Follow
Share

My wife has not been professionally diagnosed with dementia. However, changes have been obvious to family members and myself. She can no longer do simple math, write a check or plan meals. She follows current events but becomes very confused if the issues are complicated. I am not savvy enough to discern if these changes are early indicators of dementia or just part of growing old.


My concern is this: if I discuss these changes with her, will it upset her and make matters worse, or is it better for her to be aware that she is changing?

Check she hasn't a UTI as the first step. When my aunt has one she talks gibberish. When it has cleared up she seems ok.

That way you can get her to a health provider who may see signs of something else.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to JudyTeen30
Report

I would ask this question of her doctor. Find a way to communicate with him/her privately the changes, the worries, and the doctor can do some simple testing next physical.

You know your wife a great deal better than we do. When it IS really some early dementia is the point that you will see, usually, a good deal of pushback on any suggestion there are changes.

SLUMS and MOCA tests, with their easy questions, are on youtube, if you wish to play a few word games with your wife that may give you some indications. Or asking her for instance to draw a clock with a set time, say 12:30. You can do some minimal things.

It's important now to find out if you are missing, because of no MD involvement, some simple explanations such as Urinary Tract Infection. So I would address this with wife's doctor if you feel she isn't open to discussing it with you.

People differ. When my brother began his journey into Lewy's Dementia he WANTED to talk, see MD, learn. He knew that early stages was when he could plan for his own protection and my help. He knew and saw subtle changes in driving, in balance, in strange dreams that were waking dreams in his words (he was having hallucinations, especially at night). So people definitely differ in their receptivity to what they are already feeling in subtle changes. Many of us run to our doctors saying "I left the gas on the stove! I can't ever find my keys! I put things in safe places and can't remember then where the safe place is" and doctors will work a bit with them and reassure them they are having normal aging changes. But as I said, people DIFFER, and you know wife better than we do. As does her Doc.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Not everyone who grows old gets symptoms like these. I know a 95-year-old who plays golf, a number of 80-year-olds who square dance and have no trouble remembering the moves, and large numbers of 80- and 90-year olds who work out with weights and go to the gym regularly. We live in an over-55 community.

Please talk with her doctor because maybe Aricept or Memantine would help her. As for her awareness, my husband was very aware of his own cognitive decline. He's an analytic type who was able to figure it out and also decide how he wishes to be cared for as his disease progressed. Many try to conceal it. It's all individual.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

As others have said, have her checked for UTI and also privately discuss your concerns with her doctor. I don't see the point in discussing your concerns with your wife. If she is really slipping into Alzheimers, discussing it with her will do no good and may upset her.
You're probably used to discussing everything with your wife, as a good partner should. But this is different. Imagine if the tables were turned; how would you feel if she asked you the same questions. Defensive? Scared? Angry? Confused? What would be the point of that?
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Questor
Report

Does your wife make statements such as, What is wrong with me? Why can't I figure this out? If she is aware of becoming forgetful, then I would bring it up to her gently. If your wife is in denial about her memory, ask her if she needs help. She may confess if she sees you want to help her.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Onlychild2024
Report

If symptoms of dementia and cognitive decline are obvious and affect how your wife functions, be sure she is safe in her daily life. If meals and math and check writing can be handled by others, your sife does ot need to do them. Step in wherever necessary to help your wife manage tasks of daily living and try to minimize situations that cause confusion and agitation. Telling her she is slipping may upset her and make her angry. As others have said it may depend upon whether your wife is someone who would want to know about and deal with her own decline or whether she would be happier to have difficulties and roadblocks managed for her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to RedVanAnnie
Report

Honestly, I see no purpose in discussing with her, she most likely won't absorb what you are saying anyway and she cannot make any changes, her brain is broken.

With my step-mother we just went with the flow, paying attention and adjusting as needed, there is no getting better with this disease.

Sending support your way.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to MeDolly
Report

As you state, you don't know what this indicates.
It would be best for her to see a neurologist and get a real diagnosis, so that you know how to manage it moving forward. It could be any of a number of things, and having a clearer understanding would be helpful.

As for discussing it with her, I would approach it as you have any other serious discussions over the course of your life together. You know her, you have a special bond. You can gently question her or point out when she has a moment of confusion, and ask her how she sees it.
Depending on her current state of mind, if she is able to understand, she may wish to be knowledgeable about her condition, and involved in the decisions for her ongoing treatment and care.
Generally, with dementia, it is best not to argue with the person's inaccurate reality, as it only confuses them more, or could be very upsetting. For instance, arguing that she's wrong when she doesn't understand is pointless and a futile argument.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ
Report

It depends on your LO. I was always honest with my father and mother regarding their health. If they don't accept my explanation, I would try different ways of describing it. My mother always had something going on. Although my father was healthier, once he was diagnosed with dementia, he decided to fight it. He spent 16 years overcoming it daily.
So it does depend on your loved one. Honesty is always the best policy.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Greeneyes60
Report

First step is to see her doctor begin testing. There are conditions that can mimic dementia. And at 89 there are some things that may be considered "normal"
You can ask her if she has noticed that she is having problems recently. She may admit it she may not.
Be supportive, do not argue or dismiss her concerns.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter