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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I am not doing well health-wise and this is so stressful and exhausting. I still don't want to be without my husband of 44 years. Please help me because I can't seem to help myself.
You have been posting since July 2023. In one post you say your DH has had ALZ for 10 yrs. That is a long time to care for someone and seems the last two yrs are the worst.
I walked in on my Mom raging at my Dad, to the point I thought she would have a stroke. He had pushed one of her buttons. At the time they were in their late 70s and Dad had been on disability for 25 yrs. After I calmed her down she said this "when you take those vows they don't tell you that someday you both will be old and you don't feel like putting up with their s**t anymore".
You can't care for this man anymore. He needs more care than you have the ability to give. You need to place him and you need help to do it because it can be overwhelming. You need to talk to an elder lawyer to protect your half of the assets. Call Office of Aging to see if there is a SW who can help. Wouldn't it be nice to just visit him and be his wife, not his Caregiver. Its time to take care of yourself.
But you are a grown adult. How could we possibly help you in these decisions that you already know the answer to and refuse to take the action. I would like to recommend a good licensed Social Worker in private practice as a counselor in life transitions (changes). THIS is the person qualified to help you break through, break habits, make choices that are hard.
There is no choice here without a good deal of pain in it. None. I know that. I am 82 with an 84 year old partner. The decisions are hard and they hurt and they are worth raging, crying, beating the pillows about. But they have to be made. I ask you to think only what it would be for your hubby if you collapse and die at home. Yes, YOU will be out of pain. But he won't even have your loving visits.
I am so sorry for this grief. Aging is full of it, and there's no way to change that. I am just so very sorry for all you are going through. You are NOT alone. Which, speaking of choices, is why I for the fourth time in my life am seeking the help of a licensed therapist specializing in my own problems. I truly wish you the very very best.
As Alva says, please find a licensed Social Worker to help you work through these changes in your life.
I have some ideas for you to consider;
Do you own the home you live in? Have you considered moving together with your husband to an assisted living facility, where you can get help you need, and may find a reduction in your stress by downsizing, and having community meals in a dining room with others who are going through the same challenges as you.
Why have you not hired in home caregivers? There is no reason for you to be doing everything on your own.
If in home care is not providing the support you need, or there is some other obstacle, it is time for you to choose a good memory care or skilled nursing facility for your husband. Yes, it will be hard to adjust to living without him. But you may find yourself feeling refreshed, with less on your plate, and you can visit him with a smile on your face and simply spend quality time with him.
When my husband was in skilled nursing, I would spend hours there, after work until around 9 pm, and on Friday afternoons, I took a change of clothes and some toiletries, and spent the night sleeping in the recliner chair in his room, them spend half of Saturday before going home to take care of other obligations.
I transitioned to home care because he was kicked out due to his difficult behavior. I, too, am reluctant to let go of my husband, after caring for him at home for 10 years. We are so young - 63. And he is not going to get any better. I will find it difficult when it is time to let him go to a nursing home for the remainder of his life. We can't afford a posh assisted living. So, I understand your pain. Try to convince yourself the next step is something to look forward to, a relief of your current burdens, and the best for both of you. He needs professional care, and he needs you to simply be his wife.
Eventually, every person with progressive dementia will reach a point where he/she can not be cared for at home. This is especially true if he/she needs somebody awake with him/her 24 hours of the day. It is also true if the person is anxious/agitated and becomes aggressive. Sometimes, that turning point comes when the caregiver's health takes a turn for the worse. DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP.
Now is the time to enlist help for yourself and your loved one. If you can not care for yourself or your home (and your spouse), then you need help now. Help can be: 1 - Get volunteer help from family or friends on a regular basis. Let those who love you help with your spouse. Let some help with the home, the yard, the groceries... all those tasks you have done. 2 - Pay for help from a professional - caregivers, home health care agencies, those who clean, those who do yard work... 3 - Let go of the home and move a - Senior apartment or assisted living - provides a small apartment-like setting with activities, meals, cleaning... It comes a with a monthly cost. b - Skilled nursing facility - if you and/or your loved one needs nursing care (medications, treatments, hands-on help). c - Memory care - for those with memory issues/advanced dementia.
