Why does my mother ask me to do everything for her but does not ask my siblings?

How old is your mom? Is she in AL or LTC? Has she been diagnosed with dementia? Are you PoA for both medical and financial? Knowing this will help the community give you the most appropriate answers.

I actually think it is better for you to be the central organizer for how and when your siblings help...at least they seem open to it! You are in the best position know exactly what your mom *really* needs (and its not brushing her teeth or doing her hair as the facility can do that). Think of what will benefit her the most and is easiest for the family to do. Send out a group email so that everyone gets the same communication from you at the same time and please sound grateful when asking for their help. They can't read your mind for what you need help with. Ask them if there's anything they'd be willing to do that's not on your list, like bring their kids over to do something fun with Gramma or take her out to lunch, etc. I'm an actual only child and I manage care for 4 seniors over 85. Two of them are out of state. The only way it gets done is with good communication and gratitude. I realize you are feeling burnt out and your mom's complaints are draining you. My mother has always been a complainer and I just don't listen to it. You don't have to listen to it or internalize it. You're not responsible for her happiness. Only for her care. Now go write up that list of what help you think your mom really needs!

Because you don't have any boundaries, and you don't say no. She has it all figured out. Why not, back off a bit, let the staff do more for her. You are killing yourself and suffering from F.O.G.=Fear>Obligation>Guilt...fear leads to obligation, fear and obligation lead to Guilt. Guilt will ruin your life. Please start taking care of you! My Best!

If Mom is in a skilled nursing facility, you shouldn’t have to do anything but visit. This is why these facilities charge thousands a month. She will not receive the kind of care she would in her home from you, but I’d guess her care is passable. If it’s not, you have every right to call a Care Conference and find out why and you should do this rather than stepping in and taking over her care yourself if that’s what you’re doing. As for fighting with the nursing staff, find out when the house doctor is there. When he/she is, be there also and discuss Mom’s meds with them. Nurses have to do as they are told, as the script is written by the doctor. They’re just following orders.

If you are visiting every day for hours, step back. Mom has come to rely on you too much. As long as you make yourself so available, she will continue to use you.

You cannot force your siblings to help. They will either outright refuse or ignore you. I would not plead with them or force them. I would save yourself the anger and anguish and write them off.

Repeat after me...
NO....say it again. NO....Look in the mirror and say it.
When you go visit if your mom needs help call an aid. That is what she/you are paying them for. And I can assure you that if/when you are there they will not respond quickly because they are used to you doing things for mom that they would normally do. And you can bet that mom probably tells them ..oh Jeanfastbrush will do that when she comes today. So you will have to retrain both groups to understand you are not going to do hands on care.
Another reason not to do so is IF something were to happen to you or mom it is possible that the facility would not cover any injury.
So lets try this again, and practice until you can say it easily ...NO, I can not help you to the bathroom. I will get an aid to help you.
NO, I can not help you shower. I will get an aid to help you.
NO, I can not do your laundry. (although if you want to do this take it home and return clean laundry later in the week) And you might even want to give one of the siblings the laundry duty.

Simple! If you’re like me, you are the ‘dependable’ one who has done the most.

I was in the same position with my mother, so I've given a lot of thought to this question.

One of my sisters said she wanted to be asked. Not by me, but by my mother. The idea of helping out to make things easier for me did not appeal to her.

My mother didn't ask her, or my other local sister, because she was not as comfortable with them. My sibs also didn't volunteer, and that made my mother less inclined to ask them. I was the first to step up, and the more I helped her, the more I grew familiar with Mom's habits and wishes, and the more comfortable she became letting me help her with things. My mother made no secret that she would rather have me help her or accompany her places than my siblings. Of course this further discouraged them from volunteering.

You can try to draw one or more of your siblings in by asking them to take specific chores off your plate. I've done that. You can make yourself unavailable and suggest to your Mom that she call one of your siblings to help her out. I've done that too. It worked somewhat, in some circumstances. In the end I think I just accepted that I had a relationship with Mom that none of my siblings had. I'm now the one who has her ashes on a shelf in my bookcase in my bedroom.

I wish you luck working this out with your Mom and your siblings.

You are the one she trusts to get the job done. You are devoted, loving and responsible to a fault. You can't really blame your siblings for letting you do all the work - you continue to do it so well - even though it's killing you. That said, my heart aches for you. I am in a similar situation in that I too, have accepted all the responsibility for my loved ones.

