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We are siblings whose mother refuses care for herself and very ill and failing husband from anyone but her adult children. She now expects that one of us moves in with them and become full time caregivers. All siblings are married and live out of the area, all have jobs, children, grandchildren and our own life issues. They have money and are eligible for VA benefits but refuse to change their lifestyle, spend money or seek help. They refuse to invest in repairs for their home which are long over due and any attempts even to clean is met with hostility. What to do? How to finally (lovingly?) say NO and/or ENOUGH!?

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I’m finding that my father refuses to hear what I say so I have no words of wisdom. But I can let you know you’re far from being alone, MY father expects my daughter to drop her life and move in with him. He doesn’t want me because I’m handicapped and will tell him to STHU! The struggle has been going on so far for six weeks but I have no hope he’ll give up.

To even think of this ridiculous request makes me angry and I refuse to let him beat down my daughter. He’ll have to get past me.

He wants to bring my mom home from a nice ALF where she’s adjusting well and is happy. She has moderate dementia and CHF too and my dad wasn’t caring for mom sufficiently. The admission to AL facility was my doing because my mom had gotten into a bad way. Dad gripes about ‘the money’ which is absurd because they have plenty of money to pay for both their care! That infuriates me too.
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If they are refusing care, I'd explore if they are competent to make their own decisions. You say that your dad is very ill and mom refuses to allow him care.....I'd likely consider if they are competent and consult with an attorney in their area to see what the options are. Or, report them to adult protective services for self neglect. At least, you will have done your part to protect them. If mom is the one preventing the care, I'd at least attempt to get my dad some care. I'd figure out how to do that legally.
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Do NOT give up your life and “hope” your husband holds the line. I have the same parents...VA eligible, have money, refuse to get help, stingy about spending money, and want me to do it for them. And they are not yet at critical stage! I started saying NO about 3 years ago when they wanted me to retire and lose a large part of my retirement pension, so i realized it was not going to be easy. But I have to live too.... and so do you....
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Just because she doesn't accept it, doesn't mean your no is any less valid. Keep saying it.

My wonderful mother, who really is sweet, developed dementia rather rapidly over a number of months. She lived in the MIL apartment with me, and I was fine with helping her with her finances, doing the maintenance, and daily visits and doctor's visits. Which I did for quite a while. As the dementia progressed she no longer had the ability to plan meals, so she was always coming over to my place to find food. She couldn't track her medications, so I had to organize them and give them to her morning and evening. She was more isolated socially, so would come over to my place multiple times a day with some excuse, but I think it was more for a friendly face.

I really love and admire my mother. But I am an introvert and need lots of alone time for my own mental health. The constant interruptions drove me nuts. I have had special needs kids and a special needs husband and I have worn out my caretaking capacity. Plus I have my own chronic illness that leaves little energy for other things.

So even though (with a different person) it could have been made to work to have her stay in the MIL apartment, I had to say no. Fortunately my siblings agreed and stepped in to help. After living with a couple different siblings she is now in a very nice assisted living place. She would rather be in her MIL apartment. She would also rather be 60 and have my father alive.

I feel regret that I am not the person that could have her staying in the MIL apartment, with me in charge of hiring help and overseeing all her activities. But for my own mental health, I had to say no.

Seeing a therapist really helped me understand my needs and feel more comfortable with this. I am sad my wonderful mom can't have everything thing she wants, but she really doesn't understand (dementia, remember) all the work it takes to keep her going on a daily basis. And I think even if she moved back to the MIL apartment she still wouldn't be happy. Her main complaints have to do with the way her body and brain just aren't working, which would be the same anywhere.

Now that she is in AL I am able to be a loving daughter, eager to help, rather than a resentful daughter who dreaded every time I would her the common door open and hear her shuffling in with another need.
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Whoever of you is POA needs to investigate what VA options are available to them. You may need to fib a little and say that you kids are paying for an in home caregiver. You still do have the right to say no and ensure they are cared for.
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They don't have to accept "no". They can be unreasonable. That; however, does not mean you have to give in. Do what you can and want to - and say "no, I cannot do that" to the rest. Over and Over. Do not get into discussions as to why or why not - they will try to argue you around to their wishes. They can be unreasonable as they want - but that doesn't have to govern your behavior. Boundaries.
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You have to be so careful, and as others have mentioned, saying no is your salvation. Having moved in with my Dad, the requests, and demands became unbearable. My home was paid for and I was retired, so I certainly didn't benefit in any way by moving in with him. But a pattern was established, and I had failed to discuss his expectations before agreeing to help him out. When i finally moved him to AL, it didn't end there, as the aids would recommend things to him and I would be scouring pharmacy's, medical supply stores, and online to fulfill his requests. As bad as it was living with him, it was worse in AL, as he would begin giving me assignments as soon as I arrived, (which was twice a day) since he was 3 miles from home. Patterns you see.
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Your parent's wishes do not have greater weight than yours.

"No mom, I'm not going to do that. You'll have to pay for your care. I'll help you arrange that, but I won't be your caregiver".
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Momsgoto, you just keep saying no. Or "that's not possible for me to do." Over and over. Yes, she will keep hammering at you to wear you down, and yes, it's exhausting. But it's better than the consequences of caving in to her demands.

My mom will never accept no. One thing that helps me is to disengage when she starts in on it. I tell her that's not up for discussion and change the subject. If that doesn't work, I cut the call or visit short.

A bit of advice from one who's been there....use your husband for support, but you need to be the one saying no. You don't want her trying to drive a wedge between the two of you if she thinks he's the roadblock. Reminding yourself of what's best for the two of you will give you strength to tell her no.
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With you all the way! My mother has suggested I leave my husband to live with her. She has the money to move closer to me but refuses any solutions except to practically sit in my lap. My husband and my mother do not get along and so she cannot move into our home. She wants what she wants and is very, very, persistent about her demands. I would love to hear some advice on this topic. I guess you just say no. But I have said that and she won't take no for an answer. I know she thinks that when a health crisis arises, I will take her. It will be very hard at that point to say no to her. I hope if that happens that my husband will hold the line. I'm exhausted.
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