What can one do to help parents when they put off doing any paperwork such as wills, POA, etc?

What I meant when I said "dad's take on paperwork (only for death)" was that HE perceives it all as being for death.

I came back here because a recent "newsletter" from AgingCare included a link to the differences between DPOA and Springing POA. This might be of some help with him, especially if you can focus on the part about illness and injury and that it will COST HIM a lot of money for you to gain guardianship so that you can assist him! Also focus on the fact that the document can specifically say WHEN not just that you can take over. HE gets to decide that NOW. When he is incapable (hospitalized, unable to communicate, etc.) then he cannot - this can also focus on having the state step in and take over (a copy of that news story about how these state legal "guardians" took everything away, including family might be enlightening as well!)

SEE:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/what-is-durable-power-of-attorney-140233.htm?

Edit: Of course even if he agrees to this, it really will not solve the current issues.  However if he WILL agree to draw up something, it will be there if/when the time comes that he is not competent (although this also states the DPOA is in effect when signed, it does not mean one has to take over at that point - we did not, and took over things on an as needed basis.

Stilltired, you have a couple of different big issues here, which I know isn't news to you. First the paperwork and for me particularly the POA and medical decisions given the way your father is behaving. My guess is he does have some diagnose-able cognitive issues, dementia/Alzheimer based on his increasing secretive and obsessive behavior but I'm not doctor and I would get the legal stuff done before any diagnosis if you can. Maybe you can play to his obsession with having enough money by letting him know how concerned you are about what could happen without this paperwork being done. Maybe even leave the will out of this conversation in case talking about them together triggers something he is resisting. But let him know that without the POA it's easier for the state to step in and take control which would mean they would loose all control of their finances. If something unexpected happened, he or your mom has a stroke for instance (this happens to people in their 40's and various things can set it off so not just related to their health in case he feels it doesn't run in family...I forget what you said dad's medical issues are but maybe one of them make him more prone?) it could easily leave them unable to express themselves or make decisions about care for a while (aphasia) and or unable to move a side of their body also inhibiting speech or both. Neither of these things are automatically permanent and with the proper care can either be overcome completely or a great deal from what they suffer initially. But the proper care isn't always what the state will provide or advocate for, they will do the minimum typically leaving it to the hospital and rehab facilities to decide. The only way to guarantee a family advocate and making sure his wishes are carried out is to give you or the person they feel most comfortable with who will also be around and willing to put in the time and effort....you get my point. Any hospital visit now given their age and that they live alone without an "official" caregiver/spokesperson means someone else will evaluate their living situation and can force a change which would mean the state steps in takes over their funds and houses them...ok maybe a bit dramatic but maybe he needs it. Whatever it takes based on fact to frighten him enough about controlling his money that will get him jumping on the legal paperwork. Maybe lay it on thick about how he doesn't loose control this way, he isn't giving you all the control he is sharing it with you so that you can take over in the event it's necessary for a period of time. Then once you have those ducks in order you can move int a will, might be an easier sell even at that point and gradually but immediately start using some of the methods for taking control of and protecting the finances, find ways to do this without making him feel like he has lost all control.

