What do I do when I simply can’t unwind?
Mom wakes me up after tending to her all day to change her, change her sheets in the wee hours of the morning. I get so irritated. I can’t think. I can’t even put my emotions into words right now other than I am so sick of everything.
Love is not enough to see me through this. I love her. I know that she loves me but love cannot sustain me anymore. It’s just so hard and some days and nights are almost too much to handle.
I get mad when she says she is sorry. It just makes me feel worse. I hate that she is miserable. I hate that I am miserable. I feel like a machine going through the motions. Same with her. There’s no meaning left in our lives. This isn’t living for either of us.
I hope and pray that I get approved by the veterans for aid and attendance. Please pray that I do so I can get the much needed help that I need. Thank you.
23 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Why does my mother ask me to do everything for her but does not ask my siblings?
- Once I stepped in to help after surgery he stopped doing anything for himself and became helpless, needy and runs me for trivial tasks. Advice?
- Have you found that your relationship with parents, or the person you are caring for, has been irreparably damaged?
- I'm burn out helping my husband care for his mom. What do I do?
I love this answer. It made me smile. I was ‘one of those kids’ that loved to run and play. I was a ‘free spirit’ and you hit on something very important. It’s such a drastic change in my life to be tied down like this. It’s really, really hard for me.
Of course, I want to be there for mom but this is a huge sacrifice for me.
I was always active. I love nature. I taught my kids to love nature. I am a mixture of emotions. I adore the city and all it has to offer, but I yearn for nature when I want peace. You know, you hit on something deep inside of me. Even as a kid, my escapes were to climb up into a huge live oak tree and stare at the clouds.
Don’t laugh but one of my favorite things was digging in the dirt. Talk about grounding! Hahaha. There was a vacant lot next to us. No one claimed it. The titles were never cleared with the heirs.
My brother and I would bring my mom’s old cooking spoons and a pitcher of water and make mud pies, pancakes, burgers, etc. Hahaha. We loved it! I had a great mom who didn’t care if we got messy. As long as we cleaned up before dinner she was fine with a little dirt.
We loved playing with bubbles and I remember when we ran out mom would make us bubbles from dish liquid. She was great about all that stuff. Those simple things are magical to a kid.
We didn’t have a pool but we sure did have fun playing in the sprinkler. Water on a hot day in New Orleans is heavenly!
My dad grew up in Florida and I have fabulous memories of the beach. I miss driving to the gulf coast.
Like I said, I am a mixture. I loved my fancy dresses, purses and dress shoes too but oh boy, to kick my shoes off, get in my play clothes and dig in the dirt was so much fun to us!
It’s important to be creative as a kid because that’s how kids learn. It’s important for kids to dream because that’s where ideas are born. Thanks for reminding me how simple things are truly important for our minds and souls.
It’s truly sad that many of us lose the simple things that brought us so much joy to us when young. I am going to try to have a better balance in my life. Thanks. Your friend is wise.
Notice how happy children are running in the yard with no shoes on? Dogs and puppies? Carefree as the day is long.
I have a friend whose Shamanic and her advice when things get frustrating or overwhelming, plant those feet in some grass, sand, a stream perhaps and imagine roots growing from bottom of your feet into the earth till they find a rock or tree root and your “roots” wrap around and hold your spirit tightly. Let the sun shine on your face (sun is a natural healer also), breath deeply and ground yourself, most importantly remember...you deserve to live. Help your spirit because you may find the answers you seek if you get a chance to breath for you. I have epiphanies all the time after I do it, not immediately but usually wake up to one. Also it’s free.
It is tough. I have thought about not wanting to burden my kids. Such a difficult position to be in. My mom truly doesn’t want to be a burden. So many of the elderly are suffering terribly and it hurts mom to impose. She was an independent woman, like her mom before her. Now though, she does need so much care.
Mom has sacrificed tremendously in her life, so she does understand and appreciate all what I do. At least I don’t live with an ungrateful mom. That would be horrible and make it so much harder to deal with.
