Hellomy name is Mo my mother is 94 and 9 months ago my brother and I moved my mom from an independent living facility to an assisted living facility after she had a traumatic fall that required hospitalization and 3 months in a rehab which on her release told us she could no longer live on her own.My mom is fiercely independent . She is resentful of her loss of freedom due to her physical decline and the structure in which she must now live in assisted care.My brother travels a great deal for months at a time and so I am my moms main source of family support.I visit my mother everyday. I take her out to lunch, I take her to hair appointments, I bring her things she wants, I buy her things I think she might like. I have tried to be 100% supportive of her and I am completely sympathetic to her situation. I see the agony of aging and loss of one’s free will. I get it and my heart brakes for her.2 days ago my mother became the person I would often have to deal with as a child , at 67 I was transported right back to a 4 year old who tried but apparently failed.
last Sunday i stoped into see my mom as I do everyday and as I was waiting for her to return from the bathroom I noticed a birthday card she had written to me ( my birthday is next week) was ripped up into multiple pieces on her desk, when my mom came into the room she looked like she absolutely hated me.I asked her if she was o.k.? And she coldly said “I’m fine”.I pressed a bit more and said “ Well you don’t look fine , what’s wrong?”She told me she could not tolerate the new bathroom protocol which now escorted her to the bathroom.I said I was sorry and then she told me it was my fault, that I was to blame because had said something to the staff and now she was being humiliated. Then she went on to say she was completely alone in the world and couldn’t trust anyone and she needed a lawyer because she should have never given my brother POA and the biggest mistake of her life was handing over her affairs to us.My mom is in a 6k a month private home with only 9 other residents. She is on hospice for congestive heart failure and has multiple volunteers, a nurse and multiple ppl seeing her every week. She gets a lot of positive attention and encouragement.She receives excellent care . Loving care . She is in a very good place.The issues I had mentioned to staff was the fact that I had come in the weekend before and her bed linens were soiled. Her bed pad was soaked with urine and there was poop on the sheets and the blanket and it had been there awhile , it was dried on and so I got ahold of the house manager and said that was not acceptable. My mom has a lot of skin issues and the chance of infection with her is very high, not to mention it’s gross.Apparently that caused the new bathroom protocol which was not my intention or my fault but my mother believes it is my fault.The core reason for me writing all if this is - the card.The ripped up card.A card with nearly illegible thoughts telling me what a wonderful daughter I am and how lucky she is to have me , torn into pieces because I tried to be sure her bed was clean.The ease in which she went from love to hate , the conditional nature of that affection just made tears come to my eyes.I left her room and have not seen her in two days .my brother told her she needed to apologize to me, she had no intention of doing it in her own.It has just left me as the 4 year old , the child feeling not good enough and no matter what I do , that one thing that I didn’t do right ,whatever it might be, takes all the things I do do right away .My mom is taking her anger and frustrations with aging and loosing control of her life out on me and that’s a very hard landscape to navigate .Its incredibly hurtful because I love her and I do try really hard.I could use and would greatly appreciate any advice.thank you
I backed off and visited her once a week. I stopped bringing her Italian food from her favorite restaurant which was never quite right anyway, and started looking after myself more. It didn't matter to her one way or another.
She lived to 95+. Not long after she died, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. The stress levels I'd lived with for 10+ years trying to care for 2 elderly parents, as an only child, who moved close to me due to neediness, didn't help me in any way. I will die way before I reach 80 or 90 and let me tell you, I'm grateful for every moment of my life. I'd never burden my children down with my selfishness and disappointment that I'm not going to see 100! I'm lucky and happy I'm alive 2 years after my diagnosis! I'm 68 in July.
Your mother is fine, and being cared for (thanks to you) beautifully. Too bad she won't see that, or recognize your efforts on her behalf. Whether she apologizes or not, acknowledge her attitude and back off your efforts. You can love the woman without sacrificing your self respect to her hissy fits.
When my mother acted up, I'd tell her I was leaving and would come back some other time when she was in a better mood. Try it. Your feelings matter too.
I’m also dealing with some health stuff though not on the extreme caliber, still very wonky though. The long term stress does a number despite self-care.