Your doctor can help you know which types of care you need. Local cities, counties and states/provinces usually have social services to assist their older citizens with locating help. Local communities of faith also have personnel that can point you to local resources.
I can understand why you are stuck. With my dad I was just going day by day, not spending any time on myself or researching better options. Its stressful, and yes my health was deterioriating as well. Now that he is in a memory care home, I have had time to reflect.
I did hire an agency to provide for a caregiver, but saw the waste in money and they didn't do much with him. When I checked he would be sleeping and they would be watching tv. Even though I said encourage him to do things, clean some of the house. But cause he didn't ask for it, they didn't do anything.
My recommendation after reflecting back; is if you want to keep him with you in your home, look at adult day care, even if you have to pay out of pocket. They can provide pick up and drop off services. I did visit one with my dad and I saw they did activities provide nursing and meals. But they didn't mention you could pay out of pocket instead it felt like medi-cal (medicaid) was only option available, at the time my dad didn't qualify.
If your husband is having new issues talk to his doctor about them, maybe the medications are wrong for him. Once he is calmed down, that would help with your health as well. If the doctor is not listening it might be time to change doctors.
PS. Sometimes new issues are caused because you yourself are stressed. Try to destress. What worked for me was writing each item down, the more I wrote the more I could feel the stress coming out of me. The first time I did that, my dad calmed down as well.
How can a forum of caregivers to elderly loved ones across the world help you, my friend? All we can do is give you advice and then it's up to you to take action. Nobody can do that for you.
Please take action today and change your situation. You ARE capable of doing that, we all are.
You are not stuck. You need to either sell your house and move yourself and your husband into assisted living or hire people. Life is too short to procrastinate. You should downsize while you can. I am sorry that you don't have family willing to help out.
Hire caregivers. Why haven't you? Yes, you will continue to be stressed and exhausted.
What kind of help are you seeking through this email forum (as) your needs appear to be critical and immediate.
You need to call City Hall / Senior (or Aging) Services Dept. Ask your husband's MD or your own for referrals on who to call. Talk to someone at your church or a local church or hospital.
As Geaton below says (much better than I have):
What kind of help do you want? Call social services for your county and tell them you are both vulnerable adults and need help. They can possibly assess you for some services, like light housekeeping, light food prep, hygiene. Maybe they will help get your husband assessed for Medicaid (some in-home help, called an Elder Waiver). It won't be full time but better than nothing and you will need to accept aids and workers being in your home.
Or call your local Area Agency on Aging for more resources. It's different in every county in every state so I can't give you that phone number or web address but you can do a browser search to find it just like you found this website.
If you have Medicare supplemental insurance, they should have a social worker that works for them. The social worker can usually meet with you in person or phone and assess your situation. A good starting place as they are associated with the whole medical network and should be able to get you any help you need or want.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I walked in on my Mom raging at my Dad, to the point I thought she would have a stroke. He had pushed one of her buttons. At the time they were in their late 70s and Dad had been on disability for 25 yrs. After I calmed her down she said this "when you take those vows they don't tell you that someday you both will be old and you don't feel like putting up with their s**t anymore".
You can't care for this man anymore. He needs more care than you have the ability to give. You need to place him and you need help to do it because it can be overwhelming. You need to talk to an elder lawyer to protect your half of the assets. Call Office of Aging to see if there is a SW who can help. Wouldn't it be nice to just visit him and be his wife, not his Caregiver. Its time to take care of yourself.
I would like to recommend a good licensed Social Worker in private practice as a counselor in life transitions (changes). THIS is the person qualified to help you break through, break habits, make choices that are hard.
There is no choice here without a good deal of pain in it. None. I know that. I am 82 with an 84 year old partner. The decisions are hard and they hurt and they are worth raging, crying, beating the pillows about. But they have to be made. I ask you to think only what it would be for your hubby if you collapse and die at home. Yes, YOU will be out of pain. But he won't even have your loving visits.
I am so sorry for this grief. Aging is full of it, and there's no way to change that. I am just so very sorry for all you are going through. You are NOT alone. Which, speaking of choices, is why I for the fourth time in my life am seeking the help of a licensed therapist specializing in my own problems.
