What's wrong with me?
As you know Im back and fourth on my decisions, always questioning if it was the right ones. When I start pulling myself out of a mess, thinking "Ok, I can do this, it will be hard, I may hurt others ( adults) in my decisions but Im slowly doing this" And BOOM!!! Something happens in the family and I doubt my decision, I go back to what they want. I keep falling I get up to take a baby step and get kicked back two...
Get help? Get Counseling??????When, when Im yelled at for going anywhere other then his house????????? (This is my only savior, you all. Even though your not counselors etc.. been to plenty of those to in my life..) Its always a " go, tend to your family, I dont want you to give up your life for me, live , get a job, go with that good girlfriend of yours to dinner" In a sweet loving voice, then when I do" I later hear " well, I let you do all these things so dont blame me" in a sarcastic and upset voice because I wasnt paying attention to him?" Back and fourth always.Always been this way? YES!!!!!Even when my dad was a liitle boy....
Is it just grandpa? No..its everything else too.. Ive said and done things I never ever thought I would do. I never had a mind frame like I have. I have always wanted to help but when I get upset I let go... that was never the old me.. no I never beat up anyone nor will I. My mouth is nasty when I cant hold it in..Im far from an Angel...but I never thought I was the Devil....I have two kids with issues, one is like 2 at min kids in one, when violent..he's 3/4 kids.. dad with health issues, grandpa health issues, sister has issues, other family, friends, me, ( oh my health?) My health is worse, I mentioned I been having extra bleeding.. well, now off and on daily my stomach has a slight dull pain, like if you sleep on your stomach or back for 24 hours or more and dont move. Idk how to explain it. Im having chest pain again, but I think its my heartburn/acid reflux issue, maybe even panic attacks.
I was following your advice Im trying.. I had it in the writing and figuring out process. What does it matter? Was I put here to annoy and ruin peoples lives? Was I born to be a punching bag? I hate the person I am now, I hate the person I have been, I hate when I lost my dreams and plans out the window... Middle school because it all built up...
My thoughts... I just felt like everybody would do better if I wasnt around....Like Im ruining everybodys life.
You aren't responsible for your grandfather's behavior.
I remember the stress that you describe. I remember it well because one night I called 911 because I thought I was having a heart attack. I had chest pain over several hours and I really thought I was having a heart attack. Turns out I was only under too much stress. Stress wears and tears on the body if it's not relieved.
Try not to let others define who your are. Make the best decisions you can with the information that's available and then stand by them. You care and love your family and you can't really go wrong if you are doing your best by them. Know in your heart that you are doing everything you can and let others with opinions be damned.
Stand up for your decisions and for your opinions. Your decisions and opinions matter as much as anyone else's.
Have you seen your Dr. about how you're feeling? Try to make that a priority. Maybe your Dr. can prescribe an anti-depressant for you.
And we're always here too. :-)
You are SOMEONE and you both deserve and need help with this. Do not use your family yelling at you as the reason you can't do something you need to, or have to do something that you really don't need to. Do not rule out depression just because you occasionally have the strength to overcome it. You are not a very good punching bag, I'm afraid...good punching bags just absorb all the punches without being hurt or complaining...but HUMAN BEINGS were not designed to be punching bags, or door mats. I mean come on, do YOU really think you are a bad person because you won't spend 100% of your time and energy trying to make your grandfather happy instead of anything else? What would YOU advise someone who was feeling the way you are to do or to think? What's wrong with you is you are letting other people with a vested interest in you staying depressed, defeated, and available for doing all the work and scapegoated for all the unhappiness do your thinking for you, because you are too afraid they might be right. But, this is NOT a pull your self up by your bootstraps speech - when you are depressed your boot straps aren't working that great. DO get help. You need perspective from someone outside of the family.
Along with that, while this forum might be helpful, I don't think there's anything that replaces getting out and doing something like joining a caregiver support group or doing something for yourself. Sure, they'll yell at you, but if you give up your own life for them, they won't be grateful and you'll continue to be miserable.
Then, you might wonder where you'll find the time to get out and join a support group or do something else for yourself. Make the time. Give up something you're doing for them and get that time.
Maybe you're about to say that you'd feel guilty if you did that. Fine. Feel guilty. Get out, do something for yourself, feel guilty, but I'm telling you that getting away from these people to get some perspective that there's something else out in the world to balance this can be really helpful - sometimes, it's a respite in a crazy week of doing for them to be able to do something else.
By the way, I'm kind of shy. I don't feel comfortable out with other people. However, even I find this gives me a break from the caregiving and some perspective that maybe I'm not actually the worst person the world, not the most hopeless, not really any more annoying than any other human being. Actually, hearing it from strangers on a regular basis really helps me. So, give it a try and see if it helps you, too. You can never tell.
It took me a while to do this without guilt or defensiveness. I have detached enough now to do this better. Caregiving for me is not about caring, but developing a kind of apathy towards my mother's sick mind games. It seems that my lesson is not about DOING but letting go and not doing. It's a way to heal the unhealthy patterns I was taught in our dysfunctional family.
Over time I find I can develop a little more caring but I am very careful not to get caught up in her mind games. It's like walking a tight rope. Less is more for me.
many times I wish I were totally free of her already. Other times I cry and miss the mother I used to love.
Maybe this part of our life is Nature's built in way of all of us letting go and just being part of this process of life.
Apply for the job - IF *you* think its a good fit and/or realistically the best one you can currently get.
emjo23-Im worried about everyone, not just grandpa but, I have to quit being pushed around. They even have a lot of say how to raise my kids which urks me! I ended up telling 2 neighbors about my health issues and they said apply for medicaid.. I dont qualify for it unless I already have a known issue or pregnant ( that one will never happen again) And discounted rates, well, I have nothing. Grandpa cant keep up the bills for that too. So, thats another reason I have to work! Well, your right, what will happen to my kids if something happens to me? Its scares the heck outa me.
Thank you both!
See All Answers