To be completely honest, I feel very resentful and extremely angry with my grandmother. She's lived alone for so long, and doesn't think she needs help. And we haven't really been in touch over the years. Bottom line is, I moved 1800 miles away from everything I've known for 28 years to be the only person taking care of my grandmother. She refuses to get help, and most of the time she refuses help from me. And then she will tell me I do absolutely nothing, over and over again. She doesn't quite need someone taking care of her all the time (bathing and going to the bathroom), she still tries to be pretty active, but she needs someone watching her most of the time (her meds, making sure she hasn't fallen because she's tried doing something she shouldn't like getting on a ladder etc). When I came out here I lost my job and my car. So I was around all the time, cooking, helping clean, watching her while she did useless yard work to make sure she doesn't fall because she refused to not do yard work even if I did it for her, taking her shopping, putting her to bed, making sure medicine was all filled and ready to go, making sure we had appointments, and getting her there (with her car, that she wont let me use at all other then to take her places). During that time she always told me I was a lazy @sshole and I never did anything and I needed to get a job. So I started walking to places near to the house and found a job. Working over nights, so I'd be gone while she was asleep and up in the mornings for appointments. Still doing most of my duties, she can still fully cook for herself but very rarely does, and that's the time I'm asleep. So now, she tells me I do nothing and I'm still a lazy @sshole. Which, we have gotten in a few arguments, and a few very heated arguments because I feel like I'm being fully controlled all the time. And I'm for sure being treated like a child. I haven't held my cool, because I don't take being treated that way very well, I tend to treat that person the same way. So unfortunately I've gotten to a point where I think it may be more healthy for me to just move back home and let her appointed power of attorney take care of her. I think it causes too much stress to her having someone in her life trying to help her out, and it definitely causes a lot of stress in my life trying to help someone out, especially someone who doesn't think they need help. I am also an adult, so treating me like a child is uncalled for. Idk, maybe I'm crazy...

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Just wondering ...
Are you getting paid to do this?
You should be.
If you don't want to do this sit down and write a contract.
Your pay for X number of hours per day
Specific time off per day, as well as days off.
If you do not know what the going rate is for full time or "live in" caregivers in your area call a few agencies and ask what they charge.
Present this contract to the POA
You could also request back pay but I would not push it.
If they refuse the request for pay present them with your notice that you are going to leave. Give them 2 weeks notice, that should give them enough time to either decide that they will pay you or they will hire caregivers.
No you are not crazy.

And from a "grandma" side of things.
No one likes to admit that they can not do the things they did before. Living alone I have to think about when I climb a ladder to change a light bulb. I like to work in the yard and yes I have hurt myself doing that. I would not like someone, even a granddaughter, to come into MY house and make me feel like I can't do things for myself any longer. (would I want you to come in and clean..Yeah! but not toss out my stuff..unless we talked about it) Would I want you taking over my kitchen, not in a heartbeat! I bet you would not have wanted this in your home either. So I can see both sides of this coin.

But you deserve respect, you deserve to have a life outside the care-giving you are doing. To deny you time off, a means to leave and have some time away from you "job" is not right. You need to be earning a living wage. This will also effect earnings in the future as I am guessing no taxes are being paid and no Social Security and no workman's comp is being paid.
Indentured servitude is not legal.
Helpful Answer (3)

Torn, you sweet man you!

Grandma's needs will only become clear when you leave. The key to her getting the mental health help she needs is not for you to tell her.

It's for those with responsibility ( POA and the State) to step in when it's clear she has diminished capacity.

Leaving will be the best thing you can do for her.
Helpful Answer (3)

They beg you to stay be cause it makes their life easier and allows everyone to carry on without having to alter their lives at all - nobody seems to give a thought to your sacrifices, needs or well being. Go. Just go. You have already more than lived up to any kind of obligation there may have been to this stranger who happens to share your DNA, it's time for those closest to her and who she trusted enough to give POA to step up and deal with their obligations, how exactly they manage that is not your problem.
Helpful Answer (6)

I would suggest to get out and away as final as that might seem. You don't deserve to be treated this way and she most certainly doesn't deserve your care. If you are fortunate enough to return to a life you can have control of for your own sake than you should. I don't know the circumstances of your parents and why you are the one providing care but the bottom line is that she is showing you zero appreciation for your efforts and over time will affect your life adversely or in a sense has already. I hope you can reclaim your life and know she has brought this on herself. Granted aging can bring on many negative aspects to a personality but you have a life worth living and should move forward to achieve that. I hope you find the strength you need.
Helpful Answer (3)

Show timing. The extra stimulation of visitors or going out to appointments makes the person able to keep up a front of normality. It can be extremely frustrating for caregivers who are there day in day out and see the full picture. As I expect you know.

How long has your grandmother been living on her own?

