My wife has not been professionally diagnosed with dementia. However, changes have been obvious to family members and myself. She can no longer do simple math, write a check or plan meals. She follows current events but becomes very confused if the issues are complicated. I am not savvy enough to discern if these changes are early indicators of dementia or just part of growing old.
My concern is this: if I discuss these changes with her, will it upset her and make matters worse, or is it better for her to be aware that she is changing?
That way you can get her to a health provider who may see signs of something else.
With my step-mother we just went with the flow, paying attention and adjusting as needed, there is no getting better with this disease.
Sending support your way.
I see no upside in discussing things with her. It will most likely upset her. As a family we just went with the flow. Accept her for where she is at.
Mom was able to assist with meal making for years even though she could not meal plan or cook a burger. She could peel potatoes for years if someone pulled out the potatoes and gave her a peeler and if all of the sandwich ingredients were put on the counter still make sandwiches.
You know your wife a great deal better than we do. When it IS really some early dementia is the point that you will see, usually, a good deal of pushback on any suggestion there are changes.
SLUMS and MOCA tests, with their easy questions, are on youtube, if you wish to play a few word games with your wife that may give you some indications. Or asking her for instance to draw a clock with a set time, say 12:30. You can do some minimal things.
It's important now to find out if you are missing, because of no MD involvement, some simple explanations such as Urinary Tract Infection. So I would address this with wife's doctor if you feel she isn't open to discussing it with you.
People differ. When my brother began his journey into Lewy's Dementia he WANTED to talk, see MD, learn. He knew that early stages was when he could plan for his own protection and my help. He knew and saw subtle changes in driving, in balance, in strange dreams that were waking dreams in his words (he was having hallucinations, especially at night). So people definitely differ in their receptivity to what they are already feeling in subtle changes. Many of us run to our doctors saying "I left the gas on the stove! I can't ever find my keys! I put things in safe places and can't remember then where the safe place is" and doctors will work a bit with them and reassure them they are having normal aging changes. But as I said, people DIFFER, and you know wife better than we do. As does her Doc.
Please talk with her doctor because maybe Aricept or Memantine would help her. As for her awareness, my husband was very aware of his own cognitive decline. He's an analytic type who was able to figure it out and also decide how he wishes to be cared for as his disease progressed. Many try to conceal it. It's all individual.
So it does depend on your loved one. Honesty is always the best policy.
So it does depend on your loved one. Honesty is always the best policy.
You're probably used to discussing everything with your wife, as a good partner should. But this is different. Imagine if the tables were turned; how would you feel if she asked you the same questions. Defensive? Scared? Angry? Confused? What would be the point of that?
It would be best for her to see a neurologist and get a real diagnosis, so that you know how to manage it moving forward. It could be any of a number of things, and having a clearer understanding would be helpful.
As for discussing it with her, I would approach it as you have any other serious discussions over the course of your life together. You know her, you have a special bond. You can gently question her or point out when she has a moment of confusion, and ask her how she sees it.
Depending on her current state of mind, if she is able to understand, she may wish to be knowledgeable about her condition, and involved in the decisions for her ongoing treatment and care.
Generally, with dementia, it is best not to argue with the person's inaccurate reality, as it only confuses them more, or could be very upsetting. For instance, arguing that she's wrong when she doesn't understand is pointless and a futile argument.
You can ask her if she has noticed that she is having problems recently. She may admit it she may not.
Be supportive, do not argue or dismiss her concerns.