You need make the decision to save yourself. Allow the NH to do their job. Decide on day or two a week and tell those who care for your Mother that you will no longer be spending as much time with her. If you're concerned, then just stop by on different days and then they won't be "ready" when they know you're coming. I know this is easier said than done, but believe me, if you don't set boundaries, it WILL affect your health. Someone on this forum once told me the same thing - and it has. You are crying out for help and you know what you need to do. Please Jean, your Mother has lived her life. You deserve to live yours too. 💙💙

I'm with you 100 percent except you have the advantage of going home to get away from the stress. I have my mother 24/7 and am isolated waiting on her hand and foot. If i were in your shoes, i would simply not go to see her nor would i answer her calls. Maybe out of desperation she will finally call on your siblings. I would also ask to be relieved as POA. I am poa for my mother and hate it. Sorry you have to go through this.

This is very sad. And challenging. How often do you go to the NH? Maybe too often? Are there any of these things that you like and/or want to do for her? If not, gotta lay down the law and refuse to do it. Leave the room. Take a little walk. Go back home.

If you have been doing these things, maybe let the staff know (maybe in writing if you've had issues with them) that you will no longer be doing x, y and z for your mom. Is she unable to do some of those things like brushing her teeth and hair? Or is it for attention? Control? IDK, just wondering.

Is there anything she likes to do that you can do with or for her? Play cards? Read to her? Take her on a walk outside? If so, maybe you could say that although you're not going to brush her teeth you would like to do X with her instead. Something more fun and less care giver like for both of you.

Sorry, battery giving out so didn't read responses.

You have to set the boundries. She is in a NH all you need to do is visit. She has to allow the staff to do their jobs. She is now provided with her toiletries, depends and laundry services. If on Medicaid she gets a $50 allowance. POA does not mean caregiver. You are enabling her. Put the laundry in the facilities hands. Really, whatever soap they use takes out stains and smells mine couldn't. When u do that, plan a trip and go. Mom will be cared for.

Talk to the doctor that prescribes her meds. The staff is only following doctors orders. Always talk to the Director of Nursing if not getting anywhere with the charge nurse.

I'm in a similar situation and it stinks! I'm the only one visiting regularly and so I get all the chores, all the "take me here"s, all the "I can't find"s, every complaint, and every rude comment. Also have to deal with the staff, who can't even take a proper phone message and have chips on their shoulders. When mom sees my siblings a couple of times a year (we're all within 12 miles of her facility), they get all the hugs and kisses and kind words. She'll ask them to do something and they'll smile and say "absolutely not - I have a life." She'll just smile back and dump it on me. Yet, these are the same siblings who jump down my throat if I ever DARE to ask for help or complain about always being the one to do things for her. I'm told I don't appreciate her and - my personal favorite - "You'll be sorry you were so mean when she's gone." Mean?! Seriously?!

That is the question of the century. When my mom was in the nursing home, she made sure to get on the good side of most all the staff and saved all the complaints for me-as if she was fooling someone. AL facilities have seen it all and then some. Since she was only there 6 weeks, she didn't get many visitors from family. But after a few weeks I wouldn't go in but every other day. She started comparing me to all the 'girls' there and of course I fell short.
I would step back like others have suggested and I wouldn't beat yourself up because no one else is stepping up or volunteering. Do what you can and leave the rest to the nursing staff.
It's hard but try to get on their good side at the AL/NH and get them in your pocket. It has to be a team effort but that doesn't necessarily mean related team members. It is sad but people often who you don't have history with are the best ones to turn to.
Be present but don't let this consume you.
Also, let mom know you have other things to do too. (even if you don't) just being home resting or watching tv or reading is something else to do. Or just BEING.

Simple answer is, she asks you because she knows you’ll say yes. I think that’s pretty normal in a lot of families. There’s always someone who constantly needs something and there’s always athat one person who will never say no! You are the one who won’t say no, but your siblings will. Different situation but I’ve got certain family members who always go to the same family member when they need something. Because they know she won’t say no. They know better than to ask me because I have no problem saying no. If they ask me, it’s always a last resort.

its hard to say no to your parents. It took me a long time before I learned to say no myself. But you’ve got to learn to say no and set boundaries. Your mother is in LTC, there’s no reason you should be wearing yourself out taking care of your mom.

Consider why she is in a NH. She needs help,and she has people there to help her.Don't go every day. In fact try not going 2 days in a row. this is not to be unkind, but to let her understand that ,"no, I will not be the only person to help you. Call a sibling. Say, "I can't go in to see Mom next week. I went for 3 weeks in a row. It's your turn."