The other big battle you have is getting them to help care for themselves, day to day. This can be a tough one for sure. My mom is diabetic amongst several other major medical conditions so eating properly and regularly is vital yet we struggle with getting her to do it everyday. It's not that she isn't a healthy eater, I mean buys and eats healthy foods for the most part, the problem is she has it stuck in her head that she needs to loose weight and that when her weight goes up by a couple pounds in a day (she has a water retention issue we have to watch carefully) it's because she over ate and it isn't. She makes a meal out of lettuce and tomatoes, she would eat that for 3 meals a day if we let her. She will also go without eating at all for day ("one day isn't a big deal") if left to her own devices yet if you put a full meal in front of her she will devour it so the problem is not really her appetite. I get it though, going through the hassle of cooking or making a whole meal just for yourself is hard, it just doesn't seem worth the effort and in your parents case (it would be the same with my mom if it were around) the sweets they have around aren't only enticing and basically filling they are easy to just pick up and eat. Tasty and no prep involved. It takes a little planning and my mom wants to prove her ability to still care for herself so once I make something for her she likes that's easy enough she will make it for herself but I try to come up with things like homemade chicken soup in the crock pot that makes several meals she can either have in the fridge, freeze or both so it's easy to pull it out and reheat in the microwave. Maybe your daughter could do an afternoon of cooking and packaging meals or something for them that they can then reheat for themselves for the week. Would your mom maybe enjoy doing that with her so a project they do together? Might it help motivate them if they each (mom and dad) felt it was important for the others health and care? It certainly sounds like they could both use some medical attention where some of the emotional issues could be addressed along with physical, it might be very helpful to review their meds and dosage as well as whether or not they are taking meds properly at home. Providing they have a decent doctor familiar with elderly issues this could also be your link to other help for them. My mom's PC has refereed VNA to make sure she has a plan for and is able to take care of meds at home, the home is safe for her and to send a social worker out to figure out what services she might qualify for or need and get, her options. This was a huge help to us because while we were there and part of it all my mom felt in control, it wasn't us (her kids) coming in and telling her what she could and couldn't do. Somehow a "professional" saying she needs this or that is more acceptable then her family suggesting the same thing...go figure! But she also has a healthy fear of her PC's power to say she can't live on her own anymore or move her to some sort of assisted living, I'm not even clear exactly what or how much power she thinks her doctors have but it works in our favor because we are fortunate enough to have a great working relationship with her main doctors in particular and they are providers she has had for many years so she also trusts them and they know her. But my point really is that your parents providers may be a very helpful resource in getting things either working better at home for them or getting them in a better situation that will enable them to thrive more than exist they way they are. It takes a village to provide and manage one elders care, you have 2 loved ones who need care and aren't helping you and themselves, you and your daughter even if your sister were fully involved as well, just can't do it alone not should you have to. Find ways to reach out for help from people without the emotional attachment, trust me the demands on your time and energy will continue to increase and anything you can do to relieve some pressure and actually enjoy the time and moments you have with your parent's rather than dread them is as much a plus for you as it is for them.

Bear in mind that a will can be revoked up until a person is deemed incompetent by a judge. In my case, my mother had a will in place for 25 years leaving everything to me because I am an only child and she had no other immediate family. My children were minors at the time and my husband of 30 years always had been her executor. She lived with us in a new house that had a mother-daughter lay out. Once she was moved to the memory care unit at the assisted living place I had chosen, from the geriatric psychiatric hospital she was at for 6 weeks observation (which two psychiatrists had her committed to) then she was put in contact with the smooth unethical lawyers that isolated her and got her to change her will and eventually one became her legal guardian right before her death. My mother died all alone at a mere 70 pounds and had been kept isolated by daily visits where the lawyers or their wives pretty much brainwashed her. We hope that my story will go public, but it’s very difficult to find magazines or newspapers that are willing to investigate and publish. And after spending 6 figure $$ amounts  in outrageous attorney fees to try to obtain guardianship initially, there are no attorneys that are willing to take a complex case like this on contingency. I think the judge and the attorneys and the assisted living facility all had an agreement to work together on wiping out my mother’s assets and possibly going after mine, if they could have. I wish there was a way to warn more people in NJ of these terrible fiends that call themselves “officers of the court”. My poor dear father must be turning in his grave knowing that my mother was completely taken advantage of. Right down to having all her Italian gold jewelry and her wedding band stolen. Just horrible

Again, thank you all for your answers. Disgustedtoo, when I mention paperwork, I do not mention it in the context of death - that is just what his suspicious mind jumps too. On another note, I have spoken with him about the debts that will be left to my mother if he passes before her - the mortgage that is tied into the home equity loan, the car payment, the credit card bills, etc. His answer was that one of "us" would take care of her. I was speechless to say the least. He says that he earned that money through his military related illness and it is his to spend when it comes every month. He has plowed through their small savings and like I stated before, my mother will not even help herself by setting up a separate savings account in her name only so that he can't access it. She does not have dementia, it more like a "learned helplessness" type of thing or really strong denial, or maybe she thinks that a miracle will save her, I do not know. As to how they are getting so many types of junk food - my father sends relatives to the store to buy it, daily. He panics if he thinks there will be no ice cream, no cookies, no milk, no bread, etc. when the stash gets low. I am doing less now.

jacobsonbob (and anyone else interested);
This confiscation of property has many names (articles I have read said civil forfeiture and yes indeed it happens in MANY states!) This does not just happen in Louisiana and this kind of abuse continues to happen today.