Mom’s sister died in her arms while she was propping up her pillow, kidney failure. She was only in the hospital for a short time before dying. My uncle died two years prior. Mom and dad did not hesitate in the least to raise their children as their own.
My parents took in my cousins. Mom told us from day one, “I do not want to hear, yours or mine. From now on everything is ours.” My cousins essentially became my brother and sister.”
My mom was truly a giving person in so many ways. These are tough circumstances that involve so many emotions.
Unfortunately, most elderly people are set in their ways. Instead of compromise it feels like a battle. So it’s hard emotionally as well as physically.
Thanks for your response. I do have to start looking at everything more realistically.
I appreciate your honesty and broad view of the situation. I do see where I have tunnel vision and that is clouding my decision making abilities about important issues.
She sits by me in the living room after lunch and falls asleep in recliner sometimes and snores very loud. Drives me crazy!
Yes, it’s exhausting and you make valid points.
Sounds like your mom was wonderful. My mom and grandma were independent too. So hard to see her go from an active person to a person struggling with Parkinson’s disease.
Mom lost everything in Hurricane Katrina and in the midst of all the stress, we opted to take her in. She was too old to rebuild her home. So hard to predict these things. My good intentions of comforting mom became a heavy load for my husband and me. Of course, it adds stress to our lives.
She has lived a long time, she’s almost 94 years old.
She does get SSI and is now contributing to household expenses along with her own needs. She isn’t a spendthrift, never has been. She’s not a horrible hoarder but hangs onto old clothes which jam up her closet.
I hope the VA benefits that I am applying for will be approved and then we can make decisions on further care, at least hire some in home help. Right now I only receive 8 hours a month from Council on Aging which isn’t a lot but I am grateful for having that. It took forever to get and I wish I would’ve had that help sooner. Did it completely by myself for many, many years. Haven’t had their help all that long.
My husband does support me. I’m blessed. I helped out with his family years ago, his mom died from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma and I helped care for her and his grandma. It’s tough being a caregiver!
I just hope you find a balance & she makes some compromises. Do you tell her you’re exhausted? It’s too bad your mother can’t afford to pay anyone thru her SS a few hours a week.
You say mom has too many clothes- how does she buy them?
Its nice to be devoted to your mother but not at the expense of your own well being. You have difficulties setting boundaries with her- that is clear. So until YOU change that you will continue to be miserable.
It would be a perfect world if we could just bat an eyelash and have someone there at our beck and call to do whatever we needed done.
But the real world doesn’t work that way.
Does your husband support you in all this? Isn’t he concerned about your welfare? It seems like you are all alone in this.
Make some decisions and stick to them. Either continue the way things are, or make a plan so the next time mother develops an acute medical condition that afterwards she is placed in a SNF. If not then just accept it but start changing routines to fit with your life, not mother’s. That means letting your mother do something on her own (fold laundry?) anything to give her something to focus on other than herself. You enable her to boss you around. Just say “no” - as someone here said “No is a complete sentence”.
I only hope it’s not too late and you’ve not created your own monster.
I don’t get forfeiting your life for parents. My mother never expected that from any of her kids. She lost my dad at age 42 with 3 kids (19,17 & me, 7). She never complained. She wasn’t that type. But I remember that she revelled in my independence- (getting my degree, starting my career). She never held me back. And there was no expectation of her ever needing me. She was fiercely independent.
My brother and and I had to place her in a NH at age 87. She lived with my brother. Once her care became too much for him (she had to be admitted that last time for a fecal impaction) both of us decided it was time for this. Mind you, this was after about 2 years of decline after falling & having her hip replaced where she began to wander outside in the middle of the night, left the stove on and burned a pot resulting in thick black soot deposited on her entire kitchen walls. Tough to clean.
No it was not an an easy decision. Not at all.
My mantra then became “safety first”.
She passed away 14 months later after 2 strokes. Didn’t know us for about 3 months prior to her passing due to dementia which anesthesia made worse.
Please think of yourself first. It’s hard but something for you to work on. At least arrange it so you can get sleep at night. Give mom some autonomy too.
Would your DH be able to sit with your mom for at least a couple of hours in the evening so you could get in a good nap? I'm talking like "do not disturb" unless it's a dire emergency. If it's a possibility, you might ask if he could help in that way. I know how much even a power nap can make a big difference.
Do you mind if I ask you to throw in a dozen extra prayers, please instead of one? I just feel like I need extra support.
I respect you because you have been through this and come out of it with compassion and wise wise advice for the rest of us. Do you think that will ever be me one day?
I felt so numb earlier and now all of a sudden the tears are flowing down my face again. I think I will go start on dinner to distract myself. Sometimes I have to force myself to look in a different direction that doesn’t include problem solving in regard to mom’s issues. If I don’t my brain is going to explode.
This is when I wish I had Bernie, my daughter’s dog, my grand puppy to just snuggle with. I fell in love with that dog. We struck a connection from the day my daughter rescued him. He’s a tiny ‘toy poodle’ with a big attitude. I’m tiny, but certainly don’t have Bernie’s attitude. Hahaha. Hope to soon.
I got adult pull ups padded pants which helped a lot though were expensive, unfortunately my dad sometimes meddled with them and still managed to wet himself , Pajamas and bed!
it sounds daft but I focussed on making him laugh or smile. Every time I succeeded it was a bonus. I knew he was sorry and embarrassed so treating him as I’d like someone to treat me if I were like that, helped a little during the bad times.
I am deaf so had to wear an alert for if he tried to get out of bed and spent my nights in an armchair “ready” and checking the alert as sometimes the vibrate didn’t go off but a written message appeared - not much use if not looking at it regularly!
I do wish you speedy success with your application for veteran aid. Are there any befriender volunteers who could pop in for an hour or 2 - even if you just had a rest from being “on call” whilst they were there ?
It is hard to unwind when sleep is so limited - meditation might help - I used to remind myself that at least my body was resting even if my mind misbehaved and wouldn’t.
God bless,
I already started the VA process. She refuses sleeping meds. I kind of get that because of her Parkinson’s disease. Her movements are already slow and rigid. The meds might make her stumble and fall. The falls are terrifying to me! The ER visits are scary for me. She has beautiful white hair and red blood really shows up in it!
I get up because she can’t dress without me and she’s sitting on the bedside commode. I keep telling her no to the pads and use a pull-up at night. She wants the poise pads! I buy the number 6 but it’s still not enough. I’m fighting a losing battle.
I guess I am messing up from being so damn tired. I know I am not doing well with boundaries. I know it. I’m going to try harder. I have to. Or I will eventually go nuts! When she naps during the day, I find it’s then that I breathe.
I had a therapist tell me once. “Do you realize that you don’t even breathe properly? You are so tense that you aren’t breathing and then you actually gasp for air.” It’s embarrassing not to even realize that.
She won’t even do melatonin.
I will try to address all that you are asking. Senior center? Do you mean Council on Aging? I have 8 hours a month. I am grateful for it. It’s not a lot and I waited for a very long time to get that. My area has tons of seniors so we have a long wait list.
As as far as the senior community center I have truly tried to get mom to go for lunch with others there or participate in activities. My mom was extremely talented. She could sew, embroidery, knit, crochet, etc. All of the women did something in my family. My great aunts would sew incredible christening gowns, baby clothes, beautiful ladies night gowns, with embroidery, tatting lace, and smocking, that were sold in the upscale fine boutiques in the city.
I even told her that I would enjoy going. I get lonely and feel so isolated. She’s a homebody and it doesn’t bother her to be alone with me. She’s not very social. My daddy was social and I take after him.
I just started the VA process. I am using a program in order to expedite the process. She will be 94 in November!
I adore music! Are you kidding? I live in New Orleans, we are known throughout the world for our food and music. We truly aren’t ‘anywhere USA’. We have a very unique culture. I miss hearing our local musicians play incredible jazz. I do play a CD once in awhile before going to bed.