I truly wish you the very very best.
I have some ideas for you to consider;
Do you own the home you live in? Have you considered moving together with your husband to an assisted living facility, where you can get help you need, and may find a reduction in your stress by downsizing, and having community meals in a dining room with others who are going through the same challenges as you.
Why have you not hired in home caregivers? There is no reason for you to be doing everything on your own.
If in home care is not providing the support you need, or there is some other obstacle, it is time for you to choose a good memory care or skilled nursing facility for your husband. Yes, it will be hard to adjust to living without him.
But you may find yourself feeling refreshed, with less on your plate, and you can visit him with a smile on your face and simply spend quality time with him.
When my husband was in skilled nursing, I would spend hours there, after work until around 9 pm, and on Friday afternoons, I took a change of clothes and some toiletries, and spent the night sleeping in the recliner chair in his room, them spend half of Saturday before going home to take care of other obligations.
I transitioned to home care because he was kicked out due to his difficult behavior. I, too, am reluctant to let go of my husband, after caring for him at home for 10 years. We are so young - 63. And he is not going to get any better. I will find it difficult when it is time to let him go to a nursing home for the remainder of his life. We can't afford a posh assisted living.
So, I understand your pain.
Try to convince yourself the next step is something to look forward to, a relief of your current burdens, and the best for both of you. He needs professional care, and he needs you to simply be his wife.
Now is the time to enlist help for yourself and your loved one. If you can not care for yourself or your home (and your spouse), then you need help now. Help can be:
1 - Get volunteer help from family or friends on a regular basis. Let those who love you help with your spouse. Let some help with the home, the yard, the groceries... all those tasks you have done.
2 - Pay for help from a professional - caregivers, home health care agencies, those who clean, those who do yard work...
3 - Let go of the home and move
a - Senior apartment or assisted living - provides a small apartment-like setting with activities, meals, cleaning... It comes a with a monthly cost.
b - Skilled nursing facility - if you and/or your loved one needs nursing care (medications, treatments, hands-on help).
c - Memory care - for those with memory issues/advanced dementia.
Your doctor can help you know which types of care you need. Local cities, counties and states/provinces usually have social services to assist their older citizens with locating help. Local communities of faith also have personnel that can point you to local resources.
I did hire an agency to provide for a caregiver, but saw the waste in money and they didn't do much with him. When I checked he would be sleeping and they would be watching tv. Even though I said encourage him to do things, clean some of the house. But cause he didn't ask for it, they didn't do anything.
My recommendation after reflecting back; is if you want to keep him with you in your home, look at adult day care, even if you have to pay out of pocket. They can provide pick up and drop off services. I did visit one with my dad and I saw they did activities provide nursing and meals. But they didn't mention you could pay out of pocket instead it felt like medi-cal (medicaid) was only option available, at the time my dad didn't qualify.
If your husband is having new issues talk to his doctor about them, maybe the medications are wrong for him. Once he is calmed down, that would help with your health as well. If the doctor is not listening it might be time to change doctors.
PS. Sometimes new issues are caused because you yourself are stressed. Try to destress. What worked for me was writing each item down, the more I wrote the more I could feel the stress coming out of me. The first time I did that, my dad calmed down as well.
Please take action today and change your situation. You ARE capable of doing that, we all are.
Yes, you will continue to be stressed and exhausted.
What kind of help are you seeking through this email forum (as) your needs appear to be critical and immediate.
You need to call City Hall / Senior (or Aging) Services Dept.
Ask your husband's MD or your own for referrals on who to call.
Talk to someone at your church or a local church or hospital.
As Geaton below says (much better than I have):
What kind of help do you want? Call social services for your county and tell them you are both vulnerable adults and need help. They can possibly assess you for some services, like light housekeeping, light food prep, hygiene. Maybe they will help get your husband assessed for Medicaid (some in-home help, called an Elder Waiver). It won't be full time but better than nothing and you will need to accept aids and workers being in your home.
Or call your local Area Agency on Aging for more resources. It's different in every county in every state so I can't give you that phone number or web address but you can do a browser search to find it just like you found this website.
Gena / Touch Matters
A good starting place as they are associated with the whole medical network and should be able to get you any help you need or want.
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