What's wrong with me?

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What's wrong with me?

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As you know Im back and fourth on my decisions, always questioning if it was the right ones. When I start pulling myself out of a mess, thinking "Ok, I can do this, it will be hard, I may hurt others ( adults) in my decisions but Im slowly doing this" And BOOM!!! Something happens in the family and I doubt my decision, I go back to what they want. I keep falling I get up to take a baby step and get kicked back two...

Get help? Get Counseling??????When, when Im yelled at for going anywhere other then his house????????? (This is my only savior, you all. Even though your not counselors etc.. been to plenty of those to in my life..) Its always a " go, tend to your family, I dont want you to give up your life for me, live , get a job, go with that good girlfriend of yours to dinner" In a sweet loving voice, then when I do" I later hear " well, I let you do all these things so dont blame me" in a sarcastic and upset voice because I wasnt paying attention to him?" Back and fourth always.Always been this way? YES!!!!!Even when my dad was a liitle boy....

Is it just grandpa? No..its everything else too.. Ive said and done things I never ever thought I would do. I never had a mind frame like I have. I have always wanted to help but when I get upset I let go... that was never the old me.. no I never beat up anyone nor will I. My mouth is nasty when I cant hold it in..Im far from an Angel...but I never thought I was the Devil....I have two kids with issues, one is like 2 at min kids in one, when violent..he's 3/4 kids.. dad with health issues, grandpa health issues, sister has issues, other family, friends, me, ( oh my health?) My health is worse, I mentioned I been having extra bleeding.. well, now off and on daily my stomach has a slight dull pain, like if you sleep on your stomach or back for 24 hours or more and dont move. Idk how to explain it. Im having chest pain again, but I think its my heartburn/acid reflux issue, maybe even panic attacks.

I was following your advice Im trying.. I had it in the writing and figuring out process. What does it matter? Was I put here to annoy and ruin peoples lives? Was I born to be a punching bag? I hate the person I am now, I hate the person I have been, I hate when I lost my dreams and plans out the window... Middle school because it all built up...

My thoughts... I just felt like everybody would do better if I wasnt around....Like Im ruining everybodys life.

Mental Health

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It sounds like you could really use a hug about now. I think your self esteem has really taken a huge hit and over time, you feel horrible about yourself. I think that there are just some people that you can't please, no matter what you do. Please take care of yourself and get the help you desperately need. {{{HUGS}}}}

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Everyone has issues. Every family has issues. It's not just your family.

You aren't responsible for your grandfather's behavior.

I remember the stress that you describe. I remember it well because one night I called 911 because I thought I was having a heart attack. I had chest pain over several hours and I really thought I was having a heart attack. Turns out I was only under too much stress. Stress wears and tears on the body if it's not relieved.

Try not to let others define who your are. Make the best decisions you can with the information that's available and then stand by them. You care and love your family and you can't really go wrong if you are doing your best by them. Know in your heart that you are doing everything you can and let others with opinions be damned.

Stand up for your decisions and for your opinions. Your decisions and opinions matter as much as anyone else's.

Have you seen your Dr. about how you're feeling? Try to make that a priority. Maybe your Dr. can prescribe an anti-depressant for you.

And we're always here too. :-)

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STRESS! Your message just yells stress. It will make you think you are crazy.Stress does have physical consequences. Ask yourself when was the last time you had 8 hours of UNINTERRUTED sleep? Sleep deprivation will also cloud your thinking and emotions. When was the last time you took time out for just yourself WITHOUT feeling guilty about it? If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will. If your family doesn't like it , what are they going to do?? Not talk to you, heck that might be to your advantage. Family should build each other up not try to tear each other down. If a family member is negative to you and nonsupportive then maybe you should consider limiting how much contact you have with that person,you would avoid poison ivy wouldn't you? You do the best you can and if others aren't happy that's their problem. My narcissistic mother lives with me and I have had to put boundaries on her behavior just to survive mentally and emotionally,that is the only way our living arrangement will exist because her only other options are now a NH, she is to feeble now for AL. I am an only child and she is an only child, I also have no children so her options are limited and her threats are toothless.I do treat her with respect but that goes both ways, fortunately she doesn't have dementia,make sure her needs are met, her needs not always her wants as I am no longer a teenager and have health problems myself. Take care of yourself.

