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I take care of my 88 yo mom, my 90 yo dad and my wonderful angel-dog Gabby without too much effort. We all get along. Little bumps along the way, but never much trouble even when I was a teen if you can imagine that! I mentioned in another post that my mom had been exhibiting symptoms of depression (not bathing, not changing clothes, excessive sleep, spontaneous crying, etc.) We started her on an antidepressant and it made a world of difference in her emotional state. I’m so grateful for that. I’ve lived with depression myself I know how great it is when it lifts. But I guess I got impatient watching her feel better and my dad being relieved at her feeling better, while I continued doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, home repairs, etc. Then I had a problem of my own, one of my diabetes meds was denied by my new prescription plan (how much do I hate OptumRX!!!). Upset about this, I came downstairs to find my mom crying because she didn’t want to take a shower (after not taking one for 6 and having promised she would after I heated up the bathroom for her). Well I completely lost it. I yelled at my mom for the first time in my life (I’m 55)! So she went off crying, my dad shook his head saying “I never thought it would come to this” (seriously?) and I just felt awful. FWIW what I said was “I’m dealing with serious health crisis and you’re crying because you don’t want to take a f*#*ing shower?!" Not my finest moment! It’s OK now; she went to sleep, woke up and had no memory of it. But I’m not an angry person and I don’t know where this came from. I’d love some input.

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Dear daybyday,

Glad to hear things are better. That is the best attitude to have! Yes, it has to be onward. Your parents are so lucky to have you care for them.

Dear Mally,

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your mom. I would lose it too. Glad she is okay though.
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Uh oh, lost it again... Got a call from a paramedic; mom had been knocked down by the electric door at her apt bldg and they wanted to take her to the hospital. I asked to talk with her; she was alert, oriented, and when I explained that they might just move her to a nursing home from the hospital, because the ER doctor there wanted to do that last year, she told them no and signed a refusal. The medic tried to argue with me; said "WE care about her health", (as if I don't), and I went off. Not to mention, mom just finished paying off the last ambulance bill.... So she stayed home, with a friend to moniter her, watched westerns, and ate what another friend brought from the church dinner that mom had been going to. EMT husband at work in another state and I took turns calling her all afternoon. She's fine, but several people who saw it are going to complain to the board at the bldg; the door has been doing that to people for over a year! My poor mom....
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Rustling leaves you make a good point about monitoring your time with them. That’s something I have to work on as well. It’s just another one of those boundaries we have to pay attention to. I know that I snapped largely because I was dealing with a medical issue of my own at the moment and had just reached my limit. I’m OK now, I’ve been able to process this and I’m done beating myself up for it. I’ve apologized to myself and my mom doesn’t remember any of it. So, onward!
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I apologized, but not with tears....
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I snapped at my mom(has dementia )last night. I realized I have to monitor my time w/my parents(living with them right now), otherwise I will lose it constantly. Spend more time in my room.
You're not alone!
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Welcome to : I lost it club - where we are all tough mudders who carry a hell of a lot of weight, the scars to verify that fact, and a right to be humanly worn the hell OUT
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Thanks everyone for helping me to keep some perspective. And the antidepressant is working very well. Now I have to get mom moving a bit more, get some strength back and help her work on her balance. Doc suggested light resistance like Therabands. Anyone have a suggestion about that?
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Love Them & Love Ourselves --- Forgive Them & Forgive Ourselves.
I hope you were able to get the med issues resolved.
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Day,
You surprised yourself. You have anger. It's ok. Sometimes it just pops out. You didn't do anything bad. You expressed your frustration in an angry way because you felt that your problem was not being recognized and her "problem" was petty in comparison.

Forgive yourself and let it go.
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I lost it, lost it, lost it yesterday! Join the club, Day - thinking about apologizing, not sure yet.....
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Like talkey said. Forgive yourself. We ALL make mistakes. You burst, you were stressed. It does happen because we are caring people. If we were not then we would not care about 'losing it'. I am basically an optimist but I find myself in situation where if I didnt come on here and 'let it out' (rant) then I think I might loose it more. I also am not normally an angry person, but it happens.

Keep your chin up and come here and rant as much as you need to. :) Hugs
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Many of us have been there in some fashion or another. It's a hard road. Forgive yourself.
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Thanks everyone. The thing is, this really just isn’t like me and I’m concerned that I’m not taking good care of myself. I get frustrated just like everyone else, but I’m just not an angry person. I’m sure it’s not a big deal, and I’ll run it past my psychiatrist, but I just wanted to get the benefit of all the experience here.
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Go cool off at your library and see if they have a book called "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" by Roz Chast. Chast is a cartoon artist and it is one of the funniest books ever.
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You're not the only one. I found myself a few months ago having a series of "discussions" with my mother in which I lost my tempter over her insistence that I move her back home from assisted living. I'm usually an easy going person, but when I do blow my top, I do it in style. One night I had imbibed a couple of shots when my mother called and started in on me. I had written out a list of discussion points (because she's a pro at getting you off your point and on to hers), and I was just tipsy enough to go down my list in a loud voice. I said alot of things I shouldn't have said, and my mother told me "your Daddy always worried that you'd lock me up when I got old and you have done just that." In her best schoolteacher voice, she said "I'm soooo disappointed in you."

We've made up since then, but the frustrations of dealing with elderly parents brings out the worst in us sometimes. They also create an alternate reality where it's okay for them to do things like not bathe, make unreasonable demands, treat us like dirt, etc., but when we finally snap back it's like "gotcha." I call it "gotcha" because in a way they become narcissistic, and prod us with their own improper behavior until we exhibit improper behavior, and then they play the "gotcha" card. It's all our fault because we snapped and went off on them.

So, you're not the first and you won't be the last.
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Dear daybyday27,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry to hear what happened, but please know you are only human and there is a lot on your shoulders for a very long time. You have been taking care of your parents your whole life and there was bound to be a moment of frustration and impatience. Please know it happens to all of us.

This happened with me too. I've been taking care of my parents since my teens too. I've also been the responsible one for the house. I took care of my mother during her cancer treatments. Then I ran errands with my grandmother because my aunt was going through cancer. Then my siblings left and I continued to care for my parents. Then my father had a stroke. I kept powering on but then one day I lost it with my father over his refusal to get a haircut! A simple haircut!

I failed to realize how burnout I had become. I was so angry and resentful about my efforts and never did my father even say thank you to me. It all become and expectation. Where was the compassion for me? I had given unconditionally my whole life. Granted, he suffered a stroke and now in hindsight, he was dying and he was going through his own frustrations.

I don't know if you want to consider other options like more home care, a nursing home, assisted living or more respite care for yourself. With diabetes comes a lot stress too.

I'm glad the whole situation has blown over, but please know you are not alone. We are all doing the best we can. I know its hard being the only daughter and the one that has been caring her whole life.

Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.
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You’re human. You cracked. Learn from it and move on.
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