It's been 4 years ago. She got sick was in the hospital for 3 weeks then she came home. The doctor say she needs 24 /7 care but agency only give her 6 hours a day. My husband was here every day when she came out the hospital 7 days a week. When she came out and still doing it 4 years later I met my husband 3 years ago last September we got marry. My mother in law didn't like that. She is 100 percent better now she is 84 can walk with her walker can feed her self she can do everything except bathroom meds meals and shower. We do that for her I know she can get her meds and go to the bathroom her self but bc my husband did everything for her she don't want to. When I'm helping her I let her do thoes things for her self and I told my husband he's listening to me a little now but still he end up doing the same things. It drive me crazy bc I know what my mother in law is doing she is trying to come between me and my husband. She used manipulations on him put guilt trips on him he have a brother but he don't want to help with her and that's her life favorite. We are at her home from the time she came out the hospital and we have our own place so I told my husband this morning when September comes we are going home every night to our place. I say you can come in the mornings and help her out he goes to work at 2 pm I come home from work at 3 give her dinner at 530 this is our life every day. Can't go or do anything we don't have a life and it's really getting to me now. I feel like I'm losing my self and we have a lot of conflicts now we are young people I just turn 50 my husband is 48 I told him she live her life already we have too now we had no honeymoon as yet got marry after the reception we had to come home with her to her home and start all over again with caregiver job. She had home health aids but complain all the time about them so my husband got sick of the complaining got rid of them so I told him you need to let them come back and we leave go to our own home. I comprise with him that's why I told him we go home every night to our place he said what would that accomplish? Like really we can't do anything here we don't even have a sex life she calls him all the time why bc she Don't want him spending time with me. I'm on to her I know that what shes doing I told my husband once a month lets go some where for the weekend let your brother come stay with her. She said to me why you guys need to go away for a weekend I was so upset with her I'm getting frustrated with this. I find myself crying for no reason so please can someone give some advice what to do.

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Reply to shad250

The truth is that I really do love my husband and I'm afraid of losing him I know he loves me he told me today he will try what I said we go home every night to our place so i told him in November we will leave permanently to make arrangements for it he said ok bc that was the plan my husband is a wonderful person he's been through a lot 22 years retire from military he told me his mom never treat him well as a kid growing up also and he's the one have to take care of her he told me he feels like it's his duty I told him it's not you can help with other things like pick up meds get her grocery it's still something he agrees so let's see I will let you guys know thanks all God bless you all
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Reply to misfairlady69
Ahmijoy Aug 12, 2019
I really don’t understand why you are afraid of losing your husband if you insist that you step back from caring for his mother. If he truly loves you, why would he leave you because of that? You said you told him things needed to change in November. Ok, that’s 9 months ago. Nothing has happened except some empty talk from him. He has what we call FOG—fear, obligation and guilt. As long as this continues and he can’t step back, nothing will change. Sadly, we really can’t help you if you won’t help yourself. I hope that things change for you and you find some relief from the burnout you wrote about.
Caregiving is a life sucking process on many different levels. It can bring down the best of people if they let it. There is also a lot of good in the caregiving process and it can bring your husband and you together on a higher level if you let it.

My husband and I have been caretaking my grandmother for about a year and a half now and boy o boy has it had it's up's and down's. There were times when I thought it was going to ruin our relationship but we worked through those hard times and it got better. It is easy to become bitter at the person you are giving care to but please try not to do that, it will not be effective for you or her.

Also keep in mind that he had accepted the journey of taking care of his mother before he met and married you. I would try to think of your MIL in a more positive manner even if she is being a unking individual. I take it you love your husband and your marriage will benefit from your change in perspective. Of course just my opinion though. It's not easy and man when they get negative it makes you want to throw in the towel but you got this.
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Reply to grammyshelper

At least you've only put three years into this situation, at this point. Tell your husband it's either your mother or you. If he chooses his mother, leave him and don't invest any more time or effort on this family.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to CTTN55

I know what I have to do I've learn a lot from this site I think I'm just afraid of losing my marriage I keep telling him we have to leave from her home or else we won't have a marriage he said ok but when we start talking about it again he say what would it accomplish. I don't know and I do tell others to leave or put their love one in a home bc it is a lot of hard work and at the end it will affect your health so I don't know why I don't follow my own advice. I thank you for your input I will have to do something about it I know that.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to misfairlady69
Ahmijoy Aug 11, 2019
I think you are afraid of something you’re not telling us about. Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid that if you leave you stand no chance of ever finding anyone else? Are you afraid your husband and MIL will be angry with you?

You say that yes, you know something must be done. You say you “talk” to your husband and he sounds like he is ignoring you. He asks what it would accomplish. It would accomplish a true marriage for you. It would tell you that he values you as his wife and not as nothing more than a servant to him and his mother. You believe and accept everything he tells you. Whatever happened to you in your life that has made you feel you are so worthless? Because you are not. And until you believe and convince yourself you are worth more than what this man and his mother treat you like, your life is not going to change.
there are other posters who post often about the same things but do not make changes necessary to change the circumstances. Your husband and MIL won't - why should they - they have what they want - you doing the work. But it sounds like  you do not want to. You might not want to take the drastic step of moving out that so many people have advised. If that is the case you can certainly come back here to let off steam.  But until YOU make a drastic change - your situation will not change.
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Reply to Kimber166

You posted about this before, and I’m very sorry that it seems nothing has gotten better. You are still being used by both your mother-in-law and your new husband. But, I find it interesting that at one point a few months ago, you advised a poster they needed to put their LO in a facility, and before that, you answered another poster that their LO needed Assisted Living as well. I’m wondering what’s holding you up from taking your own advice.

You have no real marriage. It almost sounds like you were brought on board in this situation as a free caretaker to a woman who treats you like dirt. You talk, husband talks, MIL orders you around and you are being used by both of them. As long as you live in the same house with her, it will continue. If he doesn’t want to find care for his mother and become a real husband to you and leave, you may have to leave by yourself.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Ahmijoy

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