What do I do when I simply can’t unwind?

So sorry for how you're feeling NeedHelpWithMom. When will you know if you're going to get some help in the home with your mom's care? Can you call them or check online and get status check. When things take so long, I get worried they lost my paperwork and insist they confirm they are working on it.

Have you checked with local resources? The director of our local Adult Senior Center once told me that they had volunteers who provided FREE respite care for family members who needed a day, weekend or week off. So, I'd check with them or the county social services. I think that getting some time to rest, sleep and unwind might help. 24/7 work of that type is bound to make you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, if we are able to step back from the middle of it, things will seem clearer, in time.

I tend to work too much and not rest until things are so so. Eventually, I will take a break and I can actually feel the stress leaving my body and some happiness return. Most often, I get that from music. I recently was treated by a nice friend to a concert. As I stood there, listening to the music, dancing, laughing with others who were enjoying the music, I remembered what it was like before dementia entered my life. I try to hang on to those memories, until next time.......Oh, I also had a nice cold beer at the show. lol Too pricy, but, well worth it.

Just hugs, and certainly I'll throw in a prayer too.

This is *exhausting*. You are exhausted. Anything you feel, in the circumstances, is normal. Hugs again.

I completely understand how you feel. Although my mother is in AL due to having bought LTC policy I share alot of your emotions.

I have been caring for my mother in ways since I was 16. She was chronically in bed so I taught myself how to cook and took on cleaning the house. I longed for a different life. I have tried to help my mother for decades with losing weight. Her present weight is close to an all time high. She has a host of health issues. The weight on her is not helpful in the least. I feel as though I have failed but the reality is one can't change someone. I wonder why she elected to have aortic valve replacement surgery only to defy common sense and gain weight by eating what puts weight on her. She is constantly making promises to change. I just turn a deaf ear. Right now I am in her room waiting for her to return. She was recently sick and when I came by the other day I felt traumatized looking at her closet. It is full of gifts for the grandchildren. She tears out articles from the paper to send to my children. They don't want them. I could go on and on.

I hope you might start putting your mother in protective underwear and put pads on the bed so that you can attempt to get a decent nights sleep. I am a wreck if I barely sleep. I also hope you get the assistance you are seeking. Although I don't have to deal with the physical care for my mother I feel at times put through the wringer emotionally. It took my husband and I 6 months to clear out a 1 bedroom apartment. She has been sick for more of her life than she has been well. She also was a Christian Scientist so she refused medical intervention for years only to be forced to have it in order to be mobile

She is not an evil person but has been very challenging to deal with as a mother. I am an only child so this burden has been all on me. I don't want the final years to be filled with angst so I ignore what I can but when I see her it brings it all up. I feel guilty that I feel this way but we couldn't be more different and I don't understand her choices. These are not just late in life choices but ones she has had her whole life or at least my whole life. She had a career as a dancer. I really don't think I was planned for. I think I caused an interruption and she didn't know how to cope.

When I read your post I immediately empathized with your words and sentiments. I hope life delivers you some relief.

I don't pray, but a heap of good wishes and thoughts are coming your way. You said it ALL. Love is not enough. We aren't Saints, and those who martyr themselves to this will get no thanks, and very little praise for it, but they well may be doing suicide the slow way. Please recognize your limits, because more and more you will break under the pressure of this, say things that later make you feel guilty and hate yourself. My heart goes out to you. For me the biggest loss in all this is the loss of the relationship we had with the loved one, who is no longer the person we knew and loved, and what it does to us internally. The anxiety and knowing we are not enough, cannot be enough, simple are flawed human beings. It does bring you to your knees, whether in prayer or not. Wish I could give you a hug. Please update us. There is going to come a time you can't do this. Know that. Let yourself mourn that we are all imperfect; recognize your limits. Let yourself be human and forgive yourself for it.

Need Help, I do feel for you; you're clearly stressed, nowhere to turn, searching for solutions, and probably physically and emotionally exhausted.    I haven't checked your other posts, so I'm just going to go by what you're writing here.   It may be that some of the suggestions have already been tried, and if so, I apologize for the duplication.

First, what CAN you control about the situation?

1.  Changing sheets.   Is she using pads at night?  When does she last drink?   If you have earlier meals and discourage drinking a lot (w/o compromising necessary hydration), the overnight changes might become less frequent.

2.   Does she have a commode in her bedroom, and can she access it by herself?   Does she have a hospital bed with rails to hold onto as she gets up?

Second, what all is encompassed in "tending to her all day long?" 

1.   How much of that can be done at one time, then the rest at a later time, giving you down time inbetween (if that's possible)?

2.    Did you discuss with the VA getting voluntary help during the day?

3.    What other daily issues are there?

Third, the VA A&A application:

1.    Did you work with the VFW, American Legion, or other VA group?   If not, I would contact them, ask them to review the paperwork to ensure that it's VA compliant, and if there's a way that it can be expedited.  

2.    Did you speak with your mother's VA social worker to ask about caregiving options?   I don't recall specifically what was available, but I was impressed by VA's efforts to include caregivers in their programs.  

3.    Do you have ANY respite at all?   Friends (I won't even raise family as I know that they're often uncooperative), volunteers?  

4.    I think you both could benefit even from "friendly visitors" (I think that's what the VA calls them...something like that) to vary the routines and offer some socialization.

5.     Does your mother get Meals on Wheels or do you do all the cooking?

Fourth, relaxation.