.....POA....Living Trust....You are the Only One, hun, Your Siblings probably don't Wish to Be Bothered and Don't Have to be, Sadly..God Bless you.

Why does your Mom only ask you to help? Because she knows you will. The only way to escape is to say no. Your other siblings refuse. That is why she does not bother to ask.
Frankly, I would forget siblings. You cannot make them help and more importantly, they should not have to. Your Mom is paying a facility to care for her. They should, and will, attend to her.
Fade into the background and allow the facility to do what they are paid to do.

It's amazing to me that the adult child of a parent with dementia who does the most in the family, such as you described, appear to end up feeling worse than their siblings who may do very little for the sick parent. This adult child may experience personal burnout, PTSD, health related illnesses, guilt from feeling they fell short of how well they wish they could have taken care of such parent or all of the above. Meanwhile, their siblings appear unscathed and did the least! It's so cruel and infair for that adult child to be marginalized, even by some in this blog, suggesting if only he/she established boundaries then this problem would be resolved. Unfortunately, boundaries don't matter much when your parent trusts or depends most in that one person. Boundaries cannot fix other issues either such as: if there is no one else left to help or unwilling to help, then what? And boundaries cannot address the differences in families who have different cultural expectations! But boundaries is a wonderful theoretical perspective for those who belong to a culture where that is a valued norm. Unfortunately, for some of us primarily belonging emotionally to another culture even if we live in America, boundaries would be considered in that specific culture cruel, disloyal, lacking in care of that parent, irresponsible, and so many more negative connotations that the adult child is left to choose each day which culture should he/she fit in today. He/she many times cannot fit in both worlds simultaneously. And living in one world only like America doesn't make one give up emotionally their primary cultural experience even if they tried. Our heritage and cultural heritage is ingrained from our childhood and will stay with us throughout our lifetime. Just thought folks ought to consider not piling on more psychological expectations of how best to resolve a problem to a caregiver who is already experiencing burnout or PTSD or both. MariaD

All excellent advice given. You don’t say how often you go but my bet would be it’s nearly every day. That's why she is so dependent on you. There is no need to do that. Some people do that because they like being needed. Step back and evaluate why you go so often. The amount of money being paid for her care should not necessitate you going so often. Also, if you have PTSD as you say, you need to ask for a Care Conference ASAP. Discuss her medication and also the staff needing to step in because your visits will be less often. Be sure the doctor attends the conference.
I know that dealing with NH staff and gooofs are so frustrating as I’ve experienced it myself. But I don’t let them get away with it. They will probably be glad to see my dad die so I’ll quit bugging them about the things they let fall through the cracks. Even the billing gets messed up.
anyway, bottom line is, stop going so often, tell your siblings that mom would like them to visit and assign a day.
No one can take advantage of you unless you let them.

Perhaps your mother trusts you more than anyone else...because you have done so much for her and gone to bats for her. It's problematic compliment, isn't it? I am sorry that you are in this predicament.

My mother, also in a nursing home, has only me to oversee the care she receives, etc. It's not a good time in my life, or hers. I, like you, wish my mother would "fade into her next life" while she is sleeping.

I have to keep in mind that the (woefully underpaid and overworked) staff are just "doing their jobs" -- the over-medication is a direct result of the doctor's instruction. The doc has seen her 2x in 5 months -- and likely makes 20x what most CNAs make. Here's to raising their pay to (at least) $15 per hour, yes?

Best to you.

Would it be wrong to call a sibling and say,"Mom wants some help with_____________?" Is that a lie? Mom wants the help and you can't do everything,

You might consider moving her to another facility. Perhaps she has gotten on the bad side of the help there. My sister is in a facility with a paralyzed right side and left hand. She has a stomach hernia and has to be fed slowly. But an aid said "She throws up on purpose". The aids are not nurses. They aren't paid much and it is an unpleasant job. Perhaps a fresh start at another place would help. My other sister (a retired nurse) is the only family that lives close to her. She goes in once a week. I have urged her to go in during the middle of the week because the weekend help doesn't seem to know anything. I will be moving in with my daughter soon, and am worried about how I will be treated. It appears I have to choose between severe isolation and a constant rain of criticism. I don't know how to get my daughter to be my friend. Such is life getting older. I curse my husband for deserting me and leaving me in this situation. The Bible is right in saying that divorce is violence. Sorry I got off topic but I need to vent every once in a while.

