Hello. My parents are both showing signs of dementia. My dad's has been gradual, but Mom's was like falling off of a cliff. My brother and I started looking at continuing care communities and found a few we really liked. But my parents were horribly resistant to the thought of moving out of their home. We suggested having someone come in a few hours a day; same resistance. We were backed up by their closest relatives, but still they resisted.
The house started getting messy; plates of cat food around, papers all askew, garbage outside in bins but not taken down to the curb. We even called APS and met them there to let them in; they determined that their home was not an environmental hazard since it's not a hoarding situation, and their power and water were on.
Last weekend, Mom went to a neighbor and said her heart was racing and she wanted to go the hospital. The neighbor called an ambulance. Her heart tests were fine but they admitted her for further testing and diagnosed dementia. They sent her to a rehab, where she has been for 4 days. She is pretty weak and they are trying to build up her strength,
So Dad is alone in a big old house. We took him to visit her over the weekend, but today my cousin offered to take him and he said he is too depressed and too weak. She is not ready to come home and even when she does, they are going to need help.
I live about an hour and half's drive away, and my brother about 3+ hours away. I work this summer and cannot take off to look in on him other than weekends and maybe once a week in the evening.
We are at a loss here because he cannot be alone but refuses to see the big picture. We might be able to convince her, but her dementia is progressing rapidly. I simply don't know what to do.
Had your dad appointed you or other family member as POA? If so that person can begin the process of making sure that your parents are safe. If your dad has not appointed a POA you may have to seek Guardianship.
Schedule an appointment with an Elder Care Attorney.
And if you or other family members are doing ANYTHING to "prop them up" so they think they are independent stop.
Do you wish to be guardian?
If so, Mom now has a diagnosis. Get her placed from her rehab into care. Dad should be diagnosed as well. You will speak to his doctor about this.
If no one allows you to intervene this couple will likely die in their home, the one or the other.
I would start with seeing an Elder Law Attorney for options here.
You have already been the APS route and in your area they sound incompetent to help you.
You have heard "You can bring the horse to water but you cannot make him drink; that may be the case here".
Not everything can be fixed. Seems that you have tried hard to no avail.
This WILL come to a head as it just did, with hospitalization, and you WILL get the call, either from hospital (contact social services at once) or from coroner.
For people who were so careful in planning, it's crazy. And they have always been very independent minded, so when things were better, they dug in their heels.
My parents had someone come at 8 am, she needed keys since my parents were still in bed when she arrived. She would make breakfast and then make sandwiches for them before she left at noon. The second person would come at 4 pm, make dinner, help with my father's leg edema device and get them ready for the evening.
That's the arrangement we had for my 90+y/o parents. We were good for a year and a half with this arrangement until my father's care needs became too great and he needed to go into a facility.
I hope your parents have their POAs and other papers already in order. But even if they do, I I would have a consultation with an elder law attorney to discuss protecting their assets. You are probably looking at a SNF and you need to know what needs to happen.
You may need to give your parents the option of the 2 choices. Enlist the help of the rehab social worker. Lie if you need to - we told my dad the dr would not let him go home without 24/7 care. If they still refuse, there is likely nothing else you can do and you will need to sit by and wait for another health crisis. My sister and I tried for 3 years to convince them to move, but we had no choice but to resign ourselves to waiting for that health crisis...
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