What has the POA said about this? Have you been in touch?
Helpful Answer (2)
torntopieces28 Feb 2019
That has to be one of the most frustrating aspects of this whole thing... It's unbelievable to watch how she treats me, or how shes acting for the day (being snippy and snide comments and so on), then the POA or her other friends come over and shes able to somewhat hold it together, just like shes "old" not "old with dementia" or something similar. I don't know if that makes sense.
my grandfather moved me and his son and my mom to Arkansas when I was born, that was 28 years ago. Shes had one husband since then but they weren't together for to long and hes pasted away (also her son, my dad pasted away 23 years ago so that's been hard on her, and I look exactly like him with my hair and beard cut, but ive kept them long because I don't want her confusing me and him if that makes sense. I don't want to bring sad memories). I stopped coming out here when I was 13. So she hasn't seen me in 15 years, and we have barley spoken over the years. But she has no other family that can or is willing to take care of her, and I dropped everything to do it because I knew my dad would probably have done so. Now being out here for 8 months I realize he might not have, and that might have been why he left with my grandpa when he did. I don't mean to be hateful but I can keep from running things through my head, because shes not the person that I remember at all. Not even a sliver of that person is left and it makes me wonder if shes just always been this way (super controlling and super OCD and mean/rude) or if its the disease...and at this point im sure its both.

I have been in touch with the POA infact he was over here tonight because me and her had a big episode and she called him over to the house so she could tell him how shitty of a person I was being to her. Which he came back and talked to me and I told him what was going on, he seemed pretty understand but him and her 2 friends basically just keep begging me to stay. Ive been telling all of them I cant do this, she treats to so terribly all the time, since 2 months of me being out here. I know she needs help, and she doesn't want to go to a nursing home because she doesn't want anyone to know whats actually wrong with her.....but I don't think im the person to do so. That also makes me feel terrible, because shes alone, if im not here...shes going to die alone. And her POA is already taking care of his own mother, so he doesn't have the time to take care of my grandmother as well. That's the other thing, her POA has a spouse with him, they own their own business where they work maybe 4 hours a day, and can take off when they have to with no problem, and they hire someone else to come take care of her some days....and my grandma expects me to be able to do it because they can do it.
edit, reply back to previous comment
Helpful Answer (0)

You're not crazy. Feeling responsible for somebody who won't let you take care of her is so stressful it would make anybody think they were losing their mind.

As your grandmother has given power of attorney to somebody else, I think you're right: I think you should speak to that person, explain that this situation is not working for your grandmother or for you, and get back to your life.

You tried, it didn't work, it is definitely not your fault.

I also give you full marks for recognising that while you're trying to help her, your grandmother sees it as interference or intrusion and it just makes her dig her heels in more. Again - absolutely not your fault. The POA needs to step up, get a proper assessment done, and get the right kind of support in place.

Best of luck to you, I hope the handover goes smoothly (it should. You are not doing anything wrong or unreasonable in deciding that this is not going to work) and you can get back on track from here. Please keep in touch and let us know how it's going.
Helpful Answer (6)

Are you being paid?

Your grandmother sounds as though she's mentally ill; has this always been the case? Does she resent the fact that someone is living with her and "invading" her privacy?

Did she agree to your moving in, or was this foisted upon her by the POA?

There is absolutely NO REASON that you should be putting up with this verbal abuse, or the isolation that this "job" is imposing upon you.

You need to give the POA written notice that you are leaving and then GO.
Helpful Answer (3)
torntopieces28 Feb 2019
She refuses to pay for me taking care of her, she thinks that me living with her is payment. I have a house in the state that I left, I don't need anything from her. She continued on until I finally got the job I was talking about working over nights (its at a convince store) so I can pay for my phone and the few little necessities I need.
I believe she is mentally ill but none of her doctors have mentioned anything in her records over the last few years other then a possible stroke. I finally spoke to a neurologist about it and he thinks something might be going on (she has peripheral neuropathy, but he thinks it might just be in her head) I think he ordered some expensive test, I cant remember the name of it but it looks like an acronym (CADSIL maybe). Either way, I don't think im going to make it to the appointment to meet back up with him, not to mention he supposedly was retiring at the beginning of the year, and she wont go see anyone else. She doesn't want them to know if anything is wrong with her head. Whats that called, "showstopping" or whatever, when someone can fake it when they are around other people but act completely different when its just you and them? Shes pretty good at that. She gets all dressed up and prettied up for the doctor appointments, and then makes sure shes on her top notch. But most days aren't that way. I also believe she has a form of OCD because of some of the things she does. She picks blades of grass out of her yard, even though she pays a lawn service once a week, she goes out into the yard and picks blades of grass (today she did it until there was a balled spot in the yard), and she will super clean the house everyday, and complain about being in pain the following day while still doing the same things on repeat.
She is not deemed "not sound of mind" so this wasn't forced upon her. I came out her for vacation in june, we talked, and I thought she needed help, so I asked if she would like me to move in with her (she said yes, but don't quit your job). So I did the transfer and moved by july 19th. Unfortunately my job screwed me in the transfer so I didn't have a job right away. And now, she most definitely resents the fact that someone is living with her trying to help, because she says out loud she doesn't need help all the time, and then comes and asks for me to help her with things like writing checks and figuring out what mail has come in cause she doesn't understand it, or helping her with her doctors because she doesn't understand what they are saying. but she pretends to understand when shes in front of them.
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