They are not going to volunteer, and its not because they dont love her. But if you are her primary they are going to leave it all up to you. I took care of my mom for 3 years. If I néeded anything like prescription and such then my brother qould drop everything and get it for her. Clothing and such nut other than that the primary care was left up to me. I was burnt out completely. No one wants to deal with the fact that she is dying and to face that reality. Your mom ask you to do things because she can count on you no matter how tired you are. Unfortunately if its you now unless you say something it will be you until the end. If you really want the help have a meeting with them or your mom wont get the quality of care she needs. God bless, hope this helps.

I get this and share your feelings - the PTSD, stress, depression and all the things that go along with caring for someone - even if they are in a facility. I, too, have siblings but two are not in the area and the other one will not even go to visit. So, why do I feel responsible even though it seems like it's slowly killing me? I tried to explain it to my husband the other night. My Mom is like a child now, I'd say the equivalent of a 4 year old. She is not able to appropriately express if something is bothering her. She feels abandoned when no one comes to see her, even if it is only a day. She doesn't have a good sense of time. She doesn't know to refuse stool softeners even if she's in the bathroom 5 times in a day. Would I leave a 4 year old with a babysitter for days when they don't really know her all that well? Of course not. I am her advocate, the person she trusts and believes she can count on. And, even though I feel like it's draining me, I know she would do the same for me if she was still able. I think the most difficult thing is, unlike a child, Mom is never going to "grow up". So, we'll continue to do what we feel we need to so our parents are safe and cared for in a way that they should be, because we love them. Not a happy scenario but one that I feel I'll be OK with after all is said and done. Best to you and, if there's any comfort in this - know you are not alone.

Frankly you need professional help for yourself. In any situation a person needs to take care of their own mental and physical health first, before they can be of value to others. Get help.

Could be you are the most caring one. my husband was and is like this with
his mother which is in a nursing home now., but before that he was always
supportive of her making sure she had what she needed, but he was the one
that the other siblings looked down on. Some way , somehow these kinds of people will be rewarded one day.

First, I want to make sure you are not suffering guilt about wishing your mother to pass in her sleep. This too comes with Caregiving.

RE: 8 brothers & sisters: Oftentimes, the parent will choose one child to do everything but don't feel bad, feel flattered. You're the one she wants to be there 24/7 with her as much as for her. And it's common for the parent to prefer the child to assist as opposed to a nurse/stranger, especially with hygiene.

Be angry if you must, but hold your head up high and "lord it over" the other children. Later, after your mother has passed, your siblings will try to cry on your shoulder - and it will be up to you if you allow it. Personally, I told my father and my DH that No One will cry on my shoulders after they each passed. Everyone could have been there with me or even instead of me had they wanted to have quality time while Pop & DH were still here. Lamenting to me after the fact was not an option for me and I cut DH's children from my life. My sisters did try and we still get along great. But I cut Pop's brother from my life too. It allowed me to keep my sanity. Pop's only brother could have done more, even if only calling and the same goes for DH's children. Calling me after they passed? No. I will not grant absolution for their neglect of their LO's.

I understand how you feel because I’m in the same situation lol. I’m 20 years old and have been taking care of my grandfather for 7 years and my grandmother for 9. But before that my mother would always ask me to do things because I was the second oldest and the one to always do what i was told when I was asked. Soon, my mother called me more than my 4 other siblings and it use to make me so made. I would bring it up and she would brush it off and say “well your older more responsibility” The same thing with my grandmother. Because my siblings ignore her a lot when she calls I go in their place to see what she wants. Now she has got accustomed to calling me 24/7. I have no job, I don’t know how to drive, or never had a further education, only highschool and I have an illness in my head that causes constant pressure and pain .
So a lot of times like right now I get very angry and bitter at my grandmother because she asks me to do everything. But... I get my strength through Jesus Christ. When I received him a couple of months ago he made it even more bearable to deal with her even when I wanted to quit. He has shown me his love and his grace during the whole process even now. I was feeling quite bitter and angry toward her because I had to bed wash her in the morning. But everyday I ask the Jesus Christ to give me strength to make it through and he does! I noticed that she calls on me all the time because she knows that I answer to her and not my siblings. She trusts me more to help her out because I have been around her more than them. Can it be annoying sometimes? Yes! It can lol. But I pray and ask Jesus to help me with my every need because I know this is something that he wants us to do. Pray and tell Jesus how you feel. He listens and understands and when you trust and rely on him he will give you the strength to continue

You need to call in "sick" once in a while because this situation is truly bad for your health. Let the nursing home staff know that you can't do so much personal care even if your mom insists. Let her hair go unbrushed for a day. As far as your siblings are concerned, maybe it's enough for them to visit your mother on a regular basis. As for the laundry, hire it out if you can afford it.

