My mom needs a break but is scared to leave sometimes as she gets bombarded by my dad who is agitated after yelling at the caregiver while she's been away. then they argue and he says don't worry about me, I'll leave or then refuses to eat, drink water, etc. How do we handle these situations? My mom feels guilty at the thought of a memory care unit, but I can see her health deteriorating.
Dad needs to be in an environment where he does not call the shots. I was told by a doctor , when it gets this bad at home , they have to be moved to facility care where he does not have family as his hands on caregiver to try to boss around , guilt trip , or manipulate . He needs a village to take care of him , where there are trained staff in these behavior issues , as well as he can receive meds as necessary under the supervision of medical staff .
Move Dad to memory care ASAP, before your mother either gets injured by Dad getting violent or your mother dies of a heart attack or worse she lives bedbound from a life altering stoke.
Your mother can’t live like this anymore .
Sadly, as it is with long progressive diseases it will only het worse. Mom’s health is just as important.
I am going to say it again, just because one life is destroyed does not mean another has to be as well.
If your Mom dies from the stress of this , Dad will end up in memory care anyway .
Dementia patients become like unruly toddlers, and they'll tell you to leave home if you let them.
Your dad is behaving this way because he's getting away with it and it's getting him what he wants in the moment.
He needs to learn quickly that his behavior will - henceforth and forever more - be getting him less of what he wants. When he threatens to not eat, drink water, etc., okay - no problem.
When he commences with the yelling, stop talking to him - go outside - do something else - don't argue back - don't cajole.
IMO. Dementia patients in the moderate stages are not mental vegetables. They may have forgotten people, places and things but they still know how to act out and manipulate.
Guilt should not play into the Memory Care equation because dad is no longer manageable at home. Unless mom feels that her life is less valuable than his. They both need a calm lifestyle, in reality.
Best wishes
Talk to his doctor about medication. There may be a remedy.
In the meantime, talk to his doctor and start medicating him to calm him down. Get medication in liquid form and dose his food or drink and don't even tell him.
I never tolerated verbal abuse or any other kind from a homecare client. I always made myself plain that no one speaks to me abusively. There were times when clients got physical with me and I defended myself. Dementia doesn't always mean weak and feeble. I'd go to my car and call the police and tell them that a violent person with dementia is alone in the house and I'm not willing to risk my safety trying to calm them down. The homecare agency is useless in these instances. The cops will handle it. I have yet to call the police for one of my caregivers. I'll drop abusive client from our service. I won't take a chance of a caregiver getting hurt.
Talk to the homecare agency and request they send you a male caregiver until you can get your fathe placed. I find in my long experience that elderly male clients, even ones with dementia, behave very differently when the caregiver is a guy. It's worth a try.
Please help your mother to get him placed in memory care. She's in a dangerous situation every day she's alone with your father.
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