I am an only child and the only family living near my mom. My mother is 75 and my dad passed away in 2017. When he passed, my husband and I stepped in to help when needed.
Mom was capable of taking care of herself back then, but started having a lot of falls and hits to the head. She ended up with a subdural hematoma and had burr holes drilled. She did not get better initially and we were told they had no idea why she was not responding to anything and said hospice was the next step (I’m trying to make a long story short so I’ve left out some things). We had her moved from the hospital to a nursing home. She was basically catatonic and did not seem to recognize us and she didn’t talk. Somehow, that hour long ride from the hospital to nursing home “woke her up” and over a few months' time was ready to go to independent living. After awhile she moved into her own home and did great for a couple of years.
However, over time, we started doing more and more things for her because she is unable. March of 2024 she stopped driving all together. I now have to do her grocery shopping, errands, make and take her to doctor appointments.
We are her only source of socialization. She’s at home alone (with her 2 little dogs) and does nothing but watch tv and stay in her house. Last summer she fell while trying to sit on the toilet and dislocated her shoulder, went to the hospital and then a nursing home for about 2 months. We took her back home and 5 weeks later she fell again and broke the tank on the toilet and flooded the house. Back we went to the hospital for tests, etc. and then back to nursing home, where she has been since Oct. 31st.
They gave her the BIMS test and she scored a 9 the first time and they just recently did another one and she scored a 13, which is pretty good. We spoke to the PT, etc. and told them she’s really nagging to go home, however, they said they do not recommend her going home. Assisted living is really where she needs to be. She’s lied to me about having falls at home, she’s forgotten to take meds, sometimes she doesn’t want to shower (worried about falls — she has a shower chair).
We don’t want her to go home because she is suffocating me. I NEVER wanted to be her caretaker! There is no help and no relief. We’ve had 2 bad arguments about her going home and I have to go see her again today and I’m absolutely filled with dread. It has gotten to where I hate my life. I’ve wished ill health or a bad accident on myself so I don’t have to be responsible for her anymore.
Any advice on how to talk to her and/or what to do? She says she feels she’s lost me, but that’s because our relationship is suffering because I’m forced to be her everything.
This very thing happened to my father when he fell in Independent Senior Living and broke his hip. Rehab refused to release him back to IL even with my mother helping him, it was too much for one person to deal with. So I got them both into AL right away.
Its not your fault mom is no longer capable of living alone! Old age is about need not want, so her safety is the only important thing right now,
Best of luck to you.
The more information the more argument. So don't discuss "reasons". They will just be argued down.
Wise words, AlvaDeer!
Telling our parents "NO" is terribly hard the 1st time, then they lay guilt trips like old pros, saying it and sticking to it is terribly hard but, I promise it gets easier each and every time you say it and stick to it. Which sticking to it is vitally important because when we don't, we are teaching them that they can argue us out of our "NO".
You must be honest, you CAN NOT do it any longer. Sorry mom but, I CAN NOT do it. I will be there to advocate and be a regular visitor but I am holding on by the skin of my teeth and if I go down you will have nobody to be there for you.
Prayers that you can say no and mean it and she can see past her own wants to respect you and acknowledge that you are beyond the ability to care for her in her house.
I also like the part where you re-affirm that the daughter will be there to advocate for her mother . That is huge ... although the mother may not get it, it will be her lifeline and she is very fortunate to have a daughter that can advocate for her mother's best care.
Telling the mother that "my health is affected. I am not well... this 'may' give the mother pause - while still MAD - knowing that the daughter still wants to help ... and health wise cannot. Gena
Your situation sounds familiar to mine. Long story short, I was my dad's caregiver for over 20 years after my mom died. His health started to decline a few years ago and I was still trying but he was falling often. He had two stays in the swing bed and one in the nursing home for therapy. I told the social worker that I was unable to care for him full time and that I would not be moving in with him or him with me. He wanted to go home after the stay in the nursing home for therapy so we hired a couple people to help out.He did not like the night person so that did not work. His falls continued. I was struggling to take him to the doctor because he had gotten to the point where he could not walk.. It was even hard with a walker. He is now in a facility. He still says he wants to come home although he has been there a year. Please do not feel guilty. Taking care of an elderly person with many medical and physical issues is a full time job that requires professionals. As someone else said here, in home care can cost more than a facility. Have a long talk with your mom. It will be tough but it will be better for you and her. Also, as someone once said to me on this forum, placing them in facility is caring for them. Often people think that just because they are our parents, we are suppose to take care of them even if we are not able or qualified. Prayers to you. Keep us updated.
Make your language very plain and tell her that if she insists on going home she will be completely on her own because you will not help her in any way. You will not even visit. Either it's AL or she is on her own. Then stick to it.
I know exactly how you feel when you just cannot bear one more moment of being responsible for them. I was where you are. Then I walked away. My mother was given a choice. That choice was mak it work with homecare or you're on your own.
She will NEVER accept an/other or different living situation - as long as you are there to do what you've been doing.
When you assert yourself and tell her "I can't do it anymore... you need more help than I can provide" she will get very upset / angry / mad. Realize that she is very frightened and used to how things have been - you there doing what needs to be done. She has felt an aspect of personal security w you - that is being taken away - and naturally, she'll be MAD and SCARED.
* She will continue to take out her fears on you.
* You need to learn how to not take it personally (while it feels that way).
- You let her rant and rave - ... for a few minutes. Then you leave and take a break for a few minutes or leave for the day. The point is: you DO NOT stay and listen to her ranting ... as this is extremely unhealthy, psychologically, emotionally and otherwise for you.
She won't be happy no matter what.
You need to focus on her well-being / her welfare and the best care she can get --- regardless of what she says or how upset she gets.
If you have legal authority to make these decisions on her behalf, that is half the battle. If you do not, see if you can get these things in order (she may say NO.) If she still has legal authority over her own life, she will make her decisions.
You've allowed this routine / life-style to go on for way too long and now you are at your breaking point.
Consider why you feel 'dread' visiting -
Are you afraid of her?
Do you take in what she says as 'if' she IS your responsibility.
Do you believe you need to 'stand there' and take the ranting (if yes, why?)
You can be both compassionate and set boundaries.
First you need to know that you HAVE TO SET BOUNDARIES.
Then, you say "I know this is hard for you ... its really hard for ME too...
And/but changes must be made as I can't help you out as I have been"
Think about how you need to proceed before you speak to her "This is what is going to happen ..." write it out so you can follow it without getting emotionally derailed.
These life changes are awful and awfully hard.
However, ALWAYS remember - you've done a lot over the years and you've shown her a lot of love and care. There comes a time when a person needs more care than a loved one/family member can provide.
Be prepared for her to not want to talk with you ... or however she may react to how things must change.
Do not take it personally. Remember, SHE IS FRIGHTENED of not knowing what is going to happen to her and you not there. This is natural. But, if you keep doing what you have been doing, you won't be able to function ... for yourself or to help her. You MUST take care of yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
She needs to go into LTC, and you deserve to have your life back.
It's not your fault Mom has gotten old and has health issues. It happens to everyone. She knows exactly what happens when you get old and sick, she saw her own husband go through it...and apparently made no plans about her own future?
You are burned out and cannot be her Caregiver (Slave) forever. What if something happens to your husband, or yourself? Mom would be in a facility, simple as that.
Lots of good advice here. Propping up Mom is not helping either of you.
I wish you strength to get this situation fixed.
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