Hi! I could really use some suggestions on how to deal with my 82 yo mom. She has completely alienated pretty much everyone in her life with her narcissistic behavior and constant accusations that everyone is stealing from her.
It started with stealing accusations and has gotten much worse. She has now accused the next door neighbor of breaking into her house and drugging her dogs, that he was crawling on her roof for hours in the middle of the night, stealing her electricity and hacking into her cell phone. She even called the cops on said neighbor and told his grandfather, who he lives with, that if she ends up dead that the grandson murdered her.
It has gotten to be an almost daily phone call from her with some sort of new accusation towards anyone she can think of. She has always been a complete narcissist, but it has gotten so much worse. I was recently out of town on a much needed vacation and she called me daily with her new accusations. Once I arrived home, I got a really bad case of Covid that knocked me out for almost a week and a half. That didn't even stop her constant phone calls, even when I would tell her that I was too sick to deal with her.
I've gotten to the point where I have lost all compassion and empathy towards her. I know I should be more patient and I know I handle these accusations the wrong way. I tell her that I don't believe her rather than just listening and showing compassion. I know she believes all of this stuff is happening to her and it's heartbreaking. I just can't handle listening to new crazy accusations every single day.
Any suggestions on how I can handle these conversations in a more loving way when all I want to do is scream at her? I really am a loving daughter, I'm just at my breaking point.
With the paranoia and accusations, this sounds like mid-stage dementia. Have you thought about memory care placement? Even if you don't do it now, placement is inevitable.
You can try the medication route for now as per suggested with long term placement in mind.
You mom sounds like she is no longer safe to live at home alone at this point with her dementia.
You're not required to be compassionate 24/7. This is a form of harassment, and anyone would begin to resent it after a while. Medication might help. Also, if she's living alone, she shouldn't. Someone with that degree of paranoia is well-advanced along the dementia path. Start checking out memory care facilities for her before The Big One, i.e., It Can't Be Ignored, such as smashing her neighbor's car windows because the neighbor keeps trying to run her over (not really, but she thinks so).
Very sorry this is happening to your mom.
I heard of a similar story where a woman with dementia started breaking out windows in her home with a cane. The family called a nurse who lived nearby. She was able to calm this woman down until the paramedics arrived. The nurse told me this story back in the early nineties.
Dementia is a horrible disease and it is very hard on the caregivers who are responsible.
One thing that's understated about an assisted-living facility is that having just about everything handled for the person (food, laundry, cleaning, etc) and having daily interaction with people, this greatly reduces the cognitive and emotional stress the dementia creates. Imagine your thoughts and feelings are all over the place *and* you have to take care of yourself and home. It's too much. Proper caregiving takes an enormous load off the person. Then, if medication is justified, this can help even further.
Last, I'm very sorry and fully sympathize with having to go through this. It's absolutely horrible, I know. You have to remind yourself more than anything that your mom has no idea what she's doing, and she has little or no control over her thoughts. It's best to think of it like a physical disability — you would never ask someone who's paralyzed to climb stairs. Asking her to think reasonably is the equivalent.
Your mom DOES sound to be in the stages of middle dementia and is in danger. As to your frustration, it is normal. This is ALL very difficult to deal with. But her reactions are quite common. Stay and read and buy used or get from your library some of the good books on dementia and caregiving. All the education can help by letting you know that, as frustrating as this is, it is normal for the disease process. You can't fix it, stop it, contain it or deal with it; you can only train yourself to do what's important in getting Mom in safe placement, and then drop the daily niggling annoyances.
My mom is in AL now, but she has gotten worse because the dementia is progressing. No matter what you do or say will not help her. They get delusional, combative, and mean. The constant accusations are terrible I know.
I feel the same as you and everyone will tell you not to feel bad, but that is easier said than done.
Just remember we are basically grieving with no closure in sight. You do have to consider your own health and mental state. I let my own health suffer and I wish I had learned more in the beginning. Take care. ((Hugs))
Pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with your mother in constructive and helpful ways. The 36 Hour Day is another good book to refer to.
Good luck to you.
Then I will say that what you're describing is more about dementia than it is about narcissism. Paranoia is one of many of the symptoms of dementia, and so very common.
And nothing you described about your mom says narcissism, but instead says that your moms dementia has progressed enough where she now needs to be placed in the appropriate facility where she will be looked after 24/7 and be safe.
Please talk to her doctor about putting her on some kind of medication for her paranoia and anxiety. That hopefully will help and will make it easier to get her placed.
And like already said, just because your mom calls you it doesn't mean that you have to answer your phone. You can let her calls go to voicemail and if and when you feel like it, you can listen to them.
If she has an emergency she can call 911, if she remembers how to.
1) If you don’t have POA for financial and health matters set up, then you will have extreme difficulty managing this situation. Get an experienced lawyer and try to get these things set up. It may already be too late if the dementia is too severe.
2) Assuming you have or can get what is outlined above, take her to a neurologist to assess what is the state of their decision making ability.
3) Assess what you can do for her based upon the above two steps. Check out local facilities and know which are the best fit.
If you are unable to do these things, you will have to wait for her to fail and then deal with a crisis. That is not your fault. Protect your own health and finances.
i feel for you I really do
my father went through a stage of this
i would tell him we’ve discussed it already and you have checked and no one’s stealing from you so this conversation is closed and change the subject
when he continued I just picked up something to read and didn’t answer
Or conveniently got on with something else in the kitchen
he soon deciphered when he brought it up he had no audience and stopped
he may have added you don’t believe me so I won’t bring it up to which I just thanked him
as for phone calls
I would actually say mum I’ll take your calls bit if you’re calling to tell me about someone stealing then I’m not free and don’t answer
most people continue because they have an audience
that said if it’s persistent I’d speak to Mother’s doctor
we found my dad only did crazy talk when he was dehydrated
worth looking into that and reviewing tablets with her doctor
When you find you can’t cope you’re mentally and prob physically tired take. BreK
youre going away someday ne else to manage and don’t take calls
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