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Thanks everyone.. How can I be depressed when there are times I actually do smile, well rarely and can get something done? I took a quiz and some answers I couldnt say yes or no to because it was just a two part answer, said some signs depression. But again, Im not just sitting here locked in a room. Denial?

Thanks for the hug Roxanne. I have no self esteem and no confidence.

I know everyone has issues, I just cant seem to keep mine under control. Or balanced or something.Eyerishlass, sorry you went through that and panic attacks I never understood until now. At least I think Im having them idk. No, no Drs, no money. Gpa said he pay for it this month but he got hos house painted, so Im maybe next month. His funds are low and he needs them.

Yup... soooo much stress texarkana!!! No, I have had bad sleep even before caring for grandpa, so I haven't gotten a full 8 hours in soo long! Before I had kids when I would spend the night out I had no guilt.. well ok, I did because I was made to feel bad about it even it was with female friends! I wish you luck with your mom, sorry your still going through it as well

Thanks everyone...

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Oh and I already got blasted this morning and it couldn't wait until I was out of the shower.. had to blast me then and there.. yet caregiver doesn't get yelled at for it!!! She was there she coulda made new coffee as hes almost out of grinds anyways and he says" if it was made yesterday no need today unless gone or he states ahead of time". I cant even shower or use the bathroom in piece, again, my son is acted up already this am and grandfather has plans all day today and morning to clean his house when I have to find everything and get kids ready for school Monday!!!

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Wow. You may feel like you are drowning in despair but that doesn't mean it has to be who you are, nor should you believe that these feelings are permanent. You can still be in control: of yourself and to some degree your environment. Carve out some private time for yourself: plan it or find it, every single day. Start with 15 minutes of uninterrupted peace. Outside in nature, or on the street where you can observe life. Just sit with yourself. Befriend yourself. Find the humor.

Today I observed myself as angry and my humor was pretty wild! I have to laugh at it now.

Do you have an activity you like to do? Take 10 minutes in the day and find something to do that takes your mind off of your obsessions. Read an uplifting writer. Contemplate one sentence or one positive affirmation.

Do one thing that will make your life different: try an exercise class at the senior center or recreation dept. Walk with a friend around the block. Call someone and have tea with them. Remember how to have fun again. Watch a comedy and laugh it all out! Get that energy into a different dance. Dance your joy. It's in you.
You're not a monster. You have feelings that are conflicting and uncomfortable.
Welcome to earth. We won't die with from those thoughts. You can change everything: everything within yourself.

After you uncover yourself you'll see some lightness there. A counselor could help you so much too. Come back and share your inner journey. All of us are reaching back to you with love and encouragement.

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Do. Not. Let. ANYONE. Make, You. Fell Guilty. About. Seeing. A. Counselor.

You are SOMEONE and you both deserve and need help with this. Do not use your family yelling at you as the reason you can't do something you need to, or have to do something that you really don't need to. Do not rule out depression just because you occasionally have the strength to overcome it. You are not a very good punching bag, I'm afraid...good punching bags just absorb all the punches without being hurt or complaining...but HUMAN BEINGS were not designed to be punching bags, or door mats. I mean come on, do YOU really think you are a bad person because you won't spend 100% of your time and energy trying to make your grandfather happy instead of anything else? What would YOU advise someone who was feeling the way you are to do or to think? What's wrong with you is you are letting other people with a vested interest in you staying depressed, defeated, and available for doing all the work and scapegoated for all the unhappiness do your thinking for you, because you are too afraid they might be right. But, this is NOT a pull your self up by your bootstraps speech - when you are depressed your boot straps aren't working that great. DO get help. You need perspective from someone outside of the family.

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I agree with the others - you sound pretty stressed. Something I try to keep in-mind is that I wasn't put here to make them happy. So, when they yell at you or are ungrateful, it's hard to remember that, but that's the thing that helps me. I'm just passing along that I keep reminding myself of that.

Along with that, while this forum might be helpful, I don't think there's anything that replaces getting out and doing something like joining a caregiver support group or doing something for yourself. Sure, they'll yell at you, but if you give up your own life for them, they won't be grateful and you'll continue to be miserable.

Then, you might wonder where you'll find the time to get out and join a support group or do something else for yourself. Make the time. Give up something you're doing for them and get that time.

Maybe you're about to say that you'd feel guilty if you did that. Fine. Feel guilty. Get out, do something for yourself, feel guilty, but I'm telling you that getting away from these people to get some perspective that there's something else out in the world to balance this can be really helpful - sometimes, it's a respite in a crazy week of doing for them to be able to do something else.

By the way, I'm kind of shy. I don't feel comfortable out with other people. However, even I find this gives me a break from the caregiving and some perspective that maybe I'm not actually the worst person the world, not the most hopeless, not really any more annoying than any other human being. Actually, hearing it from strangers on a regular basis really helps me. So, give it a try and see if it helps you, too. You can never tell.

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These replies are excellent. I just want to add that my first thoughts to you above did not mean that you don't need a counselor or better resources: carve out your peace and take time for yourself, yes, but without a counselor and setting boundaries without you feeling guilty or responsible for others won't do any good even if you could pull it off. Taking care of yourself is more than a few minutes of meditation and time in nature. Got to do the work of standing up to that family! But the meditation, exercise, friendships, etc will give you the strength to refuel and get
confident and strong.

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ME1000, regarding the chest pain you are having, it very easily could be heartburn/acid reflux, I have that problem also..... but if it doesn't go away after taking a Tums or similar, you might want to get yourself over to an urgent care office.

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juddabuddhaboo- You said " You may feel like you are drowning in despair but that doesn't mean it has to be who you are, nor should you believe that these feelings are permanent. You can still be in control: of yourself and to some degree your environment."........Im trying.. I think..I know, but its trying to find even 15 minutes, which I guess I do because those minutes Im here typing to you all complaining again! But you all are my sanity to help me by seeing a lot of you are going through similar things as me, others all care here, but, I know I need to get out and do something. I used to Volunteer but, cant even do that anymore. I know and I will try even for 10 minutes to start sitting back outside again( Im always busy at my house or when Im at his I have to "listen" for him, so outside is hard. But, a baby monitor was mentioned her so I will get one.

vstefans- I really liked how you said"You are not a very good punching bag, I'm afraid...good punching bags just absorb all the punches without being hurt or complaining...but HUMAN BEINGS were not designed to be punching bags, or door mats." But on the advise part, I believe I always tell others here and other people in general to" not allow it, get a voice, get a life, be happy, get help so you can have time for you, worry about you" I know, I dont take my own advice! Good point.

geo123- You said "Sure, they'll yell at you, but if you give up your own life for them, they won't be grateful and you'll continue to be miserable.Then, you might wonder where you'll find the time to get out and join a support group or do something else for yourself. Make the time. Give up something you're doing for them and get that time." ...I know, your right it will get worse I see its getting worse.

freqflyer- Its a good idea to try that if Im having pain again. Its hard not eating some of my fav foods, but you understand that! Ok, Ill try that next time.

Thanks all...

Oh... Guess what happened today? Went to lunch and had a little embarrassing blowup with dad.... everything is upsetting me, but he didnt have to get so upset with me over something! Uggh, just over stressed and Im scared to go in public because I just am not in the mood to be near people, talk with people etc. I hate this, like I said, I was never this way. Just want to crawl in a cave..

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I feel the same way. Especially today. She blames me every day that she is miserable. Keep feeling afraid of being punished, that her lies will be thought of as truth. It is her dementia. The family know I am doing the best I can. But being a punching bag is no fun. No matter how many times I tell myself that it is not me, it would be the same no matter who was here or where she was. She is miserable. I still feel responsible.

I have been angry for a week now. Cannot let it go. Resentments. Guilt for feeling this way. Yet, the solution is in my court. I have to find a way to defuse it so I do not retaliate. When I quit responding she has no power. So far that has not worked as well as I wished. Found myself getting angry today. Despite the number of time outs I have taken.

I am not giving up. It is my recovery, just as it is yours. We do recover. Get the professional help that is available. Here I have Southern Caregivers, look for something similar. They will support you.

I send you blessings. You are a value in this world. YOU ARE. We each are. Despite the onslaught we face when we choose to be a caregiver.

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i can remember apologising to both of my sisters at different times when really i was fighting for moms best interests and had nothing to apologise about . they were looking for controversy in the old sibling rivalry way and i denied them what they sought . it disoriented them so badly that we as i remember never had another problem after that . i had the control and they resented it ..
as jeanne said recently , " go along with them to get the help you need " . it isnt entirely honest but it works ..

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its a tense time for families . if you have leadership abilities nows the time to exercise them ..

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I would go for a walk in a quiet park or nature reserve regularly. Take deep cleansing breaths. The world will not come crashing down if you take time for yourself, and you MUST take time for yourself. If you wear yourself to a frazzle you will be of no use to anyone of the people pulling on you. Let them know this & care for yourself. Please.
You have worth and value. Don't let anyone tell you that you do not. Maybe time to put your little foot down. "I'm going to......., I will be back around......maybe., I'm taking a time out."
None of this is worth your life.
The pain in your chest may be an anxiety attack.
Peace and blessings to you dear.

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I had anxiety attacks two years ago whenever my mother had temper tantrums as a result of my setting up boundaries. But I kept setting boundaries and didn't back down. Since she IS capable of many things, I decided I'd just be "not the right person to ask" for her demands. She demands answers to things and I say, "I have no idea." Ha, she gets so frustrated it doesn't take her long to find someone else to pester. Then she says in a sarcastic voice meant to dig into me, "Well! I'll just ask so and so. They"ll know." I answer without guilt, "Good idea."

It took me a while to do this without guilt or defensiveness. I have detached enough now to do this better. Caregiving for me is not about caring, but developing a kind of apathy towards my mother's sick mind games. It seems that my lesson is not about DOING but letting go and not doing. It's a way to heal the unhealthy patterns I was taught in our dysfunctional family.

Over time I find I can develop a little more caring but I am very careful not to get caught up in her mind games. It's like walking a tight rope. Less is more for me.
many times I wish I were totally free of her already. Other times I cry and miss the mother I used to love.

Maybe this part of our life is Nature's built in way of all of us letting go and just being part of this process of life.

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ConnieSO- Sorry your going through these feelings to, hopefully today your doing better. I am glad you have someone to help you through this where your at. Your in my thoughts. Thank you

captain-Im glad you found a way to get your sisters to leave you alone. YOu were doing everything right and you shouldn't have had to apologize, but glad it worked. I believe I never had leaderships skill, I think because I have never been allowed to use them if I had them. Its like, the dreams I had, the ways I beleived in, I was never able to do them. Thanks you

LearningCurve- great advice and when you said Nature Reserve, thats so me! Well, used to be me! Im told to get out, even last night but when I take time out I get lectured and its used against me. Been home trying to clean and well, after sons 2 hours tantrums just been making me so sick, shaky , I dont sleep well at night either so I been sending dad to grandpas for company/food and grandpa is mad at me! I miss volunteering and going to the Zoo too, maybe one day again. Thank you

juddabuddhaboo- Sorry you went through being put down but Im glad you found a way to better deal with it. Im glad you got stronger and are taking everything carefully. You deserve to be happy hugs. Thank you for sharing what you have/are overcoming

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So, I am still down about me, nothing new. Grandpa is mad at me cuz I been down at my house sending my dad all day to feed him and give company..still there 11-12 hours a night. Havent got much done at my house because my son has been home and his violent tantrums yikes, Im worn out trying to relax before I have a nervous breakdown.( I know I just put this in dysfunctional families) So I know I want and need to work but grandpa is so mad when Im gone for to long, how do I work? He cant afford my future medical bills and if I dont go I will ruin my health worse. I of course dont get to much time with grandpa while hes awake but he doesnt understand Im still helping him at night even when hes asleep, I thought 11-12hours is still good. Yes straight and daily he can hire someone...wont though

He got mad and yelled at me sarcastically" what you want to see a Dr"!!!! YOu have no reason or excuse to be tired or up all night same as not having your house done or going to a movie once in a while" His repeatedly knocking my cooking etc.. even if he says" it was ok or good, BUT..."

I love him and my family but I dread going places, dread having to go there all day, dread even walking out my front door most times. Oh, my Aunt still wont email me back even though shes the one who also pushed for me to call for grandpas appt and yet, grandpa says I should call her when my aunt clearly made her feelings known towards me while this whole WILL thing was going on. Ya, its called Im permanently emailing her and only if there's an extreme emergency will I call her. Oh but, if grandpa dies, shes still in control of my kids tuition money/clothes etc and I have to call her to get it. Im doing headstands and cheers Im so overcome with joy!!!

