My BIL and sister made family members promise to never put them into a care facility. Money is very limited so hiring help is not an option. Their income is such that they don't qualify for aid, but don't make enough to hire outside help. Any suggestions as to how to proceed?
This whole "promise not to put me in a home" business needs to be a two-way street.
Sure, I'll promise not to put you in a home, but ONLY if YOU can promise me not to ever get so sick that you need to be in a home.
Now on to assessing the situation. What it is, what is needed, what the assets are, and best how to proceed step by step. What to try and what to try first. Set aside the whole silly "promise angst" and get on with it would be my advice.
I’ve learned that there’s a better way than jumping in and promising to do it all. Lay it on the line for them and tell them you’re unable to rearrange your life. Then offer to help them find another way to provide care for themselves.
Wow! Care for themselves! It’s in their corner now! What a wonderful idea!
Very well said. Amen.
Gena / Touch Matters
Sorry if I sound bitter and harsh .BTDT with parents and in laws.
When the time comes call APS , or the relatives local area Agency of Aging . Let them deal with these people.
Do not move them into your home . That makes your home their residence . My nephew made that mistake . He’s in a very bad spot right now.
On the positive side, my sisters and I formed a much stronger friendship than we had had before we had this common commitment and I did forge a new relationship with my mother.
On the other hand, we would have spent just as much time with her if she had been willing to leave her crumbling home. The difference would have been that instead of doing her housework we would have been keeping her company and taking her on rides and to lunch, etc. We all would have enjoyed those last years so much more.
Children who are of retirement age should not take on the work of caring for those who need significant help. Those who work in care facilities have training that enables them to do the necessary work more easily and safely. It is both unrealistic and unkind of an older person to expect relatives to take on work that is beyond their skill level or their fitness level, It is unrealistic and unwise of us who are, ourselves, elderly to attempt to do so. A gentle reality session should be instigated to explore better alternatives.
That is just pure selfishness.
No one wants to go into a nursing facility, but often there comes a time when there is no choice but that, promise or no promise. And why families are foolish to make such promises I'll never understand.
So the choices are either to struggle on their own, because as long as family continues to step up and enable their false illusion of independence, they will never see the situation as it truly is, and for the family to call APS to report vulnerable adults that shouldn't be living by themselves, or your sister and BIL agree to move into the appropriate facility using what money they have to pay for it and when that runs out apply for Medicaid.
Time for a come to Jesus meeting with the family, sister and BIL and lay these choices out.