If the poster is reading this, I also recommend set times for visits/ calls ( stick to it and don’t go over ) and found that having a dental appt for me or something of the like booked on the same day helped make for an easy exit. CBD gummies also helped me when I visited. No thc, mild, but a big help for me at least.
You are NOT a 4 year old there to be punished.
You ARE, as you said, a 67 year old grownup. Not only are you a grownup, you are a senior, yourself.
And you are being manipulated quite well by an old 94 year old who apparently has little to occupy herself other than continuing to punish her family members. It has become her sole entertainment.
This thing of tearing up a BD card? You didn't GET that as soon as you saw it? Really? 67 years with the old bat and you didn't know what she was up to? You then asked what was wrong and she replied "nothing". And STILL you pursued it? Why? Why not let her vomit out her OWN venom? Why go plumbing for it, seeking it, feeding it into your system like you cannot survive without it.
What I have said to you is harsh, but quite honestly I hope to shake you awake. You ARE a grownup now. This old woman will be gone soon enough. Who will you find to punish you after she is?
Please seek help. You truly need a good, hands on, face-to-face cognitive therapist to show you another path, a way out of old habits. You are self-harming at this point.
I wish you the best. Breaking a lifetime of habitual behavior is going to be very difficult, but when you DO you will feel like you are on top of the world, and you won't need anyone to tell you that you are a good little girl.
Truly, my heart goes out to you. After a very painful divorce I was once in therapy and my therapist told me you can divide the world into two lines. One thinks they are responsible for EVERYTHING that goes wrong. The other line thinks they are in no way responsible for ANYTHING bad that happens. I asked which line I should go into and she said "Don't know yet, but I sure can tell you which line is easiest to treat".
If you seek therapy you will be walking free in no time at all!
And Mo, tell old Mom when you see her next that she's got work to do, because you went online and just met someone TWICE AS MEAN as she is on her worst day. Hugs out to you, love.
You are not responsible for these things. Realizing this and that your mother is now even more self absorbed due to her situation can help you recognize that you are also not responsible for her becoming old , and you can not fix old . You did not cause her to need to be in assisted living . You did not cause her to decline and now need help with toileting .
Step way back . Daily visits are not good for you , nor is it helping your mother . You do not have to make it up to Mom daily because she got old . Nothing you do will make her happy .
Live your own life for a while. You might enjoy it! And she might miss you.
https://coda.org/ (a co-dependency support group)
We don't get to choose our family members but we do get to choose how much or little we interact with them. You own her nothing.
If you don't step back from visiting her and being in her presence then you are volunteering to be a punching bag. In that case, nothing anyone says here will help you. You're the only one who can change now. It's too late for her. Stop expecting/hoping her to be someone she never was, isn't now and never will be.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as your eyes are fully opened.
None Of this is your fault. You are doing more for your mother than most ever have the capacity or will to do. She is actually relatively lucky to be able to afford where she is. She’s mad and frustrated about her losses and dependency. I get that. But again, not your fault.
I think you did the right thing by placing her there and by pointing out that soiled bedding is unacceptable. But, why keep beating your head against a wall if you only get yelled at?
Look into your own heart. I believe you are following your values very faithfully. That’s really a high compliment. I am sorry your mom can’t acknowledge that.
if it were me I would skip visiting a few days and maybe cut back in general. You’re 67– are you expecting similar attention from your children (if you have any) that you are showing your mom?
live your own life and enjoy it. You may not live as long as she is.
good luck detaching from this need to have appreciation.
They won’t change.
I can.
thank you for the reply.
As hard as it may be you CANNOT take things so personally. Her frustrations have absolutely NOTHING to do with you and what you're doing or not doing, but instead are about the fact that she is aging and losing her health and her independence. Those can be hard pills to swallow I'm sure, but they all have to do with her and not you.
So I would recommend cutting your visits back to just once or twice a week, and allow your mom time to get used to her new surroundings and get to know the other folks that are there.
You are not and cannot be her end all be all, as I know you already know, so quit trying to be. You deserve more a life of your own to enjoy your own children and grandchildren, so I hope you'll take my and the others on here recommendation of cutting back on your visits so you can start enjoying your life more with the people that make you happy.
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