Wikipedia:
"Civil forfeiture in the United States, also called civil asset forfeiture or civil judicial forfeiture or occasionally civil seizure, is a controversial legal process in which law enforcement officers take assets from persons suspected of involvement with crime or illegal activity without necessarily charging the owners with wrongdoing."

How it can possibly be legal to take, and often sell, someone's property, when no arrest is made, no charges are filed, and there is no proof the person did ANYTHING illegal is dumbfounding. Enter 'civil forfeiture abuse' in your search and be amazed (and totally disgusted!) at how many "hits" you get! A few people had the means to fight back and get some of their property back, but others do NOT have the means and can lose substantial property through this abuse!

Stilltired, I had the same situation with my parents. I had to break away after my father’s passing due to my narcissistic mother becoming even more mean to me. I would have fully helped my father and even welcome him to live with me. I didn’t think any legal papers needed when they both had each other. Now being thankful and careful for what you wish for and not ever going to do a POA or guardianship for my mother. She now has no set schedule, sleeps during the day and stays out all night, doesn’t bath or eat nourishing food, chain smokes and started drinking and gambling. I was at my wits end seeing this behavior. I was constantly worried about her. Then after one of the worst episodes of my life being treated so disrespectfully by her I cut her. I was raised to respect your elders and they were always right but, I stood up for myself to her for once in my life and told her how unfair she was to me. And sure enough no empathy whatsoever and never a another word from her or apology for her cruelness. If she ever needs help it will not be from me as a lifetime of dysfunction from her. And glad she knows it now rather than too late when it would have all been dumped on me. Or when the “entitled” siblings mooch her last dime away. It just took my DH and children to make me see the light. I hope you find resolution soon and your parents are loving, kind and appreciate to have your concerns for them.

Thanks, disgustedtto and SueC1957, for your respective comments. Yes, there are scammers out there, but one would hope that the government isn't one of them. From a story I read some years ago (about the police stopping people in Louisiana and arbitrarily confiscating their property--and I've read since then that this also has happened in other states), it seems (and I hope it's true!) that scams in the US sooner or later get out in the open and dealt with--but probably not before a lot of damage has been done to some innocent people. I guess the moral is that any agency in any country can become corrupt, and the more power one gets the greater the opportunity according to the saying "absolute power corrupts absolutely".

Has this happened in any of the other countries in which members of our group are located?

I'm with you Bob, that article was a shock and an eye opener.

I am an American living in Mexico. I could believe that the scenario I was reading about was happening here in Mexico (where many government officials are corrupt-it's out in the open) but for this to have been *allowed* to happen in the United States of America is absolutely shameful. And to think so many were on "the take", where it profited them greatly to illegally do these dirty deeds to fine American citizens who had worked hard all their lives. Also, the anguish suffered by their families as they were told they "had no right to visit their own parents". Son of a gun, I'm mad.

There should be a "house cleaning" of all corrupt "Guardians" in Nevada and many new laws passed to make sure family would be in charge, especially if spelled out in legal paperwork.
ALL the affected parties should file a joint lawsuit against the state of Nevada for kidnapping, robbery/theft, pain and suffering, entrapment, assault and battery and lying under false pretenses. I hope they or their families win billions. They deserve to be treated as humans not cattle.

Thankfully, this was brought to light. At least the truth has been exposed and hopefully a round up of the dishonest jack-a**es will continue to take place. I would hate to be them on Judgement Day. How do you answer to the Most High for your actions?

Thanks DownSouth. Elder abuse for sure.

I'm glad that my mother is here in the same city as I am. They can't cross the border to take her away!