Food? I cook every single day. I enjoy cooking for the most part. I get tired of it sometimes. Don’t do meals on wheels because my mom is very spoiled with my food! But I would cook anyway for hubby and me, so that isn’t a huge issue. Mom and I do chat about food. She and grandma were excellent southern cooks!
I did order a waterproof mattress pad from amazon. Is that what you mean? Waiting for it. Just ordered it.
I do have bedside commode but she doesn’t always make it to the commode in time.
Drinks? Yep, she drinks a lot of water. No UTI’s ever! No diabetes. When I told her to cut back she says that she needs to drink a full glass with her meds, blah blah blah. She has an answer for everything. She may see it as a ‘power issue.’ Who knows? I am simply tired of all the pee!
She has me doing all kinds of crap during the day. Making phone calls about stuff, who is coming and when for home health. I tell her not to be concerned. She gets out a tablet and writes it all down! Crazy!
She has me rearranging clutter in her room. Just unnecessary stuff and I tell her that it isn’t important. Her response, “It’s important to me!” Sometimes I walk off, other times I pacify her to get some peace!
Flowers? She has too much clutter. I do flowers for birthday and mother’s day. It’s clean, but a bit cluttered. I wanted a pretty scented candle in her room but she said it would be a fire hazard! Geeeez!
If I forgot to answer something, ask me again... I am trying to get this right.
Oh relax, that’s easier said than done. Sometimes I feel if she sees me relaxing she will find something to get me ‘busy.’ I have to tell her, “Mom, I need some time for me!” She has stood by my bathroom door and hollered for me before. Not as much now because since she got out of skilled nursing rehab I made the mistake of giving her a bell to ring and the damn thing is ringing quite a bit!
And I'm excited to learn you're in the great city of New Orleans! My sister lived there for a few years, I've visited twice, fell in love with the beignets and French Quarter, and sitting on the floor at Preservation Hall.
I even made created a crewel embroidery of the St. Louis Cathedral...love that area!
Thanks again for your help.
This book is about how girls and women are taught from a young age to not take chances, play it safe, be nice and polite, AND put others first and themselves last. After a lifetime of these types of messages, it's no wonder we are programmed for guilt over a perceived failure or mistake.
"I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let him forget he's a man" sound familiar? But, the reality is that we can't do it all. And, it's ok to say "enough" and even "no."
It's ok to put yourself first and to feel your emotions - without guilt!!
I heard about the 10-10-10 method to deal with tough questions/ situations. Basically, it comes down to will your response (or lack of one) matter in 10 minutes? 10 months? 10 years? It puts in perspective of what needs to really be done and what can slide a little...or a lot.
I just reread this post and realized that I still want to be perfect for my English teacher!! Pot...meet kettle!!
Hugs to you!!
I have been caring for my mother in ways since I was 16. She was chronically in bed so I taught myself how to cook and took on cleaning the house. I longed for a different life. I have tried to help my mother for decades with losing weight. Her present weight is close to an all time high. She has a host of health issues. The weight on her is not helpful in the least. I feel as though I have failed but the reality is one can't change someone. I wonder why she elected to have aortic valve replacement surgery only to defy common sense and gain weight by eating what puts weight on her. She is constantly making promises to change. I just turn a deaf ear. Right now I am in her room waiting for her to return. She was recently sick and when I came by the other day I felt traumatized looking at her closet. It is full of gifts for the grandchildren. She tears out articles from the paper to send to my children. They don't want them. I could go on and on.
I hope you might start putting your mother in protective underwear and put pads on the bed so that you can attempt to get a decent nights sleep. I am a wreck if I barely sleep. I also hope you get the assistance you are seeking. Although I don't have to deal with the physical care for my mother I feel at times put through the wringer emotionally. It took my husband and I 6 months to clear out a 1 bedroom apartment. She has been sick for more of her life than she has been well. She also was a Christian Scientist so she refused medical intervention for years only to be forced to have it in order to be mobile
She is not an evil person but has been very challenging to deal with as a mother. I am an only child so this burden has been all on me. I don't want the final years to be filled with angst so I ignore what I can but when I see her it brings it all up. I feel guilty that I feel this way but we couldn't be more different and I don't understand her choices. These are not just late in life choices but ones she has had her whole life or at least my whole life. She had a career as a dancer. I really don't think I was planned for. I think I caused an interruption and she didn't know how to cope.
