I had to put my Mom in a nursing home temporarily. I feel so bad. What can I do? - AgingCare.com

I had to put my Mom in a nursing home temporarily. I feel so bad. What can I do?

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My brother's in the hospital sick; I feel so bad and I'm in another state. My brother was the primary caregiver and is very sick and in the hospital was with them for 3 mos and had to return hme for appointments I feel so bad about leaving them. what can I do.

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I meant guilt is a tough cookie and there's no milk to soften it. Grief is also involved and sometimes I think my guilt masks my grief. It is easier to feel guilty than to feel my great sadness at watching my mother slipping away slowly.
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It's just plain hard and guilt is part of the process. Try not to be so hard on yourself. It doesn't help your mom or your brother. I try to focus on what i can do. I struggle. It's not easy. Guilt is s tough color.
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It is certainly not unusual for the patient to out live the caregiver. It happened in my family. My mother is SO much better in the NH. I don't think that she would survived 30 more days at home.

I hope for the best for your family and It sounds like you did all that you possibly could have, in an impossible situation.
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I found that with my father, who has dementia, it was helpful to write things down. He forgets, then can look at the note to remind himself what is happening and why. This helped when I was away for a month last year.

Write your mother a note (large print) that your brother, who is normally her caregiver, needs some time to get healthy. That she is helping him, just like he has helped her, by letting the nursing home care for her so others can take care of her son. You know this is difficult for her, but also know how much she loves her son. Encourage her to take advantage of being around others her age, different activities and meals, and (if she has a sense of humor) that it is like "taking a cruise, without a ship".

I would caution against giving a time for when she can return to your brother's care unless it is absolutely certain. If she asks, your brother's doctor will tell him what he needs to do to get well, you don't know yet, it is too early for a timeline.

Then write her notes, send photos, call her on the phone until your brother can take her back, if that is possible. It seems to me that being in the hospital these days requires having very serious medical needs.

I wish both you and your brother well.
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There's a big difference between being in a nursing home temporarily and being there permanently. My mother had broken bones due to osteoporosis on two occasions and required rehabilitation in a nursing home. This created no special problems and I visited every day, sometimes being present during her physical therapy sessions. A temporary stay in a nursing home is simply one step on the way to getting back to a normal life at home.

A few years later she had to go due to developing dementia and physical weakness, which was a less-pleasant situation, but her having seen the NH before probably helped her to orient better.
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Try to get your emotions to listen to reason. Sometimes we have to bring in professionals to handle situations that are too much for us. This applies to business, personal and all of life.

Meanwhile, talk to your mind as if it is an upset child. For example, "It's all right sweetheart. You're doing the right thing. Take a deep breath. You're so good. It's all right."

Blessings to you and all involved in this difficult time.
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Ask yourself whether you could care for your mom, or whether you might hire in-home care for her at your brother's house until he's better. Otherwise, you did the only humane thing you could, by getting her good nursing home care.
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can your mom come live with you until you brother is out of the hospital?
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If you could wave a magic wand, what would you do? Is there any way to make those wishes come true? No? Ok, what would you do with only the power you have? It sounds like you did a good job so far. If there is some practical way to make their situation better, go ahead and do it. If the problem is how you're feeling about the sad situation, get some support for yourself...a support group, counseling, antidepressants, exercise, meditation....whatever. We all have to deal with grief which is not the same as guilt. Grieve but don't feel guilty.
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