Wow. I skipped the earlier reference, but was curious when jacobsonbob re-posted it with his comment. Wow. What a racket! Was it surprising that this was in NV? Not really, but it can happen anywhere! What is surprising is that they are not required to keep records - really? In checking out guardianship/stewardship, my understanding is that the court requires detailed accounting from the guardian/steward at least on a yearly basis (MA.) Even SS and the pension our mom has will require me to provide accounting yearly to ensure the funds are spent appropriately (this will be easy for me, because the two only cover about 1/2 of her "rent", so that's all that will be reported. The rest of the "rent" and any other expenses are covered by a trust fund - I only need to provide accounting of that to my brothers, should they ask, but I'm just as squeaky cheap with her money as with my own! We need it to last as long as possible!)

Even worse, it may not matter if you have all your affairs in order and DPOA... from what I learned about guardianship/stewardship, a person being considered is entitled to their own attorney (one can be appointed, but will be billed), however if they are not aware of this and don't ask for it. Guardianship/stewardship CAN override DPOA!  In the case reported, they found ways to prevent having a client attorney, even by keeping the person out of court! Here the judge would be required to see the person, to make his/her own determination.  So keep good tabs on your LOs even if you are managing their affairs! If they are living alone, they can be scammed by so many people, but this is just the worst! To have them argue that they are protecting these elders and their assets (NOT), and in particular from their own family, yeeesh.

There have been a few people posting to threads here that warn us all against letting family be POA, but their methods of "protecting" themselves and their assets would be swept away easily by this kind of abuse! While there are family members who take advantage of elders, this is worse than any case I have ever read about!

I just read the entire New Yorker article to which DownSouth provided a link, and I must say that I'm completely appalled and ashamed that in this country this sort of abuse can be tolerated. (It has parallels, of course, with situations in which people have their property, money and vehicles taken because the police think it's "possible that they could have committed a crime" even though there is absolutely no evidence of it.) However, I'm happy to see that the people mentioned in the article finally received justice. I hope everybody on our forum reads this article, whose address I've copied here:

newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/09/how-the-elderly-lose-their-rights

Thanks to DownSouth for providing this to make us all aware of the problem. Of course this is a warning to us, too, to get our own paperwork in order. In addition, maybe we should do some homework before we even consider moving to a state or city to make certain this kind of abuse doesn't take place there.

Based on Stilltired's comments and dad's take on paperwork (only for death), I do not see a will being of much importance in this situation (too much debt, loans against house, etc.) A will is more to direct where someone's assets will go after death. If the debt on the house is too much, there won't be any monetary gain. If the account is always overdrawn, same deal. If someone dies intestate (no will), anything left will have to go through probate (which will deplete anything that might be left.) One or the other would be primary to inherit anything left. After that, children would be next.
Given dad's fanaticism with keeping money, yet over-spending it, there doesn't seem there really will be anything left to leave in a will (except debt - and remember even if you get DPOA or guardianship, that debt will NOT be yours!) Of course if a will for either or both can be wrangled, by all means go for it, but it sounds like that is a losing battle, at least for dad - perhaps mom could be convinced to sign something (you indicated that you have taken her shopping, could you have paperwork ready and wrangle a visit to an attorney or notary with her during one of those trips, so long as he is not there?) At least you would have one...

Getting DPOA and medical POA is much more important. Again, given dad's reign on money and refusal to deal with death-type issues, this is also going to be a battle, probably a fruitless one. You can only do what you can do. If they are still deemed competent, and refuse to work with any of this, there is no need for you to stress over it (easy said than done, I know.) You CANNOT force anyone to do something - it is their right to refuse, unfortunately, even if it is detrimental. Getting worked up over something you cannot manage is not worth it. Be supportive, provide some good meals, etc, and whatever happens happens. Your hands are tied. (BTW, even sometimes with cognitive impairment AND DPOA the person's "wishes" will override yours!!)