1.  I had to ask myself what I absolutely have to do, what is optional and what really doesn't need to be done.    If I didn't, I would have been burned out more than I was.

2.    Start with a small amount of time when all work is put aside, and you just chat with your mother.     Reconnect, resurrect those bonds that used to exist.   If you're both frustrated, it's just too demanding for both of you. 

3.    Sunnygirl made a good suggestion in looking to the local Senior Center.  My father knew all his delivery people and some on a more personal basis.  He looked forward to their visits, and many often stayed a little while to chat with him.   

4.    Create diversions for both of you.   My father used to play CDs to relax, and sometimes we just sat and listened to them together.   It was "chill out time" for both of us.

I'll stop with these, as I have a suspicion you've been through some of this already.  But the VA issue is important; if you applied on your own, or used some company that charges, redirect your attention and work with the real Veterans' groups mentioned above.

I suspect some of what I written has already been suggested, but that "it's just not working."    But I hope I'm sharing some new thoughts.   

If not, turn off the computer, go outside, and listen to the birds, the wind, or the rain.    Take Mom with you if you can.   And remember, at some point this will all be over.    (I don't intend to sound maudlin, but we all know that our times are limited.)

In retrospect, there is so much more I wish I had done, but I also knew that if I didn't set limits, I would end up with more health problems than I already had.   And if I was compromised, who would take over?

Thought of something else.    Can you afford to buy flowers to put in a room you share?  Even artificial flowers help.    Before my mother passed, I used to buy fresh carnations for her on a regular basis.   Her eyes brightened, she smiled, and she was so pleased. 

And if you feel you have to clean regularly and the house has to be spic and span, it doesn't.   Your relationship with your mother is more important.

I don't know if this will help you with the guilt...I am listening to a book now by Reshma Saujani (she started Girls Who Code) called Brave, Not Perfect (my apology to my 7th grade English teacher for not knowing how to underline the title).

This book is about how girls and women are taught from a young age to not take chances, play it safe, be nice and polite, AND put others first and themselves last. After a lifetime of these types of messages, it's no wonder we are programmed for guilt over a perceived failure or mistake.

"I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let him forget he's a man" sound familiar? But, the reality is that we can't do it all. And, it's ok to say "enough" and even "no."

It's ok to put yourself first and to feel your emotions - without guilt!!

I heard about the 10-10-10 method to deal with tough questions/ situations. Basically, it comes down to will your response (or lack of one) matter in 10 minutes? 10 months? 10 years? It puts in perspective of what needs to really be done and what can slide a little...or a lot.

I just reread this post and realized that I still want to be perfect for my English teacher!! Pot...meet kettle!!

Hugs to you!!

Caregiver,

I already started the VA process. She refuses sleeping meds. I kind of get that because of her Parkinson’s disease. Her movements are already slow and rigid. The meds might make her stumble and fall. The falls are terrifying to me! The ER visits are scary for me. She has beautiful white hair and red blood really shows up in it!

I get up because she can’t dress without me and she’s sitting on the bedside commode. I keep telling her no to the pads and use a pull-up at night. She wants the poise pads! I buy the number 6 but it’s still not enough. I’m fighting a losing battle.

I guess I am messing up from being so damn tired. I know I am not doing well with boundaries. I know it. I’m going to try harder. I have to. Or I will eventually go nuts! When she naps during the day, I find it’s then that I breathe.

I had a therapist tell me once. “Do you realize that you don’t even breathe properly? You are so tense that you aren’t breathing and then you actually gasp for air.” It’s embarrassing not to even realize that.

She won’t even do melatonin.

so sorry you are struggling with care for your mum. Even 2 years after I still haven’t gone back to normal hours - like you I was dealing with sheets every night and had no help whatsoever.

I got adult pull ups padded pants which helped a lot though were expensive, unfortunately my dad sometimes meddled with them and still managed to wet himself , Pajamas and bed!

it sounds daft but I focussed on making him laugh or smile. Every time I succeeded it was a bonus. I knew he was sorry and embarrassed so treating him as I’d like someone to treat me if I were like that, helped a little during the bad times.

I am deaf so had to wear an alert for if he tried to get out of bed and spent my nights in an armchair “ready” and checking the alert as sometimes the vibrate didn’t go off but a written message appeared - not much use if not looking at it regularly!

I do wish you speedy success with your application for veteran aid. Are there any befriender volunteers who could pop in for an hour or 2 - even if you just had a rest from being “on call” whilst they were there ?

It is hard to unwind when sleep is so limited - meditation might help - I used to remind myself that at least my body was resting even if my mind misbehaved and wouldn’t.

God bless,

CM,

Do you mind if I ask you to throw in a dozen extra prayers, please instead of one? I just feel like I need extra support.

I respect you because you have been through this and come out of it with compassion and wise wise advice for the rest of us. Do you think that will ever be me one day?

I felt so numb earlier and now all of a sudden the tears are flowing down my face again. I think I will go start on dinner to distract myself. Sometimes I have to force myself to look in a different direction that doesn’t include problem solving in regard to mom’s issues. If I don’t my brain is going to explode.

This is when I wish I had Bernie, my daughter’s dog, my grand puppy to just snuggle with. I fell in love with that dog. We struck a connection from the day my daughter rescued him. He’s a tiny ‘toy poodle’ with a big attitude. I’m tiny, but certainly don’t have Bernie’s attitude. Hahaha. Hope to soon.