When I read your post I immediately empathized with your words and sentiments. I hope life delivers you some relief.
And if you feel you have to clean regularly and the house has to be spic and span, it doesn't. Your relationship with your mother is more important.
First, what CAN you control about the situation?
1. Changing sheets. Is she using pads at night? When does she last drink? If you have earlier meals and discourage drinking a lot (w/o compromising necessary hydration), the overnight changes might become less frequent.
2. Does she have a commode in her bedroom, and can she access it by herself? Does she have a hospital bed with rails to hold onto as she gets up?
Second, what all is encompassed in "tending to her all day long?"
1. How much of that can be done at one time, then the rest at a later time, giving you down time inbetween (if that's possible)?
2. Did you discuss with the VA getting voluntary help during the day?
3. What other daily issues are there?
Third, the VA A&A application:
1. Did you work with the VFW, American Legion, or other VA group? If not, I would contact them, ask them to review the paperwork to ensure that it's VA compliant, and if there's a way that it can be expedited.
2. Did you speak with your mother's VA social worker to ask about caregiving options? I don't recall specifically what was available, but I was impressed by VA's efforts to include caregivers in their programs.
3. Do you have ANY respite at all? Friends (I won't even raise family as I know that they're often uncooperative), volunteers?
4. I think you both could benefit even from "friendly visitors" (I think that's what the VA calls them...something like that) to vary the routines and offer some socialization.
5. Does your mother get Meals on Wheels or do you do all the cooking?
Fourth, relaxation.
1. I had to ask myself what I absolutely have to do, what is optional and what really doesn't need to be done. If I didn't, I would have been burned out more than I was.
2. Start with a small amount of time when all work is put aside, and you just chat with your mother. Reconnect, resurrect those bonds that used to exist. If you're both frustrated, it's just too demanding for both of you.
3. Sunnygirl made a good suggestion in looking to the local Senior Center. My father knew all his delivery people and some on a more personal basis. He looked forward to their visits, and many often stayed a little while to chat with him.
4. Create diversions for both of you. My father used to play CDs to relax, and sometimes we just sat and listened to them together. It was "chill out time" for both of us.
I'll stop with these, as I have a suspicion you've been through some of this already. But the VA issue is important; if you applied on your own, or used some company that charges, redirect your attention and work with the real Veterans' groups mentioned above.
I suspect some of what I written has already been suggested, but that "it's just not working." But I hope I'm sharing some new thoughts.
If not, turn off the computer, go outside, and listen to the birds, the wind, or the rain. Take Mom with you if you can. And remember, at some point this will all be over. (I don't intend to sound maudlin, but we all know that our times are limited.)
In retrospect, there is so much more I wish I had done, but I also knew that if I didn't set limits, I would end up with more health problems than I already had. And if I was compromised, who would take over?
Have you checked with local resources? The director of our local Adult Senior Center once told me that they had volunteers who provided FREE respite care for family members who needed a day, weekend or week off. So, I'd check with them or the county social services. I think that getting some time to rest, sleep and unwind might help. 24/7 work of that type is bound to make you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, if we are able to step back from the middle of it, things will seem clearer, in time.
I tend to work too much and not rest until things are so so. Eventually, I will take a break and I can actually feel the stress leaving my body and some happiness return. Most often, I get that from music. I recently was treated by a nice friend to a concert. As I stood there, listening to the music, dancing, laughing with others who were enjoying the music, I remembered what it was like before dementia entered my life. I try to hang on to those memories, until next time.......Oh, I also had a nice cold beer at the show. lol Too pricy, but, well worth it.
Thanks for your encouragement. I just started the process. So wish me the best, as I do for you and every single person on this site.
The last group focused on two elderly women who are caregiver to husbands with ALZ. Broke my heart.
This is *exhausting*. You are exhausted. Anything you feel, in the circumstances, is normal. Hugs again.