Rather than focus on the death part of wills and POAs when discussing this with dad, as several have mentioned give him some info about what happens if he or mom becomes seriously ill or injured, aka the state can step in and direct EVERYTHING, including his precious money and where he or she will go to live! He has no POA over her, so the state can step in, same for him if she has no POA over him. Then ask him if that is what he wants. If he says yes, then about all you can do is continue to provide nourishing meals, perhaps using Meals on Wheels, if available (and if they would open the door for the delivery!) Although frozen dinners could be an option, if you prepare extra with each meal you make, portion it out and freeze it for later use. I do this for myself - just as easy, easier sometimes, to prepare a meal for 6 and freeze it, than cooking every day! This would reduce the number of trips you need to make to provide meals. You could still go to visit often, ensure they eat, but have more time to spend with them than working on food.

Another person suggested having an unrelated trusted person try to broach the subject. Perhaps someone from the VA? Do they have friends or neighbors they like? Does not sound like it, if they spend all day every day in the house, but perhaps there is someone... VA might be best - if they come in some kind of uniform, he might be able to relate to that person! Often family members can get shut out, or ignored. The perception might be that you want to take everything away! This is not the case, but he won't relent until he understands this.

Since it sounds like they do not get out on their own, where is all the "junk" food/snacks coming from? Certainly they can have snacks and cookies, etc, but do not leave the whole bag/package there, provide it with the meals you bring. Even ice cream can be left in single servings (plastic containers, or single bars.) This would limit how much crap they eat, especially since you indicated they WILL eat the meals if someone makes it for them!

stilltired, I have so much empathy for you! My in-laws didn't have anything in place and we saw (from a distance, as they didn't live by us) that their lives were slowly crumbling. None of their kids, including my husband, really saw the urgency but I thank God that they finally listened to me about how important it was that this paperwork was taken care of. We convinced them to move to our city (in another state) and into Assisted Living. But before that move, I used LegalZoom and did all the paperwork with them for DPOA, MPOA, wills, and Advanced Directives. All they had to do was bring the paperwork I did with them (over the phone, in my case) to their bank to have them notarized. In your case, I'm sure a notary would even come to the house. It was quite easy! They were becoming quite suspicious (dementia behaviors) and I was so glad that they cooperated long enough to get it all done. When they moved here, we were able to take over everything (after about 50 hours of me being a paperwork detective because they threw away things they shouldn't have or there were just hints of things in their files). They didn't like Assisted Living but that was just the way it had to be. They eventually had to move to the nursing home side because of their dementia and also because they ran out of money (it took me literally over a hundred hours to do the paperwork to get them qualified).
If nothing else, you may have to get their doctor involved, or social services. OR...is there someone they would trust that you could have talk to them, and even help them with the paperwork instead of you. I would try to make this a priority and then you can back off on all the caregiving (as much as you dare) and, perhaps, let their poor choices take them where they may. You can't let this drive you nuts to the point of endangering your own mental and physical health. I'll be praying you can come to the perfect solutions. Message me if you wish, and I will support you!

Going other direction on generations - kids with children who just cannot bring themselves to deal with the basic paperwork. Insane!

Short of having someone explain what happens with no will, etc., plus having them realize it may all be dumped on you to handle.. .not sure there is any way to change the situation. Those papers are just the responsible thing to have.

Print and read this article to them. It is a real eye opener as to what can happen if anyone (including ourselves) do not have the proper paperwork signed sealed and delivered.

newyorker.com/magazine/2017/10/09/how-the-elderly-lose-their-rights

I am dealing with a hospice in home situation. He will not eat what my mom prepares but will eat what I prepare. His taste has changed even on dishes he prepares himself. It can be medications or the changes in their body. There is a book "Gone from my Sight" by Barbara Karnes, RN that discusses this. I used "Before I Go, You Should Know" to work with my mom and her husband. It included many legal documents. I bought it from Funeral Consumers Alliance. FCA has also helped me as I'm the one discussing his funeral desires with him. We recently learned he did not do his will. Hospice was able to give us a legal aid contact. I did my mom's will and other documents as I have a membership at LawDepot.com. Since he is getting VA benefits try getting them involved, caregiver.va.gov/ He may also respond better to dealing w/ another veteran or VSO. I am also dealing with the money issue on a daily basis, or at least having to hear the arguments on it. A social worker was present today to mediate the discussion as we need to hire a caregiver or send him to adult day care when my mom returns to work. The VA would give you access to a social worker. Hope you find options that work.....take care of you.

Thank you all again for your responses.
1) Our local municipal water quality is not the best. They have running water, our well has better water for drinking and food preparation purposes.
2) We all live in a very small town the nearest agency on aging is over 100 miles away.
3) Lawyers here do not do house calls, ever. Already tried.
4) Meals on Wheels sounds like a good idea!
5) I tried again today after taking my Dad to his VA appointment (an hour round trip) where they asked me if he had a living will or any other paperwork. His response was if something happens to me they will have to take care of whatever it is. He then changed the subject to something about the scenery. He is adamant about not discussing anything about death or dying and assumes all paperwork is only about that.
6) My sister will not participate in any caregiving for my parents, she thinks that they should be taking care of her, I'm not joking.

When people have reached the end of their interest in living, their body shuts down on food. Yes they become malnourished and yes that leads to an earlier death, one way or another. Dehydration makes the end even quicker.

This site has very regular posts from carers of people in their eighties and nineties, whose bodies have outlived both their minds and their interest in living, with bitter comments about the medical profession who have engineered all this. Other carers are spoon-feeding elders for hours at a time, when the recipient keeps trying to spit the food out. Neither the time commitment nor the medical support was an option in Biblical times, when every family member had to work hard. Perhaps ‘fading away’ is the way God planned us to go.

None of this helps with your paperwork problems, but it might give you some consolation about other issues you are facing. There is a song that says ‘the sooner it’s over, the sooner we sleep’.

stilltired: One tip I suggest in order to take some of the load off you and your daughter is to sign up for Meals on Wheels. It is a noon-time delivered meal, Monday through Friday on a donation basis. (My mother wanted to pay for her's, but I understood it to be a donation based product). That at least would help you out and to ensure that they are getting proper nutrition five days a week.
As they sit around in their pj's 24/7, I'm wondering if they're bathing?
Please see if their town has a Council on Aging, which should have on staff a social worker. That dedicated person could get the necessary documents done. Your parents will be more inclined to listen to someone other than yourself. I had to use my mother's town's social worker, because, after all, "I wasn't telling the truth." Of course I was telling the truth; she just didn't like it.
As for dad not liking the ramp and the shower, he probably thought of them as "old age," instead of needed assists. I hope when I reach the age of needing a ramp/assist that I will say "Oh, yes, please!" I don't want to become belligerent.

RayLinStephens, a will is only needed if there is something to distribute. Most people who are on Medicaid have already surrendered their assets, and have virtually nothing left to bequeath. Having a will can't hurt, even in that situation, but if the parents are resistant, I think other documents have a higher priority.

I think this is a situation which requires that you be very direct and tough with them. First do all you can to get them to "cooperate" and get things done. If not, tell them you are finished.....you are NOT going to do a single thing to help them, now or later Tell them the are on their own. Scare them good after explaining the will lose everything and have absolutely no control because they will be put away. Make them scared enough to get willing to work with you. And contact the Office on Aging in your county who may possibly help you. They may have to be forced to see what will happen when no one helps them. That might do the trick.

MaryKathleen has a good observation. If they have no water in their home, I think the County Health Department would probably evict them to a safer environment--like assisted living.

Why are you taking water to them? Don't they have water in the home?

Would they heat food in the microwave? I would purchase frozen dinners for mom to supplement what I cooked on my weekly visit. What about lunch meat? Also, a lot of restaurants and some fast food places will deliver. You could call them up and have them deliver that way you and your daughter could stay home.

Stilltired, if your parents like ice cream so much, it might be possible to get them to "switch" to yogurt. This would provide more nutritional value. Someone mentioned bananas; this would be good as well. I don't cook, but I like all sorts of nutritional foods such as sardines, fresh salads, oatmeal, yogurt, and all kinds of fresh fruits and vegetables--foods that are better than most cooked meals.

If something happens to them where they cannot make decisions and there is no POA in place, they can become wards of the state. Then all decisions are taken out of your hands and theirs. Is this what they want?
Recently I found that the POAs my father and mother had done had expired a decade ago—-he kept telling me everything was fine, his paperwork was in order etc etc.
He broke his back, had to go to hospital, and THEN we found out that nobody had POA.
I laid down the law to him and asked him if what he wanted was to have the government decide what happened to him...he and my mother couldn’t get that paperwork done fast enough. I had it within 2 weeks and made sure I was named as a POA also as my mother is declining in memory as well.
The other route you could take is to apply for guardianship over them. This is time consuming and costly, however.

In reading this, my first impulse is to say, so sorry this is happening to you. My second is to say, well, perhaps this is not your problem. It is their problem. You are not going to fix them. Not sure what country you are in, but perhaps you have access to an advisor to determine what if anything could legally be done to force them. In the US, I think nothing can be done unless they were to be declared incompetent. If your mother would like to not be in this mess, perhaps she might be willing to move? She would have to express desires on her own, then perhaps she could be helped separately. They could live 10+ more years. Unless your father was always like this, he may have dementia; or not. I would consult an attorney and legal authorities. If you could get control of his finances, you could freeze his accounts, stop him from applying for new accounts, etc. But you need legal insight. And if there is nothing you can do, then really, I don't know how much I would do.

I don't know how necessary POA is - but I do know a will is absolutely, positively necessary!

Without a will, the state steps in and gets a portion for their time. They then dispense as they see fit - I saw a woman get scr**ed that way because Penn wouldn't honor the NY will they had and her daughter received - and kept - 2/3 of the money when she knew it was all supposed to go to the surviving widow, her own mother.

A will is absolutely needed! POA? I didn't want POA for my dad when others were pressuring him to give it to me. When the time came, I called Hospice and he told them what he wanted and that was that. A week later he passed (he had stopped dialysis).

I bet you could find someone to come to the house for a simple will. You can even get the forms online and have them sign them - remember they must be witnessed - then at least you will be a little more protected.

I would be very skeptical of an attorney who makes house calls. My mother’s unethical attorney brought her to his house for Thanksgiving only two weeks after she broke her hip and shoulder at the memory care unit. He was able to keep her separated from her only family and successfully causing her to become increasingly mistrustful by executing “undue influence” on someone weak and vulnerable. Beware.

I hope you can get your parents to get their finances and legal affairs in order. When dementia sets in, often the elder parent will trust a total stranger and become paranoid and mistrustful of their own family caregivers. I’m an only child and my mother with dementia trusted two unethical attorneys in NJ - who basically stole almost half of her estate, completely isolated her from her family in conjunction with a corrupt nursing home and gained guardianship and control. All because no POA and legal paperwork was signed. My mother died all alone, falling out of her hospital bed with no rails, thanks to her lawyer who became her guardian only 22 days before her death. All her jewelry was missing, they cashed in 30 years of savings bonds and basically got away with it all. Since my mother was Italian born and naive to all business practices, I took care of all her paperwork and finances while she lived with me for many years after my American father passed away. These were not elder care attorneys, but rather ambulance chaser types who were in with the assisted living facility. They saw $$ and went after it in a completely heartless and unethical manner and eventually got away with it after we reported them to the NJ Ethics Board. Hopefully the Attorney General’s office will go after them for the heartless crimes they committed. Don’t let this happen to you and have your family go through what my family had to suffer through - a heart-breaking guardianship trial and watching a loved one being taken advantage of and exploited by terrible attorneys and nursing home staff.

Even though you say your sister is very "self involved"....I think you, she and your daughter should have a meeting. Map out which days who does what. That’s ridiculous she isn’t helping. And the longer you let that go on the harder it will be. You can set boundaries with her. Also, get Meals on Wheels to deliver to them. And check into an attorney who will visit them as someone else suggested as well as using the therapeutic fibs. If your parents don’t have dementia, my guess is they soon will. The lifestyle they are living precludes them to memory issues and poor decision making skills...which it seems they already have.
Best of luck!