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Primary caregiver for my mom who is in a retirement home waiting for a bed in long term care. In the meantime I’m there 3-4 times/week. Looking after setting up interim care, nurses, contact with drs, coordinator, checking out facilities, etc. Mom is also incontinent so there’s lots of laundry back & forth. My sister has never physically helped, nor offered help but did look after keeping family members updated. She asked to visit for 2 nights with her husband & special needs adult daughter, to attend a wedding & squeeze in a visit with mom. She lives 2 hrs away. I’m so tired/burnt out I said not a good time. Suggested waiting till we get mom settled and we can get back to normal. I just don’t have the energy to visit plus the extra work involved with guests. She was very upset with me; doesn’t get it & is now very hostile. She was angry about $$ for hotel. I’m now sorry I offered accommodation in the past for her to visit mom & feel like I’m now being used as a hotel.
She has a lot of health issues herself so I thought for sure she would understand.
im the oldest (76) & she’s the baby (66).
We have nothing in common & when together she constantly talks about her health & meds till I’m blurry eyed & worn out. We’ve been ok with each other till now but just can’t tolerate anyone else in the house right now. She has a nursing background of only 2 years but drives me crazy with wanting every minor detail. I’ve given her all the phone #s of drs, etc if wanting more info. It’s so exhausting & if I communicate via text/email, she misinterprets so now I phone with updates. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope with her & really fed up with her lack of empathy.


Am I being fair?

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Yes you are being fair. Sometimes you MUST say NO and Move On! She can drive back home same day and be in her own bed By evening.
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Nope. Not being unfair when you set boundaries based on what you feel you can handle. Especially since the visit is primarily for a wedding and secondary is a squeeze in of Mom.
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Yes, very fair and reasonable. As unpleasant as your sister's little tiff is now I'll bet you averted an even worse blow-up in your home if you'd caved and let her and her family check-in, I mean, "visit" you.

I hope she calms down and reconsiders her attitude. Good for you for maintaining sensible boundaries during a high-stress time.
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Irish2 Jun 2019
Thanks so much.
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If she were coming to visit you, she would have to accommodate your schedule and availability. That fact that she's actually not coming to visit you, but only using your home to avoid motel expenses, makes it even less acceptable for her to expect you to accommodate her despite the other demands on your energy. She's being unreasonable. I had the same issue with one of my out of town siblings who wanted to stay with me while ostensibly coming to visit Mom. I had to just say "no can do." She was put out, but she got over it.
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Irish2 Jun 2019
Thanks Carla,
i do hope she gets over it.
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Kudos to you. You know your limits. I have relatives like that. We are usually a stop over on the way to visit friend. SIL was never one for BILs side. Never have they visited just to see us.

I am to the point. Let them be mad, they will get over it or not. At 69 I don't care anymore. Love my one SIL but she has a sarcastic side. Ok for her to make comments to me but horrors if I do the same thing.
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2019
I have a similar situation, how dare I treat her like she treats me. The audacity!
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Just came to me...you should have said "Great! you and daughter can help me with Mom" I bet next words would be...oh maybe it would be better to get a Hotel.
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Irish2 Jun 2019
Yes I wish that would work. It’s always health problems that get in the way & day trips are too exhausting. The daughter does everything for her. If it were me I would let daughter sit in front with dad & id stretch out on back seat.
its all about her & her needs. I feel so betrayed by a sibling I thought would understand.
Thanks for taking the time to read!
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Thanks for all the support!
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👍
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It doesn’t matter whether you are unreasonable or not – you can’t do it right now. Say sorry, no, and let her worry about whether SHE was being reasonable.
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I think you did the right thing. Only better way would be to thank her for coming to relieve you for a few days and tell her you will leave her a to-do list on the counter while she is there and you are gone. LOL
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Irish2 Jun 2019
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Obnoxious and disappointing siblings are a common theme in this forum. You’re not alone!

You are being perfectly fair.

You probably would have welcomed her if she was a decent, thoughtful, fun guest. You may have felt differently if she would have helped or supported you more.

You have been through too much lately to put up with her annoying behavior in your own home also.

If she cant afford the hotel she has another option— come for a day (or shorter) trip! This is her problem (not yours)!
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I also find it hard to say no to family.

MY Sis also lives 2 hours away. Luckily has other accom options but expects her family to be fed. Txts at 5pm - are we coming for tea? We didn't make plans. Ok, but bring a pizza then. If you'd let me know IN ADVANCE I would have cooked you all a meal.

Last time I said, look, I am just worn out from all that's been going on here. (Our lives are similar :) I am having an early night. Go see Mum & other Sis. See me next time. She was put out, but so be it.

I figure she can choose to value my honesty or not. If she is offended, that's also her choice. I was polite.

Just because your sister has always stayed with you doesn't give her the right to assume your home is available for her use anytime it suits HER. Assumptions can cause resentment. It is always nice to be asked - shows respect.

The way forward will be to clearly state this time just doesn't work for you & so you can't do it. But hopefully next time we can find a weekend that suits us BOTH.
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It might be worth using the opportunity to deal with the future. ‘Things are becoming so tiring for me that I don’t think I can keep doing this. It’s probably better for us to sort this out now, so that you know to make different arrangements next time you come to see Mom’. You don’t want to have to go through this again, and perhaps sister and her husband will realise that you are needing support as things progress. Dealing with the situation is general is better than ending up making criticisms of a particular visit.
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You have already said no to this proposed stay, yes?

Good.

Are you being fair...? Lol. Darling lady, you are being positively generous and forbearing. You said no, and explained. You did not say "f*** off! Like I need three more people in my house to cater for! Like I need my few leisure hours infested with your incessant self-centred whining! Do you ever engage your brain before you open your mouth?"

If she's sulking, let her. It'll give her a new grievance to tell her other victims about.

Are you invited to the wedding too?
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Sweetheart You are 76. Give yourself a break
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I'd say "Get a hotel" Cant be that expensive surely?
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Irish2 Jun 2019
Wow, didn’t realize how common this problem is. I can’t thank all of you enough for your responses! For the past few nights I’ve actually been able to get some decent sleep! My conscience is clear & I know I did the right thing now.
From my heart to yours “thank you”.
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Stick to your guns, let them get a hotel, it is not that expensive, don't let her use you....you have enough on your plate. If she is upset...so be it.
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She lives only two hours away and she's throwing a fit because she can't stay with you!? I'm so relieved for you that you said no! If she ever asks/demands again, perhaps you might consider taking a deep breath and telling her why she can't stay with you: not helpful to you or to your mother, not empathetic to your needs, it's all about her, etc.
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Irish2 Jun 2019
Thank you for your response!
I will certainly give it a lot of thought before I respond to her next request.
Her lack of caring for my feelings and well being really hurt!
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🤦🏼‍♀️ Remarkable that siblings feel entitled to stay with you because of your proximity to someplace ELSE they want to be. SMH. You did the right thing. You can’t be there for your mother if you run yourself to the ground taking care of everybody else, and you are right to resent the fact that she is oblivious to what you are going through (even though you told her).

She’s selfish. No way around it. Don’t bother expecting her to care, and you’ll feel all those conflicting feelings float off of you. You do what you need to do. She won’t help you, so she doesn’t deserve your help. At some point, we have to realize people are always revealing to us who they really are. Takers will keep taking, but it doesn’t need to be you that gets took.
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Irish2 Jun 2019
Thanks so much for your support. Much appreciated!
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Yes you are being fair.. if it was only your sister coming to see your mother that's one thing bring the husband an additional special needs adult.. that's overstepping it considering the immediate circumstances.. she hopefully will come to the understanding that you are emotionally and physically drained at this time.. my thoughts are with you.. caregiving is tough stuff.. I have a condescending older brother that works my last nerve sometimes!
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Just a thought...I might say "your welcome to stay but ur on your own. Because of Mom I have no time to clean, make beds or meals.

Really, I wouldn't mind people using my house if they took care of themselves and didn't expect me to entertain.
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2019
I used to feel the same way, until I got sick of the messes left for housekeeping to clean.

Sone actually left uncovered food in one of my good pans in the fridge, knowing I was gone for 3 months, that was the last time I was generous with my home. It was really gross.
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