There is no mention of what mom's medical condition is - does she have dementia or some other medical issue(s) that require a NH? If it is a combination, the dementia alone can result in her asking you all the time because you are the one she is most familiar with, especially having provided her care for 6 years. Out of sight, out of mind - our mother still asks about my brothers, but without "reinforcement", she forgot who two of her granddaughters were (they are the youngest as YB was 10 years younger than me. She lived near them and doted on/babysat them for a long time, yet when doing Xmas cards and we got to theirs, she read the names and asked who are they? I was able to get some recent pix and those at least brought back some memory of them.)

Question about siblings - you say "My siblings never volunteer to take over some of the tasks but instead want to be asked to do these things." Do they want mom to ask? That may/may not happen. IF this is the issue, you can try gently suggesting she ask for them - over time it might sink in. If they are looking to you to ask, then draw up a list of things they can do to help you and provide it to them. They can choose from that list what they might consider doing. If not, well then join the crowds here who feel like only children. We can't force them to help. We can only realize they won't and try to let the anger, etc go, because your anger doesn't hurt them, it only hurts you.

As others have suggested, perhaps back off visiting or visit at times when she is less likely to need your "help." Brushing teeth should be done after meals, before bed. Don't go then. Laundry? Find out what day the NH does laundry and show up after - then there is no laundry to do! If she "holds" it for you, take it out of the room, but give it to staff, don't take it home. The cost of the facility pays for this.

My two brothers don't really contribute much. One isn't local, but the last time he was here and "visited" he refused to go again saying he "didn't know what to do with her." Mom is in MC, repeats herself often and has bad hearing, even with a hearing aid. I suspect even if he lived closer, he would not visit. Early on trying to manage getting her in-home care, providing supplies when we took the car away, going often and/or calling (1.5 hr drive each way), finding a place for her when she refused to let the aides in, getting her condo cleared out, cleaned up and repaired, while still visiting and managing finances (for her AND the condo), medications (staff doles it out, but it is less expensive to get it via her plan than the 'usual' NH suppliers), supplies the MC doesn't provide, etc became a bit much. 99.9% was on my plate. It took over a year and a half to get the condo on the market. When I told this brother it was all too much, his only response was 'give it up.' Not exactly helpful!! No plan for someone else to take over, no offer to do more, nothing. He is no longer welcome here due to his behavior when last here. YB provides some help, but often it requires multiple pings via phone, text, email to even get a response!

BTW - for all:
Having POA (either medical or financial or both) does NOT mean one has to provide ANY care-giving. POAs grant you the ability to make financial and medical decisions (what and when is determined by the document), pay bills, etc., but it does not require one to provide the actual care (details are unique to each document.) Providing some or all of the care and visiting comes from the heart - the time and care one gives is a personal choice. If one can't or doesn't want to provide any of it, so be it. We cannot change others, only ourselves.

When my mom was in Skilled Care , there was a schedule (mutually agreed upon based on work etc etc). There were 9 of us with only one out of town. Because my company just closed I took over feeding her breakfast every day. Tuesday was my dinner night. Everyone had a different night. There were 2 siblings who didn’t participate or if did, extremely limited. When you had your dinner night you stayed to make sure the CNAs brushed her teeth and put her to bed. If my mom wanted us to brush her teeth, we would have but she had aphasia and couldn’t speak. One sister who came Friday nights always did her nails. The one sister who came Monday’s (hairdresser) always did her hair. The one sister who was POA lived only a couple blocks away so she popped in at all different times, With a lot of hands it made visiting a wonderful time even though she didn’t speak. After my mom passed I had 1 free year then my friend ended up in AL then SC for a total of 5 years. I spent 7 days a week with him. The last 6 months I finally hired an outsider to take Fridays so I had a day off. But I also hired her to do a week every 3 months while I went to my house in FL for r&r. I don’t regret anything I did. You need to call a family meeting and work out very specific arrangements and duties. The squeaky wheel gets the oil. Sad to say in SC, those who have visitors get better treatment because you are watching over them like a hawk. You only have one mother and every one needs to remember that and pitch in. That will make your life easier. Hope my story helps.