happiness in your own life, which may include friendships, a relationship, and new activities and interests. I've always found that good friendships and relationships come out of both people being on solid ground going in. But, by all means, call the guy up and see what's happening with him and if you have things in common still. Absolutely no harm in that much.

Either divorce your husband and move on (ie contact whoever you’d like) or stick with your husband until the end.

You took vows. As “sucky” as the situation may be, to cheat on someone because they are sick is wrong. If you are unhappy, then by all means, leave and get a divorce so you can live your own life. People will say to divorce someone who is sick is wrong. But it’s better than cheating.

You are entitled to your life, but take the high road. By taking the high road you will never regret it.

Having never been married, I can't offer a lot of advice in that regard. But having had relationships when I was much younger, I can sometimes be wistful about the past. Maybe what you're looking for is the flush of young love. The person you contact, if he is alive and able, may be in another relationship. You take the risk of being very disappointed in who and what you find. Do you want to take that step? You're asking for our "blessing " but it is not ours to give. Maybe some Google/ social media snooping will satisfy your curiosity. Be true to yourself. I wish you a peaceful heart.

What anyone else thinks about this situation is no one's business but your own.
How do YOU feel about it? Obviously you are having second thoughts or you would not have posed the question.
Are you looking at this forum as your "moral compass"?
What would your reaction be if your best friend asked you this question if she were in the same position?
What would your reaction be if your mom was in the same position 30 years ago? (I just picked 30 years as just a number)
Again...you are an adult. Your former boyfriend is an adult. No ones opinion should matter.

I guess the other thing is if you have not contacted him is he
1) still interested?
2) many things have changed in that many years he is NOT the same person he was.
3) is he healthy, the last thing you need to do is become a caregiver to someone else.

I'm wondering why you are going so far back into your past. Why not join some groups where you can meet people your own age and make new friends. Don't feel guilt about contacting an old friend, but you may find that the person you knew and liked at age 20 is no longer suitable for you, with all of your life experience.

It seems like there are two issues you are dealing with. The first, seeing the guy from 58 years ago, and the "not having a husband anymore". Both are relatively simple. Got two minutes?

First, you deserve support and respite and how you choose to provide that for yourself should be entirely your choice. People will judge you if you get a Chia Pet and people will judge you if you have coffee with an old flame... so what???

I could go on and on, but you probably get the idea...

The "not having a husband anymore" is just a bit more complicated, but still pretty easy. (Sorry, not sorry if you don't like what comes next.)

When you did the "For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part" thing you signed a long-term contract and it seems like you have upheld your end of the contract very well - even if your husband may not have. Honor yourself for that. Be proud of yourself for that and thank God for the strength, courage, patience, and everything it took to get you to today. You are stronger than most, braver than most, and a great role model for your girls.

You are probably thinking I am going to say you have to honor that contract till the "death do us part" clause kicks in. Well, yes and no. Unless you are going to end the contract by divorce, murder, or suicide (I don't recommend any of those options) you have to deal with the moral obligation and guilt you have to your husband - because he is your husband - even if his mind is mush and he's grabbing every girl part he can.

You are in a lucky spot for two reasons. First, the contract can be modified to suit the current conditions. Start by creating clear guidelines for how you will operate in the marriage. It may be, "I will visit once per week for 45 minutes and deal with emergencies" or whatever is appropriate under the circumstances. Let the people who need to know know what they can expect of you and follow through on your new promises.

Next, just be authentic with the people who matter - including your husband. They will understand and support you. Let them know you are planning to have coffee with the old friend. There is no need for shame, guilt, or anything but a bit of happiness and sunshine in your life.

Please go get some happiness. You deserve it!

~BRAD

No get in touch. My sister in law hooked up with an old boyfriend after her husband died. They were together until he died. Life is short find all the happiness you can.