Follow
Share

I have not posted in a long time and I hope that my suggestions, advice, etc. have been helpful. I'm 61 and my mom is 92. My mom is in good overall health and doing well for being 92. My mom is obsessive when it comes to my health and she constantly asks about my blood pressure, doctor's visits, etc.


My PCP noticed some irregularities with my blood work and sent me for some testing. I just got the results back and I have stage 2 colon cancer. I'm floored beyond belief and about to start treatment. I have not told my mother and I'm trying to find a way to sit down with her and tell her without her becoming obsessed with my diagnosis. I also don't want to trigger her into a stroke or have her have a heart attack when she hears the news. I cannot think of a way to tell her that won't involve her coming completely unglued or having to go to the ER.


The treatment is going to be harsh, but I've been assured that it won't change my physical appearance drastically. I've lost about 20 pounds and my mom has noticed this and commented on this several times.


Should I tell her? Or just go get treatment and shut my mouth and keep her in ignorant bliss?

I think you need to do whatever is best for you.
Your diagnosis and treatment is about you , not your mother .
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

Oh JH, I am truly sorry for your diagnosis.

May The Lord give you strength, peace, courage and comfort during this hard trial.

May HE give your medical team wisdom, guidance and touch you with a complaint healing.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

Don't tell mom if you think she's going to fall apart or die from the news. But if you're losing a lot of weight and undergoing treatment, how can you explain that away? In my mother's case, I could never tell her bad news because she'd turn her fear and upset into MY problem and drive me crazy with phone calls and her chronic worry. You're going to need your wits about you now to fight the dragon, so do what's best for YOU. That's the best advice I can give you.

My ex had stage 4 colon cancer and 1 surgery, along with 1 year of chemo. He's been in remission now for 7 years. Clean PET scans all this time!

I have stage 4 melanoma myself. After 2 double rounds of immunotherapy, I've had 2 years of clean PET scans myself.

I wish you good luck and Godspeed as you move forward with your treatment plan.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report
Fawnby Jun 30, 2025
Could explain weight loss due to Wegovy. Then if prognosis isn't good, decide whether to break it to mom.
(1)
Report
That's a really difficult situation, and I'm sorry about your diagnosis. Since mom is obsessive about your health, I wouldn't mention it. What good could come of it? And you've already figured out what the bad results would be. Her being unglued would make more problems for you, no? Don't do that to yourself.

Later, when you know your prognosis, you could decide whether to tell mom, and how much.

I hope your treatment goes well and that you'll be back to update us soon.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

It sounds like you have a close relationship with your mother. I think she would want to know, even if it meant that it made her worry. She is going to notice - she already has - and that may be even worse for her than hearing the truth. Once the initial shock has worn off, she may surprise you and be a source of strength and encouragement. You do not have to be the strong one all of the time. Give her a chance to be a mother to you; it's okay to cry. If you do decide to be honest with her, let her know what you need from her along the way.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
Report

Do you need to use the C word. Can you just say they found your iron level is down so you will be tired until they can get it back to normal? You really don't need her bugging you all day. For me, my diagnoses would be private.

Just read up on your diagnoses. There will be surgery? That would be hard to hide.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

You need to do what is best for you. I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer while my mom was living with us. I was already researching IL apartments for her and, frankly, the diagnosis helped with my decision and telling her that it was time for her to move out. I needed all my energy and my husband’s focus on getting me through whatever was coming. But my mom is a bit of a princess and avoids thinking about uncomfortable things (she couldn’t even say breast or cancer), so she never asks how I am, etc, and only worries that her life will be disrupted if I predecease her. That is, when I bring it up. In your case it may be the opposite so you need to decide what is best for you. Will she need your energy and support to cope with your diagnosis or can someone else be designated to “handle” her? If it’s all on you, think carefully about whether you want to spend your precious energy on her not on yourself. I stopped telling people about my diagnosis who weren’t in my innermost circle because I couldn’t manage dealing with any more emotions. BTW my treatment is pills only and I’m doing great 3+ years later and mom is just fine, now in AL.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to ShirleyDot
Report
JanPeck123 Jul 6, 2025
So glad you are doing better ShirleyDot.
(1)
Report
I am so sorry for your diagnosis, but glad the disease has been caught in time for a good outlook for you, as I understand it.

As regards your mother, that's a tough one. Does she have any dementia? Her obsession with your health must make life a bit difficult for you and you don't need that to get any worse while you are dealing with cancer and treatments. My inclination, if I was in your shoes, would be not to tell her right away, anyway. You have enough stress to deal with as it is.

You need to keep your energy for dealing with yourself and your recovery. Once the major part of the treatment is over (surgery? chemotherapy?) and you are getting your strength back, perhaps you could mention it to her then. Or perhaps not depending on how you are feeling and on how she is.

I agree with others this has to be about you and what is best for you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to golden23
Report

I’m sorry for your diagnosis and wish you the best. My mom is going to be 92 in August and is in fairly good health, just mild dementia. She lives with me.

My sister was diagnosed in 2021 with breast cancer and my mom was so torn over it. She’s so afraid that it will recur even though after radiation treatment my sister has been declared cancer free.

My brother was diagnosed with MALT lymphoma in 2024. We chose not to tell my mom. He is the youngest and only son of the three of us. I know it would destroy my mom. I went with him for all his appointments. We knew it would not alter his appearance or that my mom would notice anything wrong. He went through treatments just fine and has been declared cancer free.

Last year, her younger brother was diagnosed with throat cancer, then lung cancer and passed away. She was so destroyed when she found out he had cancer.

My personal thoughts after having gone through these experiences with her, if it’s not necessary, I would spare her from what it may do to her.

Sending Hugs 🤗
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to MIRIAM57
Report

I had stage 3 breast cancer while my mother lives with us. Luckily she hadn't progressed with her memory issues yet.
Unless you lose your hair, I would suggest not saying anything yet. Let her know your fighting a immune issue, not saying cancer, but you'll have bad days. This may help and hopefully you will beat the Beast. Good luck! ❤️🙏🤞
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Tflowers
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter