I moved in a year ago at their request. I have a 30 y.o. daughter who has special needs and I have recently been diagnosed with lupus as well as some other crap. I continued to work, a super stressful job managing a group home for folks like my daughter. I called home one day, there was a snow storm and I had to stay at the job. No staff could get in. My dad told me to put in my two week notice. After 20 years of doing that, I was pretty excited. I figured I'd get a nice part time job I didn't need to invest in so much (emotionally) But... That never worked out. First mom got too ill and her arthritis got too bad. I took over cooking, cleaning, laundry, med appointments etc...I was still ok because I could set them up with food I would fix in advance and go to Pennsylvania to visit my daughters and their children. Not long after one visit to PA my dad told me he misses me when I'm gone. ( Sounds nice, right?) The next time I go to PA, I start getting calls from neighbors that Dad is mowing and keeps falling down, they offer to help, but he keeps going. This is December 7, 2017. The first SNOWFALL of the year. Yup. Mowing in the snow. I rush home, he's broken his leg. I take him to the Ortho, he gets a cast...I go to Walmart with my son, he's walking around, no walker or anything! The foot is so swollen, I take him back to the orthopedic and they reset the leg. Several weeks later, I have the stupidity to go out with my son, first time in all those weeks, come back, his foot is HUGE. He's gone out in the yard in rubber gardening clogs! He rebroke the foot! Now he's got a huge disgusting fracture blister
(Google it, if you dare) and we're back at the Ortho again! I feel as they're manipulative and trying to keep me home.
Meanwhile, mom, whom I have never liked, for various reasons starting at the age of only a few months of age, sits in the corner in her mechanical and gives orders!
A week ago after him yelling at me like I never heard before, then claiming to not remember the next morning, I told him we were going to have to go to get some cognitive testing. He agreed. Until today. He's refusing to go.
I think I'm going to lose my sanity. I have two brothers who were smart enough to move across the country. So I'm pretty much on my own. My kids help as much as possible, but they have jobs and families of their own.
I can't leave. I can't just desert them. But holy cow! This is torture everyday from 7 am until 11 pm. I just can't seem to get it straight in my head that doing for good for others is a good thing. I know this. I've always tried to live this. But this situation is killing me and I feel like it had no end!

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Barb, they have you totally wrapped; a prisoner; can you see that? THEY don't want other people in their home; why is that more important (since they asked you to move in to begin with) than your needs? It sounds as if your dad has some dementia; you need to insist that he get tested, or you will do something he won't like (go away for a couple weeks, move out - just threaten, so he will do what he needs to.  If it would be easier, bribe him with something; must be something he'd like... Sounds as if you have become the servant, with no rights or needs. Past time to establish some boundaries; not easy, but necessary if you want anything to change (and for your dad not to kill himself; good grief!). Go for it! You can do this!
Helpful Answer (2)

Yes, you are now the "adult" and you make the decisions for their safety and health. Don't let them call the shots. It's a tough transition, but one you must make for both yourself and for them. When you've had emergencies, that is the time to change the paradigm.

I wanted help for mom to take her medicines and she said no over and over again - until she wound up in the ER because of a clot in her foot from forgetting to take her meds. At that point, I put MY foot down and said she was getting help - no discussion. She knew I meant business and she depended on me, just like your folks depend on you. I got her help and she was fine once they started. So step up and start calling the shots of what you need to keep YOUR sanity and wellness. Never mind what your mom and dad want - your dad clearly has faulty judgment at this point.

I'm worried about your own retirement. You've quit your job to care for your folks. Will you have enough of your own monies to live on after your folks are gone? If not, you need to consider placement for them so that you can ensure that YOU have enough money when you retire. Don't give up your future to take care of them, or your children will be forced to take care of you.
Helpful Answer (2)

Surely the point of your father's needing a cognitive assessment is that he is no longer able to understand much. And you're expecting them to appreciate why the situation is untenable for you, and give you permission to change it?

You are the decision maker in this family. Make that the basis of your plans going forward and stop waiting for them to agree. You have more options than carrying on regardless or leaving them to it. For example, hiring the help is for you, not for them; and this is your home too, isn't it? You want "caregivers" in the home to support you, so that your father can't pull self-destructive showstoppers every time you want to see your children.

Anyway. That's the key change you need to make - you decide how YOU organise what YOU need to do, not your frail parents.
Helpful Answer (6)

Thank you@cwillie. I'd love to hire outside help, but they don't want " strangers" in their home. They don't understand why I am so unhappy.
Helpful Answer (0)

The main conflict I see here is that they need supervision and you need time for yourself and your son, so you need to get the ball rolling on bringing in outside caregivers to supervise them while you are away. Once you get some breathing room you can start to plan for long term solutions.
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