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Primary caregiver for my mom who is in a retirement home waiting for a bed in long term care. In the meantime I’m there 3-4 times/week. Looking after setting up interim care, nurses, contact with drs, coordinator, checking out facilities, etc. Mom is also incontinent so there’s lots of laundry back & forth. My sister has never physically helped, nor offered help but did look after keeping family members updated. She asked to visit for 2 nights with her husband & special needs adult daughter, to attend a wedding & squeeze in a visit with mom. She lives 2 hrs away. I’m so tired/burnt out I said not a good time. Suggested waiting till we get mom settled and we can get back to normal. I just don’t have the energy to visit plus the extra work involved with guests. She was very upset with me; doesn’t get it & is now very hostile. She was angry about $$ for hotel. I’m now sorry I offered accommodation in the past for her to visit mom & feel like I’m now being used as a hotel.
She has a lot of health issues herself so I thought for sure she would understand.
im the oldest (76) & she’s the baby (66).
We have nothing in common & when together she constantly talks about her health & meds till I’m blurry eyed & worn out. We’ve been ok with each other till now but just can’t tolerate anyone else in the house right now. She has a nursing background of only 2 years but drives me crazy with wanting every minor detail. I’ve given her all the phone #s of drs, etc if wanting more info. It’s so exhausting & if I communicate via text/email, she misinterprets so now I phone with updates. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope with her & really fed up with her lack of empathy.


Am I being fair?

Yes you are being fair. Sometimes you MUST say NO and Move On! She can drive back home same day and be in her own bed By evening.
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Reply to Hardtodo
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Nope. Not being unfair when you set boundaries based on what you feel you can handle. Especially since the visit is primarily for a wedding and secondary is a squeeze in of Mom.
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Reply to Sweetstuff
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Yes, very fair and reasonable. As unpleasant as your sister's little tiff is now I'll bet you averted an even worse blow-up in your home if you'd caved and let her and her family check-in, I mean, "visit" you.

I hope she calms down and reconsiders her attitude. Good for you for maintaining sensible boundaries during a high-stress time.
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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Irish2 Jun 9, 2019
Thanks so much.
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If she were coming to visit you, she would have to accommodate your schedule and availability. That fact that she's actually not coming to visit you, but only using your home to avoid motel expenses, makes it even less acceptable for her to expect you to accommodate her despite the other demands on your energy. She's being unreasonable. I had the same issue with one of my out of town siblings who wanted to stay with me while ostensibly coming to visit Mom. I had to just say "no can do." She was put out, but she got over it.
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Reply to CarlaCB
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Irish2 Jun 9, 2019
Thanks Carla,
i do hope she gets over it.
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I think you did the right thing. Only better way would be to thank her for coming to relieve you for a few days and tell her you will leave her a to-do list on the counter while she is there and you are gone. LOL
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Reply to faeriefiles
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Irish2 Jun 10, 2019
👍
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Just came to me...you should have said "Great! you and daughter can help me with Mom" I bet next words would be...oh maybe it would be better to get a Hotel.
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Irish2 Jun 9, 2019
Yes I wish that would work. It’s always health problems that get in the way & day trips are too exhausting. The daughter does everything for her. If it were me I would let daughter sit in front with dad & id stretch out on back seat.
its all about her & her needs. I feel so betrayed by a sibling I thought would understand.
Thanks for taking the time to read!
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You have already said no to this proposed stay, yes?

Good.

Are you being fair...? Lol. Darling lady, you are being positively generous and forbearing. You said no, and explained. You did not say "f*** off! Like I need three more people in my house to cater for! Like I need my few leisure hours infested with your incessant self-centred whining! Do you ever engage your brain before you open your mouth?"

If she's sulking, let her. It'll give her a new grievance to tell her other victims about.

Are you invited to the wedding too?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Obnoxious and disappointing siblings are a common theme in this forum. You’re not alone!

You are being perfectly fair.

You probably would have welcomed her if she was a decent, thoughtful, fun guest. You may have felt differently if she would have helped or supported you more.

You have been through too much lately to put up with her annoying behavior in your own home also.

If she cant afford the hotel she has another option— come for a day (or shorter) trip! This is her problem (not yours)!
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Reply to ACaringDaughter
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Sweetheart You are 76. Give yourself a break
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Reply to PandabearAUS
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🤦🏼‍♀️ Remarkable that siblings feel entitled to stay with you because of your proximity to someplace ELSE they want to be. SMH. You did the right thing. You can’t be there for your mother if you run yourself to the ground taking care of everybody else, and you are right to resent the fact that she is oblivious to what you are going through (even though you told her).

She’s selfish. No way around it. Don’t bother expecting her to care, and you’ll feel all those conflicting feelings float off of you. You do what you need to do. She won’t help you, so she doesn’t deserve your help. At some point, we have to realize people are always revealing to us who they really are. Takers will keep taking, but it doesn’t need to be you that gets took.
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Irish2 Jun 13, 2019
Thanks so much for your support. Much appreciated!
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