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My 80 year old mother and I share a two bedroom apartment. I bought it so I would be able to care for her on a day to day basis instead of using the community services that kept failing her (in her opinion). Now that we live together (for only the past three months), she feels quite free to tantrum over the slightest inconvenience. She turns mean and name calls, throws things and then goes to her room, which is set up like a sitting room.


These tantrums happen about once per week, and I am finding her expectations quite unreasonable and selfish. She has had two heart attacks and two strokes, which resulted in apraxia and aphasia over the last five years. Because of the apraxia and aphasia, speech is a problem for her. Of course, she finds conversation frustrating, but she talks non-stop and when she is angry, she has no problem throwing out negative comments about me, like I am a bad person, not nice, stupid, bad. I am 63 years old.


Mom continually threatens to move out and then goes to hides in her room until something comes up and I have to speak to her. I am reluctant to bring her behaviour up for fear that it will cause another tantrum.


If she goes into independent living, I cannot afford to pay (nor can she) the required monthly fees for a private care facility. The government assisted living facilities take 80% of her income/pensions and she has no savings to speak of.


She is not capable of getting around on her own, or running her own errands or making arrangements for assistance. She would never admit to this. I don't believe she is capable of living on her own without assistance. And assistance is not really there for difficult people unless you pay the big bucks.


I think we are both feeling trapped and don't where to go from here.

I'm so glad that you're going to be able to get your mom to the doctor!

Thinking about writing up a bullet-pointed list of your observations of her recent behaviors.

And keep in mind that UTI's can cause psychiatric symptoms in elders. When there is a change in mental status, it's the first thing that needs to be ruled out.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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The false assumption that you are making is that your mother is well.

Well adults do not call the daughter who is helping stupid or bad. Has she always been abusive like this?

In the US, you would be able to tell her doctor anything you needed to about her behavior. The doctor can't give you any information, but if this is a change in mental status, you owe it to your mom to inform her doctor.
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Jaq1955 Feb 25, 2019
Thanks Barb. I appreciate your input. Mom has just admitted to me that something is going on inside of her head that she doesn't understand, and would like to make a doctor's appointment to discuss other living arrangements. Thank goodness!
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Oh my goodness ... I'm sorry, but I live in Canada! I am unclear about why you say I am making false assumptions.

My mother is able to think clearly, but has difficulty communicating unless she is angry. She is not a cooperative person at best and would never allow me to take her to be assessed for dementia unless she thought she might have it. She is in control. I do not have the authority to speak to her doctor about her tantrums, nor does he have permission to speak to me.

I will look into vascular dementia. Thank you for this suggestion.

No, our funds are separate. Thank goodness!
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There are states that fund ALs through waiver programs.

Ccontacting your local Area Agency on Aging is a good place to start.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Are you in the US because I have never heard of government assisted livings in the US.

So if she her income is a 1000 a month and they take 80%, $2OO a month won't pay for her extras? It did for my Mom. I purchased Depends, wipes, her toiletries. If in an AL she should have 3 meals a day. A room they clean. Activities.

I think Mom needs to be evaluated for Dementia. There are meds that can be given to calm her.
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I think you are making A LOT of false assumptions.

Have you talked to her doctor about her behavioral issues? Are these new or a continuation of a lifetime of dysfunction?

Has she seen a geriatric psychiatrist?

Has she been worked up to see if she has vascular dementia ( common after stroke).

I hope you haven't commingled funds. It sound like she will need Medicaid to fund assisted living or a nursing home. She is beyond the " independent living" stage.
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