*****grandpa just called and is all " sorry to bother you sarcastically said and is mad Im not running down there now. Theres no emergency the lady was suppose to be there until 8 min ago but yet again left around 8am or so. Agggh. Sorry

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Grandpa is going to be mad at you no matter what you do or don't do. So, do what makes sense and let him be as mad as he wants to be. His being mad should not rule your life or make your decisions for you.

Hope you can eventually patch things back up with your aunt. Some people are just rotten e-mailers...like MY family - and e-mail is my medium of choice! I used to love the listservs...oh well. But I digress. I'd approach her in whatever way is most comfortable for her - a text or voice mail saying, "hi, hope you are well - I left you a loong e-mail - can you write me back? is perfectly acceptable. She may not be totally happy with herself for how she handled things with you re the will, and well, some people may not be comfortable with the idea of admitting any shortcomings as you or I might be.

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vstefans- I know, your right, either way he and someone is going to be upset with any decision I make. He wants me working because it scares him I wont make it after he dies, but yet gets mad when Im gone. Yet, I worry about him being alone when Im gone! Just had a long talk with two of the other neighbors, her mom didnt want to say to much on it all but the daughter said " look I told you years ago do what you need to do, for your family incl grandpa" If he needs more care, your working he can go to VA or get more help, or you feel you want to wait,up to you, I wont say what I think you should do" Well,she asked me what do I want? I laughed and said its what my family and neighbors want" She said" no, its not, do what you want and need to, dont include me" I said well, I cant ever make a decision or its wrong, I have no confidence and I thought a job would help me build confidence as well as pay bills" She said" uh ya", and handed me a number /email to apply for a job somewhere she thinks I could get in!

On my Aunt she knows how to email and had to do so at work and always do all sorts of things on the computers there. So she just isnt talking to me. Idk if we can patch things up again this time. Its been rough between us, and too much has been said and done. Its funny because I even thought that when my kids were grown I would move to her state to be near her :( . Things change huh? Thank you :)

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The daughter is right. You absolutely cannot live to please someone else - it may seem like a virtue, but in reality you are abdicating responsibility for your own life. There is a huge difference between caring and loving versus being tossed on the sea of the whims and desires of other people. Your grandfather can get other help. He is not being rational to say I'm worried about your future then stop you from working. You absolutely must take charge enough of yourself and the situation to stop being ruled by irrationality like that. It is not easy grow up and make your own decisions and have people mad at you, but once you start living that way you will get used to being an adult and people will get used to having respect for you, as you will also be able to respect yourself. You are going to have to pick yourself up off the porch and dust yourself off if you want to stop being used like a doormat.

Apply for the job - IF *you* think its a good fit and/or realistically the best one you can currently get.

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What Vikki said. The daughter IS right. We each have been given a life, and that is not to be pushed around or managed by someone else. Gpa can make decisions for himself. You need to make decisions for you and quit worrying so much abut him and start being more concerned about yourself and your kids, for whom you ARE responsible. If the bleeding you have is a sign of a serious health issue - what will happen to you and your kids?

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vstefans- I know and your right, you all are right. Id be working with that neighbor if I got hired,yeah... but she thinks the manager would hire me and honestly I might have a chance looking at the job description/qualifications. They also train! So, it could be temp until I have a dream job in Vet Tech or starting a business lol.

emjo23-Im worried about everyone, not just grandpa but, I have to quit being pushed around. They even have a lot of say how to raise my kids which urks me! I ended up telling 2 neighbors about my health issues and they said apply for medicaid.. I dont qualify for it unless I already have a known issue or pregnant ( that one will never happen again) And discounted rates, well, I have nothing. Grandpa cant keep up the bills for that too. So, thats another reason I have to work! Well, your right, what will happen to my kids if something happens to me? Its scares the heck outa me.

Thank you both!

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Me1000, some friends of mine were very pleasantly surprised that they qualified for subsidies and/or could easily afford health insurance under the PPACA ("Obamacare") - one,who could not get Medicaid despite some significant health issues and being the mom of three special needs kids who had Medicaid, was fully subsidized. Give it a try. Thee are flaws in the PPACA for sure, but at least we have an option for working age adults, the backbone of our nation, to be able to go to the doctor when they are sick AND to get care to prevent being sick. Just my $0.02.

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